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Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We’ve been together a little over two, but also dated when we were younger. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better marriage. He is my best friend, I admire him and am so attracted to him. He’s truly one of the best people I have ever known. We have a true, deep bond. Very much in love. There’s only one issue. Our sex life is... well, terrible. Not for him, but for me. He’s completely satisfied with it. I, however, am not. My sex drive is significantly higher than his. His idea of a satisfying sex life is sex 2 or 3 times a month, always in the same position, absolutely zero foreplay or kissing, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it lasts less than a minute from start to finish. He has been open with me that he has been insecure in the past about the fact that he can’t last long, but that he truly can’t help it. So- as far as my sexual desires go... I like passion, foreplay, different positions, making out, touching... I’m not one to want it to go on all night, but a good 10-15 minute session is satisfying for me. And we always have sex in the same place- the bed. Never anywhere adventurous, or even anywhere else in the house. I’ve tried to suggest different things we could try doing to each other to spice it up, but he says that all he desires is my vagina. Also, we can only have sex in the morning when he naturally wakes up with an erection. Otherwise, he has trouble getting it up because he doesn’t like foreplay. we have had many discussions about this and it’s always the same response. This is just who he is, he’s never had a high sex drive or desire to do anything other than have an orgasm and be done. I need to make love, passionately, big orgasm kinda love. Any advice?
 

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Tell him he can't take his pants off until you have had some satisfaction.

Then at the start you tell him what you want. Take control and then reward him.

You come and cum first.
 

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Well it sounds like you love the guy and you really want him to make more of an effort. Has he told you why he doesn't like foreplay? I don't know how old your husband is, but as I have gotten older I have found that if I am the one that initiates I get erect really quickly, like honestly I am probably already there when I initiate. But when I am not the one that initiates and I am just sitting on my couch eating popcorn and not expecting to have sex, it can take a few minutes to get my head into that space, and foreplay is a great way to do that.

I do have one suggestion that might help you. When I first got divorced the one thing I noticed was that quite a few of the men that were over 40 were taking testosterone shots or using the gel. I get the feeling that many of them found themselves with girlfriends that they couldn't keep up with LoL. In fact a LOT of us plus 40 guys do it, but we aren't going to admit to it. I guess its kind of like botox or cosmetic procedures for woman I guess. Granted this is prescription based, and obviously something to be discussed with a doctor. With that said the shots or the gel should fix the erection and the libido issues. If he were to just take Viagra or Cialis for erections, that wouldn't fix his libido. With that said not everyone wants to do hormone therapy, and its not without risk.

With that said if he was always this way it may just be who he is, for some couples 2 to 3 times a month is just fine, also if he never liked foreplay, and he wasn't up for spicing things up when he was younger, I fear that this won't change anything for you guys. I started out recommending hormones, but before you do that try to have a serious conversation and let him know how important it is to you. See how he responds to that. He might just surprise you and step it up.
 

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Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We’ve been together a little over two, but also dated when we were younger. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better marriage. He is my best friend, I admire him and am so attracted to him. He’s truly one of the best people I have ever known. We have a true, deep bond. Very much in love. There’s only one issue. Our sex life is... well, terrible. Not for him, but for me. He’s completely satisfied with it. I, however, am not. My sex drive is significantly higher than his. His idea of a satisfying sex life is sex 2 or 3 times a month, always in the same position, absolutely zero foreplay or kissing, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it lasts less than a minute from start to finish. He has been open with me that he has been insecure in the past about the fact that he can’t last long, but that he truly can’t help it. So- as far as my sexual desires go... I like passion, foreplay, different positions, making out, touching... I’m not one to want it to go on all night, but a good 10-15 minute session is satisfying for me. And we always have sex in the same place- the bed. Never anywhere adventurous, or even anywhere else in the house. I’ve tried to suggest different things we could try doing to each other to spice it up, but he says that all he desires is my vagina. Also, we can only have sex in the morning when he naturally wakes up with an erection. Otherwise, he has trouble getting it up because he doesn’t like foreplay. we have had many discussions about this and it’s always the same response. This is just who he is, he’s never had a high sex drive or desire to do anything other than have an orgasm and be done. I need to make love, passionately, big orgasm kinda love. Any advice?
Hmmm,
If you love each other it sounds like just a nice, open conversation stating you have these needs and ask him to help you fulfill them and how much you'd love it...some talk and compromise would solve this.
Are you assertive?
Just you being assertive and "taking" or "going after" what you want could help.
If you want sex just nuzzle up to him, start letting your hands wander, start kissing his neck, kissing him everywhere and going after what you want.
Is he the type that pushes you away and says...not now?
My wife has never actually turned me down. We don't "talk" about sex times or "plan" anything I just start touching her and holding her and caressing and kissing and the breathing quickens and we just start up. She never says "no".
Unless he says "no" you should just be able to start getting frisky when in the mood. Also, just start doing new positions in the moment. Take charge more and go after what you want in bed.
 

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Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We’ve been together a little over two, but also dated when we were younger. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better marriage. He is my best friend, I admire him and am so attracted to him. He’s truly one of the best people I have ever known. We have a true, deep bond. Very much in love. There’s only one issue. Our sex life is... well, terrible. Not for him, but for me. He’s completely satisfied with it. I, however, am not. My sex drive is significantly higher than his. His idea of a satisfying sex life is sex 2 or 3 times a month, always in the same position, absolutely zero foreplay or kissing, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it lasts less than a minute from start to finish. He has been open with me that he has been insecure in the past about the fact that he can’t last long, but that he truly can’t help it. So- as far as my sexual desires go... I like passion, foreplay, different positions, making out, touching... I’m not one to want it to go on all night, but a good 10-15 minute session is satisfying for me. And we always have sex in the same place- the bed. Never anywhere adventurous, or even anywhere else in the house. I’ve tried to suggest different things we could try doing to each other to spice it up, but he says that all he desires is my vagina. Also, we can only have sex in the morning when he naturally wakes up with an erection. Otherwise, he has trouble getting it up because he doesn’t like foreplay. we have had many discussions about this and it’s always the same response. This is just who he is, he’s never had a high sex drive or desire to do anything other than have an orgasm and be done. I need to make love, passionately, big orgasm kinda love. Any advice?
How old are the two of you?

Did you have a sex life with him before you married him? Did you know about this?

There is a chance that the he has low testosterone levels. Have you addressed this with him.
 

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So to answer all of your questions, he is 35. He has stated many times that he has low testosterone. But he’s never tried to get any help with it because she doesn’t see a problem with the amount we have sex. Yes, I have tried to come on to him and start pleasuring him trying to turn him on, and typically he says he’s too tired or not in the mood. And to answer the question of why I married him- because I love him. He is my absolute soul mate. I would’ve married him even if I knew we could never have sex at all. I married the person, not the penis. And while I realize sex is part of marriage, the intimacy we have between us non-sex wise is amazing. I was just curious if anyone has experienced this issue and had any success resolving it I’m not saying we have NEVER had good sex, it just hasn’t been frequent at all. I feel as if he is very shy and lacks confidence in the bedroom as well.
 

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So to answer all of your questions, he is 35. He has stated many times that he has low testosterone. But he’s never tried to get any help with it because she doesn’t see a problem with the amount we have sex. Yes, I have tried to come on to him and start pleasuring him trying to turn him on, and typically he says he’s too tired or not in the mood. And to answer the question of why I married him- because I love him. He is my absolute soul mate. I would’ve married him even if I knew we could never have sex at all. I married the person, not the penis. And while I realize sex is part of marriage, the intimacy we have between us non-sex wise is amazing. I was just curious if anyone has experienced this issue and had any success resolving it I’m not saying we have NEVER had good sex, it just hasn’t been frequent at all. I feel as if he is very shy and lacks confidence in the bedroom as well.
He says that he has low T. Did he get tested? What has his doctor told him? Low T affects more than just sex drive.

Is he depressed?

There are two different issues that I see. 1) he has a low sex drive and low ED. 2) He does not seem to give a hoot about whether or not you are satisfied sexually. This means that he's self centered.

One of the problems that happens in a marriage that has little to no sex is that there is a very high chance that it will be a major factor to your bond to each other to decline to the point of no longer existing. It seems that biologically there is a reason for sex in marriage. Most animals only have sex when the female is fertile. In humans it's different. Ongoing sex in a human relationship serves to keep the couple bonded and "in-love". During sex feel-good the body produces and uptakes large quantities of hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. That's what causes the 'in-love' feelings. Without this the bond slowly wastes away. Basically, chance of your marriage falling apart is very high.

You might want to consider asking him to try to take supplemental T. And also to go to marriage counseling with someone who is a sex therapist.

You might have married a guy who is basically asexual. But at this point you don't know why he's basically nonsexual.

Also, does he watch a lot of porn online?
 

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Wow, OP, I could have written your post myself. I was married to someone with PE for 25 years. He had a high drive but he would finish before I could even get started, usually about 30 seconds. He would have had sex every day multiple times a day. He was more adventurous than your husband as well. For the first 10-15 years I told myself I could hang in there because I loved him and the person would always be more important than the sex. It took me years to see that I was lying to myself.

This is no small issue and if it isn’t addressed it will snowball. You‘ll reach the point where you give up on sex entirely. He needs to get checked and treated for that low testosterone and put some effort into this, for you. This is a huge issue and he needs to see that.
 

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So to answer all of your questions, he is 35. He has stated many times that he has low testosterone. But he’s never tried to get any help with it because she doesn’t see a problem with the amount we have sex. Yes, I have tried to come on to him and start pleasuring him trying to turn him on, and typically he says he’s too tired or not in the mood. And to answer the question of why I married him- because I love him. He is my absolute soul mate. I would’ve married him even if I knew we could never have sex at all. I married the person, not the penis. And while I realize sex is part of marriage, the intimacy we have between us non-sex wise is amazing. I was just curious if anyone has experienced this issue and had any success resolving it I’m not saying we have NEVER had good sex, it just hasn’t been frequent at all. I feel as if he is very shy and lacks confidence in the bedroom as well.
I have a friend who's husband also doesn't inititate much sex, and has low testosterone. They use toys in the bedroom to get her aroused and even to the point of orgasm before having sex. She still feels bad that he doesnt want it as often, but at least he's very accomodating when they do have sex. Honestly, I read this as him being just a little selfish in the bedroom. He may not enjoy foreplay or different positions, but you do, so he should make some efforts to do what YOU want.
 

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He says that he has low T. Did he get tested? What has his doctor told him? Low T affects more than just sex drive.

Is he depressed?

There are two different issues that I see. 1) he has a low sex drive and low ED. 2) He does not seem to give a hoot about whether or not you are satisfied sexually. This means that he's self centered.

One of the problems that happens in a marriage that has little to no sex is that there is a very high chance that it will be a major factor to your bond to each other to decline to the point of no longer existing. It seems that biologically there is a reason for sex in marriage. Most animals only have sex when the female is fertile. In humans it's different. Ongoing sex in a human relationship serves to keep the couple bonded and "in-love". During sex feel-good the body produces and uptakes large quantities of hormones like dopamine and oxytocin. That's what causes the 'in-love' feelings. Without this the bond slowly wastes away. Basically, chance of your marriage falling apart is very high.

You might want to consider asking him to try to take supplemental T. And also to go to marriage counseling with someone who is a sex therapist.

You might have married a guy who is basically asexual. But at this point you don't know why he's basically nonsexual.

Also, does he watch a lot of porn online?
Nope, no porn. And he refuses to see a doctor as he has no insurance.
 

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he has been insecure in the past about the fact that he can’t last long, but that he truly can’t help it.
This can be quite a clue. His insecurity about being a premature ejaculator can, over time, cause him to "lose interest" in sex, in order to avoid the self-recrimination and emotional pain which results from failing to have satisfactory sex.
 

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Hi there. Thank you for taking the time to read my post. My husband and I have been married a little over a year. We’ve been together a little over two, but also dated when we were younger. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better marriage. He is my best friend, I admire him and am so attracted to him. He’s truly one of the best people I have ever known. We have a true, deep bond. Very much in love. There’s only one issue. Our sex life is... well, terrible. Not for him, but for me. He’s completely satisfied with it. I, however, am not. My sex drive is significantly higher than his. His idea of a satisfying sex life is sex 2 or 3 times a month, always in the same position, absolutely zero foreplay or kissing, and I am not exaggerating when I say that it lasts less than a minute from start to finish. He has been open with me that he has been insecure in the past about the fact that he can’t last long, but that he truly can’t help it. So- as far as my sexual desires go... I like passion, foreplay, different positions, making out, touching... I’m not one to want it to go on all night, but a good 10-15 minute session is satisfying for me. And we always have sex in the same place- the bed. Never anywhere adventurous, or even anywhere else in the house. I’ve tried to suggest different things we could try doing to each other to spice it up, but he says that all he desires is my vagina. Also, we can only have sex in the morning when he naturally wakes up with an erection. Otherwise, he has trouble getting it up because he doesn’t like foreplay. we have had many discussions about this and it’s always the same response. This is just who he is, he’s never had a high sex drive or desire to do anything other than have an orgasm and be done. I need to make love, passionately, big orgasm kinda love. Any advice?
In my early 20s there were times when finishing too fast was something that happened but wasn't really a problem as such. My SO knew that the first time was just a warm up and when we had sex in a half an hour it would be closer to your ideal range (or longer). She also knew that she was going to get hers orally either in between or before I got undressed. Whether he really wants to have sex more than a couple times a month is only relevant if he is unwilling to satisfy you in other ways. If he doesn't want to address his own medical problems (and it is a problem), he can at least address your dissatisfaction in the bedroom.

In all seriousness, getting his T checked at the doctor is much cheaper than a divorce insurance or not.

I guess there are a few options. 1. He can get his Testosterone fixed which might fix the sex problem but, if he's already not concerned about meeting your needs, I'm not sure that getting that fixed will necessarily help really. 2. He could try to meet your needs in other ways but you've already said that he isn't interested in those kinds of things and isn't willing to accommodate you. 3. You can become a near celibate wife. I doubt that this is a real solution long term though. I would expect resentment to grow until you decide to leave. 4. Find a new compatible partner.
 

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Much good advice already. Also reinforce to him in a positive manner he'll become less insecure with more frequency. It's more common to get more confident than not, perhaps tell him, from what you read anyway, perhaps as your source.
 

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You can tell him about me. I once had psychologically-induced ED with no medical insurance. I went to a local doctor who gave me testosterone injections and prescribed over-the-counter niacin. Within a couple of months, the problem cleared up and I could have sex again. I didn't keep track but the cost was probably under $ 200 in total.

I can't believe that he simply "doesn't want" sex. A man who "doesn't want" sex has an underlying medically-resolvable problem.
 

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If he won't see a dr now, a couple things may help.

He must be getting regular exercise and eat healthy, and be taking at least a men's multi vitamin.

Nutrition and physical exercise are key. That will help.

Don't accept a lazy lover.
 

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I'd say that you have two issues to work on. The mental issue, and the potential physical one.
You may have to utilize some tough love to push the physical issue. In as non threatening manner as possible, tell him that you love him, your marriage is very important to you, but he needs to step it up in the bedroom. Tell him that part of that process is him having a physical, including T levels. Have him evaluated for depression. If he has no insurance and money is tight, show him that you are willing to make adjustments in the budget to make it happen because it is important to his health and your relationship. Get that done, make sure that he follows through. Research natural cures that may be helpful. Implement those. Exercise together, take walks together.
Work on the mental issue. Be encouraging, be seductive playfully push him to do it in different places. Get a sex manual , or find different positions on the net to try. Tell him you want to try different things. Reward him affectionately for his efforts. Go mildly nympho on him. Do some research on PE. There are strategies that can help. Ultimately.counseling in some form may be in order.
Be supportive, but also don't take "No" for an answer.
Change is a process, not an event.
Best of luck.
 
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