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Ok I'm looking to see if anyone else is in a similar situation. I've turned to the internet because I really do not have anyone in a 3rd party position that I can look to.

My new husband and I have been together for almost 6 years. We dated for 4, engaged for 1.5, and recently married in the past few weeks.

Sex was kind of like a taboo topic. It was discussed only a handful of times and the discussion was quickly terminated by him. The entire time prior to wedding, at his request, we abstained til marriage. I love him so much, that I was willing to meet this request for him. And I dont regret that. However, since weve been married, we still havent had sex. Ive tried to initiate it, but kissing is met with small packs on the lips, touching is brief and not sensual, but hardest of all is the rejection I feel. I dont have confidence and I'm more depressed and crying a few times a day especially after I try to turn him on and it goes no where.

I'm nervous (I have terrible anxiety and I'm fearing more rejection) and I'm having alot of trouble gaining courage to talk to him about how unhappy I am.

I know talking is probably the number one solution, but i want to see if anyone else has had this problem before and what all they have done to solve it.
 

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Well, I'm sure you're aware that this is not normal for newlyweds. Before you started abstaining in preparation for the wedding, how was your sex life? If everything was great before then and now it's not, something has happened to change him. I suspect though that things were not fine prior to stopping. He could have been using the upcoming wedding as an excuse to avoid sex with you.

The best way to figure this out is to talk to him about it. There are many reasons a man doesn't want sex including stress, low testosterone, an affair, too much masturbation/porn, performance fears, homosexuality, and more etc. You won't know unless he'll talk to you about it. If he wont' talk to you about it tell him it will seriously threaten your new marriage.

I'm sorry your marriage is starting out this way. I'm sure it hurts a lot. I urge you to figure it out now before you waste a lot more years on this man. I wasted 22 years with my husband and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
 

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Well, I'm sure you're aware that this is not normal for newlyweds. Before you started abstaining in preparation for the wedding, how was your sex life? If everything was great before then and now it's not, something has happened to change him. I suspect though that things were not fine prior to stopping. He could have been using the upcoming wedding as an excuse to avoid sex with you.

The best way to figure this out is to talk to him about it. There are many reasons a man doesn't want sex including stress, low testosterone, an affair, too much masturbation/porn, performance fears, homosexuality, and more etc. You won't know unless he'll talk to you about it. If he wont' talk to you about it tell him it will seriously threaten your new marriage.

I'm sorry your marriage is starting out this way. I'm sure it hurts a lot. I urge you to figure it out now before you waste a lot more years on this man. I wasted 22 years with my husband and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
Reading the OP I thought they'd never had sex, reading this you seem to think they had sex but stopped a while prior to the wedding. Only TS can tell us which is right.

So I have that one question, the rest of your post I agree with.
 

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He deceived you into marrying him. He is not interested in having sex. Both of these are reasons for an annulment. I am very sorry you are in this position and I can imagine you are heartbroken. This is not your fault. This is all on him. As a woman in my 50's, with lots of life experience, I can safely say that the issues you are facing are not yours to resolve. They are all on him. The fact that he is shutting you down when you try to talk to him is enough to go seek legal assistance and get an annulment immediately. Do not try to talk to him about it further. You are speaking to a brick wall and he doesn't care. Run.
 

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He may have sex abuse in his past, low testosterone, is gay, who knows.
None of which is your problem. If he doesn't want to address it, and you want to give him one more chance.
Talk to a lawyer, get the papers, and tell him you either start effing me like you mean it, or get the eff out.

Hand him the papers, and info on a counselor you have picked out. Tell him the time of the appointment.
Tell him, "We either are gonna talk about our sex life together with counselor, OR, I will talk to counselor by myself on moving on as a divorced person"

Don't waste any more time.
 

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Are either of you religious? What reason did he give for waiting for marriage?

On a scale of 1 to 10, how comfortable are you with confrontation? Would you describe yourself as more of a push-over, or strong-willed?
 

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Reading the OP I thought they'd never had sex, reading this you seem to think they had sex but stopped a while prior to the wedding. Only TS can tell us which is right.

So I have that one question, the rest of your post I agree with.
You’re right, I may have misinterpreted. If OP and her husband have never had sex I recommend a deep discussion with him. If he continues to avoid both the discussion and sex I recommend an annulment. Even my husband, who turned out to be gay/bi wanted lots of sex for the first 13 years we were together.

I feel for you OP. This will not be an easy problem for you to fix.
 

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I feel for you OP. This will not be an easy problem for you to fix.
She literally cannot fix it, because it is not her problem to fix. It is his problem and he has been hiding it all these years. Now he won't even talk about it. I don't see any point whatsoever in trying to discuss it further.

If you tell him he either has sex with you or it's over, he may try to placate you for a short while, but then not continue. That could rule out an annulment, which is much better than divorce. If he won't have sex with you, you don't need a divorce. You need an actual annulment.

A problem like this would likely take years to resolve and you wouldn't have anything to do with the resolution. This is something inside of him, not something you are doing or anything about you. Furthermore, maybe he doesn't think this is a problem that needs fixing. And maybe it's not. Some people don't have a sex drive and that is perfectly fine as long as they don't deceive someone into marrying and don't marry someone who doesn't feel the same way.

I cannot imagine being a young newlywed and my husband not wanting sex. It's beyond ridiculous for him to lead you to believe this would change after marriage, when he obviously knew full well that was not the case. It would be different if he had talked to you about this before marriage and you two agreed, but instead he lied to you.

How old are you @Newlywed2019?

I'm very sorry you are going through this. It must be heartbreaking. No wonder you are anxious. This isn't your fault. You need to get away from him, get some therapy to help you work through this, and move on with your life far away from this man.
 

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She literally cannot fix it, because it is not her problem to fix. It is his problem and he has been hiding it all these years. Now he won't even talk about it. I don't see any point whatsoever in trying to discuss it further.
You're absolutely right of course. I more meant not easy for her because she is so newly married so the idea of divorce would be very difficult. I can't imagine being married for only a few weeks and then facing the need for an annulment. It must be very overwhelming.

But, @Newlywed2019 now is the time to take action. You do not want to find yourself 20 years from now wishing you had taken your life back, believe me. BTDT didn't even get a mug and it's much worse situation to be in.
 

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My guess is he's either asexual or gay.

Neither one of these possibilities makes for an acceptable outcome (unless you're ok with being roommates).

Otherwise, I'd run so fast he'd have to FedEx my shadow to me the next day.
 

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You married a shell.

A hollow male apparition.
Yes, he looks presentable on the outside.

His brain is working....somewhat.

His penis is missing important circuitry.
It leaks water, does not pass the 'Semen', First Class, row the man in the boat, test.

Maybe he thinks his hand is the answer.

I suspect he is very handy around the house.
Especially, when he is alone dealing with that hard fact.





[THM]- King Brian
 

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This is the almost exact same scenario that I found myself in with my now ex-wife.

I did a lot of research on this and found that more than likely this sort of behavior is a manifestation of childhood sexual abuse. What happens is when you start getting more committed, getting closer in the form of an engagement and then marriage, this starts to feel more like and remind them of the closeness felt in a family situation. When the person that abused them was a family member, they subconsciously see you as the abuser and pull away. Not everyone that was abused follows this type of behavior but almost every scenario like this is the result of past abuse.
This was the most miserable seven years of my life and it’s easy to get strung along in this situation because they will “promise to do better”, they will start putting it on you to “make some changes”. The next thing you know you look up and time has gone by, time one can’t get back.

One piece of advice that I would give that I DID NOT follow was to set a very firm boundary in the form of time. If this isn’t better in six months (or whatever is appropriate for you) you need to be gone. No if‘s and‘s or but’s.

In a lot of states if six months has already gone by like in your case, that’s too late for an annulment.


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So sorry to hear what you're going through. I think you should come to terms with the fact that your relationship with this man will likely always be sexless. So maybe that means you divorce and be friends, or stay in a platonic marriage, or something else like that. It's certainly worth trying to fix things, but make sure you are not deluding yourself about the situation. Trying to fix it is like Sisyphus trying to roll the rock up the hill. It will be a continual struggle and his natural inclination will be to revert back to this platonic relationship. Don't spend your whole life trying to achieve something which is extremely unlikely to happen.
 

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Okay, so you’ve been with this man for 6 years, never really talked about sex, never had sex, and now you’re wondering why it’s not happening? Like, you haven’t had sex with him once?

Sex is a natural order of things once you’re in a committed relationship, unless religion/culture dictate that it’s not to be done prior to marriage. Is that the case here?

I’m sorry to say, but I feel like you’ve made your bed, and now you either get to put up with a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, or you get to divorce/annul and find someone else.

Could your husband be gay? Is he on the spectrum?
 

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Do not waste time exploring the reasons why your husband is this way. The reason doesn't matter. Don't be fooled into thinking that if you discover the reason, then you will also discover a solution for how to get him to behave differently. If he has deep seated psychological issues with sex (which we all can assure you - he does), it will likely take years of therapy for him to feel differently. If he ever does. Do not stick around for years waiting around to see if he will go to therapy, or take it seriously, or if it will work.

Do not treat him agreeing to see a therapist as a major victory and a sign of how much he loves you. Easy to start going, and then stop. Or go but never make any progress. Or make progress understanding WHY he hates he idea of sex but never get to a place where he stops hating the idea of sex.

You should leave now. If he wants to be in a sexual relationship with a woman, he can get started on the hard work. But you should not volunteer to be that woman. You should go find a man who wants to have sex with you NOW.

Remember, if you are asked to "wait until marriage" by a guy who actually has a sex drive and can tolerate sex once married, then you will come back from your honeymoon bow-legged, sore, and with a huge smile on your face. Any guy who waited until marriage and then did NOT hump like a bunny the entire honeymoon has very very deep seated problems with sex that you, as his wife, have almost zero ability to resolve for him.

Wishing you wise judgment and good luck.
 

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Adding second message to address a related but different topic. Is lack o sex sufficient reason to leave your spouse even if "everything else" is wonderful? Yes. It is. Period. Full stop.

If you have to pick one area to disagree on, sex is by far the WORST irreconcilable difference to have with your spouse. Because it is the only area where you pledged absolute fidelity. If you husband does not enjoy sushi or chick flicks or getting a facial, you can call up one of your girlfriends and go fulfill your need for those things without jeopardizing your marriage. But if you ask him for permission to "outsource" your need for sex, you are basically asking to break your marital vows.

And if you think you can go the rest of your life without sex, while staying married to this guy, without generating massive frustration, resentment and eventual hatred for your husband, then think again. You can't. No one who shows up here complaining about the lack of sex can do that. Oh yes, some of us have stayed without our low drive or asexual spouses for years or decades. But all of us are the worse for it. And every one of us would urge you not to join our "club". If you do, then you will end up hating yourself most of all.

Don't feel bad that you are getting such negative advice here. Rejoice that we are providing you with justification for doing what you know you should do. Have no regrets. Annulling your marriage is the biggest gift you will ever give yourself. Absolutely, positively for sure.
 
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