Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 90 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello, I have a big problem. I should start with some backround. My high school sweethart and I had a on off relationship in our teens. We both used to see other people a such, back then it wasnt that serious. We always argued about infidelity and slept with people out of revenge or just because and I never got too close out of fear of being too attached to a woman who liked to have more than one man. After e split she moved in with another guy. One day when he was out of town she came to see me and it happened to be the day we conceived our first child. I was 20 at the time. She was 18. In the yaers following we went on with our lives having minimal contact unless necessary for seeing my son. She was in a serious relationship and I got married. We somehow ended up together again after 7 years. I devorced my wife to be with her(no kids from the mairrage) as my ex was horrible and tried to keep me from being in my sons life out of jealousy or something. I figured I would be happier with my son and his mother. We had our second son on the way before I knew it. I will never regret having another child with her because they are my world and all that matters is that they are happy and raised right. Almost immediatley after he was born she started coming home very late like 3 to 5 am. saying she was with her friends or sister or that she was drunk and slept on a friends couch. I was enraged but we had a 4 month old baby and an 8 yr ols to raise so I held my course. Over time it became more frequent. She wouldnt take my calls while out saying she forgot the phone in the car or some other excuse. She sometimes just decided to go out and not tell me or take calls. I am home with my young kids every night and dont much enjoy the bar scene so I eventually became used to the behavior telling myself its normal for her to blow off steam with friends once a week. I never approved of it but had to live with it and without proof i had nothing to stand on. As you all know raising kids can put a damper on the sex life. She was sleeping on the couch for a year after our second child was born because she had some back problems and was more comfortable that way. After she decided to start sleeping in our bed again neither of us could sleep so I started to sleep on the couch, at least until late when I could move to the bed without waking her. Needless to say it affected our sex life greatly, and intimacy is at almost zero. On top of the seperate sleeping issue I have the late night outings on my mind all of the time. One night she came home late and horny and we had sex and slept great. In the morning she went to the bathroom and I looked at the phone. She had texted her ex of 7 yrs repeatedly telling, begging him to meet her at the bar. He declined. Another text to another man at 1 am (closing time) said "duty calls here" hes a state cop. Im no dummy and I know what that meant. I confronted her and she apoligized for the inappropriate texts and claimed to just want to talk to him and that it was a mistake. I grudgingly took the bait.

That was 6 months ago. For over 4 yrs I have been seeing ramdon signs that to me are red flags
late nights out without me
not answering my calls
lying about location
lack of intrest in sex with me(once a month usually)
lack of intrest in our relationship
telling me to leave when she is angry
told me she doesnt feel love for me anymore
actualy served me with custody papers but changed her mind when she realised I would have the kids every week night.
constantly on phone and facebook
never leaves the phone even while sleeping or in the shower
accuses me of cheating when I confront her
makes mr feel guilty about questioning her

for the record shes no angel, she cheated on 3 of her ex BF with me over the course of 10 yrs and she was working as a stripper for most of the time that we were living seperatly. I love her and worry about the kids mostly, but I cant live with myself knowing Im just there to take care of the kids (she works till 930 pm)and pay her bills. I want proof, and have considered the smart phone spy stuff. Do I really want to know? should i try to get primary custody and leave her? I would rather have a happy family but after reading this forum most of my suspicions have been confirmed. My gut says im an idiot.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,107 Posts
You have to decide for yourself. What if you find out that she's cheating. Will you leave her, or will you just feel bad for knowing? If you'll leave her, then investigate and you will probably find out pretty quickly. I think she is cheating.

Given that she cheated with you, multiple times, it seems unlikely that she is ready to adopt a mature attitude about her commitments to her family.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
For the record, she has been home now because of a work injury for 3 weeks. Im not used to her being there all the time. She goes out still saying she needs alone time. I basically know what is going to happen to our family and she is being absolutley rude and mean to me every day. I started drinking every night. I usually only drink on weekends. Now I feel like in order to deal with her evilness towards me and not fight in front of my kids that I need to be drunk. I know its a huge mistake but Im exhausted from the years of limbo(forum vocab) and from her recent hostility. I try to initiate serious conversation, about us in general not infidelity, every evening for the last 2 weeks. She claims shes done with me because of an arguement she had with my sister, but I think shes just avoiding the bigger problems. She cant speak to me for more than 5 mins without walking away or yelling at me. Im at the breaking point.

Im sorry this is so long winded but its been inside me for 4 years and finally I feel like someone here will get it and maybe I can get better advice from people who went through it. Ive considered every possible scenario even living together for the kids sake and financial reasons but not being together. That only works if we both stay single. I still love her in some way but I think trying to get a fair custody agreement might be alot better than living with an unloving woman who lies and cheats. Its the hardest decision I have ever had to make.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thanks for the reply. If i catch her cheating i will leave her. But I wont abandon the family so it will be a long painfull process with the court while living together. I think im just looking for solid evidence so that I can leave her and know that I wasnt making a mistake. I honestly want to be wrong but that means nothing . I guess the phone spy thing would work, if i can get the damn thing out of her hand for a few.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
I'm guessing you're young. Make preparations for divorce, a lot of people on here have some pretty good information in that regards.

Seriously, Brander, you can't possibly envision a healthy future with this woman. Run.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
Do you really need to know more? The way you describe it, the two of you doesn't sound like a couple - more like room mates (well, not that either, I guess).

Are you going to accept your life as it is now? Or would you like to see it change? If you would like to see change, do you feel confident that your wife/GF is going to change?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
918 Posts
It seems very, very likely that she's cheating.

If you would rather continue without knowing - then don't look for evidence. There is nothing wrong with that - it's your life.

You might try "the 180" - basically living your life as though she isn't important to you - but it sounds like things have gone too far for that maybe.

Take care of yourself. You sound like you are more fed up about this than you might be admitting - even to yourself.

There is nothing wrong with feeling bad about a woman you love treating you badly.

People on here might tell it to you straight, but it's because many have been through the awful pain of betrayal and both understand and would want to avoid you feeling the same pain.

Take care.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,916 Posts
You found text where she was begging two other guys to meet her at a bar (and it was not for drinks)

To answer your question - yes you are an idiot - but then again all men can be blinded by a commitment to a wife (even if they are a wife in name only) and family.

The real reason that you are an idiot is the drinking. Knock it off. What if there is an emergency with one of the kids while you are drunk and she is out having her fun? For that reason alone you should not touch alcohol.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
You know damm well she f0ck around endlessly. She did with you, she cheated on her BFF, she's cheating on you, she's not relationship material. At all.
Alone time = time away to f'ck around.

BTW you need to adress your own isses, you cheated on your wife, have been the OM, you keep going back to your serial cheater. Get out of this dysfuncional marriage and adress your issues. Become someone who can you be proud of, a better role model for your children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
Thank you everybody. Thanks for pure truth and for not making me wait for advice. Its odd how years of dealing with this can turn into a desperate quest for answers. I know in my heart she is ****. I need to clear up tue fact that ve only beej drinking every night because shesbeen home every night. Its been 3 weeks. Im sorry i dont have it in me to face the pain head on
Im weak and you are all right, an idiot. I realized that wanting something to be true doesnt make it true. I thought we were destined to be together. We were not and thats o.k. its all about my kids at this point. I do need to work on myself. I cheated on my ex wife but after i moved out we just werent officially divorced yet. Im drinking again right now in the parking lot of the liquor store. Shes at home being cold and mean. My kids are with her. I think working seperate shifts kept us together up till now
Im begining to feel like i deserve more. I own my own bussiness and im only 31, i make good money and im successful, women hit on me regularly and im a big strong attractive man. Ive been beaten down by the ice princess too long. I need to see my lawyer soon and make a plan. Until then im pulling the 180. You guys are awesome, thanks so much.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
Im getting spybubble for the phone. Just so i can throw it in her face. Why not at least then i wont feel so guilty for leaving her. Im a mess and im self destructive right now. I actually feel releif thinking about my kids and i living away from her. Its for the better i think.not the ideal but we dont have that. Worse thing is admitting that i knew it would happen. I feel so ****ing dirty who k ows how many people have been with my woman. This site is the best thing ive ever found online. Im going home to sleep on my couch. Someday maybe ill be o.k. but right now life is a cluster****. Goodnight my friends.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
Special thanks to acabado. Your words match the ones i truly think before love and kids get in the way of rational thought. You are a wise person indeed. Living with myself and respecting myself as a man, i could never respect a man in my situation. Even if it was for his kids sake. Thanks again.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
35 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Simple rule, if you're not married, you have no reason to stay with her.
For my two kids my friend. I came from a single parent family and lived in poverty and lack of discipline my entire youth. My kids wont have the money problem bexause i will supoort them no matter what happens. But they need both parents and my 3 year old always wants both of us. Its hard knowing they will and already are dealing with some of the stuff i went through like brainwashing from her. Dealing with and acting out due to our consrant fighting. Seeing and hearing things they should never at this age see and hear. Living in seperate homes at different times. Dealing with new men and women in their lives, her using them to hurt me, court appearances and its just so damn complicated. Being married has very little to do with it. I was divorced at 26 with no kids and it was easy. Not being married but having multiple children is far more difficult and basically all the same rules apply. Maybe no alimony, the house is hers anyway left to her by grandparents. So its mostly just guilt about subjecting the kids to this. Not that its good for them now either. Im so beat, another shot and then surf this site till she vets off my couch.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
956 Posts
Trust your gut... you're an idiot and she's cheating.

You know it. You can see it. You know what she is like, and you know what she will be like in the future.

I'm one for marriage counseling but this girl is way to broken for that.

OP respect yourself. Stop letting them play you the fool. Get out while you can. You broke your first marriage because of her. How long will you tolerate her being even questionable and how many more marriages will she break while being with you because you can't control her......

You can't do marriage counseling if she is still seeing other men.

Deep down you know the decision, you just need the momentum, you need the push so you can go over the edge. Start looking for better, you need it.
 
1 - 20 of 90 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top