Time to pee on her. That gave me a chuckle.The problem I'm having is that I feel as if everyone in my wife's life feels at liberty to ask her out to things "as friends". She'll boo and hiss whenever I have reservations about it, and the subject itself has gotten heated.
It's always "just a friend", it's always "just the manager". She's yet to actually go to anything.
Me too... in our early days of dating, I had guys around me. I was somewhat flippant in attitude. We had the occasional heated discussion about this. I didn't actually go to anything but we were both trying to find our place and what it meant to be in the relationship. I had a lot to learn about myself (still so much more to go!), what that attention meant to me, and what it meant to receive his love. Ultimately what it meant to be vulnerable.Since many other here are giving examples from their own experience, or perspective, I will as well.
And, unfortunately, there are some men who will not be deterred when a woman says that she is taken... this guy may have continued to press you if hubs and buddy hadn't intervened. Another reason why strong boundaries are SO important--the type of guy who doesn't mind pursuing a partnered woman are the types that will take advantage when a woman is intoxicated, or worse.Me too... in our early days of dating, I had guys around me. I was somewhat flippant in attitude. We had the occasional heated discussion about this. I didn't actually go to anything but we were both trying to find our place and what it meant to be in the relationship. I had a lot to learn about myself (still so much more to go!), what that attention meant to me, and what it meant to receive his love. Ultimately what it meant to be vulnerable.
When hubs and I had been dating a few months, there was a guy that had been declaring his admiration for me and wanted to meet. We didn't know each other. Hubs made it clear to me that he wasn't cool with me meeting him - which I didn't. The fact that it was even a conversation, was a testament to my immaturity at the time and still learning my own boundaries. However instead... hubs had been out with his buddy when they coincidentally bumped into said guy. Hubs' buddy mentioned to me that I wouldn't be hearing from him again. He laughed and insinuated they had scared him off. I wasn't sure what to make of this. They were both a bit coy about it all. Years later, hubs and I were talking about that time. I asked him to be straight with me about what happened with that guy. He said he made it known that I was spoken for but they hadn't threatened him; his buddy was playing. And with a chuckle admitted the guy was buff and good-looking. We both had a laugh over this. It's more beneficial for her to realize that she has the opportunity for her to outgrow who she was, than for you to warn everyone off.
nope. PUAs look for rings. married women dont talk and dont go all fatal attraction for him. its the challenge to unseat committed women that gets his rocks off.. from what i hear, its seriously easy.Ciccone, I'm curious. Did you buy her a wedding/engagment ring? If she wears it, wouldn't that be enough to give guys a clue?
Also, a lot of people are saying you're allowing her to date (or is it hangout) with these other guys? Are you? I didn't see anywhere you specifically stated you allowed it, seems you are upset about her wanting to, though.
Lastly, if her last BF cheated on her, how is she still innocent and unassuming?
Condescend much?FeministInPink,
You just ain't met the right man yet and when you do, you'll drop the orbiters when you insist he drops his plates.
In the meantime, realise this is probably why you haven't connected with said man yet.
Well, hopefully, the female in question is smart enough to steer clear, to keep her man out of that kind of trouble. I would avoid that kind of guy like a plague. But I also would have no problem putting him in his place if he persisted. Hell, I might punch him myself.This is where guys nowadays are sort of handcuffed.
Pretty much ANY guy's reaction to that sort is to punch his lights out, but in these days and times what used to be "justifiable" is grounds for litigation....
I'm a rare bird. And I find that I encounter two types of men, as I'm looking to find my mate.There are the men who want to possess me, and cage me. And then there are the men who don't appreciate me, so they don't tend to me. I fly away from both. I've said before, and I'll say it again... it takes an exceptional man to get me to commit, but when I do, it's the real deal.The kind of woman men look for....their whole life!
Let me tell you right now, guys hang around for ONE reason. Repeat that in your head a 1000 times. No matter how much you want to believe otherwise.Condescend much?
This isn't my thread, and it's not about me... my friends aren't orbiters, they're FRIENDS. And that's it, end of story. And there are, like 2 or 3 of them. And one of them is gay. It isn't like I have a harem.
A man who tries to cut me out of my social circle and support network would be reviled on TAM as an emotional abuser. Is that what you're suggesting? That I go and find myself another emotionally abusive husband? No thanks.
I'm not giving up my friends, but my future long-term partner WILL be my priority, and he will have no doubt about that. He won't need to insist that I cut off my friends to soothe his ego.
OP, sorry for the hijack, but I really had to address that.
Sorry but I dont buy this crap. Are you telling us that as a man, you are incapable of a platonic friendship with someone because they have a vagina?? If so, then WTH is the matter with you? Is our vag the only redeeming quality we possess?? I have had MANY male friends over the years who actually respected me as a person and were NOT trying to get into my pants by being my friend. How insulting...Let me tell you right now, guys hang around for ONE reason. Repeat that in your head a 1000 times. No matter how much you want to believe otherwise.
And if not for you it's to latch on to your friends.
And guys know this. So if you like a guy and keep orbiters around we know the game and will react accordingly.
Trust me when I tell you that to us guys, if you keep them around, especially exes, you will sabatoge the relationship. From reading your posts, you want the single life and attention. Any guy that accepts your deal openly will be a player.
Just giving you true blue guys perspective. Orbiters are hoping for something, always.
Well, not all men, clearly, since jdawg2015 and TAM2013 think I'm a wh0re/affair waiting to happenAgain - what men look for their entire life.
Ok, what is your aversion to being public about being married and sharing some happy stuff with your friends online? :scratchhead: VERY weird. You dont have to gush like an idiot and go overboard, but put your damn status as married, if nothing else! Otherwise, your marriage looks shaky and fragile to someone looking to make moves on either one of you! Geez, post some pictures from a vacation, or make your profile pic one of the two of you together..make it LOOK like you are proud to be married to her!My wife and I have been married for a little less than a year now. I guess this is where the whole thing about having a private little ceremony with family backfires on me, because it really didn't become a public spectacle in any regard. Some friends on both sides, family, and the people at our office know, but without the massive wedding, the fancy photos, the save-the-date postcards, and the Facebook attention whoring, we usually have to tell people that we're married. Reunite with an old friend? "Hey, so I got married last year!". That kind of stuff.
The problem I'm having is that I feel as if everyone in my wife's life feels at liberty to ask her out to things "as friends". She'll boo and hiss whenever I have reservations about it, and the subject itself has gotten heated. It's one thing to meet for a coffee or something, and it's another thing to be asked to be someone's wedding date, or to go to the town fair/concert with another man for an entire night. In some instances, I can assume the guy just does not know, and innocently asks. If you were to make an assessment on us on Facebook, for example, you'd think we're just casual friends. We're not "married on Facebook", nor do we constantly interact, post pictures, tag outings, and that kind of stuff. Other people, like the manager at her office, do know that she's married, and will still ask her out to things.
You might think that I'm probably insecure, overprotective, or domineering (her favorite words), but there's a big difference between Mikey from down the street that you've known your whole life (for example), and Andy, who hasn't been subtle in professing his love for you in the past. As far as the manager goes, he's just old, creepy, and lonely. But in the Andy example, I just don't trust. Add to the fact that 3 beers in, and my wife is so drunk that you need subtitles to understand what she's saying, I feel like I'm not exactly in the greatest position to trust.
All of my married friends, regardless if I am friends with the husband or the wife first, are a package deal. Obviously, I can always find time alone with the husband, but I wouldn't dare to ask out the wife one-on-one, taking advantage of my "I'm married too" card. I've never had a problem with that, either. My wife will be so casual about being asked out, that she'll assume that I'll be so cool with it that she can just mention it because it's no big deal to me, and she's all but agreed to go. It's always "just a friend", it's always "just the manager". She's yet to actually go to anything. It's not that I have a problem trusting her, but one, I don't run an escort service, and two, I don't trust anyone around her when she's drunk.
I dated a girl once, much like her (in terms of the creepy beta friend and the low tolerance), and she had her little creepy guy friend that she always insisted was harmless and just a friend. One night, she went over to his place for a party, when she calls me crying later that night. He had gotten her drunk, she had passed out drunk, and when she came to, he was on top of her moments away from climax. That was her lovely, innocent, perfect little guy friend that she loved to defend so much. It was horrible, and had she not called the cops, I'm sure I would've killed him. I'll never relive that one again.
Now on my wife's side, she's probably pissed that her ex was a lot more liberal than I was, but that's because he was cheating on her the entire time. So all she gathered out of that was that he was cool to let her go out, go to weddings with the same friend, but not that he was doing so to get some alone time with his side chick. But enough about our pasts, the glaring difference here is that we're both married, and I'm having a hell of a hard time figuring out how to set my boundaries so that people don't feel so eager to approach my wife with this nonsense.
My wife is smart, she reads, and is good at her job... you know, that kind of stuff. But growing up, she was extremely sheltered, and henceforth, her mind is completely in 1985 mode. She truly believes in the good in people, meanwhile I'm definitely a lot more jaded, because I've been burnt badly, and I've heard the worst stories from my friends imaginable. Point I'm making is that she'll help a guy in a dark alley move a couch into his windowless van because he looks like he needs the help, whereas I've seen The Silence of the Lambs.
So what should I do? Start a smothering campaign on Facebook to say that I'm married? Post more pictures? Tag myself everywhere? Have her get a tattoo of my face on her forearm? Pee on her? I'm out of ideas. Help!
Jdawg, you know NOTHING about me. You've read, what? Four? Five posts that I've written? Yeah, you can learn EVERYTHING about me from a handful of posts on one thread.Let me tell you right now, guys hang around for ONE reason. Repeat that in your head a 1000 times. No matter how much you want to believe otherwise.
And if not for you it's to latch on to your friends.
And guys know this. So if you like a guy and keep orbiters around we know the game and will react accordingly.
Trust me when I tell you that to us guys, if you keep them around, especially exes, you will sabatoge the relationship. From reading your posts, you want the single life and attention. Any guy that accepts your deal openly will be a player.
Just giving you true blue guys perspective. Orbiters are hoping for something, always.
Sorry, but you're mistaken grossly in why guys remain friends with non family member females in the vast majority of cases.Jdawg, you know NOTHING about me. You've read, what? Four? Five posts that I've written? Yeah, you can learn EVERYTHING about me from a handful of posts on one thread.
Believe it or not, there ARE men in the world who aren't of the cro-magnon persuasion, and who are capable of having platonic friendships with women, because, as 3xnocharm said, they see women as more than just a vagina. They see an actual person. I am sure, as the Louis CK bit goes, they've pictured what it would be like to sleep with those women, but they don't have any interest in actually doing it.
My male friends have been carefully cultivated. I've had male "friends" before who made it known they were interested in something more, and when I say no, they've faded away. In one case, I had to cut out a "friend" who persisted. The ones I keep are platonic, pure and simple. There never has been, nor will there ever be, anything more than that.
The only exes I've kept as friends are the two who came out as gay after we broke up, so clearly there is no threat there to any man I date. And I have no interest in maintaining a friendship with a man I broke up with, because they always hope that I'll change my mind and take them back. I've seen that in the past, and I'm not stupid enough to maintain those connections.
They are not after my female friends, either. I have a few mutual (and peripheral) female friends with all my male friends; they have no need to maintain a friendship with me if they are after one of my female friends.
And as for me liking the attention and the single life? Let me tell you something. I'm an introvert. I'm a homebody. I don't go out and party and drink all the time. I go out once, maybe twice a week, and I might do an activity on the weekend. When I go out, it's to see my friends and to keep up with them, or to go to a play or do karaoke. The rest of the time, I stay home. I read, I write, I play the piano or my guitar. Play the occasional video game if I'm in the mood. Watch films and travel shows. And when I have the time and the money, I like to travel and see new places. That's what I DO. I'm not interested in attention. I don't need it. I have enough personal interests to keep me entertained, and enough self-esteem to not need the attention.
And... funny, but I don't recall this having ever been an issue with any guy I've dated in the past, or with my ex-husband. And I don't date players. (Well, there was that one guy, but he didn't know my "deal" until after we'd been out once or twice. Hmmm.) If you like, I can check with my last boyfriend and see if this was a problem for him... no wait, we talked about it, and it wasn't a problem for him, either. I did, of course, tell him whenever I was going to be out with one of my male friends, and exactly what we would be doing, because I respected him and didn't want there to be any secrets. Then again, he has a brain and had one or two platonic female friends of his own. Which also weren't a problem for me, because I trusted him and knew that if he wanted to hit that... he already would have.
I'm sorry that you've had such a BAD experience in your life that you automatically assume the worst of everyone. That's kind of a sad way to live.
Bold part. There are exceptions. Those exceptions aren't few and far between either.Sorry, but you're mistaken grossly in why guys remain friends with non family member females in the vast majority of cases.
Not bad experience. Just giving you a persepective that you can freely ignore. Keep the orbiters around at your own peril to every relationship you have. That you can take to the bank.
The issue with orbiters and "friends" is that those friends can cross over a line very quickly with too much time and contact.Bold part. There are exceptions. Those exceptions aren't few and far between either.
Thing is, men friendzone women just as frequently as women friendzone men. I understand the concept behind plate theory, and if that's you, then that's you. It has never been me. When I am dating, I am dating 1 woman at a time. That said, I do have female orbiters, and female friends (non-orbiters).