[newlywed88]

Hello all, Let me start by saying I have looked for support and answers from family, friends, and my husband himself. I have not found what I am looking for as far as my answer or reasoning.
I have been married for nearly 6 months. Overall our relationship is good. The only issue is our sex life. Well I should say the lack of sex life. He just isn't intimate with me. He did tell me from the beginning that he had this type of issue in a past relationship. The fact that he does not pursue sex and is generally timid anytime the conversation of our sex life comes about is disturbing me. We have gone nearly three months without any type of sexual intimacy. He makes it seem as if it is a chore. I feel unattractive and as if he just doesn't want me. Sometimes I feel as if he even rejects me. So I just stopped trying. I have questioned why many times, he continues with the same response "I don't know why I am like this" or "I'm just not a sexual person". He says he is attracted to me and wants me. I know he isn't cheating, its just not his nature and he doesn't do anything to make me suspect that as being the reason. We have got into a few short conversations about this and he has told me this has always been an issue for him even in past relationships. Well his first marriage to be exact. In fact he was divorced because his ex-wife cheated on him because of this reason. Sometimes I even think he has less of a sex drive than me because of our age difference. He is 34 and I am 24. I just don't know what to think any more. This has became a huge issue for me and he seems to just sweep it under the rug. I don't know what to do any more. It has started to have affects on my self esteem. It has started to create what I see as a dreary environment sometimes. I know a relationship isn't just based upon sex but every relationship needs a certain level of intimacy and I feel as if we have none. I know he loves me but I don't understand why it seems as if he doesn't want me.
*I'm just so confused and I don't know what to do or how this could start to improve...:scratchhead:

 

[diwali123]

Just curious why you married someone who told you he had these issues?
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[that_girl]

He told you who he was and you should have listened.

Maybe get some blood work done to rule out low testosterone.

But if he says he is this way, this is who he is. Low-drive.

 

[FrustratedInBama]

Does he suffer from depression? Is he taking some kind of medications that could be causing issues?

 

[southern wife]

Perhaps he's gay? :scratchhead:

 

[IsGirl3]

I don't know what answers you're looking to hear, but you are way way too young to write off sex forever. If it's not important to you and a platonic relationship is satisfying, then that it's all well and good. But if it is important to you and integral to a satisfying life and marriage, then I'm afraid you made a mistake. You don't have kids, so it's not a terrible mistake. You have to be fair to yourself and want more and not settle for mediocre. This resentment will build and build and manifest itself into other problems and turn you into someone you don't like and don't recognize. You might get snappy, or things that used to roll off your back become major points of contention.

It's great that you have a good relationship. Friends have a good relationship. You're maintaining the status quo. But you're just friends but you want more. The disparity of your desires does not bode well for future happiness.

 

[marriagematters]

But if it is important to you and integral to a satisfying life and marriage, then I'm afraid you made a mistake. You don't have kids, so it's not a terrible mistake. You have to be fair to yourself and want more and not settle for mediocre.

I totally disagree. You married him knowing that you may not be completely compatible sexually, or that sex was an issue for him in the past, right? However, there were other things about him, and about your relationship that brought you to the decision to marry him, right? Being that your married already, "don't have to settle" isn't an option. You've already settled, and I'd say that you didn't make a mistake because you made an all knowing decision at the time of marriage. You just decided to live with that, or find a way to work it out. So...now your trying to find a way to work it out.
Well, it looks like your going to just have to adapt. Enjoy and embrace the moments when you do have sex, and intimacy. IN the meantime, do things to meet your own needs. If you need to have an orgasm, masturbate. Heck! Let him know your masturbating from time to time. Maybe one day he'll be curious, and enticed to get in on that. Absolutely DO NOT let him make you feel ashamed or embarrassed for having a higher sex drive than him. My husband has a low sex drive, and tried to pull that on me. I actually let it get to me at first, until I realized that my having a high sex drive isn't any more something to be ashamed of than him having a low sex drive. If him not wanting sex is making you feel rejected or unattractive, then find a way to meet those needs yourself as well. Take care of yourself, go get your hair done, buy a new shirt you like (if it's in the budget), exercise, do whatever you enjoy..your hobbies. Also, notice all the areas of your life around you where you aren't feeling rejected...friends, work, family etc. Also, if him not wanting sex is making you feel unloved, try to pay attention to the ways in which he DOES express his love to you. Acknowledge that to him, and appreciate that.
Don't give up on your marriage though.

 

[shanalove]

New girl,

This is exactly the same situation in going through..we also have been married for 2 years..and it has always been like this...I agree with marriage matters though..same like you..im not looking to end my marriage..because i believe we have already made our decision when we got married..so leaving is never an option..i think its true..maybe we need to focus our attention else where..I mean things like this are not within our control..and arent we all just sick n tired of crying our eyes out with no answers.

 

[Holland]

his has became a huge issue for me and he seems to just sweep it under the rug. I don't know what to do any more. It has started to have affects on my self esteem. It has started to create what I see as a dreary environment sometimes. I know a relationship isn't just based upon sex but every relationship needs a certain level of intimacy and I feel as if we have none. I know he loves me but I don't understand why it seems as if he doesn't want me.

It won't improve, it will get worse. Your self esteem will be shot to pieces and one day you will wake up and find it hard to breath.

Take it from me, if you value intimacy and want to live a sexually fulfilling life then seriously consider ending this marriage.

 

[east2west]

Make him go to the doctor and get his hormones checked and look for the root cause of his problem.

If he won't seek treatment or there truly is nothing wrong (doubtful), then go straight to divorce. Don't listen to these people who say "you already made your choice and now you have to stick with it". Bullsh!t. If marraigematters and shanalove want to be miserable for the rest of their lives then that is their choice. But you came here seeking advice that will lead you to happiness, and the only way for you to be happy is to have a sexually fulfilling marraige.

If he is "not a sexual person", and you are, then you will never, ever be happy. Get out while you are still young and desirable. Whatever you do, do not get pregnant from this guy unless you know what caused him to be not sexual and you also know that it can be improved on.

 

[east2west]

I know a relationship isn't just based upon sex but every relationship needs a certain level of intimacy and I feel as if we have none.

No. This is an immature and naive, but very common belief about sex. Have you ever heard of people who had great sex lives getting divorced? Of course not. Sex is the beating heart of any adult relationship. Sure you need lungs and a liver and a brain too. But when the heart stops beating, the love *always* dies. All you have after that is a roommate.

 

[Michael A. Brown]

It is just normal for newly weds to experience some changes in their lives.

 

[ladynsniffer]

You are young and your marriage is young. To go three months without sex is not normal. I am sure there are couples who marry and do not want sex or are happy with minimal sex. But, from your post, you are looking for a rewarding and fulfilling sex life with your husband.

This will be so difficult to do but you must confront this problem head on. You are an equal partner in this relationship. You have as much right to a fulfilled life as he does. We all make compromises in marriage. There is never enough money or time to indulge ourselves equally. But, no sex at all for three months in a marriage that is only six months old is a dealbreaker.

It is unfortunate that this is not just a dating problem because you could more easily break it off, grab a box of tissues, and move on. If the sex was good in the past, then give him an opportunity to resolve his issues. If you are willing to spend the money, seek therapy. Confrontation is very difficult and we all avoid it. No one wants drama and arguments. But, this is serious. You are far too young to become sexless.

You are an equal partner and you have the right to stand up for what you want out of this marriage. Be prepared for the consequence of divorce, though. In my opinion, divorcing now and admiting you made a mistake is far easier than waiting and letting this fester.

Marcus

 

[Stonewall]

Talk to each other and do that a lot. My wife and I made a pact early on in our relationship 37 years ago now. The pact was neither one of us would ever deny the others sexual needs and we have both stuck to it.

If I am horny it is my responsibility to initiate and she will always and I mean always eagerly follow and if she is the horny one tonight then it is her responsibility to initiate and I will eagerly follow through.

It is a very simple and loving way to give to the other. I'm not always horny and neither is she but I can sure get that way.

It has always seemed to me that when one partner denies the other something as important to a marriage as intimacy; (baring big medical issues or something like that) that it is rooted in selfishness.

 

[larcenciel]

My heart goes out to you.

I've been married for just over two years and he had similar sexual issues before we got married, and I always found reasons or excuses for why it was the way it was, and thought I could just wait it out and things would improve.

Well.. they haven't and I've grown increasingly frustrated. We've explored the medical side of things and found nothing, so he was content to leave it at "I guess I'm just not a very sexual person."

I felt very betrayed when he said this because I've always been up front about how important sex was to me and he never thought to bring this up before we got married.

That said, I think that was his way of avoiding the fact he probably has ED, which is really tough for a fairly young (he's 33) guy to admit. But, he still won't do anything about it and so sex doesn't happen much, and if I don't initiate, it doesn't happen at all.

Be very, very clear about what your needs and expectations are. You might not get 100% of what you want but he has to be a partner in the relationship and willing to at least meet you somewhere in the middle. Define what that middle might be and fight for what you want. You deserve to be happy and feel wanted and sexually satisfied.

 

[turnera]

You need to find a GOOD sex therapist and set up ongoing, biweekly appointments. Tell him you did, and tell him you expect him to go with you. Tell him that if he refuses, you will take it as a sign that he cares more about himself than you, and you will respect his wishes, and divorce him.