Just a little back story, my wife and I were married about three months ago, we're both 25 years old. We dated for a little over 3 years before, and started dating pretty soon after we met. Initially I wanted to wait until we were married before having sex (personal and religious convictions), but I eventually caved and we honestly had a pretty good sex life for about a year and a half before our marriage. We'd average a little under once a week, which considering that we lived a good distance from each other (about a half hour) and were both in school full time and I worked near full time was pretty often for us.
About six months before our wedding (at least that's when I noticed it), her sex drive really began to drop. It coincided with moving out from mom and dads (we were both full time students living at home) and getting her current job. Mine, not surprisingly, stayed the same. When I breeched the topic, she said that it was because she was so stressed out with planning the wedding and starting her new job. I figured that was honestly reasonable, and didn't push the issue. It came up in premarital counseling (which I pushed for, having a background in counseling myself), and it was honestly minimized there too. I again just chalked it up to stress and figured it would work itself out in time. Our wedding came and went (great ceremony and great reception, btw), and our wedding night was the first time in probably a month and a half it happened. Happened 3 times on our 10 day honeymoon (in a cabin, fwiw), and we've been averaging once every 2-3 weeks, closer to 3 from my recollection.
Every time I try to talk about it, she gets defensive and starts crying, saying I'm blaming her and saying it's all her fault. In all honesty, I try my best to do the opposite. I ask her what I can do to help, both with libido and around the house. I've started doing alot more chores around the house, I try to cook more often (which is a work in progress, I'm no Emeril but I try), and I've always been very affectionate.
Yesterday I brought it up again, and she reacted similarly. I went more on the offensive than I normally do, which I probably shouldn't have but in all honesty I feel like I'm the only one trying to do anything about it. When she got defensive, I pointed out that I've been doing more around the house, trying to be romantic, not pushing it when she says no, etc.. I stupidly (but truthfully) pointed out that she says she is too tired to have sex most of the time, but has the energy to work out in the evenings with our new Kinect fitness game. She said that now she feels guilty about working out, which I said wasn't the point but looking back it obviously dug me a hole.
Anyway, she says that she is so tired from work and then has to come home to a list of things to do (she writes lists to remind herself and me, I try to do things off the list while I'm at home), and is just drained because she has to do so much. For the record, she is a professional (not a teacher), goes into work at 7 AM and usually doesn't get home until after 5 PM (she can leave at 3:30, but chooses to stay later to "get more done"). I work rotating shifts myself, as of 2 months ago. I'd honestly understand the tiredness if the issue hadn't started during the summer. She also said that she can't stop thinking about the fact that it will be 2-3 years before we are settled enough to have children, and she figures if we can't have children then what's the point of having sex. That last one floored me, as she's never even hinted at that or mentioned it. Neither of us comes from a religious background were sex is "only for procreation" just to head off that question.
I'm honestly at my wits end. I love this woman dearly, and divorce is not and never will be on the table for any reason other than infidelity. I've picked up more duties around the house in response to our most recent discussion, and actually spent all of today (my last day off from work on a long weekend) working my butt off to get her "stuff to do" list cleared while she was at work. I also was looking for books about trying to put a spark back into a married couple's sex life last night, and apparently left a page on amazon.com up on my laptop, and I was told it pissed her off.
I don't want to blame her like she accuses me of doing every time I bring it up, but I seem to be the only one that really cares about our intimacy and is putting any effort into it. I'm afraid that the next time it gets brought up, I'll really get too honest about how I feel with the whole situation. Hell, I'd do all the housework if it meant restoring our intimacy. It actually kind of makes me laugh, I see spouses elsewhere online complaining about only once a week, and I'd kill for that right now.
I guess I just want to know if anybody has experienced a similar situation, and if there was anything that they did that helped.
About six months before our wedding (at least that's when I noticed it), her sex drive really began to drop. It coincided with moving out from mom and dads (we were both full time students living at home) and getting her current job. Mine, not surprisingly, stayed the same. When I breeched the topic, she said that it was because she was so stressed out with planning the wedding and starting her new job. I figured that was honestly reasonable, and didn't push the issue. It came up in premarital counseling (which I pushed for, having a background in counseling myself), and it was honestly minimized there too. I again just chalked it up to stress and figured it would work itself out in time. Our wedding came and went (great ceremony and great reception, btw), and our wedding night was the first time in probably a month and a half it happened. Happened 3 times on our 10 day honeymoon (in a cabin, fwiw), and we've been averaging once every 2-3 weeks, closer to 3 from my recollection.
Every time I try to talk about it, she gets defensive and starts crying, saying I'm blaming her and saying it's all her fault. In all honesty, I try my best to do the opposite. I ask her what I can do to help, both with libido and around the house. I've started doing alot more chores around the house, I try to cook more often (which is a work in progress, I'm no Emeril but I try), and I've always been very affectionate.
Yesterday I brought it up again, and she reacted similarly. I went more on the offensive than I normally do, which I probably shouldn't have but in all honesty I feel like I'm the only one trying to do anything about it. When she got defensive, I pointed out that I've been doing more around the house, trying to be romantic, not pushing it when she says no, etc.. I stupidly (but truthfully) pointed out that she says she is too tired to have sex most of the time, but has the energy to work out in the evenings with our new Kinect fitness game. She said that now she feels guilty about working out, which I said wasn't the point but looking back it obviously dug me a hole.
Anyway, she says that she is so tired from work and then has to come home to a list of things to do (she writes lists to remind herself and me, I try to do things off the list while I'm at home), and is just drained because she has to do so much. For the record, she is a professional (not a teacher), goes into work at 7 AM and usually doesn't get home until after 5 PM (she can leave at 3:30, but chooses to stay later to "get more done"). I work rotating shifts myself, as of 2 months ago. I'd honestly understand the tiredness if the issue hadn't started during the summer. She also said that she can't stop thinking about the fact that it will be 2-3 years before we are settled enough to have children, and she figures if we can't have children then what's the point of having sex. That last one floored me, as she's never even hinted at that or mentioned it. Neither of us comes from a religious background were sex is "only for procreation" just to head off that question.
I'm honestly at my wits end. I love this woman dearly, and divorce is not and never will be on the table for any reason other than infidelity. I've picked up more duties around the house in response to our most recent discussion, and actually spent all of today (my last day off from work on a long weekend) working my butt off to get her "stuff to do" list cleared while she was at work. I also was looking for books about trying to put a spark back into a married couple's sex life last night, and apparently left a page on amazon.com up on my laptop, and I was told it pissed her off.
I don't want to blame her like she accuses me of doing every time I bring it up, but I seem to be the only one that really cares about our intimacy and is putting any effort into it. I'm afraid that the next time it gets brought up, I'll really get too honest about how I feel with the whole situation. Hell, I'd do all the housework if it meant restoring our intimacy. It actually kind of makes me laugh, I see spouses elsewhere online complaining about only once a week, and I'd kill for that right now.
I guess I just want to know if anybody has experienced a similar situation, and if there was anything that they did that helped.