[flightlessbird]

My husband and I have been married for 8 months. We were together for 2 years prior to marrying and did not have sex before we married as we are Christian and believed this was the right thing to do. Fooling around, I had the impression he was very interested in regular and exciting/kinky sex.

I lived as a non-Christian previously, having several long term relationships and plenty of great/experimental/intimate sex. My husband was a virgin when we married.

We both expected to have lots of sex when we got married, but it is infrequent at best. I didn't expect him to be amazing having had no experience, but having been with a virgin before I thought he'd catch on pretty quick. He hasn't. In fact he doesn't even seem to know his own body that well having just watched porn and masturbated for 2 minutes in the shower each day prior to our relationship. He doesn't really even know how to move and when he comes he just kind of freezes up and stop moving rather than thrusting...(please excuse the detail)...

I am so disappointed and I know he feels pressured by my desire to have more frequent sex than he does. I feel disappointed that my man wants less sex than I do! Any guy I was with before always wanted plenty of sex, usually every day, even more than once, which is more my drive.

He doesn't seem to enjoy foreplay - he told me once that he gets tired and that it seems like a lot of work. This is a guy who doesn't want to work up a sweat it seems. It made me feel like he isn't even excited to touch my body...not a problem I ever had before.

He is also a total prude when it comes to experimentation - it's pretty much missionary all the way. He has no problem with oral sex, but that's as far as it goes. I feel really unhappy - not only do we hardly have sex, but when we do it's mostly mediocre. We have had times where we really connected, but it's rare.

We have talked about it multiple times, but the more we talk the worse it gets - the more pressured he feels and the more frustrated I feel. I have tried to be patient, but he never initiates sex and I feel rejected most of the time when I do. He is always tired. We have had a lot of pressure and stress since we got married but stress never had such an impact on my sex life before.

I am so disappointed at the thought of this being my sex life for the rest of my life. Divorce is not an option here. So I feel doomed to be sexually frustrated from now on. I find myself fantasising about getting a whole bunch of sex toys and satisfying myself. But I don't want to hide things from him or make him feel any more inadequate. Or just having sex for the sake of sex with someone who actually wants it! (I would not cheat). But of course this would all leave me empty, even thinking about it makes me sad. This isn't what I want. I want a real connection with the man I married and a great and exciting and regular sex life! Is that too much to hope for?

It's taking an emotional toll. Seems this problem is usually the other way around with the guy wanting more sex and more experimentation.

I don't know where to go from here. Help!

 

[peterrabbit]

Have you tried taking the dominant role with him? Perhaps he is overwhelmed and feels inadequate by his ignorance and is too ashamed to admit it. In your situation i think you will have to take the role of teacher being careful not to embarrass him. Take it slow, to save his manhood you may have to act as if you are learning too and play a little ignorant for his benefit remember a mans pride regarding sex is very fragile. Communication is key here too.

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[Talker67]

why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!

Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.

Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.

 

[peterrabbit]

why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!

Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.

Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.

I agree 100%, don't forget men are very visual, so let him see you a lot before you want sex to build up his passion. Experiment to see what he reacts to and key on it

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[EllisRedding]

Unfortunately, you may have to come to terms with the fact that you two are not sexually compatible. Obviously you can't go back in time, but that is the risk you ran marrying someone who was a) a virgin and b) never tested your sexual compatibility prior to marriage.

 

[Spicy]

Re: Newly Married/Disappointing Sex Lif

Welcome to the forum. You will probably get many on the side of the thought that you should have taken him for a test drive before buying the car...I got married at 20, both virgins, and we had a ton of fun figuring out everything in the years to come. It was NOT a problem for me and my XH. That being said...we were both virgins...different scenario.

Since your hubby was a virgin he may feel inadequate and worried about not pleasing you. Also to being compared to these great prior lovers he is no doubt aware of.

Does he want to learn?
How does he react to suggestions?

What if you were to say..."tomorrow night we are going doggy style."
Giving him a chance to think about it ahead of time, get excited for it, and maybe get him imagining what he will need to do.
He needs his confidence built up. Praise him for the things he does well, or improves on.

You love your husband, and you are going to stay in your marriage. It is all still so very new. Remember you have alllll that prior experience. Let him play catchup and never make him feel bad about his lower skill set. Praise does wonderful things.

I'm in a different situation than yours, but many of the same elements apply. I am seeing improvement and I hope you do too.

 

[Blondilocks]

At 8 months, you don't need a divorce. Check out getting an annulment.

 

[Chris Taylor]

Divorce is not an option here.

Why not???

 

[TheTruthHurts]

Two very good options:

1 - annulment as @Blondilocks suggests

2 - fix and never stop trying. This is very common here with husbands trying to bring their wives along so many here can relate.

Set up an appointment with a sex therapist - I'd go alone first. I did that and it really helped me get my own head screwed on better. Then I told my W and she was kind of shocked but she was very willing to go with me the next time. You know, no one wants to be left out of a discussion about their marriage. It was good to start a more serious dialog. I also asked her to have a session without me so she could talk about me if she needed to.

Also - get a bundle of DVDs from the Sinclair institute about sex. Usually women with little experience respond well to these moderated sex videos featuring real couples and real sex, but your H sounds like a perfect candidate for them as well. He'll see a variety if real people talking about positions, acts, etc and he can watch normal couples having sex so he will feel less inhibited and see how to act. After 30+ years with my W we are now doing new things (we were both virgins and she never had any sexuality modeled for her). There are DVDs on positions, toys, oral, even anal.

Take it slow with him. He is very intimidated and sounds very avoidant. But also never ask. You just see the sex therapist yourself, order the DVDs and start watching them, gently initiate sex. You lead. Lead gently with confidence. Don't show that you are looking for his approval or cooperation, just gently but clearly do this. If he has no choice he will follow. Even if he leaves while you're watching a video, keep watching and maybe start masturbating so he sees this is what you want. Point out that he is more attractive than the guys in the film and maybe even let him know if you feel less attractive than some of the women.

Sorry you're joining the incomparable sex partner group on TAM but know that all change will come from you. Your best hope is to start immediately and don't show you are discouraged.

Good luck


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[uhtred]

This is really difficult. There is a huge variation in people's ideas of what constitutes good sex and some people are just not at all compatible.

Since you have had enthusiastic passionate lovers before, at least you know that the problem is not you. Some women in this situation feel insecure and worry that they are doing something wrong. Generally they are not.

You say you've talked with him. I assume you have tried to find things that he particularly enjoys in bed. It sounds like he doesn't care - or does he recognize that there is a problem but is just unable to fix it?

Saying he is tired is an excuse - possibly an excuse to himself as much as to you. If he is not too tired for doing other fun things, than he is not too tired. for sex. There is no point trying to argue that with him, he will just change "tired" to "sick", or some other vague description of a physical discomfort that explains his lack of interest in sex.


30 years ago I married a woman I loved despite our very limited sex life. I assumed things would get better. We spent out 30th anniversary in an ancient palace on the grand canal in Venice. She spent the evenings reading, I read Facebook. She has never been able to understand how I feel, and never will.

Don't expect things to change, in all likelihood they never will. Just after marriage is usually the most enthusiastic, if not the most skillful sex you will ever have. There will probably be a burst of activity when you decide you want children, but then they will provide all the excuses he needs to not have sex again.

If you truly cannot divorce, then set yourself a time limit. Give it a few months of trying everything you can think of, go to counseling etc. After that, give up. Accepting a life as a monk / nun is far more pleasant that constantly having your hopes dashed.

 

[uhtred]

That works with someone who has normal desire, but lacks skill. Its is doomed to failure if he is low desire.

why not take the lead. Get on top and show him your cowgirl skills. He only has to lie there and play with your nipples for that!

Also, teach him how to give you good cunnilingus. That way if you get laid and it was not enough, you can make him go down on you to finish the task.

Get in the habit of wearing very ****ty clothing at home, so that his mind is reminded often that it should be thinking of sex. Grab him and make him do you in every room of the house. Text him dirty pictures of you while he is at work, so he can not wait to get home.

 

[Yeswecan]

In fact he doesn't even seem to know his own body that well having just watched porn and masturbated for 2 minutes in the shower each day prior to our relationship.

Your H knows his body. He knows that he can self satisfy in 2 minutes with the aid of porn. Is your H still using porn without your knowledge? If so, a majority of his sexual satisfaction is getting done in the shower.

 

[TheTruthHurts]

Your H knows his body. He knows that he can self satisfy in 2 minutes with the aid of porn. Is your H still using porn without your knowledge? If so, a majority of his sexual satisfaction is getting done in the shower.

I disagree. Knowing his body includes how to perform sexually... things perhaps we all take for granted... but if he doesn't know when or how to mount, thrust, etc. - and I suspect he doesn't - then jerking in the shower removes the need for sex and allows him to avoid dealing with his insecurities.

That's another reason I recommended the Sinclair institute videos


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[EllisRedding]

Maybe the OP should get him "She Comes First" to read at his own pace. This could help build up his confidence (which I would have to guess is low being a virgin marrying someone who based on her experience knows what she wants), understand the female anatomy.

 

[MJJEAN]

Do these Sinclair Institute videos also address religious upbringing that may have made sex seem dirty, or shameful or just "bad"? His religious beliefs might be part of the problem.

 

[Ursula]

I know exactly where you're coming from, except that after 3 years of marriage in our case, it's always H who will initiate, as I have no interest in intimacies anymore. The last time I initiated was about a month after our wedding, and he got dressed and ready to go hiking while I went to freshen up in the washroom one morning (we were in the mountains; he was more interested in hiking trails!). Like you, we've connected once in a while, but it's rare. Like you, my drive is extremely high, just not with H. I've actually either broken or wore out 2 vibrators in the last 3 years, sorry for the TMI! I can't give you suggestions on what to do, as I don't know myself, but just want to say that I know where you're coming from, and it's extremely frustrating. And, it's gotten worse as time has gone on here as well.

 

[wantshelp]

I know exactly where you're coming from, except that after 3 years of marriage in our case, it's always H who will initiate, as I have no interest in intimacies anymore. The last time I initiated was about a month after our wedding, and he got dressed and ready to go hiking while I went to freshen up in the washroom one morning (we were in the mountains; he was more interested in hiking trails!). Like you, we've connected once in a while, but it's rare. Like you, my drive is extremely high, just not with H. I've actually either broken or wore out 2 vibrators in the last 3 years, sorry for the TMI! I can't give you suggestions on what to do, as I don't know myself, but just want to say that I know where you're coming from, and it's extremely frustrating. And, it's gotten worse as time has gone on here as well.

Wow, so you have specifically lost your sexual attraction for your husband? Has he physically changed? Have you told him you feel this way?

 

[Ursula]

Wow, so you have specifically lost your sexual attraction for your husband? Has he physically changed? Have you told him you feel this way?

I have, yes, and have tried to bring it up on occasion, but like the OP, it just puts pressure on him to perform (he actually has told me that he feels the pressure). He was also a virgin when we married, and is now in his later 40s. Unfortunately, we cannot discuss the important topics that life brings to us, as we almost always end up arguing, and I end up feeling bad for bring up the subject in the first place. So, we stick to simple conversation. I'm looking into going to a therapist to figure things out, probably in the New Year.

 

[Yeswecan]

I disagree. Knowing his body includes how to perform sexually... things perhaps we all take for granted... but if he doesn't know when or how to mount, thrust, etc. - and I suspect he doesn't - then jerking in the shower removes the need for sex and allows him to avoid dealing with his insecurities.

That's another reason I recommended the Sinclair institute videos


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That was my point(in bold). The rest of it is immaterial. And it may not be insecurities. He simply is satisfying himself.

 

[Anon Pink]

He must not be a very good Christian if he regularly watched porn and wacked off. I believe both are considered sin...?

Another case of religion killing a person's ability to have an excellent sex life, the way God intended!
@flightlessbird

If you come back ...

What are the chances of your husband agreeing to not masturbate anymore?

Obviously at this point your husband has come to realize the wedding ring doesn't magically cause Jesus to bless his penis and make him a decent lover. That takes regular old human effort, human knowledge, and human experience. Does your husband desire to have a great sex life with you?

Wha does your husband consider a great sex life? Ask him to describe how a marital sex life should look like and then ask him what a great marital sex life would look like. You may find that your husband is simply not a sexual kinda guy.and this is most likely the case because it's very difficult to remain a virgin, especially in today's sexual culture, unless you're just not very sexual anyway.

If your husband isn't a very sexual guy, there is nothing at all that you can do. I know that is not something you want to hear or believe, but I've been here since 2013 and I've only seen one husband who started as a sexual dud turn it around and become a sexual hero. I've seen more wives turn it around, but that number is also rare.

Sorry. You've been sold something that doesn't fit the description on the label.