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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hello

I am here because I need advise about menopause and sex

This is not a joke please do not respond telling me I am lucky I dont feel lucky I feel totally terrifed by my own body.

I am 50 soon and up until a few months back me and hubby didnt bother with sex for 6 years neither of us wanted it so it wasnt an issue.
I self pleasured very infrequently usually as one of my PMT symptoms perhaps once every six months

In oct everything changed.

Having never had a libido at all I am afraid of what is happening to me anxious and depressed I dont recognise myself and im almost suicidal with fear of my own body and these episdoes. I get spikes of hormones or sex desire or something and its all consuming.
I cannot focus on what I am doing my heart rate goes up and I just want sex and nothing I can do makes the feeling go away even self pleasure only takes the edge off....my breathing is heavier and I get hot all over like a hot flush almost but all I can think is I NEED sex its less of a want and an absolute need. Its animal primevil and I dont know if i can live or want to live with this. It was here a bit in Oct/Nov but then went for 2 months and now its back only worse, stronger.

I try to walk the dogs but im snappy and impatient because I just need sex and i need it NOW.
I have tried to see if its my vagina thats aroused and is driving the feeling but I wouldnt say so, I mean its involved in the process because I am thinking of sex not masturbation but sex. I am not wet or anything, I just feel warm or slightly engorged, and like i need something inside me.

I even thought I had that incurable PGAD disorder where women commit suicide as theyre always aroused but no relief can make it go away...actually sex or masterbation makes it worse as it irritates the nerve thats involved.
Some even have spotaneous orgasms which may sound great but imagine being on the edge of orgasm ALL the time? It sounds like torture to most who truly think about it. its called PGAD (Permanent Genital Arousal Disorder.)
I had a pelvic exam by a womens physio therapist to see if the pudendal nerve was irritated or trapped (which is the nerve involved with PGAD) but she checked the nerve for triggers (to see if it hurt or tingled when she pushed down on it) and I felt nothing.

So now I am back to thinking i have something called The sex surge something menopausal women get were sex drive increases 10

Its horrible when it comes over you. I dont know what to do with myself.

Ive just finished my period and I had a couple of days when I had these episodes before.I started but I finished and I feel like I am going to come on again! Im depressed, crying, burning up, hungrier than usual and just had another episode as I was trying to work. I walked the dogs took a bath and lead down hoping it would pass but hubby downstairs and I had to know if he was up for it. I begged him and he laughed...we had sex it was all a bit rushed and after I went to the bathroom and cried because I think there is something wrong with me.

Even when I dont have these intense all body and mind heart racing mind racing episodes, he only has to say he wants sex and I go warm below or lie next to him and I want sex. I can live with that but not these pure physical heart racing attacks for want of a better word.

IN short I am experiencing a normal sex drive where thoughts and images turn me on (although ive never had that much before recently) and then I have these terrifying episodes were my body demands sex and I hump a cushion or somerhing then cry after from shame and not feeling in control.

I feel I have noo control and I am so scared of my own body. They happen when I am hormonal like ive been crying in bed all day for two days with post menstrual sydrome (Or maybe I am going to come on again I dont know anymore!) my hubby came home and i was crying and upset about my Mum and then an hour later and I am begging for sex breathing faster heart pounding straddling his leg asking for sex.

Its a NEED its not a want.

Can anyone other woman relate to this at all? Even if they havent got it currently but used to when they were younger

Thank you in advance
 

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Maybe try the "sex in marriage" section found under "focused topics"?

We're all adults here and most of us are likely in your age range. I, myself, am 43 and showing signs of perimenopause. My libido has historically been high, but it's been insane the last year or two. I don't know where I'm headed. Maybe I'll be one of those women that go through a high and then lose desire once the menopause process is complete. Maybe I'll stay high drive. Maybe somewhere in the middle.

Ugh. Kinda scary and annoying to not know what will happen to my body next.

You definitely aren't alone.
 

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Hello

I am here because I need advise about menopause and sex

Is this a place where I can be frank and open without getting attacked or laughed at?

I am so very depressed with things happening to me physically (increased libido having never had one like EVER) I have health anxiety because I cannot find any women who can give me a honest kind empathetic feedback

A menopause forum I was on basically scolded me and told me I should count my blessings as they had lost their libido and they were jealous. I would like to go into more detail in the private section if I think this is a safe place to be frank and open.

Thank you in advance.
There lots of women here that will give you what you seek. Welcome!
 

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I am 56, once my kids left home and I could focus on me and my life my libido went up. For some women menopause does create less desire but I was the opposite.
 

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I was in a sexless marriage when my libido began to rise in perimenopause and it was miserable. I was already starved, and that just made things worse. I am in/through menopause, and my libido is still extremely high. Luckily so is my husband's.

When I was in the sexless marriage, all I could really do was stay physically active, find things to immerse myself in that were not sexual, and get a collection of toys lol. No romance novels or sexy shows - that was just like a dieter going to a bakery. I don't think some people realize how psychologically and emotionally distracting and frustrating and how physically uncomfortable a high libido with no outlet can be. :(
 

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I was in a sexless marriage when my libido began to rise in perimenopause and it was miserable. I was already starved, and that just made things worse. I am in/through menopause, and my libido is still extremely high. Luckily so is my husband's.

When I was in the sexless marriage, all I could really do was stay physically active, find things to immerse myself in that were not sexual, and get a collection of toys lol. No romance novels or sexy shows - that was just like a dieter going to a bakery. I don't think some people realize how psychologically and emotionally distracting and frustrating and how physically uncomfortable a high libido with no outlet can be. :(
Can i ask you ? So u left that sexless telationship ?Were there other problems also ? Ty
 

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My Wife normally has a pretty high drive. But since she was about 36 every so often (like 2-3 times a year) for about 2 weeks she becomes what I can only describe as hyper sexual. I consumes almost every thought. We both work from home and during these times she will need, not want, need sex 3-4 times a day, she will masturbate herself to orgasm multiple times a day also. It's completely crazy, she'll have intense sexual dreams and then wake me in the middle of the night. Everything becomes sex sex sex, she'll even jump me getting ready on the weekend with the kids in the house which she typically would never do. Essentially she becomes a nymphomaniac for a couple weeks, and then poof goes back to normal.

She (and I) enjoys these short burst, but if it was the norm it would be hard to deal with for both of us and frankly it would interfere with day to day life.
 

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Can i ask you ? So u left that sexless telationship ?Were there other problems also ? Ty
I divorced over several things, the sexlessness being one of them. Weirdly, it was easier to deal with the higher libido single even without having sex. I guess because the idea that I had a husband and he wouldn't touch me was so painful.
 

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Hello

I am here because I need advise about menopause and sex

Is this a place where I can be frank and open without getting attacked or laughed at?

I am so very depressed with things happening to me physically (increased libido having never had one like EVER) I have health anxiety because I cannot find any women who can give me a honest kind empathetic feedback

A menopause forum I was on basically scolded me and told me I should count my blessings as they had lost their libido and they were jealous. I would like to go into more detail in the private section if I think this is a safe place to be frank and open.

Thank you in advance.
Welcome to TAM. You'll find us mostly a friendly bunch and we have a wide range of experiences so should be able to chime in with helpful advice.

Also, we have an off topic section for fun, giggles and the opportunity to confuse people with the fact that some of have the tendency to add totally unnecessary letters in words like colour. :D

You can be frank and open and we shan't mind a bit.

And there's no getting attacked and scolded by jealous nutters! :D At least not on TAM.
 

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Re: Menopause Intense Libido Does Not Feel Natural

As I posted on your intro thread, my wife gets this periodically though it usually only last a few weeks. Part of what might make this so extreme for you is the fact you have gone from basically 0-100. My wife has had her hormone levels checked and we have identified that as the cause. During the times she goes into this hyper sexual state her testosterone levels are WAY WAY higher (more like a mans). She has all the same symptoms as you, we end up spending 3-4 hours of the day having sex during these times. She can't get the sexual thoughts out of her mind masturbates A LOT on top of the sex. She also gets cravings for sexual things like she will suddenly have a powerful craving for me to ejaculate in her mouth, not that she is craving giving a blow job just a craving for me to finish in he mouth. SHe can;t explain it it is just a bunch of different fantasies and cravings.

The big difference for her is she normally has a fairly high sex drive so she's not going from 0. But this can't be compared to a normal high drive, it's super intense and all consuming. When my wife goes into this state it's sex multiple times a day and additional masturbation on top of that. Most people even very high drive men like me probably can't understand how distracting this is but again I assure you you are not alone.

A typical day for my wife when she is going through this.

Masturbate before getting out of bed in the morning.
I bring the kids to school at 8AM, we have sex in the home gym after we workout.
We eat breakfast and have another cup of coffee while checking morning emails.
We have sex in the shower.
She will masturbate once or twice while sitting at her desk.
Around lunch time we will usually have sex again
She will probably masturbate again before the kids get home.
She might masturbate again in our room at some point.
Once the kids are in bed we will have a much longer sex session. Usually 1-2 hours.
She will probably masturbate one more time to help her get to sleep.

So yah I get where you are coming from.

Let me state this clearly, there is nothing to be ashamed about with this. Hormones are very powerful. Basically you have the sex drive of a very horny 17 year old male. I get why you feel like there is something wrong with you, this is something you have never experienced before,
but there isn't anything wrong with you, your hormones are going whacky. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with having to masturbate a few times a day. It's like having to blow your nose when you have a cold.

I really believe the intensity will drop a bit and you will learn to cope with it better. I promise you're not going crazy. It is just a massive change that appears to have happened very abruptly so it is very overwhelming.

How has your husband reacted to this?

I suggest you get your hormones checked, I don't know if there is much you can do to lower testosterone levels, but at least it will give you a better understanding of what is going on which will at least alleviate the stress that come with not know what is going on. If this doesn't subside in the next month you might want to talk to a sex therapist, maybe they could give you some tools to help you manage things easier and help you stop feeling shame related to your needs.

In the mean time no shame in buying a couple boxes full of various sex toys if I counted all the ones my wife has bought it's probably 2-3 dozen.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
Re: Menopause Intense Libido Does Not Feel Natural

Note: It would be a lot easier if you kept it to one thread instead of creating two threads about the exact same thing.
I am new here felt it was better to introduce myself rather than go straight into a post of this subject matter, in fact I was not sure if I even could post here without doing the introduction thing first. All forums have different rules.
I did say I would post in more detail in a thread that offered more in the way of privacy later.
 

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Discussion Starter #17 (Edited)
Re: Menopause Intense Libido Does Not Feel Natural

As I posted on your intro thread, my wife gets this periodically though it usually only last a few weeks. Part of what might make this so extreme for you is the fact you have gone from basically 0-100. My wife has had her hormone levels checked and we have identified that as the cause. During the times she goes into this hyper sexual state her testosterone levels are WAY WAY higher (more like a mans). She has all the same symptoms as you, we end up spending 3-4 hours of the day having sex during these times. She can't get the sexual thoughts out of her mind masturbates A LOT on top of the sex. She also gets cravings for sexual things like she will suddenly have a powerful craving for me to ejaculate in her mouth, not that she is craving giving a blow job just a craving for me to finish in he mouth. SHe can;t explain it it is just a bunch of different fantasies and cravings.

The big difference for her is she normally has a fairly high sex drive so she's not going from 0. But this can't be compared to a normal high drive, it's super intense and all consuming. When my wife goes into this state it's sex multiple times a day and additional masturbation on top of that. Most people even very high drive men like me probably can't understand how distracting this is but again I assure you you are not alone.

A typical day for my wife when she is going through this.

Masturbate before getting out of bed in the morning.
I bring the kids to school at 8AM, we have sex in the home gym after we workout.
We eat breakfast and have another cup of coffee while checking morning emails.
We have sex in the shower.
She will masturbate once or twice while sitting at her desk.
Around lunch time we will usually have sex again
She will probably masturbate again before the kids get home.
She might masturbate again in our room at some point.
Once the kids are in bed we will have a much longer sex session. Usually 1-2 hours.
She will probably masturbate one more time to help her get to sleep.

So yah I get where you are coming from.

Let me state this clearly, there is nothing to be ashamed about with this. Hormones are very powerful. Basically you have the sex drive of a very horny 17 year old male. I get why you feel like there is something wrong with you, this is something you have never experienced before,
but there isn't anything wrong with you, your hormones are going whacky. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with having to masturbate a few times a day. It's like having to blow your nose when you have a cold.

I really believe the intensity will drop a bit and you will learn to cope with it better. I promise you're not going crazy. It is just a massive change that appears to have happened very abruptly so it is very overwhelming.

How has your husband reacted to this?

I suggest you get your hormones checked, I don't know if there is much you can do to lower testosterone levels, but at least it will give you a better understanding of what is going on which will at least alleviate the stress that come with not know what is going on. If this doesn't subside in the next month you might want to talk to a sex therapist, maybe they could give you some tools to help you manage things easier and help you stop feeling shame related to your needs.

In the mean time no shame in buying a couple boxes full of various sex toys if I counted all the ones my wife has bought it's probably 2-3 dozen.
Thanks for replying. Its good a man responded as so far I have found women tend to be shy or they can't believe how upset I am or how desperate I am to ask questions I ask..they think I am weird I think.

I will be frank. I am grateful I am not in the same state your wife is, I think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now. So far, at its worse I had one day were I self pleasured twice in a row then had an orgasm twice in bed later with hubby. So 4 in a day but that as yet is the exception not the rule.

When I am in these phases which I do believe are hormonal I would be happy having sex every night which is not a lot at all, but I dont think it would stop these "spikes" occuring when they do, there is no rhyme or reason to them, its not as if I have not had sex for a week and so I get these spikes. If they happen, they come once a day usually afternoon or early evening and I can either lie down on my bed and just wait it out or relieve myself, but honestly most of the time its sex I need. Its like the self relief is not tricking the body it wants sex with a man. I dont have any fetishes or anything I just want penetrative sex. I bought myself my first vibrator (at 50!) a little "starter" 5 inch. Its like I hated having to admit I needed one, so I went for subtle. For almost 2 months nothing happened and i almost threw it away. Then when it came back I was scrambling for it in my drawers....hoping I hadnt because as I say it has to be penetration. Clitorial orgasm is my main stay but I need something inside me at the same time so whilst I can do that with a dildo I just NEVER gives me that almighty screaming my head off orgasm I get with my hubby.

The theory is its the body or the ovaries way of getting a woman to procreate before they finally shut down. I am 50 and have had hormonal issues since i turned 40 so I am hoping this doesnt last years or if it did i WISH I could accept them and enjoy them.. actually just accepting them would be a start rather than itching the scratch and then slipping into depression immediatly after and anxiety later because Im waiting for it to happen again... Christ knows how women cope when they're out and about. I have read that women of my age who believe they are experiencing the sex surge, use the toilets at work or go to their cars or worse, have affairs, its animal instinct. Pure. I have a new found appreciation for men who complain that wives dont want sex and I include my ex's. I had no idea how frustrating a sex drive could be. I see it from a totally different perspective now.
And whilst I dont condone it, I also have some empathy for people who have affairs if the sex life is dead at home. I never understood when people used to say how important sex was....I always thought "huh? rather read a book" It just never ever bothered me. I had little to no desire unless I was drunk. I guess my inhibitions have dampened my drive down without me consciously knowing it.

There is a great deal of shame you are correct. I am old fashioned and taught to believe women were seduced and lead back as they got seduced. I know how stupid and obnoxious that sounds as I write it out here. I am uptight and only really ever had and enjoyed sex as I say, if I was drunk (or high in my 20s) and seduced or the honymoon period of a new relationship...once you lived together for years I lost all interest... I did not initiate sex much, if at all. When I was young, I was beautiful and slim and felt "that" should be enough. (Only the young & beautiful could be so arrogant)

I feel ridiculous, like a child asking these questions but for all intents and purposes I am a child when it comes to all things sexual, I am naive and feel conflicted by this. It feels like a cruel joke. There are lots of "normal" women who have got the other side of the problem, the loss of libido and/or reaction if and when they do have sex they can no longer orgasm and they say how devestated they are. I used to read those posts and think " I couldnt care less" and to be frank given the choice, I would much prefer to be as I was than as I am.

When I posted something like this in a menopause forums, I got laughed at and/or they get pissy and *****y with me because they think I should consider myself lucky and stop moaning and over thinking about it. Mother nature it seems has a cruel sense of humour.

From what I understand, testosterone becomes dominant when Oestrogen drops, its not that testosterone increases but oestrogen drops making test' the dominant hormone.
I had bloods done in May and my Oestrogen was <18 (none existant) FSH 70 so high, those are menopause ranges but I am still having cycles.
I am on HRT 10 weeks but this started before HRT and I hoped it had gone but its back this week and feels more intense than when it started but when it started I had these episodes in addition to physical arousal without thought or provocation which is what sent me down the Doctor Google of the nerve disorder PGAD. I was having these heart pounding "I need sex and I need it now" episodes but I was so focused on the other I didnt really give them much thought. They scared me to death to feel aroused without even thinking of sex I could be holding a child or petting my dog....I basically locked myself in my bedroom and stayed in bed six weeks afraid to move. They went and now I get these whole body and mind episodes.

Apparently its normal for women to have arousal without provication too. (?) Not for me and I pray they at least never come back. The whole mess is tearing me apart. Im in deep conflict with who I am as a women and who I am having to become to deal with these physical demands. I cant just "distract myself" sadly.
I am comfortable with mild horniness, I dont freak out if I happen to read something or see something and the thought makes me horny, even now thats okay as I consider that "normal" but the out of the blue "screw me now PLEASE" feelings are terrifying.

I do have a history of trauma with sex: In my early 20s I was raped repeatedly by a boyfriend had 3 abortions and a baby I gave up when I was 17, so lots of sex related root problems that I have no doubt have added to the fear and shame I feel about this because I never "dealt" with any of that stuff at the time.

My hubby is exhausted anyway he has Rheumatoid Arthritis and this in turn causes him to have bad fatigue, hes always sleepy and tired and he works from 6.30am to 5pm five days a week.
Because of this I am very extra caring in the bed to make sure his needs are met. Gone has the "seduce me" attitude, I seduce him and make sure I make a fuss of him because I appreciate this demand I have has come from no where and I don't want him fearing me.... I would not have sex with him if i felt he was doing his duty but I would be REALLY angry too! Id have to go lie down and ride it out which is horrible but I cant sit there eating my dinner when my body is demanding sex. Its not even orgasm although that's the goal, its just a primal instinct for sex with my man. ( I work from home so no. fantasies or opportunities to have an affair thankfully)
We spoke about this and both agreed its better than its ever been. We're not awkward, we talk during about what we like and dont like so yea on that level its brilliant and should this pass as hormones die, I like to think I will make an effort to continue to "make an effort" because sex IS important in a relationship. I feel more loved and closer to him than ever and I am sure he feels the same way.

I am waiting on an appointment for Psycho sexual therapist. Cant come soon enough bc the anxiety I have over this is tangible. The more days it happens in a row the more anxious I get. It would help if hubby had the energy and drive I had but cant blame him, this is happening to me. Hes rational and reassures me its hormones as I cry like a child and whisper "What if I have that nerve disorder?"

I am a worse case scenario person and I have anxiety issues, everything that happens is always the absolute worst and being all over the place hormonally is like throwing petrol on a fire.

Thank you x
 

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Discussion Starter #18
Hello!

Thank you ALL for replying. I am so sorry for the confusion I appeared to have caused. I have actually written a more in depth post in "Sex in Marriage" as I believe that offers more privacy (?)
I will read the replies now but wanted to say "thank you" and "sorry" for the confusion x
 

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Discussion Starter #20
My Wife normally has a pretty high drive. But since she was about 36 every so often (like 2-3 times a year) for about 2 weeks she becomes what I can only describe as hyper sexual. I consumes almost every thought. We both work from home and during these times she will need, not want, need sex 3-4 times a day, she will masturbate herself to orgasm multiple times a day also. It's completely crazy, she'll have intense sexual dreams and then wake me in the middle of the night. Everything becomes sex sex sex, she'll even jump me getting ready on the weekend with the kids in the house which she typically would never do. Essentially she becomes a nymphomaniac for a couple weeks, and then poof goes back to normal.

She (and I) enjoys these short burst, but if it was the norm it would be hard to deal with for both of us and frankly it would interfere with day to day life.
Thank you for sharing. And especially for the reply in the Sex and Marriage area, much appreciated.
 
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