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hello,
this is my first post on this forum. well, my husband and i met online in 2010 and october 2011 we married. he is a super great guy and is a real man. his sex drive is way, way lower than mine. he is 49yrs old and i am 36yrs old. he was with his now deceased wife for 21 years prior to meeting me. when we were first together he wanted to have sex all the time, and really good sex at that, but now he says he is stressed about money and other things and he's just not in the mood. he is all gung-ho when i stimulate him oraly (which i probably give up too freely), but when it comes to intercourse it's only about once a week and most times every two weeks. the intercourse doesn't last more than two minutes tops (if even that long). i have been told countless times that this is a normal couple's sex routine. this just isn't cutting it for me.

with that said, i must divulge a couple of my own issues. i was sexually exploited by family beginning at the age of 3. predators easily spotted me and in my pre-teens and teens i was exploited by older men. as a young adult i had abusive relationships and could rarely get a boyfriend or anyone to regularly have sex with me. i would go to bars and have disgusting, dangerous and unfulfilling sex with strangers. i feel sexually "jipped" in this life.

what it comes down to is i want to have sex more...he says we do have sex cuz i give him oral and sometimes he will manually stimulate me...but i want pounding, hard intercourse.....it makes me feel wanted....all the sweet things he does, all the meals he cooks, all the things he builds and fixes, all the nice words - to me it all just registers as a really sweet guy who is my best friend.

we have argued countless times over this and he says he's not 18 anymore and "why don't you buy yourself some sex toys and masterbate like every other woman in america". i have been masterbating my entire life and i want a sex partner now. he has been having sex since he was a kid and enjoying it.....i have been having sex since i was a kid and have not enjoyed it. i just want to enjoy my wonderful husband and to feel wanted sexually by him...he will cuddle and caress me and play with my breasts but then thats it. this only gets me "worked up" because i find this stimulating....i find any touch stimulating - and that is probably my main problem.....

i believe i am the one with the problem, not him. he's a normal guy....i'm not a normal girl.

has anyone else had their partner tell them to go masterbate in lieu of having sex? how did it make you feel? is this sex addiction or something? any suggestions?
 

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I don't think your preference for sex more than once a week is anything near an addiction. I doubt the issues you two are encountering are completely on your end. I'm wondering if (just because of the age difference) he has some issues getting or maintaining an erection. Have you spoken about enhancers (like Viagra, etc.)?
 

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At 49 he may be going through some life changes/medical issues.

Do you feel if he had more intercourse with you that would solve the problem for you? I'm assuming because of your childhood you equate sex with love? The more sex the more love?
 

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Who told you weekly or fortnightly sex was normal for couples?
Which couples?
Cause it isn't in my house and we're pretty normal I think.

But really 'normal' is irrelevant, some couples are happy with once every few weeks...some want it everyday. You've just got to make sure you and your spouse have simliar sexdrives (although that can change over years due to hormones, health issues etc)

It's what is good for YOU and your H that matters... and sometimes we (both people in the couple) need to comprismise.

What would be an acceptable amount of sex each week for you...and for h.
Can you meet in the middle?
 

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OceansWell

I am totally knowing how you feel and I'm a man!! I may have a different background situation but I beleive the pain and feelings that go along with them are very similar. You are not alone. I am a 31 year old male and actually was a virgin when I was married 2 years ago. I come from a religeous background and beleived that I needed to wait to have sex untill married. So here I am a 29 almost 30 year old man with a great job, own my own condo, I'm funny have everything going for me all except im a little insecure when it comes to sex because I've never done it. Anywho my wife didnt wait and had a few partners and just couldnt wait for whatever reason....and now that we are married I am wanting to sow my wild oats; but in a commited and loving marriage relationship.....only one problem :( she would rather play words with friends, that have sex cross her mind while in bed. What am i to to think, this defanelty doesnt make me feel wanted. I am wanting to be the guy that has my wife wanting me. I as well have been the guy who has just masterbated but now I also want a sexual partner not just a roomate who initiates once every two weeks if I do everything right (which all her past lovers were scmucks and losers) and now I feel like the scmuck because the low frequency. I really dont know a solution all I can say is that i empathize and fatasize about having someone who desires me sexually more than her past partners.
 

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Oceans, I'm 51 and I know my drive is still high. I believe that if you looked up your frequency, you'd find that your union is considered a sexless marriage.

Like Sacmale, I too wrestle with this issue with my wife. Since the beginning of this year, we average 4x a month so I'm in almost the same boat as you.

as for you, do you recieve any counseling for your past issues? If not, you should consider it.
First things first - Rule out medical issues as suggested by others. It could be low testosterone. Also see what can be done about the stress issue. Would he be open to counseling about it? Do both of you work?
 

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@Toffer... Is that a typo? Once a week or two weeks being considered sexless?
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I am a woman. I own no toys and hardly masturbate. So...not every woman in America does what he thinks we do.

I'm sorry you're going through this. While his reasons may be justifiable (maybe he has problems performing when stressed), I can't imagine how frustrating it must be :(
 

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'Average' and 'normal' are two separate issues. Most married couples have sex on average 2-3 times a week....If both partners are OK with once every two weeks or even once a month then that is 'normal' for them.

The problem comes when one partner wants it more than the other. Is wanting sex with your lower drive partner every day unreasonable?...probably. Is wanting sex once a week unreasonable? certainly not.
 

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I really can't offer much advice here...I don't think any of us are qualified to, honestly. You are dealing with multiple serious issues and I think your husbands sex drive is just the factor thats bringing out the response.
 

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I really can't offer much advice here...I don't think any of us are qualified to, honestly. You are dealing with multiple serious issues and I think your husbands sex drive is just the factor thats bringing out the response.
I agree.
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If you're having a problem, you should look for a solution. This isn't just you, though. If he's not willing to talk to you more openly about the problem, not willing to take your concerns seriously, and instead is just dismissing your concerns, then you have two problems.

See if you can talk to him again and really explain what's going on for you in a way that he can hear it and not be threatened. He may not be able to give you what you need. In that case, you have to consider whether you want to stay in the marriage or seek your fulfillment elsewhere. That's not being a jerk, that's being honest about what you need.

My WH/EH/STBXH frequently rejected me about sex and often told me to go play with toys (and then berated me so I wouldn't be so quick to ask again). I'm a very sexual person, but I'm also monogamous. I wanted sex at least once a day, but I was getting it once in three weeks. I thought it was depression, boredom, his lack of attraction to me, but it turned out he was watching a crazy amount of porn, having online affairs with women, and hooking up with people on CL instead of getting it at home. He claimed that giving in to my request for sex would be rewarding me for failing to live up to his expectations (but those were just excuses, it turned out). It took me a long time to recognize that his dismissal of my concerns was abusive; when I recognized that it wasn't my fault, I investigated and discovered the real problem with our lack of sex. Your situation seems to involve age rather than infidelity, but I wanted to tell you my story to show you that you're not alone in feeling neglected and dismissed. It takes a toll on you. It can be hard to figure out who to blame if you've been in abusive and exploitative relationships in the past, so keep listening to how you feel rather than how you think you should feel or how someone else tells you to feel. You shouldn't ignore something that you need just because someone else thinks you don't need it.

If you don't have a counselor, get one. This will be helpful in figuring out what you want, given the complex relationship to notions of obligation, expectation, and need-fulfillment that you must surely have as a result of your past. I sympathize. My counselor has been a god-send.
 

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when a woman is sex-scarred,sex-extorted, sex-bitten , sex-tortured,sex-stimulated in different ways, from the past and it sub-consciously drives her in the conscious level to have strong,"passionate" ,wild, and even violent sexual vibes..

Sexual Lust and Sexual Love has its difference...and it makes all the difference in Sex...in Love , Relationship ,Behaviours
 

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I feel for ya hun.
but, in reality, I think telling you to "go masturbate" instead of having an open frank talk about sex in your marriage, was kind of hurtful.

j
 

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Couldn't hurt to look into sex addiction. Most sex addicts current behaviours are a result of being sexually exploited at a young age. But looking for regular sex from your husband is totally normal and it sounds like he has a problem at his end. I'd say sex therapy would be a win-win for you and your hubby.
 
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