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Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I am recently married second time for both my husband and me. We are mid 30s, one son each, and we were both divorced several years before getting together. I currently stay at home to organize the household and take kids to and from activities and other parents houses. My husband recently was promoted in the construction business, and is currently on salary for the first time, and is in charge of entire projects, making him essentially a very busy man.

Most of our conflict arises from his work schedule, old wounds, and miscommunication. Anyway, that’s my introduction to this forum.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I guess that’s why I’m here. It feels like no matter what I say, it’s seen as an attack or accusation. He works six days a week. Leaves before 5 am and doesn’t get home till 7 or 8 in the evening. Once home, he has to do his daily reports, prep for the next day, etc, before going to bed. He’s often not able to answer texts during the day, so I have to save everything until he gets home. Every other weekend, I have his son and my own son all day by itself. They are 9 and 11, so not quite toddlers, but they do require a lot of attention and reminders throughout the day. Not to mention driving to various activities.

My stepson is a good kid, but he sees himself as too grown to listen to me. I’m mild mannered and rarely raise my voice. Plus my husband and I agreed to leave the discipline to Bio parents. Anyway, my husband this last Saturday evening after work told me he was going to go take his work truck to get the windows tinted on Sunday. I asked if he was planning to spend time with us since it was our only day of the week with him (one of two out of the month with his son). He got mad and said he “never gets to do anything he wants to do”. I was hurt that spending time with us was not what he “wants” to do with his time. Then he said his son is too old to need a “babysitter” as though that meant he didn’t require any time or attention whatsoever.

Especially hurtful was that the weekend before we had invited all of my husbands friends over to drink, grill and we even went to a bar to go dancing and play pool. The weekend before that, he spent his Sunday off work outside working on his truck (his favorite hobby) while I cleaned and kept the children from fighting all day. So....it’s not like he ever seems to be doing things he doesn’t want to do at any point.

But when I say things like that, he says dramatically that he will “never do anything ever again” since he isn’t alliwed. I’ve tried working on my phrasing (when you do x, I feel y), but that ends with him saying he “didn’t do anything wrong” because, in his mind, not cheating or womanizing is the only qualifier for a good husband, and I hurt my own feelings by taking his actions personally.

I am not perfect and lose my temper plenty. I will readily admit when I say or do something hurtful. But I hate feeling like I can’t talk about the things that bother or hurt me without being accused of trying to start a fight.
 

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Tell him he’s free to work on his truck on Sunday. Then let him know that the following Sunday is your day off and you expect him to look after the children.
And don’t back down,he is one of these men that thinks his wife is sitting on her ass all day watching tv and reading romance novels and the kids don’t need looking after. He needs to be disillusioned very rapidly.
 

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He is working entirely too much. This is one of the fastest ways to lose your marriage. Marriage requires time spent together, I think 15 hours a week of one on one time is what is recommended, at minimum. Im sure he DOES feel like he never gets any time to himself, because he doesnt, really. He doesnt really get family time either. I can imagine that you feel pretty put upon keeping his son by yourself as well.. what would he do with him if you werent in the picture?

Why does he put in these hours, is he the owner of the business? He probably gets testy when you complain because he feels he is doing what is expected of him, meeting his responsibility of providing for the family. He needs to realize that actually being present is of the utmost importance, and he needs back off and make it a priority.

Also maybe its time you found a job as well, that would take so much pressure off of him. Those boys are old enough they dont need a parent at home full time.
 

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He's a bit overwhelmed and needs his truck to get rid of the tension. You are overwhelmed and need to do something for yourself. You need to do something with your husband once in a while. He needs to remember that unless you work together, you'll lose the goal. Everything will fall apart.

This is a mess, but he needs to have less to do at work, so he can get his work done there and not at home. He needs to have some help there, to free up a bit of time, then he will have some for you and the children.

I wonder if he is taking on more than his job description calls for?

Anyway, I tend to drop by and not come back to a thread. Sorry about that. I would like to simple give you some things to help you consider what to do. Sorry, I don't have the answers. If you can't talk with him, I don't know what you can do.
 

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But when I say things like that, he says dramatically that he will “never do anything ever again” since he isn’t alliwed. I’ve tried working on my phrasing (when you do x, I feel y), but that ends with him saying he “didn’t do anything wrong” because, in his mind, not cheating or womanizing is the only qualifier for a good husband, and I hurt my own feelings by taking his actions personally.

Sounds like you're walking on eggshells. And that's a bad thing.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Tell him he’s free to work on his truck on Sunday. Then let him know that the following Sunday is your day off and you expect him to look after the children.
And don’t back down,he is one of these men that thinks his wife is sitting on her ass all day watching tv and reading romance novels and the kids don’t need looking after. He needs to be disillusioned very rapidly.
That’s a good idea! Although I would worry he’d let the boys play with fire or jump off the roof if I wasn’t around! 😂
 

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Discussion Starter #9
He is working entirely too much. This is one of the fastest ways to lose your marriage. Marriage requires time spent together, I think 15 hours a week of one on one time is what is recommended, at minimum. Im sure he DOES feel like he never gets any time to himself, because he doesnt, really. He doesnt really get family time either. I can imagine that you feel pretty put upon keeping his son by yourself as well.. what would he do with him if you werent in the picture?

Why does he put in these hours, is he the owner of the business? He probably gets testy when you complain because he feels he is doing what is expected of him, meeting his responsibility of providing for the family. He needs to realize that actually being present is of the utmost importance, and he needs back off and make it a priority.

Also maybe its time you found a job as well, that would take so much pressure off of him. Those boys are old enough they dont need a parent at home full time.


His new job has him as in charge of a project, hiring crew, staying on budget, etc, but he is not the owner. He is also salary, so his pay doesn’t change no matter how much he works. Right now he’s saying he is trying to prove himself as an asset. But he does way more than his job requires (even running equipment to keep the flow). The paperwork waits until he gets home because he doesn’t know how to do it and I do. I do almost all of his admin work. I’ve tried to tell him to get me hired as his assistant since he is allowed to make hiring decisions, but so far he’s shy to approach the owner about it. It would be extra income, take off some of his workload and provide a little extra time together, but it hasn’t happened yet.

Last time I worked, we had a horrible time. Our house was never clean, we were always tired and fighting and I lost time with my son because I couldn’t make it to all of his school activities and practices.

Before we got together, he didn’t see his son for a year (he worked out of state and just gave up fighting with his ex about being absent). I’ve just now gotten his son to trust me and us that we will be there for him and aren’t going anywhere.
 

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I currently stay at home to organize the household and take kids to and from activities and other parents houses.
I think you may need to reconsider your position in the household. Based on the stress his job is creating, I think it would help a lot if you also got a job. This would mean he could take a lower-paying job that would likely be less stressful and time consuming. You could work part-time while the kids were in school. I'm sure there are benefits to not working, but you'll have to compare them to the financial impact it causes.

Being a construction manager is a high-stress job which takes a lot of time. Issues come up constantly that have to be dealt with, and they don't just happen between 8-5. So while there are things that can be done to tweak the time situation, the reality is that his future of being a construction manager will look a lot like this. He'll need to get a different job if you want more of a 8-5 schedule with weekends off.
 

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Discussion Starter #12 (Edited)
I think you may need to reconsider your position in the household. Based on the stress his job is creating, I think it would help a lot if you also got a job. This would mean he could take a lower-paying job that would likely be less stressful and time consuming. You could work part-time while the kids were in school. I'm sure there are benefits to not working, but you'll have to compare them to the financial impact it causes.

Being a construction manager is a high-stress job which takes a lot of time. Issues come up constantly that have to be dealt with, and they don't just happen between 8-5. So while there are things that can be done to tweak the time situation, the reality is that his future of being a construction manager will look a lot like this. He'll need to get a different job if you want more of a 8-5 schedule with weekends off.
It probably would be less stressful if he didn’t have this job. But he loves this job. He’s worked for it for years. It wouldn’t matter if I worked, he’d not doing it to support us entirely. It’s his dream. The money is a nice bonus, but not the motivation. Even when he isn’t working, he’s working.

He came home an hour early last week. I was cooking dinner. He said “I guess since I have an hour, I’ll go piddle in the garage”. I asked if he wanted to visit and tell me about his day. He said it was “boring” and went outside. He was out there until after 11. Never came into eat dinner (I only told him it was ready once). Then the next night fell asleep by 8 because he was so tired from being up so late the night before.


Also, me working is also because I can’t find a job. Over a year I looked for something, anything, without a bite. As a mother, the hours I could work make me unsuitable for retail, my education makes me overqualified for certain blue collar work and even after visiting a career counselor and attending job fairs, I have not had an interview. My last job was scrubbing toilets for a rich woman. She ended up going to prison for child abuse. So my references are non existent.
 

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I've never really understood this. Maybe I'm just missing something?

Anytime I've wanted a job, I've gone out into the world, and I got a job.

Being overqualified has been the norm, but it's always been nice to have the money. I even stuffed envelopes at home for a company my ex-husband worked for. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I worked when I wanted, however much I wanted, and I made money to buy extra things for us.

When my children were teens, it was the same for them. When school was out in the summer, they all found jobs. Every single year. No one ever said, 'I can't find a job.'

Recently my youngest quit a job because the owner was making unkind, unprofessional comments about her body. It took her less than a week to find a new job.

If your children are 9 and 11 and in school, you could totally work a morning shift in the mall, at a bookstore, at Starbucks, etc., and be home for them in the afternoon.

:scratchhead:


...I can’t find a job. Over a year I looked for something, anything, without a bite. As a mother, the hours I could work make me unsuitable for retail, my education makes me overqualified for certain blue collar work and even after visiting a career counselor and attending job fairs, I have not had an interview.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
I've never really understood this. Maybe I'm just missing something?

Anytime I've wanted a job, I've gone out into the world, and I got a job.

Being overqualified has been the norm, but it's always been nice to have the money. I even stuffed envelopes at home for a company my ex-husband worked for. I was a stay-at-home mom, and I worked when I wanted, however much I wanted, and I made money to buy extra things for us.

When my children were teens, it was the same for them. When school was out in the summer, they all found jobs. Every single year. No one ever said, 'I can't find a job.'

Recently my youngest quit a job because the owner was making unkind, unprofessional comments about her body. It took her less than a week to find a new job.

If your children are 9 and 11 and in school, you could total work a morning shift in the mall, at a bookstore, at Starbucks, etc., and be home for them in the afternoon.

:scratchhead:
I’m not making this up. I have applied to Starbucks, grocery stores, restaurants, on top of positions I was actually qualified for in the industry I have worked. I never even get an interview. I don’t know why. I have seen a career counselor for help on my resume. Maybe it’s the hours of availability. Maybe it’s the lack of direction. I don’t know. But I did try for a long time. Now I’m not trying because I have a very full schedule of things I don’t get paid for and my husband has the income that makes it not matter.
 

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Oh, I believe you. I just wonder what the difference is.

Anyway, I forgot you were helping your husband. I'd totally knock that off until he pays you. I mean really - just say no. >:)



I’m not making this up. I have applied to Starbucks, grocery stores, restaurants, on top of positions I was actually qualified for in the industry I have worked. I never even get an interview. I don’t know why. I have seen a career counselor for help on my resume. Maybe it’s the hours of availability. Maybe it’s the lack of direction. I don’t know. But I did try for a long time. Now I’m not trying because I have a very full schedule of things I don’t get paid for and my husband has the income that makes it not matter.
 

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Anyway, I forgot you were helping your husband. I'd totally knock that off until he pays you. I mean really - just say no. >:)
^^THIS^^ times 1,000. I get the feeling your husband is afraid and/or embarrassed to let the boss know he isn't proficient in doing the paperwork. Well, tough. Stop doing it. NOW. You're just enabling him. If it's part of his job, then he needs to learn how to do it.

My guess is if you say you won't do it, he'll go ballistic and bully/guilt you into helping him. Me? I'd tell him to go pound sand. YOU should be getting paid to do the work. You know it. He knows it.

P.S. - Your husband is just plain WRONG to be going overboard doing more than is required at his job to prove himself, while ignoring the paperwork he NEEDS to do on his own!
 

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Oh, I believe you. I just wonder what the difference is.

Anyway, I forgot you were helping your husband. I'd totally knock that off until he pays you. I mean really - just say no. >:)
My only guess (and it’s just a guess) has to do with the fact that I sued a former employer and won. I know it’s not supposed to be public knowledge, but I haven’t had a single interview since that. And I never had a lapse in employment before.
 

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^^THIS^^ times 1,000. I get the feeling your husband is afraid and/or embarrassed to let the boss know he isn't proficient in doing the paperwork. Well, tough. Stop doing it. NOW. You're just enabling him. If it's part of his job, then he needs to learn how to do it.

My guess is if you say you won't do it, he'll go ballistic and bully/guilt you into helping him. Me? I'd tell him to go pound sand. YOU should be getting paid to do the work. You know it. He knows it.

P.S. - Your husband is just plain WRONG to be going overboard doing more than is required at his job to prove himself, while ignoring the paperwork he NEEDS to do on his own!
Lol. It’s funny. He came home a few minutes ago, upset because his spreadsheet has a number discrepancy that has gotten worse each day. I tried to explain that his start number has to update each day, but he was too busy blowing me off to call his crew to find out who was fudging numbers. Just now he realized he’d never changed the number to reflect the day. I told him that was too bad and then went to take a bubble bath.
 

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He came home an hour early last week. I was cooking dinner. He said “I guess since I have an hour, I’ll go piddle in the garage”. I asked if he wanted to visit and tell me about his day. He said it was “boring” and went outside. He was out there until after 11. Never came into eat dinner (I only told him it was ready once). Then the next night fell asleep by 8 because he was so tired from being up so late the night before.
This makes me so sad to hear. What is the back story of how you married each other? Was it always like this or did something change?
 

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I agree with @wilson. You want intimacy and connection with your husband. He wants space because he works too hard/long. He has little interest in being a father and may be trying to avoid this. I fear for your future. Do you know what happened to his first marriage/relationship?

How is your sex life? Are you friends? Tell us about the old wounds and miscommunication.

I think stepbrothers 9 and 11 are too young and likely competitive to leave alone for very long. It would be against the law in my state and might become a question should custody decisions be challenged.

I feel your frustration--a housekeeper could do your job--little fulfillment or appreciation can break your spirit.
 
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