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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Newly married. Going on a year, we’ve been together in total about 3 years. My wife’s currently pregnant but I can’t blame it all on hormones… but whenever we argue, past or present . She somehow slips in we’re not gonna last and wants a divorce. Mind you when it’s good…. It’s GREAT. But when it’s bad. It’s ****ing horrible. She’s all lovey dovey and extra as hell with it. I wonder at times if it’s a smokescreen… because if she loved me like she says, why would she bring this up everytime. The argument could be small, she’ll find a way to say super hurtful things. Almost never about why we started arguing in the first place.

I say my fair share, but that’s something I just don’t want to speak over us… as a bit of back story, I’ve had issues with her male friends. When we had an argument she started talking back to someone she messed around with. About meeting up and a lot of suggestive stuff…. I saw the texts and confronted her. She did the typical “if you don’t trust me why be with me” and that’s invasion of privacy… her friend is really pushing for them to get together, and have us separate… to my knowledge I’m not sure what’s going on. Idk if she’s waiting until the baby gets here or what….
 

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That's just wrong, it erodes trust. You should say as much and tell her you want marriage counseling.

She sounds awful by the way. Maybe you should take her up on he offer. Somehow I don't think this guy is gonna want to take in a women and a new born baby.

I would even consider DNA testing the baby on the sly after it's born.
 

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Tell her exactly what you told us. Sit her down and have a meeting with her.

Explain the impact it is having on your marriage

1. the erosion of trust
2. the next times she mentions the words divorce, you are taking her at her word and will see a lawyer
3. Her friend can have her as you are not interested in a woman who has no respect for you

Then follow through
 

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No married person, has any business catching up with old lovers. For any reason. It's just not on. Its also perfectly acceptable to look at or use your spouses phone and not an invasion of privacy. I couldn't care less if my husband picked up and used my phone, guess why...because there's nothing in there that he can't see.

How old are you? She sounds very young.
 

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She sounds very defensive about her interpretation of what she considers her boundaries with male friends...I would make it straight to the point that any cheating emotional or physical is grounds for divorce and asking with she be fine if you continued to speak in exactly the same manner with your ex’s....honestly I think both of you need couple counseling on sorting a lot of underlying issues...
 

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Newly married. Going on a year, we’ve been together in total about 3 years. My wife’s currently pregnant but I can’t blame it all on hormones… but whenever we argue, past or present . She somehow slips in we’re not gonna last and wants a divorce. Mind you when it’s good…. It’s GREAT. But when it’s bad. It’s ****ing horrible. She’s all lovey dovey and extra as hell with it. I wonder at times if it’s a smokescreen… because if she loved me like she says, why would she bring this up everytime. The argument could be small, she’ll find a way to say super hurtful things. Almost never about why we started arguing in the first place.

I say my fair share, but that’s something I just don’t want to speak over us… as a bit of back story, I’ve had issues with her male friends. When we had an argument she started talking back to someone she messed around with. About meeting up and a lot of suggestive stuff…. I saw the texts and confronted her. She did the typical “if you don’t trust me why be with me” and that’s invasion of privacy… her friend is really pushing for them to get together, and have us separate… to my knowledge I’m not sure what’s going on. Idk if she’s waiting until the baby gets here or what….
Did she grow up in a chaotic home? ie. Abusive (verbally/physically)?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Did she grow up in a chaotic home? ie. Abusive (verbally/physically)?
She did. And Almost all of her exes were abusive either emotionally or physically. The guy I’ve seen her talking to isn’t an ex they weren’t officially in a relationship, but we told me they had sex before in the past.... That's the problem I have... I don't speak with anyone I had sexual encounters outside of small talk. To them my marriage is solid and I'm fine without them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
She sounds very defensive about her interpretation of what she considers her boundaries with male friends...I would make it straight to the point that any cheating emotional or physical is grounds for divorce and asking with she be fine if you continued to speak in exactly the same manner with your ex’s....honestly I think both of you need couple counseling on sorting a lot of underlying issues...
And that's the thing… she saw me talk to my old high school gf from over 12 years ago and she got weird about it. Mind you my ex and I live in two different countries and we were catching up on fb because she had a baby. No flirting, no wishing to go back. Just small talk. Whereas my wife’s talking to someone who lives in this state, and has tried to schedule secret meetings with….
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
No married person, has any business catching up with old lovers. For any reason. It's just not on. Its also perfectly acceptable to look at or use your spouses phone and not an invasion of privacy. I couldn't care less if my husband picked up and used my phone, guess why...because there's nothing in there that he can't see.

How old are you? She sounds very young.
We’re both young. I’m 25 (about to be 26) and she’s 27. Despite this, I’ve been the most stable relationship she’s ever been in…at least that’s what she says to me.. one that isn’t abusive. However she throws that out the door whenever we argue, and I become this monster.
 

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She did. And Almost all of her exes were abusive either emotionally or physically. The guy I’ve seen her talking to isn’t an ex they weren’t officially in a relationship, but we told me they had sex before in the past.... That's the problem I have... I don't speak with anyone I had sexual encounters outside of small talk. To them my marriage is solid and I'm fine without them.
Ok, I thought so. That's why she's threatening divorce. She most likely doesn't mean it, but that's her defense mechanism. I guess after going through all that she did, her mind can only take so much, and she looks for an outlet, that's her outlet.
One suggestion is to really not argue with her too much, or just be very calm and patient. If a person with her issue gets too overwhelmed, that's when the "we're going to get divorced" will come out.

I am also guessing she has never gone to a psychologist? Seeing one would work her and your relationship wonders.
 

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I’ve had issues with her male friends. When we had an argument she started talking back to someone she messed around with. About meeting up and a lot of suggestive stuff…. I saw the texts and confronted her. She did the typical “if you don’t trust me why be with me” and that’s invasion of privacy… her friend is really pushing for them to get together, and have us separate… to my knowledge I’m not sure what’s going on.
So, basically, she was having at least an emotional affair, you caught her, and she turned it around on you, which you allowed.

Hint: She has had inappropriate conversations with another man she'd had a previous sexual relationship with. She isn't trustworthy.

When she gets emo and accuses you of not trusting her the proper response is "Of course I don't trust you! You behaved inappropriately with another man while married."

When she hits on "then why be with me" the proper response is "Why are you with me when you clearly have at least one other man you're involved with?"

And the proper response to the friend is "Your "friend" is poison. She's a viper whispering in your ear and I think it's time you stand up for our marriage and stop associating with her."

You also might want to point out that women with newborns aren't exactly hot on the dating market and bills are a thing, so she might want to think real careful about how she behaves from here on out. Otherwise, Mr Online Romance and Friend better be willing to take her on personally and financially. Child support doesn't cover all the bills.

I don't care what her past is. She is a wife and mother. She needs to sort her **** and start acting like it. Time to grow the hell up.
 

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So, basically, she was having at least an emotional affair, you caught her, and she turned it around on you, which you allowed.

Hint: She has had inappropriate conversations with another man she'd had a previous sexual relationship with. She isn't trustworthy.

When she gets emo and accuses you of not trusting her the proper response is "Of course I don't trust you! You behaved inappropriately with another man while married."

When she hits on "then why be with me" the proper response is "Why are you with me when you clearly have at least one other man you're involved with?"

And the proper response to the friend is "Your "friend" is poison. She's a viper whispering in your ear and I think it's time you stand up for our marriage and stop associating with her."

You also might want to point out that women with newborns aren't exactly hot on the dating market and bills are a thing, so she might want to think real careful about how she behaves from here on out. Otherwise, Mr Online Romance and Friend better be willing to take her on personally and financially. Child support doesn't cover all the bills.
Oh wow, I missed the emotional affair part.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Ok, I thought so. That's why she's threatening divorce. She most likely doesn't mean it, but that's her defense mechanism. I guess after going through all that she did, her mind can only take so much, and she looks for an outlet, that's her outlet.
One suggestion is to really not argue with her too much, or just be very calm and patient. If a person with her issue gets too overwhelmed, that's when the "we're going to get divorced" will come out.

I am also guessing she has never gone to a psychologist? Seeing one would work her and your relationship wonders.
She keeps saying that she will, but no follow through. I’ve did therapy because I constantly felt like I was the problem. I have to own up to my own ****, but I feel like she’s unwilling to own up to hers…
 

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Newly married. Going on a year, we’ve been together in total about 3 years. My wife’s currently pregnant but I can’t blame it all on hormones… but whenever we argue, past or present . She somehow slips in we’re not gonna last and wants a divorce. Mind you when it’s good…. It’s GREAT. But when it’s bad. It’s ****ing horrible. She’s all lovey dovey and extra as hell with it. I wonder at times if it’s a smokescreen… because if she loved me like she says, why would she bring this up everytime. The argument could be small, she’ll find a way to say super hurtful things. Almost never about why we started arguing in the first place.

I say my fair share, but that’s something I just don’t want to speak over us… as a bit of back story, I’ve had issues with her male friends. When we had an argument she started talking back to someone she messed around with. About meeting up and a lot of suggestive stuff…. I saw the texts and confronted her. She did the typical “if you don’t trust me why be with me” and that’s invasion of privacy… her friend is really pushing for them to get together, and have us separate… to my knowledge I’m not sure what’s going on. Idk if she’s waiting until the baby gets here or what….
I’d agree with her. Sounds like you married a teenager.

You don’t know what’s going on? She’s plainly told you and you’ve seen it with you’re own eyes.

Let her go. You shouldn’t have married her.
 

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Did she grow up in a chaotic home? ie. Abusive (verbally/physically)?
I think the root of their issues stems from this. She sounds borderline disorder of some sort. The unstableness she has created is a clear indicator of a damaged and abusive person.

You picked an unstable woman to marry. I'm sorry but she will keep getting worse. The pregnancy doesn't help her unstableness. She will bolt from the marriage because she is very emotionally unstable. That is why she flies off the handle and threatens divorce in any ridiculous argument. These type of people thrive in chaos and destroy their prey. That is what you are. Her victim. These folks are incapable of love. They use and abuse their partners.

The lovey dovey and then it's over chaos part is a common pattern in personality disorders. You can't stay with folks like this. They will turn your life into a living hell.

If the baby is yours, try to get as much custody as you can. These individuals are terrible parents. She will be a horrible mother. She shouldn't have children. These folks are toxic. Most never get better or seek help.
 

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I think the root of their issues stems from this. She sounds borderline disorder of some sort. The unstableness she has created is a clear indicator of a damaged and abusive person.

You picked an unstable woman to marry. I'm sorry but she will keep getting worse. The pregnancy doesn't help her unstableness. She will bolt from the marriage because she is very emotionally unstable. That is why she flies off the handle and threatens divorce in any ridiculous argument. These type of people thrive in chaos and destroy their prey. That is what you are. Her victim. These folks are incapable of love. They use and abuse their partners.

The lovey dovey and then it's over chaos part is a common pattern in personality disorders. You can't stay with folks like this. They will turn your life into a living hell.

If the baby is yours, try to get as much custody as you can. These individuals are terrible parents. She will be a horrible mother. She shouldn't have children. These folks are toxic. Most never get better or seek help.
She is unstable, but I don't personally think it's a deal breaker. It is fixable with therapy. The other issue, about the EA, that's a whole other story.
 

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She keeps saying that she will, but no follow through. I’ve did therapy because I constantly felt like I was the problem. I have to own up to my own ****, but I feel like she’s unwilling to own up to hers…
Yeap. She will drive you crazy because it is all your fault.

I lived this. I tolerated 5 years of this. It kept getting worse, and I was completely confused, miserable, and destabilized until I read up borderline personality disorder.

They hook you with the lovey dovey lie. They tear you down with the chaos and blame shifting. They blame you for their crap. They are very good at not owning up and turning the tables on you. It used to make my head spin in disbelief. Then came the lovey dovey crap again. It's crazy because they ARE crazy/ unstable.
 

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IMO there's more going on than just her extreme reaction (threatening to divorce) to disagreements.

Marriage is not the same as being single. There're trade offs required (including who we're friends with) in order to 'protect' the marriage.

Studies show that texting has the same emotional impact as face to face conversations. Texting impacts a person's behavior. Therefore, who and what she's texting about is a big deal.

I suggest you both read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass. It's an easy and short read available online used for $1.95. It's based on research of couples (good people that didn't intend to cheat) that experienced infidelity. IMO it should be required reading for all couples.

Boundaries/limits on our behavior recognize that humans are programmed genetically to bond emotionally as well as physically with others. Therefore, feeling safe from infidelity requires more than just 'trust' - but seeing your spouse apply appropriate boundaries/limits that protect the marriage.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has a related obligation to protect the marriage by avoiding suspicious, secret, or other behavior/social contacts that undermine the marriage.

Contact with an other man (ex or not) that is interested in her romantically and encouraging her to cheat is a big fail. She should have shut down this guy immediately. The consequence of her allowing this 'friendship' to become romantic/sexual (over stepping boundaries that protect the marriage) is 100% zero contact forever.

Finally, after reading the book, you need to inform her that certain boundaries are not negotiable (bluff if you have to). In order for her to take you seriously, she needs to believe that you will divorce her rather than tolerate a life partner that risks her marriage or makes you feel unsafe.

I'm not suggesting you ambush her or raise your voice and get in her face. But you need to draw a line - and it starts with zero contact with that guy.

After reading the book, consider writing her a letter expressing your position (including your comittment to her and marriage). It gives her a chance to think before responding.
 

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She is unstable, but I don't personally think it's a deal breaker. It is fixable with therapy. The other issue, about the EA, that's a whole other story.
There lies the problem, the majority refuse help because they don't accept there is something wrong with them. MC won't work. They feel threatened when exposed and they will turn nasty. I tried that. It was another eye opener for me. He was not fixable. He was never marriage material.

She showed him her true colors early on in their relationship. He simply ignored the red flags. Most of us that fall for these type of people dismiss this because of their loving behavior towards us when they want to hook us.
 

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There lies the problem, the majority refuse help because they don't accept there is something wrong with them. MC won't work. They feel threatened when exposed and they will turn nasty. I tried that. It was another eye opener for me. He was not fixable. He was never marriage material.

She showed him her true colors early on in their relationship. He simply ignored the red flags. Most of us that fall for these type of people dismiss this because of their loving behavior towards us when they want to hook us.
Oh yeah..100% you're right. We ignore the red flags because we don't have confidence in ourselves and don't know how to set boundaries. Huge issue in society. I don't think they need MC, I think she needs IC. But, as with many, she is unwilling to go.
 
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