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Newbie - Bit lost on whether boundaries are known

7K views 165 replies 25 participants last post by  frenchpaddy 
#1 ·
Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there as i had seen the post for the show on Facebook. They are trying to tell me its just a drag show when i know its not. It wasn't organised by either of them so I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go) when i mentioned they would be there she just calls me paranoid and huffy.
I thought i had made it clear that i wasn't comfortable with her going to see strippers when we 1st started dating.

Now to me it is a big boundary, as i class it as borderline cheating but this is the 2nd time she has arranged a night to go and see strippers. The 1st one was an obvious strip show amd she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. The night never happened but that was because her friend couldn't make it. I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.

My question is when is best time to bring it up? Wait until its a few days away and mention it or bring it up now and have a possible frosty atmosphere leading up to it, especially if she doesn't cancel going. I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument, probably get called controlling and then she'll bring up times I've done something wrong so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
I don't even know what the consequences would be. If we never had the kids i would've been prepared to walk away but now its not so easy. Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it? Is it worth walking over it as i know a lot of people don't see it as a big deal and will call me pathetic. But every time i think about her going i feel physically sick and start to get overcome by anxiety to the point im shaking. I'm not sure the best way to handle it.
 
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#2 ·
Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there as i had seen the post for the show on Facebook. They are trying to tell me its just a drag show when i know its not. It wasn't organised by either of them so I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go) when i mentioned they would be there she just calls me paranoid and huffy.
I thought i had made it clear that i wasn't comfortable with her going to see strippers when we 1st started dating.

Now to me it is a big boundary, as i class it as borderline cheating but this is the 2nd time she has arranged a night to go and see strippers. The 1st one was an obvious strip show amd she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. The night never happened but that was because her friend couldn't make it. I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.

My question is when is best time to bring it up? Wait until its a few days away and mention it or bring it up now and have a possible frosty atmosphere leading up to it, especially if she doesn't cancel going. I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument, probably get called controlling and then she'll bring up times I've done something wrong so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
I don't even know what the consequences would be. If we never had the kids i would've been prepared to walk away but now its not so easy. Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it? Is it worth walking over it as i know a lot of people don't see it as a big deal and will call me pathetic. But every time i think about her going i feel physically sick and start to get overcome by anxiety to the point im shaking. I'm not sure the best way to handle it.
Welcome to TAM.

You need to be very clear with yourself about how big of a deal this is to you. Be very clear with yourself about what happens if she tells you she’s going anyway, no matter what you think.

If you consider this cheating, then that’s your prerogative. Many might come here and challenge that, but it doesn’t matter. It’s your right to have that boundary.

One you are clear about the issue in your own mind, do not delay ”the talk”. Do not tell her she can’t go, do not try to control her actions. She has a right to go if she wants. And you have a right to not be there when she returns. It’s her choice whether to respect your boundary or not.

But do not make idle threats, you will just look weak and pathetic. If this is really a hard line for you, then enforce it.

Now that I’ve said that, I wonder if there are other reasons that you don’t trust your gf? Is it a self-esteem issue with you or does she have a history of risky behavior or?
 
#6 ·
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Thats the issue im having with the consequences as it is something i tgink is a big deal and matters to me even if others dont. But is it big enough to walk away from? What other consequences are they?

It isn't a trust issue, its just what i considered acceptable in a relationship and getting dry humped by a stripper isn't acceptable to me.
 
#4 ·
Good point by, Diceplayer.
You`re not married and although your girlfriend is the mother of your children, technically she is still a free agent and she has no moral duty to stay loyal to you as would an official wife.
All the OP can do is explain his girlfriend his dissatisfaction of her attending such events.
Any reasons why this couple have not got married?
 
#7 ·
Not married but still have boundaries in a relationship. It wouldn't make a difference if we were married as I couldn't control what she does then either, shes still free to do what she wants.
We have lived together 5 years, joint mortgage/bank accounts and got the kids, basically married in all but name. Plus in debt that shelling out for a wedding doesn't seem worthwhile.
 
#10 ·
You need to bring it up now, not sandbag her with it later.

She is the mother of your children & you seem like you are not willing to walk away from this relationship over it. So that leaves you with what options exactly? Very few.

Try being calm. Talk to her. Tell her your views on strip shows that you see them as borderline cheating. I disagree with your assessment & she may too but if it's how you feel you need to tell her in no uncertain terms. Ask why she wants to go. Ask why she thinks it's OK to disrespect you & hurt you. Do not raise your voice or make idle threats. Really listen to her answers. Offer alternatives that you are OK with.

But before you start down this road you have to know in your own heart how far you are prepared to go over this. If you are not willing to walk away there aren't mechanisms by which you can punish undesirable behavior.

What are you going to do if she says that she's going because she is an unmarried woman free to do what she wants? You claim marriage isn't worth the cost but I think you are mixing up marriage with a wedding Two kids & a mortgage later, all the trappings but not of the legal protections, your GF may see things very differently.
 
#12 ·
You need to bring it up now, not sandbag her with it later.

She is the mother of your children & you seem like you are not willing to walk away from this relationship over it. So that leaves you with what options exactly? Very few.

Try being calm. Talk to her. Tell her your views on strip shows that you see them as borderline cheating. I disagree with your assessment & she may too but if it's how you feel you need to tell her in no uncertain terms. Ask why she wants to go. Ask why she thinks it's OK to disrespect you & hurt you. Do not raise your voice or make idle threats. Really listen to her answers. Offer alternatives that you are OK with.

But before you start down this road you have to know in your own heart how far you are prepared to go over this. If you are not willing to walk away there aren't mechanisms by which you can punish undesirable behavior.

What are you going to do if she says that she's going because she is an unmarried woman free to do what she wants? You claim marriage isn't worth the cost but I think you are mixing up marriage with a wedding Two kids & a mortgage later, all the trappings but not of the legal protections, your GF may see things very differently.
Once you're married you can't control them to what they do or where they go. You're still in the boat as in a long term commited relationship where it depends if they respect you enough not to do what you find as unreasonable.

Just because we are not married doesn't mean I can't have boundaries I wouldn't like crossed and I would like her respect them. She has her boundaries, one of them is if i start smoking again instead of vaping she'll leave me, might not be that big an issue in other peoples relationships byt to her its important so i respect it. Now she might feel that she doesn't have to respect them as you say that is why she is prepared to go the strippers or she doesn't fully understand that it is a boundary for me.

You're right about talking to her but i dont want it to sound like an ultimatum nor do I want to say it then do nothing if she still goes because then im just a doormat but in truth i dont want to walk away altogether. I'm at a loss really
 
#13 ·
My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there
So is her mum going with her? (And I assume you mean male strippers?)

And, is it possible her mum is trying to stoke trouble between you? Just a thought.

I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go)
You are a little bit contradicting yourself here. Do you think she doesn't know, or that she does (and is disregarding your preferences)??

Now to me it is a big boundary
That's really NOT what a boundary is. Boundaries are NOT where you try to set rules for what someone else can do. That never works.

she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. .... I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.
Again, this sounds a bit foggy. From what you say, yes you know that she DOES know it's a big deal to you, and is not willing to submit. And that is your issue. What do you do with a partner who's not willing to take account of your feelings about it.

My question is when is best time to bring it up?
Not the most important question.

The important question is why does this mean so much to you that you feel physically sick?
You need to find that out.

I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument
It might depend how you bring it up. Are you afraid of arguments?

so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
Is that how she is? Find out why.

Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it?
To who? To most people, yes, you probably will. I think it would be a big mistake to "walk away" over this, but it sounds like the relationship could use some improvment.

Let me ask you, if she was telling it, what would be her side of the story?
 
#15 ·
So is her mum going with her? (And I assume you mean male strippers?)

And, is it possible her mum is trying to stoke trouble between you? Just a thought.


You are a little bit contradicting yourself here. Do you think she doesn't know, or that she does (and is disregarding your preferences)??


That's really NOT what a boundary is. Boundaries are NOT where you try to set rules for what someone else can do. That never works.


Again, this sounds a bit foggy. From what you say, yes you know that she DOES know it's a big deal to you, and is not willing to submit. And that is your issue. What do you do with a partner who's not willing to take account of your feelings about it.


Not the most important question.

The important question is why does this mean so much to you that you feel physically sick?
You need to find that out.


It might depend how you bring it up. Are you afraid of arguments?


Is that how she is? Find out why.


To who? To most people, yes, you probably will. I think it would be a big mistake to "walk away" over this, but it sounds like the relationship could use some improvment.

Let me ask you, if she was telling it, what would be her side of the story?
Never had no issue with her mam so cant imagine it being that. Yes male strippers and her mam is going.

I think she doesn't know that they are going to be strippers there. If she does she is telling me she doesn't as she knows i won't like it and doesn't want me to make an issue of it. I would've thought she knew my take on going to see strippers as it had been mentioned so maybe ive answered my own question that she just doesnt care. I have said before if we were to get married and she had strippers at her hen id call off the wedding, so she should know how i feel.

I think the reason i feel physically sick over it is because i class it as borderline cheating and i get the same response as if i found out she had cheated. The thought of her getting sexually close to another man makes me feel sick, whether its with strippers or fully cheating with PIV.

I don't know how she would describe it but she would probably think i was trying to tell her what to do and that is where she would get stubborn and do the opposite as she doesn't like being told what to do.

Not afraid of an argument but if it becomes an argument it won't solve my problem of telling her im unhappy about her going, it will just be a big argument that will cause resentment and tension in the house.
 
#18 ·
Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there as i had seen the post for the show on Facebook. They are trying to tell me its just a drag show when i know its not. It wasn't organised by either of them so I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go) when i mentioned they would be there she just calls me paranoid and huffy.
I thought i had made it clear that i wasn't comfortable with her going to see strippers when we 1st started dating.

Now to me it is a big boundary, as i class it as borderline cheating but this is the 2nd time she has arranged a night to go and see strippers. The 1st one was an obvious strip show amd she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. The night never happened but that was because her friend couldn't make it. I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.

My question is when is best time to bring it up? Wait until its a few days away and mention it or bring it up now and have a possible frosty atmosphere leading up to it, especially if she doesn't cancel going. I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument, probably get called controlling and then she'll bring up times I've done something wrong so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
I don't even know what the consequences would be. If we never had the kids i would've been prepared to walk away but now its not so easy. Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it? Is it worth walking over it as i know a lot of people don't see it as a big deal and will call me pathetic. But every time i think about her going i feel physically sick and start to get overcome by anxiety to the point im shaking. I'm not sure the best way to handle it.
No drag show I've ever been to had strippers. I am all for boundaries but this seems over the top.
 
#20 ·
This really is about the two of you coming to acceptable boundaries. I find it difficult to understand having children with a woman outside of marriage. In my opinion, you have some very leaky boundaries in your relationship already.

My wife and I have firm, mutually agreed to boundaries. We don't go to sex clubs (strippers, etc), we don't go out partying without each other and we do not drink (I used to drink socially until cancer).

You cannot make her follow your rules. What you can do is communicate what your actions are going to be (consequences) if she crosses your boundaries. Frankly, I find it strange fir a mother of young children, regardless of marital status, to behave like a care free 19 year old.
 
#22 ·
This really is about the two of you coming to acceptable boundaries. I find it difficult to understand having children with a woman outside of marriage. In my opinion, you have some very leaky boundaries in your relationship already.

My wife and I have firm, mutually agreed to boundaries. We don't go to sex clubs (strippers, etc), we don't go out partying without each other and we do not drink (I used to drink socially until cancer).

You cannot make her follow your rules. What you can do is communicate what your actions are going to be (consequences) if she crosses your boundaries. Frankly, I find it strange fir a mother of young children, regardless of marital status, to behave like a care free 19 year old.
Very common to have children outside of marriage, not exactly no sex before marriage. The only difference between us as a couple and a married couple is a piece of paper to say we are married. Everything else is the same.

Im not bothered if she wants to go out, shes not exactly acting care free but shes free to go out whenever, its just going to strippers I have a problem with and think its unacceptable in a committed relationship.
 
#34 ·
Yes she has, dont start smoking again.
No contact with exes.
No going to away football matches as i met one of my exes through football and my exes friends still travel to them.
No lapdances (ironically)
And shes very questionable if i have contact with opposite sex, even if its through work. Even thou theres no history of cheating.

They what i can think off the top of my head but shes not shy to voice her objections if she doesn't like something and i respect them. I just don't think she respects mine as like i say this is the 2nd time shes arranged to see strippers but the 1st time didn't happen
 
#45 ·
You should not argue with your wife

If your limits are exceeded, your reaction should be clear, if you do not have sanctions, do not enter into arguments, otherwise your spouse or people around you will always cross your limits.

My comment about you considering staying for the kids is a bit rude, a lot of people here will be mad at me.

"I think it's an excuse for people who like to say they're good dads to hide that they're doormats."
 
#47 ·
You may think its an excuse but i always think its better for kids to grow up in a home with both parents. And i won't see them ss much as i like as it will be just every other weekend and around work. Can be very unstable for them, especially as mine are so young.
 
#48 ·
No i work at least 5 days a week, sometimes in on weekends.

Its not so much the worse thing that will happen, its the fact she is going to see strippers when i thought i had been clear that i think its unacceptable when you're in a LTR. Basically its that she doesn't care what i think
 
#49 ·
Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that
YOU make some good points
just the use of boundaries and what boundaries are and should be are a little gray and what happens if they a broken
That's really NOT what a boundary is. Boundaries are NOT where you try to set rules for what someone else can do. That never works.
after doing a search on goggle when it is a public show and they have a facebook account it would be best to post it so we know what we are talking about
 
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#58 ·
Of course, you spoke your mind and now you have to be punished for it. That's how they keep you in line, with passive aggressive BS. Then later on, they will cry and lament saying, "I don't understand why you don't talk to me." It's because they train you to not talk to them.
 
#59 ·
A married person can go out with friends & not have strippers involved. In fact, I have never gone out with my GFs & had strippers involved. I don't know what kind of friends your wife has or why she thinks she's missing out. I don't hear you saying she can't go out. You are saying that you feel disrespected by her going out to this drag show where there will be strippers. That seems to leave a whole lot of other entertainment options open to her within your boundaries.

Heck I have 4 GNOs planned for December. One will even be a weekend night away with my sorority sisters in Bethlehem PA, Christmastown USA. The only men involved may be the waiters, the bartenders, the store clerks when we go shopping & 1 photo with Santa Claus. Even then nobody sits on the old guy's lap. It's hardly racy stuff

Why is your wife so hellbent on going to this show over your objection? If my husband took your stance, I can't say I would understand his reasons nor would I agree that watching a drag show or strippers is tantamount to cheating but because I love & respect him I would honor his wish & do something else. Her failure to consider your perspective is the real problem.

When she says she doesn't know why you are so upset & that you should just "deal with it" she is saying that you don't matter. This frosty attitude of hers is BS She's gaslighting you.

She's not a child so there aren't consequences other than you leaving the relationship. What are you going to do -- not talk to her? withhold sex? not make her car payments? She's not a teenager whose allowance you can take away or make her go to her room.

Good luck. If you aren't willing to walk away it may be time for relationship counseling. If she won't go so you two can get to the heart of this power play (on both sides) then you know you have a real problem on your hands. I understand that you believe children are better off in a home with 2 parents but honestly what will they learn from this dynamic? You are not married but have kids. She disrespects you. You let her for the sake of the kids. How in there will they have a healthy relationship modeled for them?
 
#64 ·
Shes adamant to go out because her mam has bought the tickets and she says she never gets out with her mam. I said we'll give her the money back and go out with her the next day but she just says she wants to go here.

I said i was prepared to leave over it and she just said she had never heard anything like that before and thinks its stupid. She doesnt see the issue so she is going. Like i say she has a deal with it attitude. Its really starting to grind me down. It wasn't until reading these forums i realise how much of a doormat i am.

I dont stop her from going out, she can enjoy herself, she deserves it for looking after the kids but I think she can take my feelings in to it as well when she is picking where to go.

Only real consequence is leave and she either seems ok with that or doesn't think i will.
 
#80 ·
Thank you for the responses. I asked what others would do, as i wanted to know if people would stand their ground that such behaviour was unacceptable even if to the outside world (family and friends of the relationship) it is petty and pathetic.

The way i feel at the minute, totally rejected and disrespected i will be packing my bags if she goes on this night out. It might be a short term separation until we can agree or permanent if she insists on doing what she wants if she doesn't have an issue about it even if I do. Only time will tell how our relationship goes but i think everyone is right when they say I cant carry on with me being the doormat.

Thanks for the responses
 
#81 ·
but i think everyone is right when they say I cant carry on with me being the doormat.
It might sound like a cliché, but women in general, admire and respect a man that is strong in his convictions, and won't bend over because those convictions might be perceived as inconsequential to others. You do you, and let others worry about their perceptions.
 
#93 ·
Some female colleagues at a former workplace went to a male stripper show at a local nightclub. It was quite tame, no touching or anything like that.

The highpoint was when the compare came on stage, he was a drag act dressed as a nun in fishnet stockings and high heels. They recognised him as a former colleague who had been fired for gross misconduct when he had embezzled money from the company. So, that was fun! 🤣
 
#96 ·
This thread does bring back a memory. Back in the early 80's I had a roommate that was a union Mason helper. Stacked cinder block by hand onto scaffolding . His arms and upper body were very well defined. He was also above average in looks and his package down. Below . He was also an excellent dancer. He worked on Friday and Saturdays with an all male review dance troop. A knock off of the Chippendales. After every show he would bed a married woman. ( they came on to him ) They would go crazy after alcohol was introduced 😜
Many of these shows are not tame at all.
Ì can see why you would be concerned
Sorry 4 the TJ
 
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