Where to begin? I have been married nearly 10 years, together 16 years, and have one young child. I initially started this intro with saying my husband had a physical affair that was discovered over 2 years ago. Really, it should start like this...I just got dumped by my emotional affair partner of over 3 years, if I am being truthful. But, I have just started being truthful to myself, and not to my husband yet. You see, in my mind, what I was doing was nowhere near as bad as what he did. That is a lie that I have been telling myself for a long time. My EA partner is an ex-boyfriend, there was and is actually love, in a screwed up way, I guess. WH's affair was more like a series of ONS with the same person when he was away on business. Not sure if there was any love. I have examined so many parts of these affairs. Kind of understand why so much of it happened, but I want to understand why I let it happen. My EA partner is a mess! He suffers from depression, and has stopped taking his meds, he was in a terribly abusive relationship for many years in which she repeatedly threatened her own life with a gun and I suspect threatened him as well. She just recently and suddenly passed away at what began as an allergic reaction to an unknown allergen, so he is dealing with that grief and guilt. And the kicker, he was a meth user 6 years ago and started using again. His life is so opposite from mine. I am a stay at home mom, generally happy, non drug using stable middle age person. My mom is an alcoholic and prescription drug addict-mean, hard to love, and unpredictable and has been my whole life. Classic, I know. The ex boyfriend from so many years ago has been my confidante throughout my husband's affair and its fallout. We haven't seen each other in person, he has tried, but lives far away and I didn't want to see him until recently because I didn't want it to cross over to the physical. Well, in the last few months, our relationship was advancing quickly and looking like a physical meeting was about to happen, and I was looking forward to it, but knew it would mean the end of my marriage and lifestyle as I know it. Then he tells me he unexpectedly met someone and wants to see where it goes. And the relief I felt was unimaginable! Although, I admit I am jealous, too. I know that if my H found out that this guy was a drug user that I very possibly could lose custody of my child! How could I have ever been so foggy? Still foggy? To think that I could save this guy from himself, yet risk everything?