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Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone, I'm a first time poster on here and I'm writing this because I'm a wreck at the moment and need advice.

I've been with my wife for 11 years and married for 6. Ten days ago she walked out of the family home with our little 3-year-old girl and went to stay at her parents'. She told me that she needed "space" to think as she didn't know if she wanted to be with me any more.

Obviously I completely freaked out and begged her to stay, cried, everything, but she still left. It was like the woman I knew had died and in her place was some stone-cold emotionless robot when she was telling me all this.

After 4 days she called me to tell me that she'd had time to think and her feelings toward me hadn't changed - again I begged, cajoled, gave her some very good reasons not to do this, if only for the sake of our little one. Nothing.

I have taken full responsibility for my part in things going awry - we both work full time and haven't really had a great time over the last few years, I have also been suffering (I think) from mild depression which has affected my sex drive and general motivation. As a result, I didn't give either her or our daughter the time that I should have, which I am desperately sorry for. We've also had financial stresses and behavioural issues with our daughter to deal with.

She had a very brief emotional fling with someone at work about 18 months ago, which I found out about and also discovered through a reliable third party that she was gutted about it and remorseful (before I found out).

Unfortunately her parents are against me and are making it very comfortable for her.

I miss them both desperately and just want them back, but at the same time I'm starting to have feelings of hate for her for putting her feelings before our marriage and daughter, refusing to go to counselling with me to try and get us back on track, and putting me through hell.

I've been given full access to our daughter and have her overnight 1-2 times a week, but the handovers are brief and "us" isn't discussed.

Since reading on here about 180, I've (as of 5 days ago) stopped begging or even talking about our relationship. I'm trying to work on myself and am getting help for my depression, trying to keep myself going.

At 41 I'm scared of (and hate) being alone, I'm trying to hold back from contacting her except about our daughter but it's so hard and I'm so afraid.
 

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Lots of guys in their 30s and 40s suddenly find themselves wifeless, with limited access to their kids, and more often than not, we have to find somewhere else to live, usually a place not nearly as nice as the comfortable home we lived in before.

And we get through it. No matter how dark and deep the despair you're feeling at the moment.

And we're no better than you are. Think of it as an opportunity for positive change, if nothing else.

Good that you're getting help for your depression. That could be the root of the problem.

Oh, and expect her to request support from you sometime soon even if she doesn't file divorce papers right away. Be careful what you agree to, this can set a legal precedent.
 

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Your wife has had at least one inappropriate relationship that you know of and now she wants out

I'd be willing to bet that she's either at it again or contemplating it

Protect yourself. Take your name off any joint credit cards and take Hal the money on any joint accounts and place it in an account with just your name on it

Talk to a lawyer to find out what your rights are
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Your wife is a selfish cheater. She betrayed your marriage. She's a walkaway wife.

Many of us have been where you are. Your case is not unique. The following list was compiled for exactly the type of pain you're going through.

If you carefully follow it to the T and not backtrack, you're guaranteed to feel much stronger and happier than you feel today within just weeks. DON'T BACKTRACK.

Synthetic's 10 Commandments:

1. Read this link - Just Let Them Go

2. Follow the following rules: The 180 degree rules

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but sweat the pain of anxiety out. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night.

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thankyou for the advice everyone. I will try and take it and make regular updates on how things are "going".
 

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Man I'm going through some of what you are going through right now (minus the child). I haven't talked to her in about 2 weeks. No e-mails, no calls, nothing. I was good last week, but man I'm starting to miss her some this week. I blocked her on facebook (including her friends), but I'm getting the nerve to unblock just to see how she is. However, i know that will be the biggest mistake and probably put me back to square one if i see her with a guy. So I'm trying to hold strong and my friends are there for me.

Like you, her parents think she is the greatest thing ever and is blinded by some of the crap she did and i had to put up with. You know what? F them though. Sorry had to say that...
 

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Man I'm going through some of what you are going through right now (minus the child). I haven't talked to her in about 2 weeks. No e-mails, no calls, nothing. I was good last week, but man I'm starting to miss her some this week. I blocked her on facebook (including her friends), but I'm getting the nerve to unblock just to see how she is. However, i know that will be the biggest mistake and probably put me back to square one if i see her with a guy. So I'm trying to hold strong and my friends are there for me.

Like you, her parents think she is the greatest thing ever and is blinded by some of the crap she did and i had to put up with. You know what? F them though. Sorry had to say that...
Follow the 10 commandments and don't unblock her. Missing her is very normal. It doesn't mean you should act on it.
 

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Yeah synthetic i will not. Thought has crossed my mind every now and then, but i refuse to actually go through it.

Good thing is, i went through AR-15 rifle training for the past 3 days dealing with my job. I got to release some frustration out on the targets and it felt good :D
 

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Quick update.

She's filed for divorce despite me doing the 180, and of course was indeed cheating again, she's with someone else now.

F her, I will get through this somehow.
 

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Your wife is a selfish cheater. She betrayed your marriage. She's a walkaway wife.

Many of us have been where you are. Your case is not unique. The following list was compiled for exactly the type of pain you're going through.

If you carefully follow it to the T and not backtrack, you're guaranteed to feel much stronger and happier than you feel today within just weeks. DON'T BACKTRACK.

Synthetic's 10 Commandments:

1. Read this link - Just Let Them Go

2. Follow the following rules: The 180 degree rules

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but sweat the pain of anxiety out. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night.

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


If you really want to get through this read the above post and follow it to a T. It is gospel for people in your situation. I know from first hand experience!!:iagree::iagree:
 

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Quick update.

She's filed for divorce despite me doing the 180, and of course was indeed cheating again, she's with someone else now.

F her, I will get through this somehow.

I love you for this bro ! Great attitude !

Best way is GF in my opinion , go get your self an GF and you'll see !

Good luck and stay strong !
 

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How would using another person (said girlfriend) be the best option for recovery?

Fail in love again ! Also the other person will take all your attention and you'll quickly realize there are people out there that love you, appreciate you and respect you !
You may wonder - why did I waste me time with this [ beep ] spouse !

This is my opinion only !
 

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Fail in love again ! Also the other person will take all your attention and you'll quickly realize there are people out there that love you, appreciate you and respect you !
You may wonder - why did I waste me time with this [ beep ] spouse !

This is my opinion only !
You are entitled to your opinion.

I do not agree though.

What you are saying is that by placing your self worth in the hands of another, you will be 'okay'.

Until of course, the other person gets sick and tired of having to prop you up.

Coming to the realization that those around you do in fact love you and care about you is a great feeling.

It's an even better feeling when you can be yourself and don't need to seek it out.
 

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What about having fun then ? Just f#@k buddies ? Just to take your attention away , away of the pain ?

It is my opinion . Period . I don't ask anyone to do it , just saying what I think it is good !
 

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What about having fun then ? Just f#@k buddies ? Just to take your attention away , away of the pain ?

It is my opinion . Period . I don't ask anyone to do it , just saying what I think it is good !
You can live your life however you please.

By all means.

Your signature alone shows that it will one day catch up to you.

Or you will never 'get' it.
 

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You can live your life however you please.

By all means.

Your signature alone shows that it will one day catch up to you.

Or you will never 'get' it.

I'm not really sure what do you want from me !

You don't like my opinions ? I'm sorry you don't like it !
 

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I think he's saying your hearts in the right place, but waht you're suggesting isn't good for the long run.

Strip bars maybe. I wouldn't suggest grabbing another girl just on a whim. To me? That sounds like a player. And / Or a crutcher. Meaning needing someone to temporarily replace what you lost, which is what he's directing against. This kind of "rebound relationship" is usually disastrous, at least for the OP.

You... no.. WE should all be ok with OURSELVES first, THEN let the tides settle, THEN go find someone else. Go have fun, sure, me? No F. Buddies.. .tho sounds great and all, but I agree, not what someone needs. Although I bet it would help... at most for a short period. But back to square one in 2 days.
 

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I think he's saying your hearts in the right place, but waht you're suggesting isn't good for the long run.

Strip bars maybe. I wouldn't suggest grabbing another girl just on a whim. To me? That sounds like a player. And / Or a crutcher. Meaning needing someone to temporarily replace what you lost, which is what he's directing against. This kind of "rebound relationship" is usually disastrous, at least for the OP.

You... no.. WE should all be ok with OURSELVES first, THEN let the tides settle, THEN go find someone else. Go have fun, sure, me? No F. Buddies.. .tho sounds great and all, but I agree, not what someone needs. Although I bet it would help... at most for a short period. But back to square one in 2 days.
^This. As great as it seems at the time, you'll find out how not ok you are in no time.

Gotta get yourself right first.
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