Nice Guys...

I'm married to a nice guy and to be honest with you even I didn't know how to deal with one when I finally got him. Yes I'd had a string of bad boys before him. You'd think being with a nice guy is easy but I assure you it's not.

Most put your needs above theirs which sounds good in theory but when they begin to feel resentment towards you for it - its a problem.

Most won't tell you how they feel so you'll feel emotionally neglected.

Most won't tell you when something bothers them so you'll have to become skilled at mind reading and pray again that resentment doesn't creep in before you figure out what's wrong.

Many won't be highly sexual because they have so much shame connected to sex. Oh they are VERY sexual all right but they hide it from those closest to them out of fear.

Others become passive aggressive because they are bored, unhappy and angry. But again you won't know any of this but you will be treated badly in an underhanded way.

In a nutshell the classic nice guys are nothing but nice. Read NMMNG and you'll see exactly what I mean.

EnjoliWoman said:

I read an awful lot of NMMNG comments and see a lot of nice guys who post and aren't appreciated. I 'get it' that sometimes a woman wants to be 'taken' sometimes or wants the man to be decisive or protective but I would give anything for a "nice guy".

I'm sure it's my history but being married for 13 years to a narcissistic, type A (type H, actually) Alpha male just completely turned me off to Alphas.

Am I the only woman who LIKES the idea of a nice guy? Someone considerate, helpful and thoughtful. Some other woman's trash is my treasure.

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After enough of what i think can be considered "super alpha male" types to last me a lifetime,I crave the nice guy.

I don't know much about the whole Alpha discussion,it all sounds like a lot of over thinking at times. Hopefully I don't get roasted for expressing this but I wish men would be themselves and women would be themselves alsf course,if you have mental problems,you need to get help for that before you can be a suitable partner for anyone. If asked my answer wouldn't be "i must have an alpha male!" because truthfully,I haven't read enough about it to know exactly what it is other than knowing what other people think about it.

I need a man to treat me as great as I treat him. That includes all the compliments,all the sweetness,all the loving gestures.It includes the thoughtfulness and affection,time,devotion,and appreciation.

I don't need a protector.I don't need a provider.I expect my man to be secure enough to know it's ok that we share responsibilities in all aspects of life.I don't like traditional male/female jobs in the home...if I'm taking the trash out and handling my foster dogs,feel free to empty the dishwasher without feeling like you've lost your man card.

I need a partner for wild monkey sex,sweet slow loving making,friendship and affection.I need someone I can trust.Someone who earns respect rather than demanding it.Someone who understands I will take care of my appearance and body for as long as able so I expect I would be bright enough to pick a man who shows they do the same.They should do it not for me but for themselves because I'm certainly not taking care of my lovely body for anyone but me.

It might not work for anyone here.But these are a few things that I need in order for a relationship to keep an open heart,open mind,and open legs

I NEED the nice guy.There's a firm difference between being the nice guy and being the doormat guy.If I'm wrong,the nice guy will tell me in a reasonable way and help me understand his point of view. If I'm wrong,a doormat guy won't say a word...everyone loves being right but no one wants a yes man. Nice guys ARE NOT yes men.They simply know how to express themselves better than any other type of man IMHO.

I agree it is a disconnect involving what a "nice guy" is. Mavesh hits it on the head when she writes about the bad type of "nice guy". This is the guy that thinks that being nice enough will get them loved. That people will see these sacrifices and appreciate them. The problem is that it does not work over the long haul. When one person is always sacrificing, the other has a naturally tendancy to just accept that. That breeds disrespect and resentment.

I think (hope) what most women want is a nice man. A man who is generally nice, treats them well, and will sacrifice for them. But they also want a man who knows what he wants, is true to himself, makes his needs clear, and who stands up for himself when she treats him bad (because as a human, there will be times when she does, just like there will be times when he does).

Emerald said:

My exH is Super AlphaMan & I left him. However he was a very aggressive alpha & very few people, let alone women, like that type of personality. I like nice guys, not doormats.

I see lots of posts from nice guys whose wives treat them like sh_t & frankly those wives are b_tches.

Maybe if the nice guys would "alpha up" a bit, the wives would be nicer but I doubt it. In most cases, the wives would just get b_tchier & that is NOT the desired result.

People need to be very careful when selecting a partner to marry. If the woman is entitled, spoiled, b_tchy no matter how hot she is, a nice guy should think very carefully before marrying her or he will wind up here posting about it.

Of course the above is not gender specific, but the post is talking about nice guys.

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While there is certainly some of this, I think a lot is due to human nature. When nice guys constantly sacrifice so that their wife likes them, it becomes the norm. This is no different than anything else.

To give an example, my wife and I commonly have a snack after the kids go to bed. It may be nothing more than some cheese and crackers, but just a little something to nibble on. One of my "nice guy" habits was to get her snack and put her stuff away when we were done. This was back when our sex life was having problems and I was trying to pick up slack to show how nice I was (though I did not realize conscuously at the time, I was also hoping she would see that and want to have sex because I was so nice). The problem was it became a habit, and she would be get mad if I did not do it. I remember her being upset one evening when she went to bed earlier than I did because I had not picked up her stuff. What started out as a nice gesture became the norm, and anything less was seen as poor behavior.

Now, I don't think my wife is a b1tch, but I do think I was training her that she was above me. I fixed my behavior, and she now appreciates when I offer to do things (and offers to do things for me now as well). So while I think some women are naturally b1tches, I think that some men have trained their women to be that way.

KathyBatesel said:

I am married to the most thoughtful, nicest man I have ever met, but I dislike the kind of person that I call a "nice guy" - a euphemism for the passive aggressive type that tries to control their partner through displays of weakness or kindness. "Nice guys" are anything but nice! They're controlling and manipulative.

In my mind, there's the "nice guy" and then there is a "good man." It's one of the topics I wrote about on my blog because the men who do this feel like they're left in the dust. The good men, on the other hand, are snatched up quickly and never have to wonder.

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:iagree: with everything said here 100%.

Both you an Mavash have the correct interpretation of " nice guy."

Absolute NO woman wants to be married to a man who carries the " nice guy " label.
Nice guy = passive aggressive.
A lot of women are confusing " nice guy " with "good man."
A good man is one who has the qualities YOU look for and admire in a man, and more.
A " nice guy" is basically a dangerous, covert liar.

A nice guy is the equivalent of that girl in the office or group of friends who is always extremely obsequious and pleasant, but goes behind your back and sleeps with your man , or steal your promotion .
A " good man " does stuff to please you because he finds fulfillment and joy in pleasing you. A good man can respectfully disagree with your point of view , and work it out quite amicably.
A " nice guy" will pretend to go along with everything you say , while secretly resenting your dominance. He will smile and laugh with you,whilst secretly planning exactly how to get even with you.


In my opinion ( which may be flawed ), women who are dominant, tend to want " nice guys " because they think that they can be easily controlled.
In other words , a " nice guy " offers to them " the path on least resistance" in a relationship.
With a " nice guy " they can do whatever they want and be only accountable to themselves.
But a relationship takes hard work and sacrifice. Any relationship where only one person is doing all the " heavy lifting " cannot work.

A " good man " will hold you accountable for your actions, support your goal and ambitions, give you the respect you deserve , while at the same time expressing his needs and desires.

So maybe you ladies at confusing " nice guy " with " good man."