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Next steps after discovering proof of infidelity

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L

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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Hello,

I've been surfing the interweb in the last 36 hours looking to pick up advice on "what to do next" after recently discovering proof of my wife's infidelity.

We've been married thirteen years and have two kids.

I'm going to forgo making you all suffer through the background leading up this event because I'm sure there is a mountain of it to wade through and analyze, all of which I'm sure I'll be doing in the coming months.

I had an inclination something was wrong over the last few months, and proof of the affair was found a day ago in a fairly explicit series of TXT messages I discovered from her phone. While TXT messages don't prove a physical affair, the content indicates they have been physical in the past and are planning on doing so again in the near future.


The guts of my cry for help here is What do I do next?

My very immediate problem lies in that tonight is our regular "date night", kids off to friends and the two of us head out, movie or dinner etc. I don't know if I can put myself through an evening pretending to be enjoying myself (or, god-forbid, she expects to be having sex with me at some point. The little general won't be standing to attention given some of the mental imagery running through my head after reading her TXT messages :(.)

My first reaction is that I want to collect further evidence before confronting her, as I know she'll lie and distort my argument in relation to the material I already have. (My wife could argue her way out of the Louvre museum with the Mona Lisa rolled up under her arm).

So, my question is when do I confront her? Now, before "date night", or wait and gather more proof? By more proof I'm thinking I would have to engage the professional services of a PI.

I guess this may seem like a simple question to you all, but my mind is a blur at the moment and I'm erring on the side of caution that some of my decisions will not be entirely rational right now.

I appreciate your time in reply.

***************** Notes in answer to other people ***************************

* I'm fully aware of who the OM is. He's married, with a child. I haven't contacted the OM's wife (and while I heartedly believe she should be told, I'm not rushing to do this)
* I share a computer with my wife and I know she's not contacting him through here.
* I have no idea what I want to do now, reconcile or run. My gut impression is that I lack the substance to forgive her, but I'm so seriously numb right now I don't know. I'm staying as calm as I can (my default personality trait).
* I will be keeping the welfare of the kids (both under ten years) at the forefront of everything I do here.
* I can't undertake any measures to snoop on her phone (above what is already legitimately in place, as I can't risk breaking any laws in my country).

I will get an STD check.

I've already booked myself into a counselor provided by my work place, but this is not for another four days.
 
S

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#3 ·
Step 1: Find the wife or GF of the other man , and tell her about his cheating with your wife.

Step 2: if they've got a date night planned, c-block it big time.

Step 3: Cut off her access to money and credit.
 
TCSRedhead

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#4 ·
If you're not comfortable being out alone with her, maybe you suddenly feel ill and cancel date night? I don't think that would be a lie considering what you've just found out.

I'm sorry - this has to be terribly hard right now.
 
SomedayDig

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#5 ·
As 2asdf2 asked...what is your intent? Is the possibility of a physical affair a deal breaker for you or are you willing to attempt reconciliation.

For me, I never had a clue about my wife's 5 year long affair. I found it one night when I needed to check my email and her laptop was open and on.

I confronted her immediately.

Where do you see yourself going? I mean, if you're going to confront, maybe date night would be a good night since the kids won't be around. Just make sure to confront BEFORE going out to dinner.
 
frozen

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#6 ·
Do not confront her tonight!
Do not hint of any suspicions.
Put on the best you possible.
Bring up feeling disconnected and lack of intimacy. Discuss and Get a commitment to couples therapy.
Tomorrow get a GPS in her car. also voice activated recorder. What kind of phone does she have?
Have you figured out who the OM is?
 
H

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#7 ·
You're not feeling up to your date tonight, first of all.

Next, gather more evidence. Your intuition there is correct. Put a keylogger on her computer, VAR's in her car and anywhere else private she has where she might talk to OM on the phone or meet up with him (some people put them under their own bed). There's an evidence gathering thread here - I'll leave the how-to's to the experts.

Once you have the incontrovertible proof, calmly present it to her along with your request that she vacate the premises.

Be prepared for trickle truth and denial and gaslighting and the fog. Research those terms if you don't know what they mean.

There's a Newbies link in my signature to read too.

And get tested for STD's.

Wish you didn't have to be here :( Getting cheated on sucks.
 
L

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for the rapid responses.

Answers to some questions:
* I'm fully aware of who the OM is. He's married, with a child.
* I share a computer with my wife and I know she's not contacting him through here.
* I have no idea what I want to do now, reconcile or run. My gut impression is that I lack the substance to forgive her, but I'm so seriously numb right now I don't know. I'm staying as calm as I can (my default personality trait) - probably too calm and it might be a giveaway :)
* I will be keeping the welfare of the kids (both under ten years) at the forefront of everything I do here.
* I can't undertake any measures to snoop on her phone (above what is already legitimately in place, as I can't risk breaking any laws in my country).

Thanks for the comment re STD check - I hadn't thought of that (obvious now it's stated).

I've already booked myself into a councelor provided by my work place, but this is not for another four days.
 
badbane

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#10 ·
LostClone said:
Hello,

I've been surfing the interweb in the last 36 hours looking to pick up advice on "what to do next" after recently discovering proof of my wife's infidelity.

We've been married thirteen years and have two kids.

I'm going to forgo making you all suffer through the background leading up this event because I'm sure there is a mountain of it to wade through and analyze, all of which I'm sure I'll be doing in the coming months.

I had an inclination something was wrong over the last few months, and proof of the affair was found a day ago in a fairly explicit series of TXT messages I discovered from her phone. While TXT messages don't prove a physical affair, the content indicates they have been physical in the past and are planning on doing so again in the near future.


The guts of my cry for help here is What do I do next?

My very immediate problem lies in that tonight is our regular "date night", kids off to friends and the two of us head out, movie or dinner etc. I don't know if I can put myself through an evening pretending to be enjoying myself (or, god-forbid, she expects to be having sex with me at some point. The little general won't be standing to attention given some of the mental imagery running through my head after reading her TXT messages :(.)

My first reaction is that I want to collect further evidence before confronting her, as I know she'll lie and distort my argument in relation to the material I already have. (My wife could argue her way out of the Louvre museum with the Mona Lisa rolled up under her arm).

So, my question is when do I confront her? Now, before "date night", or wait and gather more proof? By more proof I'm thinking I would have to engage the professional services of a PI.

I guess this may seem like a simple question to you all, but my mind is a blur at the moment and I'm erring on the side of caution that some of my decisions will not be entirely rational right now.

I appreciate your time in reply.
Click to expand...
Hold off for now. Try and figure out Who, How long, and how far. If the texts are explicit that is a very bad sign.
But you have atleast fount their primary form of communication. Write down his number and look up the phone logs. Try to determine how often they are speaking. Try and contact the other mans Wife.

Once you have the Other mans wife, evidence that their communication has been constant and ongoing, and coupled with the texts then it is time to attack.

Step one is tell your wife you need to talk
Then you need to tell your wife you know about "give his name"
You know that she is cheating and explain that explicit texts shows me you were comfortable enough with this guy to contemplate having sex.
Show that you know they have been communicating behind your back.
Tell her you know everything tell her she has one chance to come clean. Tell her the words "Nothing happened come out of her mouth you are walking out the door. " Have your bags packed and ready to go.
If she comes clean you still need to proceed to leave. Tell her you know there is more and that is not all other wise she will try and just give you tib bits of information we call it trickle truth. Keep it up until you can't take it anymore.

Tell her that if she wants you to even consider staying with you that she send the OM a no contact letter that states she made a mistake, apologize to the OM for dragging him into it, and telling him that the NO letter is the last form of communication she will have with the OM until the day she dies.

Tell her she better hand over her phone , email passwords, and tell her you have a current count of messages and if the count is off that you will consider another breach of trust.

She needs to understand that her marriage is hanging in the balance and that any lies and deceit will forfeit that marriage immediately.

After you are done with your wife expose everything to her family, friends, and neighbors. Then contact the Other mans Wife and inform her of what is going on. She deserves to know that her husband is cheating just as much as you deserve to know. Plus with him trying to patch up stuff at home he won't be trying to manipulate your wife with messages.

Tell her if the om calls or texts that she is not to respond she is to show you the message then delete it. I would also consider setting up a block on his phone.
 
costa200

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#11 ·
More evidence? Why? What exactly is there to gain? You already know she is cheating and who with... From that point on you already know what you need to know. You either get to work on a grueling R or you dump her ass.

If she just starts denying all that crap you can just assume she will lie to you forever and you then decide if you want to be ok about sharing your wife or you want to have a shot at happiness with another person.

Or is it that you are not really sure? Are the TXTs very revealing?
 
L

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
costa200 said:
More evidence? Why? What exactly is there to gain? You already know she is cheating and who with... From that point on you already know what you need to know. You either get to work on a grueling R or you dump her ass.

If she just starts denying all that crap you can just assume she will lie to you forever and you then decide if you want to be ok about sharing your wife or you want to have a shot at happiness with another person.

Or is it that you are not really sure? Are the TXTs very revealing?
Click to expand...
I'm not sure of the forum rules and whether posting said TXT messages is allowed? (I'm busy reading rules now)

I'm happy to post some of them and let you make a decision.
 
P

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#14 ·
LostClone said:
I'm not sure of the forum rules and whether posting said TXT messages is allowed? (I'm busy reading rules now)

I'm happy to post some of them and let you make a decision.
Click to expand...
Keep in mind that if you live in Canada or the US, you don't have to prove anything to anyone besides yourself. Not us, not her, no one.

C
 
L

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Ok, this is one excerpt from yesterday. It doesn't matter how many times I read this example, I'm still looking for "other interpretations" in case I'm jumping to conclusions. Albeit, it's pretty much in black and white (so to speak).

DS: My wife
OM: Other male.

DS: hey u:) u up yet?
OM: No way, im in bed listeng to the rain. How was ur sleep?
DS: u suck :p wish I was with u.
OM: I wish u and ur waxd lil ***** was with me too :) yea it sounds like a good day to be inside.
DS: on my way;-)
OM: Nice! Thk id like slowly kiss n lick u making u cum....
DS: k - think I'd last about 5 seconds ;-) then my turn :)
OM: Wud that make u cum?
DS: don't think would take much with u. especially if I'm 100% there instead of 90 - u know somewhere with no possible interruptions!
OM: Its difficult to completely relax isnt it. We will hav to find a place :)
DS: yea it is and yep we will :) would like u and yr hot bod all to myself:) x
OM: :)
OM: Theres always my house next week when <name removed> at work? Ha
 
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