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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hello. sorry, this is long, like "are you writing a novel" long, but i really want to give you the whole story of how things went down.

so here's the thing, my husband and i just got married a few months ago. months before that i was already getting annoyed at him for constantly being on his phone. it was so bad. he'd be on his phone whenever i was around and even during our dinners. i was most annoyed when he did it on our dating anniversary. needless to say, i eventually just said i'd trust that he isn't doing anything wrong.

anyways, we got married and it really was the happiest day of my life. it's been downhill from there.

he apparently got too drunk and was too tired on our wedding night. of course that sucked, but we've been dating for 10+ years, so it didn't really bother me too much.

but then, the next night, i'm awaken at 3am to a bright screen. his phone of course. he was texting at 3am! my thought was, who the hell is he texting at 3am when i'm right here?? i did ask him, and he said he was just browsing 9gag. this has been his excuse for all the times he's been on his phone lately. this time i'm fed up. but i go back to sleep and go to work several hours later.

at work, i check things, i check his t-mobile bill. because i just can't stop thinking about it. and well, there it is, i find a number constantly repeated all over his bill. i try calling it, but no answer. i just keep the information to myself until i get to his parents house after work.

that's where i start off by asking him to let me see his phone. his response "you don't trust me?" and i tell him i don't, but i stalk off into his room. few minutes later he comes in and this time, i ask, "who is she?" and i tell him, "i know you've been texting/calling her, so tell me the truth, who is she?" that's when he tells me, it's his co-worker. and then he proceeds to feed me lies, telling me it's cuz she's having a hard time with her husband yada yada yada. so i buy it (stupid, i know).

next day at work, i still can't, for the life of me, let it go. it just keeps gnawing at me. so this time, i check his email. that's when there are 2 videos! both sent to him from one of his guy friends. and these were taken the night before our wedding. the first video was of his tattoo and he pointed out that on his arm is a hidden "letter of her first name" and that it was for her. at this point, i'm already in tears. and i don't even dare watch the second. i immediately text him and tell him that i saw the video and at this point i'm hysterically crying. i don't even bother waiting for anyone to come to the office. i just take off.

he leaves work to meet me and i just break down. we've never had issues like this involving a third party. we're also each other's first boyfriend and girlfriend. and i gotta say, that this absolutely sucks.

anyways, he tells me he's sorry and that he didn't mean any of it. that he was just drunk and had cold feet.

he deleted the vids, or so he thought. and told me to not watch the 2nd, but i did. of course i did. by telling me to not watch it, what did you think i was going to do? this one was worse, he said he was in love with his co-worker and that if she stopped the wedding, he'd definitely leave with her.

again, he says he's sorry and that he didn't mean anything in those videos. and this is the week before our honeymoon. i'm just absolutely devastated here. but he says he's done and doesn't message her anymore. he said that the text at 3am was to tell her, "i can't do this anymore, i'm married."

and then comes our honeymoon. of course, it's rough. we fight half the time we're there. mostly because at one point he rejected me and then, when we got back i saw a message he posted to her on fb that said he misses her. that message was sent while we were on our honeymoon. like really?? at that point, i was at my parent's and he was at his parent's. i leave my parent's to head to his with the ring in a box. cuz i'm just so hurt at this point. and that was the first time i ever slapped his face. i was seriously about to walk out, but he grabs me to keep me from leaving and just keeps saying sorry. but honestly? how many times can he say sorry and expect that to make up for any of this?

anyways, we try to work it out. the thing is we're currently living in the backroom of my parent's house. trying to save money for a bigger down payment for a house.

he wants me to trust him. and he says he never did anything with her. no kiss no sex. just flirting over text messages and phone calls. he says they're done now. no more flirting, they're just friends. he says i have to trust that he's just friends with her. and that i can't force him to break off their friendship. the thing is, i never do. i haven't given him an ultimatum. i just tell him, that him staying friends with her is hurting me. and he tells me that it shouldn't. ohhhh, soooo easy to say. needless to say, i am still soo in love with him. and there's no way i can live without him. we're talking about 10+ years of dating.

the thing is, now we're constantly fighting because every time he's on his phone i immediately ask him, "who the f*** are you texting?" or something like that and he lies. he always lies. and when i catch him (using phone bills and such) he says he lies because he knows that i'll get angry at him if i know he's texting her. no sh**!

the last straw was recently. two things happen that just put me slightly over the edge. one, i tracked his phone and found that he wasn't at the gym, but near her neck of the woods (which is like 20 miles away from home). oh, and i definitely track him well. i drive out and search for him. the hard thing was the gps was off by 3 miles and i really almost give up and start heading back towards the freeway, but my gps lost satellite, so i turn into the driveway of a park, and oh, by the lucky stars, there they were. they were both in separate cars, driving off. she drives past me (probably doesn't even know it's me) and i pull right next to my husband who also drives past me, but then stops. probably just realized i freaking found him. and yes, i jump the only conclusion anyone else would! and i walk off into the park leaving my car running. he runs after me and gets pissed that i actually tracked him. and he tells me not to jump to conclusions. eventually we get back home to talk about, but like always, nothing really changes.

the second incident was the phone bill. he totally texted her and called her a gazillion (yes, definitely an exaggeration) times more than me when he was away from home. and he knew how lonely i was at home. how much i missed him. and through all the hard times we've been going through, you'd think he would make sure i was okay at home by myself.

now i give him an ultimatum. it's really me or her. because i'm just mad now. i'm not hurt anymore. i'm upset. can't stand looking at his face. so i tell him, either me or her. if you want to work this out with me, then u have to cut her out completely. he says, "i choose you, but you're not going to make me give up a friend. stop trying to control me." and i yell at him, "i'm not trying to control you. i just HATE her and your "relationship" with her." he tells me to calm down. cuz it's always me who yells first. but can you blame me? after all this? seriously?? anyways, i said, "i'm dead serious here. me or her!" he tells me, "i'm not gonna talk right now. i'll wait til you're cooled down." which of course pisses me off even more. so i said, "fine. let's just go, right now, and get our marriage annulled because i'm done!" and that's when he said, "ok, i'll do it. i'll stop. you want it like this? then there, she's deleted."

of course, i'm still mad as hell. and he takes our new puppy to his mom's house. and i check his facebook. i see that she's still a friend of his on there. so i message him "i thought u were done? why is she still your friend on fb?" and he says that his mom wants to talk to me and to stop texting about it for now.

so later in the evening i head to his parent's. at this point, i'm really thinking of getting an annulment. i'm so mad while i talk to his mom that my hands start to tingle and feel numb. so does my face. i believe if i would've stood up i would've fainted. his dad finally steps in and tell me that i need to hang in there and that this girl that he's texting/calling is nothing. i'm the one with the marriage license. i'm his wife. yada yada yada. and that i need to give him the trust back.

the thing is. i didn't mention this before, but the only person i told was his mom. because if we work this out, i don't want my family to be pissed at him or our friends. it will just make things awkward.

anyways, he comes home and he tells me that i need to trust him and not worry, he comes home to me every night, and that he loves me. he says that when i try to control him, the more he gets pissed and does things out of spite and that he wants to stop talking to her on his own. so basically he gets to stay friends with her. and i have to trust him.

right now, we have a deal. he has a month to work this out. i wont bring her up at all so that we don't fight. and he will see if he can really give the other girl's friendship up on his own. i told him that fine, he can stay friends with her, text her, call her, whatever. but he can't expect anything from me anymore. and if i'm mad, that's too bad, i'm mad and i'll be mad.

anyways, we were good for a few days. almost felt like we were back on track. he even told me that that girl no longer works there. but then last night he fell asleep on the couch (which is right next to our bed). which is fine and all, we were both tired. especially with our new puppy being a handful. but when we woke up at 2:30am, he got up and turned off the lights. and i guess he thought i was asleep because he was standing there with his phone on. i don't know what he was doing, but when i moved around, he started waving his phone around as if he was using it as a flashlight. he did this twice! and THEN he went back to sleep on the couch?? and i was pissed. i got up to use the bathroom, but you could tell i was pissed. he asked, "what's wrong?" but i didn't answer him and just stalked off to the bathroom. i came back and again ignored him and basically tried to sleep even though i was fuming. but i couldn't sleep so i was on my phone. that's how i found this site. i was browsing around reading other posts when he crawled over from the couch to the bed. i immediately shut my phone off. he asked "what are you reading?" i said, "nothing" angrily. and he was just like, "whatever." and i basically fell asleep angry.

i woke up angry too. but i was a little okay, because our puppy somehow got his head between a clothes hanger, which was just too cute.

but then still, when i saw his face, i was angry again. i'm still angry here at work.

and i just called his workplace anonymously and asked if that girl still works there. guess what? she does. so he's still lying. how does that build back any trust that's been constantly broken??

i'm just so tired of being taken for granted. tired of being lied to. tired of all his bs.

please help me. i want to honor our vows. but i'm at the end of the rope here.
 

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how many times can he say sorry and expect that to make up for any of this?
As long as you keep threatening to leave, and don't.

i want to honor our vows. but i'm at the end of the rope here.
It takes two to honor marriage vows. Right now you are a party of one. If you are at the end of your rope, as you claim to be, then you quit with the ultimatums. You follow through. If you have to move somewhere else for awhile, or kick him out, you do it.

BTW, for someone newly married, regardless of dating for 10 years, this is way too much drama and turmoil. Also, your husband is lying, lying, lying. That is not the foundation upon which a marriage is built. He's having, at the very least, an EA with this woman. And one that has been going on throughout the entire time you've been having fights with him about it.

Sounds to me like you have a cake-eater on your hands. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Lay down the law. And don't toss the it's-either-her-or-me threat at him again. Follow through. Idle threats mean nothing.

I would have been done with this when they were caught together at the park. In fact, he'd be out the door so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him.

But it's your life and your decision to make. JMO.
 

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Ask him if you had a "Just Friends guy friend" if that would be okay ?? with him probably not anyway I agree that because of his actions he has lost the right to have friends of the opposite sex His concern should be for you and taking care of you not some lame friend. I would establish some boundaries with him and if he is not willing to live by them then adidos. He should be respecting your wishes most good husbands do its all a part of growing up what may have been fine when yall were just dating is different now that yall are married stick to your guns layout some boundaries and if he crosses those then get an annulment

Good Luck
 

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Read your post. If a friend told you this story, what would you say to her? Your H has lied to you repeatedly and continues to make his "friendship" more important than his marriage. You don't have a true marriage, you have an open relationship as long as you allow this to continue. Which, by the way, you are allowing. He sends a fb message to another woman on your honeymoon? REALLY?

You have to make him choose. Not in a month. Now. Today. Why would you accept anything less? You are his WIFE for goodness sake. There should be no choice to make. You should always come before anyone else. If not, then leave because you don't have a marriage to save.
 

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let me first offer my condolences.. your situation sucks beyond bad, and it's not your fault. i'm so sorry.

first, i would separate. you gave him the ultimatum.. but you didnt mean it. you're still with him and you're still allowing him to connect with this other girl. if he knows you'll just get angry and just get over it and deal with it... he has no reason to stop.

i'd start separating everything. put the dreams of the house on hold and focus your finances on your potentially solo survival.

the lying has to stop... some people are compulsive with it because it's easier than all the crap that comes with the truth. my hubs had a real problem with being truthful, and it took a while to convince him that i'll always find out, so it's just easier to behave like a gentleman.

dont listen to his parents. they have every reason to cover for their son because if you guys split it will be because he's being a jerk. i'm sure they're looking out for themselves and their reputation more than your feelings.

i think because you guys are newly married that this could be a huge turning point for you guys. if you allow it to continue it could be giving him a pass for the duration of the marriage. nip it in the bud.

if it were me... i'd even go to far as to suggest him changing jobs. moving to a whole different area. you're not being controlling.. you're fighting for your marriage. if he continues to fight you tooth and nail so this other lady can stay in his life then that alone tells you a lot.

good luck, my dear... stay strong!
 

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Uhmm. With every thing you found out, he still won't "give up a friend" and he thinks you're being controlling. "You don't trust me". "You can trust me...Trust me"

Sorry but that's BIG time cheater handbook. He's textbook. I hate to say this but you need to at least SEPARATE. Make him understand his actions have consequences. Also DON"T buy a house. You're 50/50 with making this work and that's with full cooperation from him which you're not getting.

If I were him. I'd be getting that letter removed from the tattoo. Never speaking with her again. Quitting my job. I'd be doing ANYTHING to earn your trust back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
As long as you keep threatening to leave, and don't....

It takes two to honor marriage vows. Right now you are a party of one. If you are at the end of your rope, as you claim to be, then you quit with the ultimatums. You follow through. If you have to move somewhere else for awhile, or kick him out, you do it.

BTW, for someone newly married, regardless of dating for 10 years, this is way too much drama and turmoil. Also, your husband is lying, lying, lying. That is not the foundation upon which a marriage is built. He's having, at the very least, an EA with this woman. And one that has been going on throughout the entire time you've been having fights with him about it.

Sounds to me like you have a cake-eater on your hands. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Lay down the law. And don't toss the it's-either-her-or-me threat at him again. Follow through. Idle threats mean nothing.

I would have been done with this when they were caught together at the park. In fact, he'd be out the door so fast, he wouldn't know what hit him.

But it's your life and your decision to make. JMO.
You're very right. I need to really law it down for him exactly how I want it. I can't give him the choice and I really have to make him see that I mean business. And yes, being newly married this is way too much drama. There was a point where I really lost myself in all this, but at least I know he isn't worth all the pain anymore. It just sucks when I thought he was everything I hoped for.

I will start with a separation and send him packing to his parents house.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Ask him if you had a "Just Friends guy friend" if that would be okay ?? with him probably not anyway I agree that because of his actions he has lost the right to have friends of the opposite sex His concern should be for you and taking care of you not some lame friend. I would establish some boundaries with him and if he is not willing to live by them then adidos. He should be respecting your wishes most good husbands do its all a part of growing up what may have been fine when yall were just dating is different now that yall are married stick to your guns layout some boundaries and if he crosses those then get an annulment

Good Luck
I actually did ask him if it were reversed if he'd be okay with it. He told me that he'd be totally fine with it because he totally trusts me. And I'm thinking, his answer is a total cop-out.

As for boundaries, I'm going to lay them out tonight and see how it goes. And I'm also going to separate from him so that he can see I mean business. Thanks so much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Read your post. If a friend told you this story, what would you say to her? Your H has lied to you repeatedly and continues to make his "friendship" more important than his marriage. You don't have a true marriage, you have an open relationship as long as you allow this to continue. Which, by the way, you are allowing. He sends a fb message to another woman on your honeymoon? REALLY?

You have to make him choose. Not in a month. Now. Today. Why would you accept anything less? You are his WIFE for goodness sake. There should be no choice to make. You should always come before anyone else. If not, then leave because you don't have a marriage to save.
Thanks for your advice. I'm going to make him choose today and that's it. He has to deal with this. And if he says that I'm being controlling, then seriously, to hell with this marriage. His mom told me that when I last threatened an annulment that he was scared of losing me. I'm starting to think it's a load of crap. *sigh*
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
let me first offer my condolences.. your situation sucks beyond bad, and it's not your fault. i'm so sorry.

first, i would separate. you gave him the ultimatum.. but you didnt mean it. you're still with him and you're still allowing him to connect with this other girl. if he knows you'll just get angry and just get over it and deal with it... he has no reason to stop.

i'd start separating everything. put the dreams of the house on hold and focus your finances on your potentially solo survival.

the lying has to stop... some people are compulsive with it because it's easier than all the crap that comes with the truth. my hubs had a real problem with being truthful, and it took a while to convince him that i'll always find out, so it's just easier to behave like a gentleman.

dont listen to his parents. they have every reason to cover for their son because if you guys split it will be because he's being a jerk. i'm sure they're looking out for themselves and their reputation more than your feelings.

i think because you guys are newly married that this could be a huge turning point for you guys. if you allow it to continue it could be giving him a pass for the duration of the marriage. nip it in the bud.

if it were me... i'd even go to far as to suggest him changing jobs. moving to a whole different area. you're not being controlling.. you're fighting for your marriage. if he continues to fight you tooth and nail so this other lady can stay in his life then that alone tells you a lot.

good luck, my dear... stay strong!
i actually did suggest for him to change jobs. he said it's difficult finding another job right now. he's a teacher under a private center that has multiple centers around as well. i had him try to submit a transfer, but he said his boss veto'd it. i don't know if that's a lie or not. but my money's on it being a lie.

also, thank you so much. this marriage goes far beyond being a sucky situation.

i'll lay it all down for him and what he does will depend on whether i see a future for us or not.

i'm trying as hard as i can to stay strong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Uhmm. With every thing you found out, he still won't "give up a friend" and he thinks you're being controlling. "You don't trust me". "You can trust me...Trust me"

Sorry but that's BIG time cheater handbook. He's textbook. I hate to say this but you need to at least SEPARATE. Make him understand his actions have consequences. Also DON"T buy a house. You're 50/50 with making this work and that's with full cooperation from him which you're not getting.

If I were him. I'd be getting that letter removed from the tattoo. Never speaking with her again. Quitting my job. I'd be doing ANYTHING to earn your trust back.
point taken. it's so tough because he was my first and only boyfriend turned into first and only husband. and we've never had issues like for the 10+ years that we've been dating. i totally wish this happened before we got married. *sigh*

oh, yah, we're definitely not anywhere near buying a house. and if we had the money, i wouldn't even think of investing in that either with our current situation. that will just make things a whole lot messier if this turns from the worst to hell.

as for the things you would've done to earn back trust if you were him. well, the tattoo, we went to the parlor and he was supposed to. the thing is, he didn't really communicate with the tattoo artist well, which was one of our fights. because all the tattoo artist did was add more to it. and i totally wish he would do all those things. but i've asked for it and he still wont do it. i guess that should tell me a lot. i need to stop living in denial and start facing reality head on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
thank you all for your responses and advice. i seriously wasn't sure about what i should do. he tells me he loves me and everything else i want to hear and then his parents tell me that there's a period of adjustment, they know their son, i need to hang in there and just trust him again. all of that has been confusing me and pulling me back from really setting my foot down.

and i didn't want to tell my family or my friends about this. your words have been really helpful.
 

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Things aren't going to change unless YOU make the changes. Has he stopped all contact since being found out? Nope. He continues to lie and gets better at hiding his sh*t with her.

My stbxh did the exact same thing. Thousands of texts monthly, telling me that it has stopped...nope all lies. So I told him to pack his sh*t and go be with her and to leave me and my boys to be. Where is he now?? Still here.

I feel for you and if he had any moral compass he would have ended the relationship with you before you got married. It's so unfair how selfish these people can be. Be strong.
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Things aren't going to change unless YOU make the changes. Has he stopped all contact since being found out? Nope. He continues to lie and gets better at hiding his sh*t with her.

My stbxh did the exact same thing. Thousands of texts monthly, telling me that it has stopped...nope all lies. So I told him to pack his sh*t and go be with her and to leave me and my boys to be. Where is he now?? Still here.

I feel for you and if he had any moral compass he would have ended the relationship with you before you got married. It's so unfair how selfish these people can be. Be strong.
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very true. I can only count on myself here. that's what I told him, that he shouldn't have ever married me. especially since it was under that Catholic Church who strongly doesn't believe in divorce.

I'm so sorry you went through the same thing. and yes, I just don't understand how selfish he is. and he says I'm such a catch since I've stuck with him through all of this, yet he still has that "friendship" with her. if I'm such a catch, then y are you still talking to her? oh well, if he means it, he's going to be sorry if he really loses me this time.
 
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