[cookie22]

I am new to this forum and would like to share my story for some advice from other people going through a similar situation. I am 29 and met H when I was 24 on vacation and we dated blissfully long distance (2 hours away) for about a year before I moved to his city.

Once moved, I realised there were problems hidden by being so far apart (drinking, partying, immaturity, priorities being friends and following the crowd). There were major problems with drinking and partying and getting him to grow up/settle down with me. I had moved cities for him, I expected more. He had a few bad drunk episodes wherein he finally admitted he needed help. He did out patient program and cut off liquor but still drank beer and wine.

He lied all the time about where he was, who he was with and what he was doing for fear of my being mad and therefore facing conflict. It wasnt other women, it was his friends he was hiding because he was drinking with them. I felt like a mother taming her out of control teenager, even though this man is 6 years my senior.

The lying was alot for me to take because I have trust issues stemming from my childhood. The drinking was better than when we first got together but he would still binge on beer or wine (never just a few) he would also say things about how he wanted a divorce etc.

On top of that there are HUGE emotional issues. I am hurt, resentful, angry about the lying, breaking my trust and having to deal with someone who is no where near my maturity level. I like to have fun absolutely (but preferably responsibly).

For some reason when he proposed in Italy, I was taken back by it all and said yes. I knew things werent right but got caught up in the planning, parties, showers, events etc. We did a destination wedding and the before I realized the trip was booked and so were over 60 guests. Basically, the weddings been over for about 9 mos and were back to square one. Im not happy and I am not in love with this person who has pushed me over the edge and made me into someone who I hate.

We attended couples counselling and she said she wasn't sure if she could help us because I am already checked out of the marriage beyond being able to pull me back in.
I am 29 years old, only been married for 9 mos and together for 5 years total.
We have separated and are living apart and have been for over 2 mos now and I plan to divorce.

He is devastated, says his world is crashing before him and swears to change everything that was wrong and I am not interested in any of these changes or even seeing where things go, I'm simply done. He now realizes...after years of me yelling, threatening and even trying calm communication.

I feel I know the answer to my questions but I cant help but feeling some sort of guilt and regret about my marriage ending.

 

[turnera]

I would suggest moving back to the city you want to be in and telling him if he really wants to be married, then he can move there too, and SHOW you - over a period of a year or so - that he has finally grown up and realized what matters. And that if he does that, you'll make a decision after that year.

 

[Unicus]

Cookie, yours is unfortunately a familiar story: The clash btwn fantasy and reality.

You met on vacation, he proposed on an exotic trip to Italy, and you proceeded with a "Long distance relationship"...whatever that is.

Then, you finally came together under the harsh light of actual reality and, away from the adrenaline rush of exotic vacations and the space to nurture those intense feelings, you find he's not what the situations made him out to be.

Sorry.

Your relationship (and subsequent marriage) were based on what you created in your head, rather than anything you actually built btwn you. He might seem like a little kid to you..maybe rightfully so, but so do you for jumping head first into the wishing well filled more with fantasy of your own creation rather than actual reality.

You'll make a more thoughtful choice next time.

 

[3Xnocharm]

I would suggest moving back to the city you want to be in and telling him if he really wants to be married, then he can move there too, and SHOW you - over a period of a year or so - that he has finally grown up and realized what matters. And that if he does that, you'll make a decision after that year.

I second this! Excellent advice, Turnera.

 

[knobcreek]

Sounds like he blew it.

But I can't give any advice you don't appear to want to be married to this guy at all, divorcing seems to be the rational option, you're both young and there's no children involved. He needs someone who likes to party and go out, you want more of a home-body who takes on the role of family man/care-taker. I don't think you're compatible.

A lot of women make the mistake that if they marry, this guy will miraculously change to what they want. And it's funny, the guys that do "grow up" and become the family man, provider, etc... are later cheated on by their wives, who cheat with a guy who likes to party. Mainly because the wife says she's bored and the husband is too predictable, and the new boyfriend takes her out and they go to bars, and party, and she feels young again.

Guys can't win for loosing today lol...

 

[cookie22]

Moving back to the city where I came from is not an option. I actually really love this city and have a great job here. We have agreed to separate the assets (in my favour) and I have no plans on moving back, Ive made a life here now whether he was the reason I came or not.

 

[Blossom Leigh]

Trust your gut and walk.

 

[cookie22]

Cookie, yours is unfortunately a familiar story: The clash btwn fantasy and reality.

You met on vacation, he proposed on an exotic trip to Italy, and you proceeded with a "Long distance relationship"...whatever that is.

Then, you finally came together under the harsh light of actual reality and, away from the adrenaline rush of exotic vacations and the space to nurture those intense feelings, you find he's not what the situations made him out to be.

Sorry.

Your relationship (and subsequent marriage) were based on what you created in your head, rather than anything you actually built btwn you. He might seem like a little kid to you..maybe rightfully so, but so do you for jumping head first into the wishing well filled more with fantasy of your own creation rather than actual reality.

You'll make a more thoughtful choice next time.

When I read this response I couldn't believe how much truth came through to me. Our relationship has been filled with trips, houses, materialistic things really that I think we used to avoid facing an actual relationship/compatibility. I know I always had these doubts in the back of my head but was easily distracted by other great things in my situation (money, trips, etc.) when it comes time to face eachother, its just not there.

 

[Blossom Leigh]

When I read this response I couldn't believe how much truth came through to me. Our relationship has been filled with trips, houses, materialistic things really that I think we used to avoid facing an actual relationship/compatibility. I know I always had these doubts in the back of my head but was easily distracted by other great things in my situation (money, trips, etc.) when it comes time to face eachother, its just not there.

Yea, don't even waste your time. Your counselor is right. You are already checked out fully.

 

[cookie22]

I think being alone is the hardest part of this process. Worrying I will never find someone else, someone else won't want me as much as he does and Im just throwing it all away..

 

[Unicus]

Cookie, your relationship and marriage were the epitome of "Alone". You'll be OK, really.

It's better to be alone than be in the wrong relationship. Learn from this, don't fear it.

Therapy?

 

[cookie22]

Cookie, your relationship and marriage were the epitome of "Alone". You'll be OK, really.

It's better to be alone than be in the wrong relationship. Learn from this, don't fear it.

Therapy?

He's convinced he can change and meet my emotional needs. I find this hard to believe and hard to even give a chance considering it has taken separation to get him to listen to me. I think I need to be alone, which is very hard for me, and focus on myself. Perhaps the future may hold us being together again one day but for now, it doesn't.

 

[cookie22]

He's convinced he can change and meet my emotional needs. I find this hard to believe and hard to even give a chance considering it has taken separation to get him to listen to me. I think I need to be alone, which is very hard for me, and focus on myself. Perhaps the future may hold us being together again one day but for now, it doesn't.

Yes I have been attending therapy and she is focusing on my coping with being alone, not jumping into another relationship etc. she actually really helps me but I can only see her once every 2 weeks because shes so expensive!

 

[Unicus]

Cookie, +1 for therapy.

This is a hard one, b/c the basis of your relationship wasn't something actually btwn the two of you, but rather something of your own creation. So, the idea that he can "Change" to meet your emotional needs misses the point: The difficulties you have aren't the result of something going from good to bad, rather, it's the result of it going from fantasy to reality. What you don't like isn't an accumulation of *Stuff* that is more amenable to change, but rather the absence of real attachment. I don't know how you can "learn" to love or be attracted to someone, it's either there or it's not, and in your case, it's not.

Your fear of loneliness/abandonment perhaps is the root of the problem here. It is so strong that you create what you need, and respond to that. If that's accurate, the best way to address that is by finding the roots of it thru therapy and not in "Relationships"....since they're merely distractions anyways.

Talk with your therapist about lowering her fee so you can come in weekly.