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Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there as i had seen the post for the show on Facebook. They are trying to tell me its just a drag show when i know its not. It wasn't organised by either of them so I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go) when i mentioned they would be there she just calls me paranoid and huffy.
I thought i had made it clear that i wasn't comfortable with her going to see strippers when we 1st started dating.

Now to me it is a big boundary, as i class it as borderline cheating but this is the 2nd time she has arranged a night to go and see strippers. The 1st one was an obvious strip show amd she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. The night never happened but that was because her friend couldn't make it. I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.

My question is when is best time to bring it up? Wait until its a few days away and mention it or bring it up now and have a possible frosty atmosphere leading up to it, especially if she doesn't cancel going. I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument, probably get called controlling and then she'll bring up times I've done something wrong so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
I don't even know what the consequences would be. If we never had the kids i would've been prepared to walk away but now its not so easy. Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it? Is it worth walking over it as i know a lot of people don't see it as a big deal and will call me pathetic. But every time i think about her going i feel physically sick and start to get overcome by anxiety to the point im shaking. I'm not sure the best way to handle it.
 

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Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there as i had seen the post for the show on Facebook. They are trying to tell me its just a drag show when i know its not. It wasn't organised by either of them so I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go) when i mentioned they would be there she just calls me paranoid and huffy.
I thought i had made it clear that i wasn't comfortable with her going to see strippers when we 1st started dating.

Now to me it is a big boundary, as i class it as borderline cheating but this is the 2nd time she has arranged a night to go and see strippers. The 1st one was an obvious strip show amd she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. The night never happened but that was because her friend couldn't make it. I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.

My question is when is best time to bring it up? Wait until its a few days away and mention it or bring it up now and have a possible frosty atmosphere leading up to it, especially if she doesn't cancel going. I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument, probably get called controlling and then she'll bring up times I've done something wrong so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
I don't even know what the consequences would be. If we never had the kids i would've been prepared to walk away but now its not so easy. Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it? Is it worth walking over it as i know a lot of people don't see it as a big deal and will call me pathetic. But every time i think about her going i feel physically sick and start to get overcome by anxiety to the point im shaking. I'm not sure the best way to handle it.
Welcome to TAM.

You need to be very clear with yourself about how big of a deal this is to you. Be very clear with yourself about what happens if she tells you she’s going anyway, no matter what you think.

If you consider this cheating, then that’s your prerogative. Many might come here and challenge that, but it doesn’t matter. It’s your right to have that boundary.

One you are clear about the issue in your own mind, do not delay ”the talk”. Do not tell her she can’t go, do not try to control her actions. She has a right to go if she wants. And you have a right to not be there when she returns. It’s her choice whether to respect your boundary or not.

But do not make idle threats, you will just look weak and pathetic. If this is really a hard line for you, then enforce it.

Now that I’ve said that, I wonder if there are other reasons that you don’t trust your gf? Is it a self-esteem issue with you or does she have a history of risky behavior or?
 

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Good point by, Diceplayer.
You`re not married and although your girlfriend is the mother of your children, technically she is still a free agent and she has no moral duty to stay loyal to you as would an official wife.
All the OP can do is explain his girlfriend his dissatisfaction of her attending such events.
Any reasons why this couple have not got married?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
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Welcome to TAM.

You need to be very clear with yourself about how big of a deal this is to you. Be very clear with yourself about what happens if she tells you she’s going anyway, no matter what you think.

If you consider this cheating, then that’s your prerogative. Many might come here and challenge that, but it doesn’t matter. It’s your right to have that boundary.

One you are clear about the issue in your own mind, do not delay ”the talk”. Do not tell her she can’t go, do not try to control her actions. She has a right to go if she wants. And you have a right to not be there when she returns. It’s her choice whether to respect your boundary or not.

But do not make idle threats, you will just look weak and pathetic. If this is really a hard line for you, then enforce it.

Now that I’ve said that, I wonder if there are other reasons that you don’t trust your gf? Is it a self-esteem issue with you or does she have a history of risky behavior or?
Thats the issue im having with the consequences as it is something i tgink is a big deal and matters to me even if others dont. But is it big enough to walk away from? What other consequences are they?

It isn't a trust issue, its just what i considered acceptable in a relationship and getting dry humped by a stripper isn't acceptable to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Good point by, Diceplayer.
You`re not married and although your girlfriend is the mother of your children, technically she is still a free agent and she has no moral duty to stay loyal to you as would an official wife.
All the OP can do is explain his girlfriend his dissatisfaction of her attending such events.
Any reasons why this couple have not got married?
Not married but still have boundaries in a relationship. It wouldn't make a difference if we were married as I couldn't control what she does then either, shes still free to do what she wants.
We have lived together 5 years, joint mortgage/bank accounts and got the kids, basically married in all but name. Plus in debt that shelling out for a wedding doesn't seem worthwhile.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I know you don't like it.....But , are you really going to leave your relationship over a drag queen show ?

Do you not trust your wife ?

Has she cheated before ?

Seems pretty extreme to me.
Yeah it seems extreme but I don't know what else i could do to show that its not acceptable or I don't do anything and then its pointless having any boundaries.

Never cheated before but that isnt the issue,more what I'm comfortable with
 

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You need to bring it up now, not sandbag her with it later.

She is the mother of your children & you seem like you are not willing to walk away from this relationship over it. So that leaves you with what options exactly? Very few.

Try being calm. Talk to her. Tell her your views on strip shows that you see them as borderline cheating. I disagree with your assessment & she may too but if it's how you feel you need to tell her in no uncertain terms. Ask why she wants to go. Ask why she thinks it's OK to disrespect you & hurt you. Do not raise your voice or make idle threats. Really listen to her answers. Offer alternatives that you are OK with.

But before you start down this road you have to know in your own heart how far you are prepared to go over this. If you are not willing to walk away there aren't mechanisms by which you can punish undesirable behavior.

What are you going to do if she says that she's going because she is an unmarried woman free to do what she wants? You claim marriage isn't worth the cost but I think you are mixing up marriage with a wedding Two kids & a mortgage later, all the trappings but not of the legal protections, your GF may see things very differently.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
You need to bring it up now, not sandbag her with it later.

She is the mother of your children & you seem like you are not willing to walk away from this relationship over it. So that leaves you with what options exactly? Very few.

Try being calm. Talk to her. Tell her your views on strip shows that you see them as borderline cheating. I disagree with your assessment & she may too but if it's how you feel you need to tell her in no uncertain terms. Ask why she wants to go. Ask why she thinks it's OK to disrespect you & hurt you. Do not raise your voice or make idle threats. Really listen to her answers. Offer alternatives that you are OK with.

But before you start down this road you have to know in your own heart how far you are prepared to go over this. If you are not willing to walk away there aren't mechanisms by which you can punish undesirable behavior.

What are you going to do if she says that she's going because she is an unmarried woman free to do what she wants? You claim marriage isn't worth the cost but I think you are mixing up marriage with a wedding Two kids & a mortgage later, all the trappings but not of the legal protections, your GF may see things very differently.
Once you're married you can't control them to what they do or where they go. You're still in the boat as in a long term commited relationship where it depends if they respect you enough not to do what you find as unreasonable.

Just because we are not married doesn't mean I can't have boundaries I wouldn't like crossed and I would like her respect them. She has her boundaries, one of them is if i start smoking again instead of vaping she'll leave me, might not be that big an issue in other peoples relationships byt to her its important so i respect it. Now she might feel that she doesn't have to respect them as you say that is why she is prepared to go the strippers or she doesn't fully understand that it is a boundary for me.

You're right about talking to her but i dont want it to sound like an ultimatum nor do I want to say it then do nothing if she still goes because then im just a doormat but in truth i dont want to walk away altogether. I'm at a loss really
 

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My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there
So is her mum going with her? (And I assume you mean male strippers?)

And, is it possible her mum is trying to stoke trouble between you? Just a thought.

I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go)
You are a little bit contradicting yourself here. Do you think she doesn't know, or that she does (and is disregarding your preferences)??

Now to me it is a big boundary
That's really NOT what a boundary is. Boundaries are NOT where you try to set rules for what someone else can do. That never works.

she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. .... I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.
Again, this sounds a bit foggy. From what you say, yes you know that she DOES know it's a big deal to you, and is not willing to submit. And that is your issue. What do you do with a partner who's not willing to take account of your feelings about it.

My question is when is best time to bring it up?
Not the most important question.

The important question is why does this mean so much to you that you feel physically sick?
You need to find that out.

I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument
It might depend how you bring it up. Are you afraid of arguments?

so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
Is that how she is? Find out why.

Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it?
To who? To most people, yes, you probably will. I think it would be a big mistake to "walk away" over this, but it sounds like the relationship could use some improvment.

Let me ask you, if she was telling it, what would be her side of the story?
 

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You're not married, there's no commitment, no vows so she can do whatever she wants.
Not quite..

Even if they were married she can choose to do whatever she likes.

Those choices can lead to consequences, however.

Life is all about compromises.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
So is her mum going with her? (And I assume you mean male strippers?)

And, is it possible her mum is trying to stoke trouble between you? Just a thought.


You are a little bit contradicting yourself here. Do you think she doesn't know, or that she does (and is disregarding your preferences)??


That's really NOT what a boundary is. Boundaries are NOT where you try to set rules for what someone else can do. That never works.


Again, this sounds a bit foggy. From what you say, yes you know that she DOES know it's a big deal to you, and is not willing to submit. And that is your issue. What do you do with a partner who's not willing to take account of your feelings about it.


Not the most important question.

The important question is why does this mean so much to you that you feel physically sick?
You need to find that out.


It might depend how you bring it up. Are you afraid of arguments?


Is that how she is? Find out why.


To who? To most people, yes, you probably will. I think it would be a big mistake to "walk away" over this, but it sounds like the relationship could use some improvment.

Let me ask you, if she was telling it, what would be her side of the story?
Never had no issue with her mam so cant imagine it being that. Yes male strippers and her mam is going.

I think she doesn't know that they are going to be strippers there. If she does she is telling me she doesn't as she knows i won't like it and doesn't want me to make an issue of it. I would've thought she knew my take on going to see strippers as it had been mentioned so maybe ive answered my own question that she just doesnt care. I have said before if we were to get married and she had strippers at her hen id call off the wedding, so she should know how i feel.

I think the reason i feel physically sick over it is because i class it as borderline cheating and i get the same response as if i found out she had cheated. The thought of her getting sexually close to another man makes me feel sick, whether its with strippers or fully cheating with PIV.

I don't know how she would describe it but she would probably think i was trying to tell her what to do and that is where she would get stubborn and do the opposite as she doesn't like being told what to do.

Not afraid of an argument but if it becomes an argument it won't solve my problem of telling her im unhappy about her going, it will just be a big argument that will cause resentment and tension in the house.
 

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Just because we are not married doesn't mean I can't have boundaries I wouldn't like crossed and I would like her respect them. She has her boundaries, one of them is if i start smoking again instead of vaping she'll leave me, might not be that big an issue in other peoples relationships byt to her its important so i respect it. Now she might feel that she doesn't have to respect them as you say that is why she is prepared to go the strippers or she doesn't fully understand that it is a boundary for me.
All this boundary talk is a bunch of psycho babble. The way it works is that a person states that, 'if you do this, then my response will be this. It's like when my wife told me that if I grew a beard that she would not kiss me as long as I had it. She didn't tell me that I couldn't grow one, that would be controlling. She just informed me of the consequences. Same with your GF when she told you that if you start smoking, she will leave. She didn't tell you that you can't smoke, she just informed you of the consequences. That's how it works. So you talk to her and tell her what your response will be if she goes to the drag show. Then you do what you say. It's that simple.
 

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Hi all, I'm new, been lurking for about a week looking at advice on old post.
Im 37(m) with 33 GF, been together 6 years and have 2 young daughters 2yr old and 6 months.

My issue is my GF has been invited to a drag show by her mam. I mentioned that they are strippers there as i had seen the post for the show on Facebook. They are trying to tell me its just a drag show when i know its not. It wasn't organised by either of them so I don't know if they realise they are going to be there or just basically lying about it (probably the latter but my GF doesn't really look into what a show is about she just agrees to go) when i mentioned they would be there she just calls me paranoid and huffy.
I thought i had made it clear that i wasn't comfortable with her going to see strippers when we 1st started dating.

Now to me it is a big boundary, as i class it as borderline cheating but this is the 2nd time she has arranged a night to go and see strippers. The 1st one was an obvious strip show amd she knew i wasn't happy, again got called huffy. The night never happened but that was because her friend couldn't make it. I don't know if she knows its a big deal to me or if she even cares.

My question is when is best time to bring it up? Wait until its a few days away and mention it or bring it up now and have a possible frosty atmosphere leading up to it, especially if she doesn't cancel going. I think when i bring it up it will cause an argument, probably get called controlling and then she'll bring up times I've done something wrong so she might get more stubborn to go because she knows how much i dont like it.
I don't even know what the consequences would be. If we never had the kids i would've been prepared to walk away but now its not so easy. Will i look like the bad guy if i walk away over it? Is it worth walking over it as i know a lot of people don't see it as a big deal and will call me pathetic. But every time i think about her going i feel physically sick and start to get overcome by anxiety to the point im shaking. I'm not sure the best way to handle it.
No drag show I've ever been to had strippers. I am all for boundaries but this seems over the top.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
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No drag show I've ever been to had strippers. I am all for boundaries but this seems over the top.
Says on the advertisement, "Male helpers" and 2 warnings that there will be full nudity.
Drag show I wouldn't have a problem with. We went to one on holiday that was all drag and that was a good laugh. This one is a drag artist with strippers.
 

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This really is about the two of you coming to acceptable boundaries. I find it difficult to understand having children with a woman outside of marriage. In my opinion, you have some very leaky boundaries in your relationship already.

My wife and I have firm, mutually agreed to boundaries. We don't go to sex clubs (strippers, etc), we don't go out partying without each other and we do not drink (I used to drink socially until cancer).

You cannot make her follow your rules. What you can do is communicate what your actions are going to be (consequences) if she crosses your boundaries. Frankly, I find it strange fir a mother of young children, regardless of marital status, to behave like a care free 19 year old.
 
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