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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?
 

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Read the newbie link. Look up the wayward spouse instructions and print them off.go over them with her and follow up.
Reconciliation is up to her. The odds are only 50 50 she will be able to do it.
 

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Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Both of you would benefit from reading it. It talks about the kinds of things taht need to be done to repair the marriage, heal from the affair and affair proof your marriage.

It take 2 - 5 years for the betrayed spouse (BS) to heal emotionally from an affair.

reading this might help you understand where she's at...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html#post590281
 

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Give her time. You did the second most horrible thing a spouse can do to another. It will take a long time, may be five years, may be ten years, may be forever for her to forgive you. It will always be a spot on her mind. The least you can do is to not fight and be supportive. Other experienced members will tell you what you can do to ease her pain. Again, you are the person who caused all this and it is you who can make this work (with your wife's help of course).

Understand this, the old marriage is dead. When you cheat, you kill a very precious part of your betrayed spouses heart forever. With enough time and effort may be, just may be, something new and beautiful will grow there. But you have to do the heavy lifting, not her.

The grass is never greener on the other side of the water. The grass is green where we water the grass.
 

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Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?
You can deal with marriage issues but you did the dumbest thing imaginable WITH A MARRIED WOMAN. Not only did you destroy your marriage but the OWs marriage as well.

You seem annoyed that your wife has not totally forgotten about your infidelity after three whole months. Try 2 - 5 years. That is usually how long it takes a marriage to recover from infidelity and that is only if both partners are 100% committed. You don't seem to understand the level of pain you have caused and do not seem very committed to the marriage.

Suggestion. Shut up and take it if you are interested in staying married. It will be a while longer before she can talk without getting emotional and blaming you. If you are not 100% sure you want to stay, then give your wife everything she wants and let her find someone who will not cheat on her.
 

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Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?
Here are my suggestions: you were man enough to do what you did now either put up with it or get the heck out. You never once thought about anyone but yourself during this time so stop your complaining and be Ready to beg and cry.
 

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I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?
I'm going to give you serious advice and I'm not being a smart aleck.

1). Move out but make sure you provide her with enough money to fully support her- even if you have to live in a van. Give her as long as she needs.

2) If the OW was married, send a letter of sincere apology to her husband. See that your wife receives a copy.

3) Offer to your wife anything to hold you accountable- software for your phone, computer... she can keep tabs on you, a polygraph you will pay for at regular intervals...

4) Offer any counseling she would like the two of you to go through- and pay for it fully.

5) Put zero pressure on her to reconcile. It is all about her and fully up to her.

6) Fully expose yourself to family. Take full and 100% accountability for your actions.

This is the very minimum I'd suggest.

Then, if she takes you back and tries to salvage the marriage, devote yourself to her and consider yourself the luckiest bast*** on the planet.
 

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Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?
It's been three months already. You would think she would be over it by now. What does she say when she plays the trump card? Rubs your nose in it? What issues were in your marriage before you hooked up only one time with your ex-girlfriend?
 

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I am the WS (wayward spouse) in my relationship. My husband (DevastatedDad on here) and I are just over 6 months past the day he discovered my physical affair. We have high and lows, and the lows are just as low as they were 6 months ago. He still is not 100% sure he is going to stay with me.

You are in for a really rough ride. Be prepared. Your wife is hurting in ways that you cannot even fathom. I am shocked at the damage and hurt I have brought on my husband.

I second the recommendation for the book "Surviving an Affair." I have read several affair-related books since my affair came to light, and this was the most helpful.

Your wife deserves to feel what she's feeling. If you have even a hint of a chance of healing your marriage, then you must be willing to ride this out with her, do what she asks of you, and be grateful for every day she is with you.
 

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It's been three months already. You would think she would be over it by now. What does she say when she plays the trump card? Rubs your nose in it? What issues were in your marriage before you hooked up only one time with your ex-girlfriend?
It takes years. And even that may not be enough. As to the other stuff, man up. I mean, you certainly deserve it. And that's why I recommend you move out (but fully support her). She needs time to think. Time to decide if she will allow for the possibility of reconciliation.

No offense (and I mean it), but you deserve what you are getting. Either take it with contrition or get out. Again, no offense, but you attitude strikes me like you really don't see at all what damage you have really done. It's easy to see why you betrayed your marriage, wife and family. Perhaps some serious personal therapy may help you.
 

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Trump card? Your very attitude is very telling. You were banging some tart on the side, there's no trump card. She doesn't need one. You are a bad person. The only question is whether you are content with that reality or not. If not, you can change it.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

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I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?
this is the crux of your problem.

YOU may want things to move forward, but it's not about you anymore. the ball is in her court, son. you're gonna have to suck it up and take your medicine. truth is, this is never gonna truly go away..... get that through your head right now.


it's time to be humble and act like a "good" little boy from now on, if you want your marriage to recover. given time, she might ease up on you.


all i can say is- MAN UP!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
wow,,,I have read all the replies, some very helpful especially the link, which i did print out. I came here seeking help, I know I messed up, I have lost 30 pounds since it happened, worst mistake of my life. As far as moving out, I'm looking into that...I know I haven't considered her hurt and feelings enough, and like others before me who have made this mistake ,, yes I want to fix this asap who wouldn't. I think the letter to the husband is a good idea as well.
Problems before for me anyway was her OCD, temper, never been wrong never lost a fight and control. Again , small in comparison but took their toll on me.
 

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How likely is it that she caught you the first and only time you cheated with your ex-girlfriend? Does she find it hard to believe that she got so "lucky" to catch you the very first time?
 

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How does your friend feel that you used his apartment to cheat on your wife? How does your wife feel about your friend letting you use his apartment for cheating? Not too friendly toward the friend?
 
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