Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My husband and I have been married for about a year and a half now. I found out he was cheating about 6 Months ago and I decided to stay although sometimes I get second thoughts.

My Husband and I met in high school and were dating for four years before we got married in April 2014. Our married life was great, or that's how it was for me. We would have a lot of sex at the beginning of our marriage but within 2-3 months it started to decrease. It all started with one time, halfway through intercourse, we stopped because he couldn't "finish." He said he was tired and maybe that was the reason his body wasn't responding the way it should be. I was more than understanding, we are hardworking and very active individuals and I understand that the body gets tired so I didn't put much attention to that first hint of what was going on.

As the weeks went on, we had less and less intercourse and when we did, the same thing kept happening. It started to concern me because when we were dating he couldn't keep his hand off of me. I was getting somewhat suspicious but tried ignoring it because I trust him immensely and in my mind I knew he wasn't capable of doing something to hurt me.

The days kept going by and I noticed that he would spend more time in the bathroom than usual and that he always had his phone with him. Once I noticed that, I noticed that his phone was always with him, especially in his pocket. I got even more suspicious when he started putting it under his pillow at night.

One night I decided that I needed to check his phone, so I did. That night we had been drinking and I knew that it was the best opportunity because he is a very heavy sleeper when he has had a few drinks. So I discreetly pulled his phone from under his pillow. It was turned off. I turned it on to see if maybe he would get a text or call from someone. Minutes after I turned it on, two messages appeared from a woman. "I am a bit overwhelmed, let's stop this whole I love you thing."

Instantly I felt my body tremble and my heart race. I couldn't believe what I was reading. I wanted to cry so badly. I kept the phone and decided to confront him the next day.

The next day I couldn't bring myself to ask him, but he did notice that I was cold and distant. When he asked me what was wrong, I completely broke down in tears. I told him what had happened and why I checked his phone and how he hasn't touched me. He admitted that she was a coworker and that she had been throwing herself at him and after her trying many times, he finally gave in to go out for coffee a few times and that she had kissed him. I couldn't believe what he was telling me. I was just sitting there blankly looking at the floor as he continued explaining.

He said that it didn't mean anything and that he was only playing with her and that he was doing that for excitement.

In the end he agreed to cut everything to do with her.

I tried to put it all behind me. Our marriage started to get a bit better. He wasn't hiding his phone anymore, but I still couldn't get rid or that little gut feeling at the pit of my stomach.

Months later I guess he got a bit too comfortable and I started noticing little things again. I didn't ask him, I wanted to make sure I had evidence in case he tried to lie about anything. I checked his phone a few times over the months hoping to find something, but I never did. No messages or calls.

I almost began to think that I was crazy until one night I checked his phone and I felt my whole life shatter. This was about two weeks after our first anniversary.

That night he forgot to erase the messages from his phone. It was the same woman. By the messages I could see that they had a relationship. At the moment I didn't know what to do.My mind was racing, I started thinking about where I was going to go and live and what things I would take with me. I didn't know what to do. My mind was whirling and all I could do is look at him with disgust. After almost thirty minutes of thinking and thinking, I finally decided to contact her.

First I decided to text her as if I was my husband to see if I could get any information out of her. I woke her up (it was 2:00 AM). She insisted to talk over the phone because she wanted to talk to him. I then decided to tell her who I was and ask her who she was. She didn't believe me and thought he was playing a joke on her. She then called the phone, I hesitated but then answered.

She kept asking me if my husband and I were legit because he had told her that he was married but that he and I were separated. I kept reassuring her that we are married and have been living under the same roof for over a year. After she finally realized what I was saying was true she began to tell me about them two. They had started dating in July, for almost 9 months, and that she had gotten pregnant but got an abortion, she kept telling me that he loved her and that he was going to get a divorce to be with her. All at the time I was speechless. She asked for me to wake him up so that he could clear things up with the two of us.

He was drunk that night so it was hard to wake him up, but once he did and realized what was going on he panicked. He seemed like he was gasping for air and didn't know what to do with himself. He got the phone from my hand and hung up and just put his hands to his face while trying to come to his senses. I kept trying to get answers from me but he just sat there breathing rapidly.

I had to step out of the room for a bit, I couldn't handle being in there so I went to the bathroom to get myself to calm down a bit. After about almost 5 minutes I heard the front door shut. He ran out of the house drunk! I kept calling his cell phone but he didn't answer. I kept texting him but no response.

Hours went by and he didn't come home and he didn't answer my calls. I just kept getting the same texts: "I am so sorry, I don't deserve you, I am such an idiot, I hate myself, I deserve to die, you deserve better, I am worthless, an idiot, scum bag, I am sorry, I hate myself, I deserve to be on the streets!"

I couldn't sleep, all I could do was cry and cry and feel worthless. I just laid in bed letting the tears flow out of my eyes, until I fell asleep for about 15 minutes. It was about 9:00 AM when I was woken up by my phone ringing, it was my husband. I picked up. He asked me to meet him at a park, he was really sorry and that he was going to tell me everything.

I met him at the park. He got into the car and there was an awkward silence. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. After a moment he started to tell me everything. He didn't' know why it happened, it just did, he can't even find reasons for it to happen. He admitted that when I found out before, what he said was a lie. There had been an affair going on but he had cut it off the day I found out. He hadn't made any contact with her until a few weeks later she reached out to him and told him that she was pregnant. She told him that she didn't want to have the baby and that she was going to have an abortion so he kept contact with her to show support. Then things went back to having the affair again. He said he felt stupid for saying so but that he couldn't stop it. He felt horrible but he couldn't figure out how to stop it from happening. He admitted that they had intercourse 3 more times after I found out the first time but that he wasn't able to finish with her either because of how bad he felt for what he was doing behind my back.

He said that he was nothing to her, that she nor any other woman will ever be as great as the woman I am to him. No one could surpass, much less, replace me. He kept telling me that she kept insisting and insisting but at the end he gave in and it seemed easy. When he tried to stop it everything was already too far along and he didn't know how to. Things between them were already dying down and he already planned on ending everything. He hates himself for everything and all the pain that he has caused me and for how stupid and weak he was. He knew he didn't deserve and that I deserved better but he couldn't live without me, I am his best friend and he doesn't want to lose me. He said that as soon as he left the house that night he called her and ended everything, telling her that he didn't want anything to do with her again.

After hours of him pleading my forgiveness we finally went home. I hated him, I have never hated someone so much before in my life. I didn't talk to him, much less look at him. He just sat there and looked at me like a helpless puppy. I just stood in the room looking around, deciding what I was going to start packing first. I got a box, he looked at me frightened and asked me in a quivering voice,"what are you doing?" I told him I was leaving.

He jolted up and cried like I have never seen before. He pleaded and got on his knees. He pleaded for a second chance and if after I some time if I didn't want to be with him that he would understand, but to at least let him try. After he cried his heart out I decided that I would give him another chance.

It has now been six months since the affair and we are both still working on our marriage. He is trying really hard. He always leaves his phone out, I have the passcode, he calls me when he arrives and leaves at work or any other place. He doesn't go anywhere or do anything without checking in with me first. He is very affectionate and helps out around the house, such as cleaning, cooking, doing the laundry or the dishes. He is starting to be sweeter as he used to be when we were dating. Everything seems almost perfect now. I have checked his phone without him knowing, not because I suspected anything or saw hints, but because I just wanted to make sure that he is in fact doing what he says he is. I also keep track of the messages and calls on his phone. He's doing really good.

When we are together everything is fine, we have so much fun and are so happy with each other but sometimes the whole thing pops up in my head at random and sometimes I start doubting him again for no reason. I sometimes even notice that this happens on the best days that we have.

We have only had sex once since the affair. He says that he doesn't feel ready to be with me intimately. He says that he still feels guilty and low for what he did and even if he tries, he can't take out that deception from his mind. I want to be with him intimately and I thought that I was going to be the one that want going to be ready for that but I guess he was also affected by it.

I don't know what to think sometimes. I want our marriage to work and I want us to stay together for ever and reach our goals and dreams that we had planned, but sometimes I get scared to completely trust in him again and I don't even think I could ever go back to fully trusting him as I used to.

Sometimes I feel that I am a bit mean to him and get mad for things I didn't use to get about, I feel that I still have anger inside of me and I don't like taking it out on him when all he has done since then is be nothing but loving and sweet to me. I want to be happy but I can't get the affair out of my mind.

I still find myself crying about it and feel the same pain as the day I found out. I would be completely happy and in an instant the pain would come back into my mind. It is so hard, but I want to make it work.

Have any of you forgiven your spouse after an affair? If you did how did you work it out? Do you have any suggestions or advice that would help in the process?

I know this was really long, but I appreciate all of you that took the time to read it. Any feed back is much appreciated. I don't really have anybody to talk to so it would help to get some feedback and also your thoughts on this whole situation.

Thank you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,578 Posts
OP,
I believe that there are inherent weaknesses in some individuals personalities that create susceptibility. Not an excuse but an observation. I am intrigued by the claim that so many waywards make that they do not know why they did it. How can this be, how can someone act without purpose? This is a concept that is totally foreign to me. Until someone recognizes what led them to do a particular thing then they cannot, with any degree of certainty, proclaim that they will never do it again. This is where I personally feel that many BS's err when reconciling in that they accept the statement of the WS and do not demand that they discover why they did it.

If you want to trust your H again then you must have the assurance that he comprehends why he did what he did and therefore can recognize and desist that behavior in the future. Until this is accomplished, he remains vulnerable to falling into that same behavior. If he acts without reason and rationale then his behavior is unreasonable and irrational. Something to consider.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
29,726 Posts
Words that spring to mind are: Postnuptial, Divorce and Annulment. Oh, yes and Attorney.

Sorry you are here, but glad you found us.

Your husband has resigned from the position of husband.

All you need do now is formally accept his resignation.

And get tested for STDs.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
791 Posts
Ohh girl I am sorry you are here.

Run as fast as you can and do not look back.

You do not want to waste your years on this man,he does not deserve you.

He said he could not stopped Affair,come on give me a break. Every cheater says that.
Damn he even told her that you two are separated so he made a plan to cheat on you and your marriage.

Go and find yourself a lawyer. Trust me he is not worth it.

You will find another,better husband and have family with him.

Stay strong
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,265 Posts
I'm not really sure why you would forgive a man that cheated on you multiple times and then went underground with his affair partner and even lied to HER about being in a "committed" marriage with you.

How many lies are you going to allow to dictate your life choices? Forgiveness is a very noble virtue, but forgiveness should also go to the truly remorseful. A man that repeatedly cheats on you is not remorseful. Those tears were only because he was now caught (by both women) and had nowhere to run and hide. He was crying for himself, not for you or for the relationship.

He's not marriage material. I keep saying this about people like this but it's the truth. It's just not a kind of lifestyle he was meant for. The world is full of all sorts of people and some of them will happily stab you in the back with a smile on their face. I digress...

I don't believe he loves you much at all, or else he wouldn't have behaved this way. He might like you, he may have loved you once, but his current feelings for you are not love. He'll probably do all sorts of great things to "appease" you. There's not much to salvage or "fight" for. I'd let him go and work on your mental well-being so you'll be in a better place to find your happiness. You can do so much better. Learn from this experience.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
188 Posts
I would imagine that he pushed this other woman into having an abortion also. Sounds like he doesn't want any responsibility.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
I cannot understand why he wouldn't want to make love love to you. If he loves u so much and thought he lost u and now has u back he should be all over you.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,014 Posts
Fyi, I graduated high school the year you were born. I, like many here, have kids and a few years on you. It would be astronomically selfish to bring kids into a situation like this.

Your hb isn't ready to be married. Might he be eventually? Maybe, but he's shown you a huge character flaw and you're going to waste many years of your life hoping it changes and it likely won't.

I know it's scary but you have no idea what kind of pain you'll spare yourself if you dump him now.

And suicide threats are the ultimate manipulation tactic.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
144 Posts
Let me give you a different perspective: I was your husband. I stood where he stands and am still cleaning up my mess, with minor differences. Go to a marriage counsellor; a good one. If he wants to fix the disaster he created, he will go with you. You both need it but you especially. The emotions will flow through every fiber of your being. You're wired that way as most women are and can't always help it. You'll act towards him in ways that you would not normally and you won't understand why. You try to put all those feelings in a box and put them away but sometimes they just come right back out.
Do not promise that you won't leave. If you want to stay, just agree that you will work on it for now. You need clarity so you can make the right decisions.

Get an STD test. Both of you.

He may truly be sorry and he may change and be totally faithful to you from now on. Hey may not. Only time will determine that. Dump and run is not necessarily the right answer. Like I said, you need clarity before you determine that. It's not good to make those decisions without serious perspective.

Take care of your heart. It needs protection. You can facilitate that by doing things that you enjoy (My wife used to go to the spa). It's just a chance for you to let your guard down and decompress for a bit. Otherwise the stress becomes too much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
I agree with Birdman. Protect yourself right now, do not make any decisions right now. You need time for you.

I'm not going to lie, I was in the cut and run crowd when I first read your post and that's because my daughter is your age so I have some years on you too. I've been married for a long time and it hasn't been great but our issues definitely weren't in the early years. That's why my gut said to say what everyone else did.

The truth is no matter what you do you'll have to deal with this big pile of unfair crap that's been handed to you so early on. Find a good counselor and don't be afraid to fire them and find a new one as they are not all equal. You have a lot to figure out and no one can make that decision but you.

So to answer you, yes there are some people that move forward from affairs and some will say it made them stronger etc. But most people don't and I can tell you that no matter what your relationship will never be the same ever no matter which route you choose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,197 Posts
You are only one and a half years married. Your husband is already cheating on you. He's too tired to be intimate with you because he is also servicing another woman. He gets her pregnant as well but she has an abortion. You forgave him and he continues his affair underground.

You need to see a psychologist to get your mindset in the right direction. You have no children in this marriage. Leave now while your situation is not complicated. Your husband is not marriage material.

You are young and can still live the life that you desire. Sorry that you are here.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,729 Posts
There is hope that you can recover from this, but it will take work, and time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
This sounds like my husband, who turned out to be a serial cheater. In the beginning, after he got caught, he cried and begged and pleaded. He did the same things as your husband...leaving his phone out, calling me/checking in with me, coming home straight after work. He claimed he didn't want sex with me for the same reasons. Turns out he was still cheating on me, he was just very good at hiding it. He was having sex with other women while not having sex with me for a short time. He has over 10 affairs in the span of 3 years that I know about.

I'm not saying your husband is a serial cheater. He might have made a mistake. Please don't do what I did and just forgive him easily. Make him go to counseling and take some time to separate and detach from him. Show him that you will leave him if he cheats again. Look into hidden emails, a hidden phone, and possibly GPS track him (hint you can even do it with facebook). I didn't listen and ended up with a child, an STD, and years of pain with my serial cheating husband. I just want you to be safe.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top