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Hi, I was wondering if anyone had some honest advice ( this is the first time I have ever posted on any online forum but you all seem lovely and honest! And I'm at my wits end!!)

I am 31, husbands 42
And we have a beautiful little girl who is 5 1/2.
We have been "trying" for a second child on and off for the past 4 years. I say trying - here is where the problem is.
My husband has a low sex drive, and only wants it when it suits him so it seems, which has made it extremely difficult when ovulating etc,
then at Christmas DH has decided he has changed his mind and has even said the thought of having another baby makes him physically sick!! This is absolutely crushing me.
The reason it hurts so much is because of his low sex drive causing us such issues throughout the marriage, he was going to see someone about it and kept promising he would, and never got round to it. Then last year he said because of his age he didn't want to try for years on end which I get, so we agreed that he would get the sex issue sorted, I would have a laparoscopy to check everything Was working fine for me, and then we would try for a few more months, and if I didn't fall, we would stop but at least I would know I have tried my hardest.
So here is where the problem is - I had the laparoscopy which came back fine (meaning no endometriosis or anything to stop Me falling) he never sorted his issue out, and now he has said he doesn't want another one, and in so many words if I can't handle that then we will have to break up - because he is not having another child.
I am completely crushed. I am from a Family of five (I am a twin and have another sister) and the thought of not having another sibling or at least trying since the operation I had makes My heart break. I
Know he is in his Complete right to change his mind, but I feel so hurt that he has never sorted out the issue, and I effectively had an operation needlessly! It feels like he never did want another one, ( hence not wanting sex ) and also has even said he would probably want sex more now if we are not trying for a child.
I love him dearly but am I so disgusted at how Selfish he is being.
We can't talk without it leading to an argument, but his reasons for not wanting Another child don't seem justified to me. They are his age, feeling like we would be going backwards and he doesn't want to " do all the parties and things again" so by that I can only think he means the general bringing up a child. This has also Made Me question the kind of man I have married. Our girl Is so good and the best thing ever - why wouldn't he want another? Also just to add, he is a brilliant Dad.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, if we had been trying for years and he then said to stop - yes I would be heart broken but I would accept it. However because of the above, I am really struggling ;(

I really don't want to break up our little family but I am so hurt by his lack of care.

What are your thoughts? Thank you so much x

3,043 Posts
How is him not wanting to father another child more selfish than you wanting another one????????

Listen I am going to be real blunt and honest with you. I am 54 now with two teenagers. I was 38 when the first one came and going on towards 41 when the second came.

I was not baby/child oriented to begin with but I did moreless consent to having children. I love them dearly and don't want to imagine my life without them.

...But I got my plumbing disconnected within months of the second child and outright told my wife if she felt the need for another, that she would have to find someone else ------- and I meant it.

This is what happens when you marry someone significantly older. He does not want any more kids and no one can blame him. diapers and play dates and gift bags at parties and figuring out who is dropping off and who is picking up from daycare/school sucks donkey d--- for a middle age man. I would not wish that off on my worst enemy at age 40.

Here is the harsh reality. If you brow beat him into having another child or s you somehow trick him into it, both of your lives are going to be miserable and you are going to get divorced in a handful of years and by then you will be 35+ with two young children on your hands and he will be a crappy father or maybe adequate at best and will at least return them to you from his custodial weekend not sick or injured.

But if you divorce him now at 31 with only one child, you stand a chance of finding someone your own age that may start a new family with you and will at least be an in-house parent to your second child.

…..and he would probably still be able to get it up and would be interested in a marital sex life for a couple more decades.

I know that is kind of a crappy choice to make, but it is between a difficult option and a much crappier option.
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