[BB87]

Just a little back story, my wife and I were married about three months ago, we're both 25 years old. We dated for a little over 3 years before, and started dating pretty soon after we met. Initially I wanted to wait until we were married before having sex (personal and religious convictions), but I eventually caved and we honestly had a pretty good sex life for about a year and a half before our marriage. We'd average a little under once a week, which considering that we lived a good distance from each other (about a half hour) and were both in school full time and I worked near full time was pretty often for us.

About six months before our wedding (at least that's when I noticed it), her sex drive really began to drop. It coincided with moving out from mom and dads (we were both full time students living at home) and getting her current job. Mine, not surprisingly, stayed the same. When I breeched the topic, she said that it was because she was so stressed out with planning the wedding and starting her new job. I figured that was honestly reasonable, and didn't push the issue. It came up in premarital counseling (which I pushed for, having a background in counseling myself), and it was honestly minimized there too. I again just chalked it up to stress and figured it would work itself out in time. Our wedding came and went (great ceremony and great reception, btw), and our wedding night was the first time in probably a month and a half it happened. Happened 3 times on our 10 day honeymoon (in a cabin, fwiw), and we've been averaging once every 2-3 weeks, closer to 3 from my recollection.

Every time I try to talk about it, she gets defensive and starts crying, saying I'm blaming her and saying it's all her fault. In all honesty, I try my best to do the opposite. I ask her what I can do to help, both with libido and around the house. I've started doing alot more chores around the house, I try to cook more often (which is a work in progress, I'm no Emeril but I try), and I've always been very affectionate.

Yesterday I brought it up again, and she reacted similarly. I went more on the offensive than I normally do, which I probably shouldn't have but in all honesty I feel like I'm the only one trying to do anything about it. When she got defensive, I pointed out that I've been doing more around the house, trying to be romantic, not pushing it when she says no, etc.. I stupidly (but truthfully) pointed out that she says she is too tired to have sex most of the time, but has the energy to work out in the evenings with our new Kinect fitness game. She said that now she feels guilty about working out, which I said wasn't the point but looking back it obviously dug me a hole.

Anyway, she says that she is so tired from work and then has to come home to a list of things to do (she writes lists to remind herself and me, I try to do things off the list while I'm at home), and is just drained because she has to do so much. For the record, she is a professional (not a teacher), goes into work at 7 AM and usually doesn't get home until after 5 PM (she can leave at 3:30, but chooses to stay later to "get more done"). I work rotating shifts myself, as of 2 months ago. I'd honestly understand the tiredness if the issue hadn't started during the summer. She also said that she can't stop thinking about the fact that it will be 2-3 years before we are settled enough to have children, and she figures if we can't have children then what's the point of having sex. That last one floored me, as she's never even hinted at that or mentioned it. Neither of us comes from a religious background were sex is "only for procreation" just to head off that question.

I'm honestly at my wits end. I love this woman dearly, and divorce is not and never will be on the table for any reason other than infidelity. I've picked up more duties around the house in response to our most recent discussion, and actually spent all of today (my last day off from work on a long weekend) working my butt off to get her "stuff to do" list cleared while she was at work. I also was looking for books about trying to put a spark back into a married couple's sex life last night, and apparently left a page on amazon.com up on my laptop, and I was told it pissed her off.

I don't want to blame her like she accuses me of doing every time I bring it up, but I seem to be the only one that really cares about our intimacy and is putting any effort into it. I'm afraid that the next time it gets brought up, I'll really get too honest about how I feel with the whole situation. Hell, I'd do all the housework if it meant restoring our intimacy. It actually kind of makes me laugh, I see spouses elsewhere online complaining about only once a week, and I'd kill for that right now.

I guess I just want to know if anybody has experienced a similar situation, and if there was anything that they did that helped.

 

[Samayouchan]

Aw. Again I know exactly how this situation is because I am in it some days as well.

First off, kudos for you knowing when you "dug yourself a hole" by pointing out the kinect work out. BAD BAD Hubby lol..... thats not going to help XD.....

But! The best thing I can tell you is that I REALLY think guys are so wired differently than women are when it comes to sex. I applaud your ' being more romantic' and 'not pushing it when she says no' because to me it says LOADS about how much you love her and dont want to be pushy.

Patience is a virtue we all have to learn. Try to talk to her calmly but express that you're in need of physical attention as she is in need of emotional attention. I'm sure you both can work something out between you that can satisfy both sides. Just try to remember that some times there are woman out there, including myself, that their will for sex isn't as up to par with our counterparts. She honestly probably wants to have sex but shes tired from the busy work schedule. Be sure you guys go on 'date night' once a week!!!!! You wouldnt believe the wonders that can do for a relationship. It would help. Even if its just to a movie, or dinner at a nice place. She'll see as you're really trying and then maybe she'll reward you for it ^^

 

[BB87]

I appreciate the insight. I try to do the date night thing as much as I can, and we've started going on walks together a couple nights a week, but it hasn't been helpful. As far as the calm talk, that's what I try to do so I'm not sure if that can ever happen. Any time I talk about it, it becomes me attacking her no matter what I say.

As far as her desire, from conversations it seems clear she doesn't have the desire in conjunction with not having the energy.

And for me, it isn't even about the sexual release. Sure, it feels good and it's fun, I won't deny that. For me it's the intimacy that sex brings to the relationship. I think sex is the closest you can be to someone emotionally, and it's that emotional connection that I truly miss. The other day even when it happened, by her tone in talking during it I could tell she wasn't into it at all and was just letting me do my thing, so I just stopped and went to sleep. If I don't have that connection, it's not really sex to me. I could get the release sitting in front of my computer, not the connection and intimacy.

 

[Samayouchan]

She sounds like me at times honestly. i have my days where i'm not into sex when it happens but that just comes down to making sure my husband is happy.

Although i do know that my husband feels the same way that you do. Its not just about the release. To some guys, its about the intimacy. Who knows? she may be enjoying it but maybe is too shy to tell you bc shes already expressed that shes not into it. Ask her things like what she needs to make the bedroom happier for her as well. she may feel somethings missing.

I cant stress enough that girls like what sparked the relationship in the first place or at least thats how it is for me. =)

 

[Samayouchan]

Yikes, don't get caught looking up books to improve sex life either, as she is already sensitive about the issue

 

[CanadianGuy]

Do you think that you could handle this for 20+ years?
Read some of the threads on this forum and you will be enlightened by the stories from men who have been living this for over 20years. Want to be like them? Keep doing what you're doing and you will be.

After you have kids you may be having sex once every two months. How do you feel about that?

She is sh*t testing you and making you jump through hoops. You are failing her sh*t tests. Let me put it to you this way "have more sex with me and I'll be more in the mood to do the housework" - try telling her that. To her you doing the extra house work is only so you can have sex with her. It doesn't matter what she tells you, that is what she thinks. She feels like she is being "used" for sex. No more talk about it either. Action.

Get this before it's to late. -http://marriedmansexlife.com/books/

And No More Mr. Nice Guy. ( book )

Your being such a nice guy...but she is losing a lot of respect for you.

Also check - http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

 

[BB87]

Yikes, don't get caught looking up books to improve sex life either, as she is already sensitive about the issue

I understand what you mean, but to me the fact that she gets angry about it is just a reflection of the fact that to her it isn't a problem so there's nothing to fix. I guess when it comes down to it, that's what bugs me the most, it feels like since it doesn't bother her it's not something that she feels motivated to try to improve. So basically, I just have to suck it up and get used to it. Even the other day, I shifted from my previous tone of "what can I do" to "what can WE do." What happened? "We" came up with more things I can do, "we" didn't even consider things she could try. There's also the fact that she has said she absolutely will not consider couples counseling, which basically leaves me with self help or get used to a sexless marriage.

I apologize if my tone comes across as meanhearted, I really don't intend it to, just alot of emotional venting.

 

[Samayouchan]

=( so shes flat out no on the Couples C. ; ; not fair to you if she wont even consider it =(

 

[CanadianGuy]

I understand what you mean, but to me the fact that she gets angry about it is just a reflection of the fact that to her it isn't a problem so there's nothing to fix. I guess when it comes down to it, that's what bugs me the most, it feels like since it doesn't bother her it's not something that she feels motivated to try to improve. So basically, I just have to suck it up and get used to it. Even the other day, I shifted from my previous tone of "what can I do" to "what can WE do." What happened? "We" came up with more things I can do, "we" didn't even consider things she could try. There's also the fact that she has said she absolutely will not consider couples counseling, which basically leaves me with self help or get used to a sexless marriage.

I apologize if my tone comes across as meanhearted, I really don't intend it to, just alot of emotional venting.

She won't consider couples counseling because they'll call her on her sh*t. She is treating you like a doormat. Stop with all the extras. Your high drive is your problem, right? She doesn't have a problem. Do not apologize for your needs. Do not be made to feel that your needs are abnormal. For a man they are perfectly normal and healthy. She needs to respect them, you and, the relationship. It's not about what you can do for her it's about what you can do for yourself at this point.

If you wish to live in a sexless marriage that's up to you. Get ready for depression, resentment, low self esteem and perhaps drug therapy.

 

[BB87]

=( so shes flat out no on the Couples C. ; ; not fair to you if she wont even consider it =(

When I brought it up, she said she wouldn't be comfortable doing it. Honestly (this is coming from somebody with an MA in Counseling) I think she could benefit greatly from individual counseling in addition to couples counseling, but I would never tell her that. She just gets too caught up in things and doesn't slow down and enjoy life, which I think if she could do that it would make her life and our marriage much better. She's definitely the Type A personality and I'm the Type B. I personally hate the idea of counseling because I always feel weird being on the client side after working as a counselor (I'm a correctional officer now), but if it would improve our marriage I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

[BB87]

If you wish to live in a sexless marriage that's up to you. Get ready for depression, resentment, low self esteem and perhaps drug therapy.

Well, I'm in this marriage unless she cheats on me or decides to divorce me, thanks to my moral and religious convictions. So, perhaps that is what I have in store (minus the drug therapy).

 

[IndiaInk]

The most common cause of a woman's decline in sexual interest is lack of sexual attraction.

(the myriad of excuses offered (even if potentially valid)...aren't really the underlying cause...they merely camouflage the cause--even to the women herself)


If you've become less sexually attractive to her, it's because you've made yourself less desirable

Honestly, it's kinda sad, but really, but when a woman knows she "has a guy hooked"...and he's totally enraptured with her...she kinda loses sexual respect for him subconsciously.

(Because for any female animal (humans included) sex implicitly (if not explicitly) involves submitting yourself to a male's conquest...and the male has to be worthy conqueror...so that the strongest genes win out)

The same isn't true for men...they prime directive is about quantity not quality (so if in marriage, they find ONE quality woman, they can easily accept that (because they're not fighting their biology in that respect), and thus can instead spend the rest of their time trying to fight their natural, biological urge for new partners)

(that's why men are probably far more capable of emotionally fidelity than women...they can give their Heart to ONE woman...but women will have a harder time doing that if the man doesn't actively set up the right dynamic)


that's why...you've gotta keep your edge, you elusiveness

Don't ever beg or do chores for sex. Don't pout. Don't be overly into her all the time. You'll just push her away.

Seriously,there are a number of books on this stuff...that'll cover it more fully

Good luck to you

 

[CanadianGuy]

Well, I'm in this marriage unless she cheats on me or decides to divorce me, thanks to my moral and religious convictions. So, perhaps that is what I have in store (minus the drug therapy).

Welcome to the forums. Here's a few from the sex in marriage section. - or as I refer to it as the "NO sex in marriage" section.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/57106-virtually-no-sex-wife-inscrutable-despair.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/57046-lack-sex-affection-finally-did-me.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/57000-after-23-years-wifes-passion-gone-there-any-anyway.html

 

[RandomDude]

I have moral issues with leading on a woman who is your wife

If you're not happy, fix it, otherwise, give her the benefit of the opportunity of finding happiness by releasing her

 

[CanadianGuy]

It isn't "about her" it's about you.

Another one.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/57200-i-see-nothing-wrong.html

 

[KanDo]

Well, I'm in this marriage unless she cheats on me or decides to divorce me, thanks to my moral and religious convictions. So, perhaps that is what I have in store (minus the drug therapy).

SO sorry you are here and so early in you relationship.
Marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman and, in you case, God. You haven't stated your religous preferences, but Judeo-Christian tradition explicitly includes the admonition to meet the sexual needs of the spouse. Your wife is not only not meeting her personal obligations to you, she isn't meeting her religious obligations.

I would sincerely hope that you would reconsider how important sexuality is to the health of a marriage. Her unwillingness to even work on this is an incredibly bad sign at this stage in yourmarried life. You are young without children. If she is unwilling to come to acknowledge and confront this problem, she obviously has a skewed definition of love.

If she won't work on it, I would implore you to reconsider the marriage. this conflict will destroy not only you but her as well. You are doing no one any favors by staying and letting resentment grow.

 

[BB87]

If she won't work on it, I would implore you to reconsider the marriage. this conflict will destroy not only you but her as well. You are doing no one any favors by staying and letting resentment grow.

I appreciate your input. You are correct as far as me having a Judeo-Christian background. As far as reconsidering the marriage, as I stated before, I made a vow to be committed to her for the rest of my life and I intend to honor it. It was a vow I made to her and, more importantly, to God.

I honestly should have seen it coming. I come from a very close, loving, and affectionate family, whereas she comes from a relatively distant, emotionally disconnected family, where her parents are likely still together mainly for their kids. The issues that are cropping up, the more I look at them, really seem like that might be the ultimate root.

 

[Malaise]

I appreciate your input. You are correct as far as me having a Judeo-Christian background. As far as reconsidering the marriage, as I stated before, I made a vow to be committed to her for the rest of my life and I intend to honor it. It was a vow I made to her and, more importantly, to God.
I honestly should have seen it coming. I come from a very close, loving, and affectionate family, whereas she comes from a relatively distant, emotionally disconnected family, where her parents are likely still together mainly for their kids. The issues that are cropping up, the more I look at them, really seem like that might be the ultimate root.

So, do you intend to be a martyr for the next 30,40 years?

I've been where you are, many here have. It's why I came to TAM .

A prediction

Either she changes or this will change YOU. Slowly but surely your resentment will grow. You'll see couples around you, family,friends, people on TV and in movies. All happy, with healthy sex lives. You'll think 'why not me?'

You'll get angry, bitter.

Years will pass and the bad feelings will grow. You'll look at her in a different way. Before she was the woman you love. Now, you still love her, but you may not like her.

Years from now when your body ages and sex is no longer possible you'll look back and wonder why you wasted the only life God gave you.

Trust me on this.

 

[Toffer]

OP,

A few things to point out.

"she is a professional (not a teacher), goes into work at 7 AM and usually doesn't get home until after 5 PM" - So what?I leave my house at 6 AM 5 days a week and get home at 7 every night. I'm twice her age and I'm still ready to go

I think you've fallen into the typical "bait and switch" type of marriage here. You were enticed with a good sex life while dating and once you married, it stopped. I've been married 27 years and my sex life is about 1x a week (but i'd like it more) but I'm still doing better than you!

You also said that "she figures if we can't have children then what's the point of having sex"

This is very telling and scary! If I were you, I wouldn't try to have children with this woman because once you do, your sex life will be over! Once every three weeks will look like an orgy in comparison to what you'd be setting yourself up for.

Having kids is such a physical, mental and financial drain, your sex life then will certainly plummet. Been there (3 kids) done that, got the t-shirt

My advice? Get to the bottom of this as fast as possible. Get immeadiate marriage counseling and probably sex therapy. She's got some serious hang-up about sex

You should also think about an annulment if you don't see any improvement soon. You're both young and you should spend your life with someone who has a sex drive similar to your own

Good luck. I think you're going to need it

 

[So hurt]

Agree with the previous posts. IMO I think that this is a serious red flag that your wife does not want to have sex with you especially given your ages and how early you guys are in your marriage. You guys should be having sex like crazy right now especially since you don't have any kids! You definitely need to address this with her. This will only get worse as others on the board mentioned if you continue to sit on this. She has a problem which she is not wanting or willing to share with you in order to fix this and this in turn is a problem for you because she is not being open with you about it. I really do hope you can work this out with your wife. I too completely agree with you about your views on marriage and how important it is to be there and be loyal but with women you have to realize that they are a completely different species (no disrespect ) and no matter how great you can be as a husband, shoot you can be perfect man but a woman will always find a problem and a defect that will make you seem like the worst man in the world in order to justify her actions and her decision making.