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She usually goes out of her way to help people and can be a people pleaser but it seems like when it comes to us she just sees it as controlling and doesn't seem to want to listen to any reasoning if it spoils her fun. Guess she wants the best of both worlds, single and LTR.
People do overuse "narcissistic tendency" but from what I've read here on TAM, this is one of the characteristics of a "covert narcissist". i. e. everyone outside their home life sees them as a generous person, always ready to jump in, make special considerations, go out of their way for them. The family gets second class consideration, is taken for granted or ignored. Not saying she is one, just an insight.
 

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Uk1985,

You need to determine what you will accept as acceptable behaviors in your spouse. She sounds like she is a cake-eater and the "you are controlling me" response is telling. She sounds like a covert narcissist, with little regard for your feelings.

Now, as a married man of 38+ years: Going to see strippers is an absolute no-go for either my wife and I. Secondly, girls nights outs and boys nights out, clubbing is also a no-go.

It may be that you and her are fundamentally incompatible as marital partners.

As others have said, ONLY you can determine what is acceptable or unacceptable for you as a husband and father. Only YOU, must determine what battle you want to fight.

I can only tell you how I think. My wife and I have defined moral values on what is and is not acceptable behaviors.
 

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I think we are past the issue of her going to the strippers as a reason to separate, its now become the issue she doesn't care how i feel. If she doesn't see an issue with it shes going to do it regardless. It's about having mutual respect in a relationship and me raising this topic it shows theres no respect for me on her part.

It doesn't matter why they are there, its the fact of going to see them that i disagree with when in a LTR. Something she can't see, doesn't want to see or doesn't care.

As far as marriage, that is the last thing on my mind until we can sort this out and she shows that she can respect me. Why marry someone who has no respect for you?
Sorry I thought you meant her take on the stripper issue.

She says that she does respect me and that i need to trust her and i am trying to control her. She said if she doesn't think something is not an issue shes not going to not do it in case i have a problem. Her example was doesn't want to miss out on GNO and future hen parties in case there is going to be strippers there (this was during the conversation this week so that is why strippers was brought back up).
Doesn't see it as disrespect that she won't agree not to do something because i have a problem, its my problem deal with it type attitude.
I can easy say you have been the most level headed of husbands that has come here with this type issue as many would be out the door over this
I think there is a lot been said in this "She says that she does respect me and that i need to trust her and i am trying to control her" she has reason as so do you but both are staying on your high ground ,
Now I have seen many couples brake marriages over this type issue or less your doing well just need to find the way to lesson to what she is saying and her what your saying
 

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Maybe it is a bit OTT to throw a relationship and family away over going to strippers but if I don't do anything this time, what happens next time she does what she wants with no regard to how i feel about it? Is it worth being in a relationship like that?
As I said, you need to learn to pick which battles are worth fighting over. Fighting on principal will get you nowhere.
 

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Discussion Starter · #147 ·
As I said, you need to learn to pick which battles are worth fighting over. Fighting on principal will get you nowhere.
Maybe need to pick my battles but no I've made an issue out of it and its now showing she has no respect i think the battle has become much bigger. If i stay im just the doormat she can walk all over. If i leave I'll be walking out on my family and 2 young kids and I'll be the ahole.
 

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Discussion Starter · #148 ·
I can easy say you have been the most level headed of husbands that has come here with this type issue as many would be out the door over this
I think there is a lot been said in this "She says that she does respect me and that i need to trust her and i am trying to control her" she has reason as so do you but both are staying on your high ground ,
Now I have seen many couples brake marriages over this type issue or less your doing well just need to find the way to lesson to what she is saying and her what your saying
I want to at least come to common ground on it all. I would rather stay together as a family but im not sure if it is possible unless she changes her attitude towards me or i change my attitude overall and know now no boundaries exists and do as I please, doesn't matter how it will effect her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #149 ·
Uk1985,

You need to determine what you will accept as acceptable behaviors in your spouse. She sounds like she is a cake-eater and the "you are controlling me" response is telling. She sounds like a covert narcissist, with little regard for your feelings.

Now, as a married man of 38+ years: Going to see strippers is an absolute no-go for either my wife and I. Secondly, girls nights outs and boys nights out, clubbing is also a no-go.

It may be that you and her are fundamentally incompatible as marital partners.

As others have said, ONLY you can determine what is acceptable or unacceptable for you as a husband and father. Only YOU, must determine what battle you want to fight.

I can only tell you how I think. My wife and I have defined moral values on what is and is not acceptable behaviors.
I think she may have some of the tendency when I've looked it up, but not sure if she is one totally.
Surely its not much to want respect and compromise in a relationship. Sounds like you have it.

Maybe you're right we are not compatible, maybe now after all this time it is the realisation we are not. Suppose i have to do what is best for me but i also want what is best for the kids and not miss out on seeing them everyday.

No kids involved i would've been gone but it makes the decision even hard and not one to do on a whim to break up a family.
 

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I think she may have some of the tendency when I've looked it up, but not sure if she is one totally.
Surely its not much to want respect and compromise in a relationship. Sounds like you have it.

Maybe you're right we are not compatible, maybe now after all this time it is the realisation we are not. Suppose i have to do what is best for me but i also want what is best for the kids and not miss out on seeing them everyday.

No kids involved i would've been gone but it makes the decision even hard and not one to do on a whim to break up a family.
Look fella, she is just walking on you, with zero consequences. What I am about to say next, is based upon my own moral position.

A wife/mother has no business running around like a single 20 something. I 100% agree with your issue of strippers, etc.

I will illustrate my next point with how I raised my children. I taught my children that there are two types of discipline. External, given by parents, police, employer, etc. This is usually punative and creates resentment. The other type and better IMO, is self-discipline. It appears your lady has little self-discipline or empathy towards you and your joint children. Self-discipline comes from inside, from knowing limitations and being moral and ethical.

Your lady appears to be living her life without consequences. I find it bizarre for her to be encouraged to do this by her mother. I could not imagine going to a strip bar with my dad. What is her mother's relationship history?

There is some truth in that a woman will be like her mother. Ultimately, you need to protect yourself and your children. If my wife, even now after 38 years, dud what yours is doing....she would find herself single and not supported by me, my salary or the security I can provide.
 

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She says that she does respect me and that i need to trust her and i am trying to control her. She said if she doesn't think something is not an issue shes not going to not do it in case i have a problem. Her example was doesn't want to miss out on GNO and future hen parties in case there is going to be strippers there (this was during the conversation this week so that is why strippers was brought back up).
Doesn't see it as disrespect that she won't agree not to do something because i have a problem, its my problem deal with it type attitude.
You need to make sure that she understand that if it is your problem, that you will deal with it. Then you need to go deal with it. If it was me, I would make sure my wife knows that she should not bother coming back, because her behavior is the problem and will be dealt with. Oh wait, my wife already know that so this would not be a problem for us.
 

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Discussion Starter · #152 ·
Look fella, she is just walking on you, with zero consequences. What I am about to say next, is based upon my own moral position.

A wife/mother has no business running around like a single 20 something. I 100% agree with your issue of strippers, etc.

I will illustrate my next point with how I raised my children. I taught my children that there are two types of discipline. External, given by parents, police, employer, etc. This is usually punative and creates resentment. The other type and better IMO, is self-discipline. It appears your lady has little self-discipline or empathy towards you and your joint children. Self-discipline comes from inside, from knowing limitations and being moral and ethical.

Your lady appears to be living her life without consequences. I find it bizarre for her to be encouraged to do this by her mother. I could not imagine going to a strip bar with my dad. What is her mother's relationship history?

There is some truth in that a woman will be like her mother. Ultimately, you need to protect yourself and your children. If my wife, even now after 38 years, dud what yours is doing....she would find herself single and not supported by me, my salary or the security I can provide.
I think its there attitude to life. Nothing serious seems to phase them. Everything ends up being a big joke.

She does act as there is no consequences, and its obvious now she doesn't think I will leave as she is talking about decorating the house and doing stuff after xmas. I'm just agreeing at the minute and not getting involved with the future talk.

Seems easy to leave but its easier said than done when i have been happy with every other aspect of our relationship and family life, up until now. Its a lot to throw away but also exhausting to live out a future of being treat like crap.
 

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Discussion Starter · #153 ·
You need to make sure that she understand that if it is your problem, that you will deal with it. Then you need to go deal with it. If it was me, I would make sure my wife knows that she should not bother coming back, because her behavior is the problem and will be dealt with. Oh wait, my wife already know that so this would not be a problem for us.
Like i say that is all easier said than done and she will just see them as idle threats. I need to have a good think on if it is right for me.
If she goes to this maybe a trial separation would be the best solution so we can both evaluate what we want
 

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Like i say that is all easier said than done and she will just see them as idle threats. I need to have a good think on if it is right for me.
If she goes to this maybe a trial separation would be the best solution so we can both evaluate what we want
a trial separation will end in a for ever separation,
you have kids with this gf if you separate what do you think your input in their life will be , you say your work stops you from taking them now what changes will you make ,
If you stay together what subjects are going to be on the table for that to happen , is marriage going to be on the table
 

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Discussion Starter · #156 ·
a trial separation will end in a for ever separation,
you have kids with this gf if you separate what do you think your input in their life will be , you say your work stops you from taking them now what changes will you make ,
If you stay together what subjects are going to be on the table for that to happen , is marriage going to be on the table
Maybe it will, maybe it'll make her realise im not happy being walk all over. I need to decide if im happy with either of them outcomes happening.

I probably won't have a whole lot of influence in their lives unless my work situation changes as it'll just be weekends. Would have to make the best of the situation i suppose. Then if she got with someone else quickly would i be happy with them being around my kids all the time and not me, especially from such a young age. The lines may get blurred to who is dad.

Marriage was always on the table, looking at rings to propose at the right time because things have been good. Wouldn't have been together so long and had kids if i didnt want to marry her but this has put that well out the window for now. Think a lot needs to be sorted out before we can consider that again.
 

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Maybe it will, maybe it'll make her realise im not happy being walk all over. I need to decide if im happy with either of them outcomes happening.

I probably won't have a whole lot of influence in their lives unless my work situation changes as it'll just be weekends. Would have to make the best of the situation i suppose. Then if she got with someone else quickly would i be happy with them being around my kids all the time and not me, especially from such a young age. The lines may get blurred to who is dad.

Marriage was always on the table, looking at rings to propose at the right time because things have been good. Wouldn't have been together so long and had kids if i didnt want to marry her but this has put that well out the window for now. Think a lot needs to be sorted out before we can consider that again.
I think your looking for reasons why your relationship should not work ,
I would love to get her side of the story , as we know now you are hard working , nice guy , that never looks at porn , every thing is good except your mother of your children has been asked to go to a kind of strip event that we don't know the full extent of what is going to be involved ,

I can't help but wonder if she was reading this topic would she have any idea who this nice guy is
 
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