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Hi guys.

I have been actively following stories on this site and have learned a lot about marriage.

A big thank you to all the Alphas on this page who are brutally honest and tell it like it is.

Well, to paint a picture about my situation, I am newly married since end of December 2020. My wife and I have been together for 5 years in total and have one child. I love my wife very much and would love to see us work through our issues. I believe in forgiveness.
So here goes.

There was an encounter she once had with a man and I cannot wrap my head around it. This was back when we had been together for about 2 years.

My wife (then girlfriend) kept talking about one particular guy from her church. She would mention his name frequently in passive conversations and would tell me things about his life.

I did not think much of it at first until we had a fight one day and later made up. That same evening, she thought to tell me how this guy had made contact with her, and that they spoke on Whasapp. The guy had a girlfriend, and yet apparently was flirting with my partner. She gave the impression that they spoke in length on that day.

Despite being surprised, I took it lightly that he was flirting with her, as she would always mention how much of a player he was towards his own girlfriend. In hindsight, she seems to have had some unnatural interest in his relationship and would speak about the couple every now and then.

To my surprise (after finding out that the guy was flirting with her on Whatsapp), she added that she had deleted their conversations afterwards. Red flag! But I dismissed it at the time. I did not have any issue with this information and simply set it aside.

Over time, it became apparent that she was still in communication with him. She went as far as telling me how the guy was coming to our city for church and had made continuous flirtatious remarks about wanting to see her. They attend the same church. She then proceeded to say that she only spoke to him in hope to help him fix his relationship with his girlfriend. Claiming that that she was intrigued by their relationship.

Still. I ignored it. Lightly telling her to stop entertaining his flirtation.
Some time later, I realized once more that she was still in contact with him. This was after she mentioned his girlfriend in a joke and made remarks about his girlfriend not liking her. I probed her with questions until I realized that they were still on contact, and this was months later. That is when I got very angry and demanded that she stop talking to him immediately. She objected and fought back. She insisted that they were friends and that there was nothing wrong with talking to him. Saying that she saw nothing wrong with it.

I was shocked that she was fighting to keep this interaction going, but stood my ground and told her to break it off through ultimatums. She agreed.
More months later, I stumble into her phone by mistake and found deliberately hidden texts between them. It seems that she had never broken off contact with the guy and had been texting him over a long period. There was a lot of flirting between them, but with more aggression on the guys side. He made remarks about how sexy she is and how he would definitely **** her. Saying it in this same language. This was ongoing despite her never saying vulgar things to him. It was mostly him, and she would laugh along as they exchanged between words. Her mutual flirtation was definitely present but less aggressive.

I then also saw in the texts that their conversations had become more sexual in tone. She would ask questions about his sex life with his girlfriend, and would go as far as telling him about our sex life and how great it was. Mentioning to him how she had multiple orgasms with me, and him telling her how he made his girl squirt etc. In between these texts would be his remarks about how we wanting to **** her. Making it seem like jokes.

I was devastated. Not only did she lie when saying she will break contact, but she had been deceiving me and talking to him in secret. At times she would text us both while telling me she’s sleepy, only to then come back online and talk to him after I slept. They would talk for hours into the morning. There were also texts there where he had been trying some more to meet with her, but from what I saw in the texts it never happened at that time.

In my pain I broke up with her. She had been lying to me and deliberately chose to keep her relationship with him a secret. All while he made continuous remarks about wanting to **** her. As with all other women, she cried and apologized profusely. Swearing that she would stop immediately.

Out of love for her, I forgave her. For the sake of transparency, she would then tell me stories about him going out of his way to resume communication.

Apparently he went as far as getting his male friends to try and persuade her to talk to him again. She also mentioned How he approached her again in church after she had broke contact, but somehow, my wife does not remember what they spoke about?

This to me had been a bridge of trust, and I have never quite trusted her the same since then. At its worst, I went on to find out that the guy’s girlfriend had been calling out my wife publicly for flirting with her man. Imagine how foolish I looked with my partner being accused of pursuing another man. A man I know was trying by all means to **** her. And with her willingly keeping the relationship a secret.

I still ask to this day what happened there but she claims not to remember what made her do it. Or why she fought so hard to keep their secret relationship. These people would talk about me and the guys girl while joking that we would leave them if we knew their secret communication. It felt embarrassing, for a man to have had that much power over my partner. Basically her choosing to keep him over my feelings.

In conclusion. I started obsessing with tracking her movements and discovered in the process that she is a serial liar. Not only that but she turned out to be a massive porn addict. Bingeing heavily on porn and even denying me sex after masturbating - thinking I do not know what she was doing. I can also confirm that she is the type to deny to the death unless you bring evidence, so it is hard to trust anything she says. She also confirmed once to having flirted with several men on Facebook back in high school. Mentioning in shame that she probably spoke to over 150 guys and was playing them all. Claiming she never met up with any of them. I can confirm that she was still a virgin by the time we had sex many years after this.
To this day, my problem is that I wonder what really happened with the other guy. I question if they secretly had sex at some point but I don’t know how to prove it. They no longer speak now but their relationship matches signs I have seen many times from cheating women on this page.

She claims not to remember much of what happened with him so I can never get a word out of her. Bearing in mind that she has a strong history of lying unless caught.

I should mention also that I still chose to marry her despite knowing all this information. Now I am a paranoid husband who is always wondering what my wife does whenever she is away. I also do not trust her with social media apps considering the history of porn addiction and entertaining countless men.

For the sake of my peace, should I approach the other man to ask directly for details? Just to clear my conscience?
I fear that I can never fully trust her unless I know the true extent of that abnormal friendship.

Do you think they had sex?

Please advise.
Yes
Polygraph.
Why the hell would you marry that?!
 

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You should have her tested for dementia or early Alzheimers because she sure seems to be having trouble remembering things (sarcasm)

Have you ever known a woman to forget anything??

Yeah, me either.

She remembers everything they have ever said or did like it was yesterday. She just doesn't want to tell you and she knows you won't like the answer.
 

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They seem to feel pretty secure in their communication channel and since it mostly sounds like he has been trying to get in her knickers and has been pretty bold about saying that but yet hasn't said anything about them actually doing it, they may not have had an actual physical affair .......... yet.

But here's the catch - she is obviously an attention wh0re and has shown a strong desire to seek and develop sexual attention and tension from various men and she's perfectly content and comfortable in hiding it from you and giving you a song and dance.

If she has not had sex with anyone else YET, the fact that no penis has entered her vagina yet is just a technicality. The question is not if but when.

Cause here's the thing - at some point in all marriages, she is going to feel insecure or lonely or neglected or just simply kinda horny and bored and perhaps even ovulating on a day that you don't happen to be around or maybe you irritated her that morning or somehow didn't make her feel completely fullfilled and validated and all it will take for one of these lotharios to give her the right line or the right wink and nod and wicked little smile and she will cross that line.

If she hasn't cheated yet, which she may very have, you just haven't found that text or email yet, It is just due to circumstance and that she hasn't had the right window of opportunity yet. It's not because of her character or her morals, ethics or values.

She either IS a cheater. Or she is a Cheater-to-be.

And yes, any alpha that is the least bit good looking and has enough game will be able to get her to cross that line.

IF she has been physically faithful thus far, that has been due to circumstance and not due to her character.
 

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I don't know if it's the way I'm wired or whatever ...

I cannot wrap my head around the mentality of guys that want to know EXACTLY what she did or didn't do with the other guy.

Treat it as a f*cking zero sum game.

If you have ample evidence that your partner is a serial liar, gas-lighter, and manipulator, then why WOULDN'T you simply presume that she did whatever that God-awful thing is that is going to be your deal breaker?

Whatever she DID is not nearly as important as what you choose to DO with the information.

Whether she has consistently been online flirting with hundreds of guys, or got wagon trained by 5 ... and lied to you about it; there is no difference in how you should respond.
 

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Sorry for what your girlfriend/wife has done to and really played you @Eddy26
However do you really believe that she all of sudden after all of this time and the extent she went to keep their conversations secret that now she don't remember what they have talked about with each other. Tell her after the way she has lied and deceived you for years how can you believe her when she says nothing physical has ever happened between them. I would tell her the only way you guys can get back to the relationship that you thought you had before you found this out is for her to take a polygraph and that it will tell you if she really doesn't remember what they have been talking about and also if they have ever been phyysical with each other. If she passes you guys can go forward if that is what you want. Heck I would also ask in a poly if they had been any others that you don't know about. Best of luck!
 

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Man knowing all that you knew (all along the way) and you still decided to marry her anyway??

Of course you don't trust her and rightfully so. Yes you could have her take a polygraph, but guess what, it's only going to confirm what you've known all along and ignored and stuck your head in the sand because you didn't want to face it.

She is who she is.
The bigger question is who are you and why are you putting up with all her BS and have been for yrs?

I can't tell you what to do but I know what I would do. I would cut my losses and move on. This lady you call your wife is only going to bring you misery and you've KNOWN it all along but you were too AFRAID to confront it.

You can't change what you won't confront.
 

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Reminds me of my friend and his wife who were extreme church goers. She was cheating on him with the pastor. They kept it hidden for almost 2 years. They would do things together and she would suggest to invite the pastor because he was friends with both of them. They were screwing everywhere they could get away with it - even in the church.

This is going to haunt you for the rest of your life because you will never know the truth or the complete truth. She sounds like cancer.
 

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Hi guys.

I have been actively following stories on this site and have learned a lot about marriage.

A big thank you to all the Alphas on this page who are brutally honest and tell it like it is.

Well, to paint a picture about my situation, I am newly married since end of December 2020. My wife and I have been together for 5 years in total and have one child. I love my wife very much and would love to see us work through our issues. I believe in forgiveness.
So here goes.

There was an encounter she once had with a man and I cannot wrap my head around it. This was back when we had been together for about 2 years.

My wife (then girlfriend) kept talking about one particular guy from her church. She would mention his name frequently in passive conversations and would tell me things about his life.

I did not think much of it at first until we had a fight one day and later made up. That same evening, she thought to tell me how this guy had made contact with her, and that they spoke on Whasapp. The guy had a girlfriend, and yet apparently was flirting with my partner. She gave the impression that they spoke in length on that day.

Despite being surprised, I took it lightly that he was flirting with her, as she would always mention how much of a player he was towards his own girlfriend. In hindsight, she seems to have had some unnatural interest in his relationship and would speak about the couple every now and then.

To my surprise (after finding out that the guy was flirting with her on Whatsapp), she added that she had deleted their conversations afterwards. Red flag! But I dismissed it at the time. I did not have any issue with this information and simply set it aside.

Over time, it became apparent that she was still in communication with him. She went as far as telling me how the guy was coming to our city for church and had made continuous flirtatious remarks about wanting to see her. They attend the same church. She then proceeded to say that she only spoke to him in hope to help him fix his relationship with his girlfriend. Claiming that that she was intrigued by their relationship.

Still. I ignored it. Lightly telling her to stop entertaining his flirtation.
Some time later, I realized once more that she was still in contact with him. This was after she mentioned his girlfriend in a joke and made remarks about his girlfriend not liking her. I probed her with questions until I realized that they were still on contact, and this was months later. That is when I got very angry and demanded that she stop talking to him immediately. She objected and fought back. She insisted that they were friends and that there was nothing wrong with talking to him. Saying that she saw nothing wrong with it.

I was shocked that she was fighting to keep this interaction going, but stood my ground and told her to break it off through ultimatums. She agreed.
More months later, I stumble into her phone by mistake and found deliberately hidden texts between them. It seems that she had never broken off contact with the guy and had been texting him over a long period. There was a lot of flirting between them, but with more aggression on the guys side. He made remarks about how sexy she is and how he would definitely **** her. Saying it in this same language. This was ongoing despite her never saying vulgar things to him. It was mostly him, and she would laugh along as they exchanged between words. Her mutual flirtation was definitely present but less aggressive.

I then also saw in the texts that their conversations had become more sexual in tone. She would ask questions about his sex life with his girlfriend, and would go as far as telling him about our sex life and how great it was. Mentioning to him how she had multiple orgasms with me, and him telling her how he made his girl squirt etc. In between these texts would be his remarks about how we wanting to **** her. Making it seem like jokes.

I was devastated. Not only did she lie when saying she will break contact, but she had been deceiving me and talking to him in secret. At times she would text us both while telling me she’s sleepy, only to then come back online and talk to him after I slept. They would talk for hours into the morning. There were also texts there where he had been trying some more to meet with her, but from what I saw in the texts it never happened at that time.

In my pain I broke up with her. She had been lying to me and deliberately chose to keep her relationship with him a secret. All while he made continuous remarks about wanting to **** her. As with all other women, she cried and apologized profusely. Swearing that she would stop immediately.

Out of love for her, I forgave her. For the sake of transparency, she would then tell me stories about him going out of his way to resume communication.

Apparently he went as far as getting his male friends to try and persuade her to talk to him again. She also mentioned How he approached her again in church after she had broke contact, but somehow, my wife does not remember what they spoke about?

This to me had been a bridge of trust, and I have never quite trusted her the same since then. At its worst, I went on to find out that the guy’s girlfriend had been calling out my wife publicly for flirting with her man. Imagine how foolish I looked with my partner being accused of pursuing another man. A man I know was trying by all means to **** her. And with her willingly keeping the relationship a secret.

I still ask to this day what happened there but she claims not to remember what made her do it. Or why she fought so hard to keep their secret relationship. These people would talk about me and the guys girl while joking that we would leave them if we knew their secret communication. It felt embarrassing, for a man to have had that much power over my partner. Basically her choosing to keep him over my feelings.

In conclusion. I started obsessing with tracking her movements and discovered in the process that she is a serial liar. Not only that but she turned out to be a massive porn addict. Bingeing heavily on porn and even denying me sex after masturbating - thinking I do not know what she was doing. I can also confirm that she is the type to deny to the death unless you bring evidence, so it is hard to trust anything she says. She also confirmed once to having flirted with several men on Facebook back in high school. Mentioning in shame that she probably spoke to over 150 guys and was playing them all. Claiming she never met up with any of them. I can confirm that she was still a virgin by the time we had sex many years after this.
To this day, my problem is that I wonder what really happened with the other guy. I question if they secretly had sex at some point but I don’t know how to prove it. They no longer speak now but their relationship matches signs I have seen many times from cheating women on this page.

She claims not to remember much of what happened with him so I can never get a word out of her. Bearing in mind that she has a strong history of lying unless caught.

I should mention also that I still chose to marry her despite knowing all this information. Now I am a paranoid husband who is always wondering what my wife does whenever she is away. I also do not trust her with social media apps considering the history of porn addiction and entertaining countless men.

For the sake of my peace, should I approach the other man to ask directly for details? Just to clear my conscience?
I fear that I can never fully trust her unless I know the true extent of that abnormal friendship.

Do you think they had sex?

Please advise.
Dude. 😳
 

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This was past when you married her, so I would try to put it in the past now.
F*** that. Married or not, she cheated on him, one way or the other.

And her current actions, porn addiction, masturbating alot then denying him sex, tells me she hasn't changed and is dreaming of getting strange.

There is NO WAY the OP should leave this in the past. Her devious actions are still happening.

@Eddy26 I don't know really what to tell you. You simply have married someone you shouldn't have. I can see there is no way this marriage will survive, and the only bright side is you have only one kid. Again, not sure what to tell you as I'm sure you aren't wanting to think about divorce being a possibility.

But one thing is for sure IMO based on experience. Someone like your wife, if given the perfect opportunity, WILL cheat if she thinks you won't find out.
 

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F*** that. Married or not, she cheated on him, one way or the other.

And her current actions, porn addiction, masturbating alot then denying him sex, tells me she hasn't changed and is dreaming of getting strange.

There is NO WAY the OP should leave this in the past. Her devious actions are still happening.

@Eddy26 I don't know really what to tell you. You simply have married someone you shouldn't have. I can see there is no way this marriage will survive, and the only bright side is you have only one kid. Again, not sure what to tell you as I'm sure you aren't wanting to think about divorce being a possibility.

But one thing is for sure IMO based on experience. Someone like your wife, if given the perfect opportunity, WILL cheat if she thinks you won't find out.
Won’t take a perfect opportunity
 

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Hi Eddy, I think they realised the gig is up and stopped. Most likely the guy's girlfriend found out and went through his phone and he dropped it due to an ultimatum on his end. If your wife had broken it off it would have stopped long ago. You had to hear "on the grape-vine" that his gf was pissed at your wife for her pursuing her guy. By the time you heard it could have been quite big news in your social circle and there may be more people know that you don't know. His gf probably shamed them, making it in their self-interest to stop. It's also possible he got sick of being led on for years like all those guys who wasted their time on "the virgin".

After that argument you mentioned she felt she had to elevate herself in the relationship by getting validation from another man. I doubt they had sex but when people are sharing details like you mentioned he clearly wanted to. I doubt she had sex with him (seems more of a tease) but if she did and she was a virgin when she met you it would be because she wanted to try another D even if you give her multiple O's per session it doesn't matter - they get bored very easily in the bedroom and need those feels of validation far more than the sex. So rather than focus on sex, focus on the emotional content of the relationship.

I assume you know about her porn addiction and preference for masturbating rather than sleep with you through probably tracking tools and cameras but otherwise try not to assume anything and compile evidence. This perhaps shows she is punishing you or doesn't want that with you and/or a real curiosity to explore that side of her life more. I think you could probably fix all this by changing focus, you need a reset. You either have to go full romance and play her back and encourage her sensuality or have to start prepping for divorce because she's gonna go elsewhere, either way continue to gather evidence and just try be real cool about it. Those guys who can keep their head cope better and it will help things later.
 

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Discussion Starter · #36 ·
Hi Eddy, I think they realised the gig is up and stopped. Most likely the guy's girlfriend found out and went through his phone and he dropped it due to an ultimatum on his end. If your wife had broken it off it would have stopped long ago. You had to hear "on the grape-vine" that his gf was pissed at your wife for her pursuing her guy. By the time you heard it could have been quite big news in your social circle and there may be more people know that you don't know. His gf probably shamed them, making it in their self-interest to stop. It's also possible he got sick of being led on for years like all those guys who wasted their time on "the virgin".

After that argument you mentioned she felt she had to elevate herself in the relationship by getting validation from another man. I doubt they had sex but when people are sharing details like you mentioned he clearly wanted to. I doubt she had sex with him (seems more of a tease) but if she did and she was a virgin when she met you it would be because she wanted to try another D even if you give her multiple O's per session it doesn't matter - they get bored very easily in the bedroom and need those feels of validation far more than the sex. So rather than focus on sex, focus on the emotional content of the relationship.

I assume you know about her porn addiction and preference for masturbating rather than sleep with you through probably tracking tools and cameras but otherwise try not to assume anything and compile evidence. This perhaps shows she is punishing you or doesn't want that with you and/or a real curiosity to explore that side of her life more. I think you could probably fix all this by changing focus, you need a reset. You either have to go full romance and play her back and encourage her sensuality or have to start prepping for divorce because she's gonna go elsewhere, either way continue to gather evidence and just try be real cool about it. Those guys who can keep their head cope better and it will help things later.
This has been the most helpful advice. Thank you very much for this.
 

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You married a woman who for two years carried on an emotional affair (at the least) with another guy and fathered a child with her. Now, you want to sort this?

You can't call her a lemon and return her. You knew, you knew, you knew!

Has anyone suggested you DNA the child, yet?
 

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hmmmm. you were not married to her. a LOT of people have doubts about getting married, and they sometimes act those doubts out by flirting with others and thinking what else could possibly be.
i would not think too much of it. Unless there was some evidence of her actually hooking up with this guy before you married and then lying about it, i would personally try to let it all slide on past.
If they were engaged it was cheating
 

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OP,

You said you love her. I get that, love is a good thing.

However, love is not enough, it never has been and it never will be.

I'm not saying you shouldn't love her, but quit thinking about all of this through the lens of love because it has nothing to do with this, at all.

So, she's done with this particular man as his gf likely found out.

There will be another man she'll start this up with again in the future and they may end up having sex or worse as she might leave you for him.

If that doesn't happen, she'll end it with him and find another man.

At some point the lid will really be blown off of this thing.

My larger point is that you shouldn't just be looking at this and her with just this particular other man.

This goes beyond that, to who and what she is, to her character (or lack of it).

Play this out 2 or 5 years from now.

I know what you HOPE it will be like, but hope isn't a plan, it never has been and it never will be.

You need to take off your rose colored glasses and look at and deal with reality about her, about who and what she is and decide if you want to remain on the roller coaster with her like this for years and years because while there might be some highs with her, there will be many more low points that are incredibly painful for you.

Last but not least, look at all you do through the lens of your child.

Do what you need to do to ensure that the environment for your child is as good as it can be. Since I don't know any of you, I can't say that means you should leave or if you should stay.

Keep this in mind though. If you think things are worth staying for right now, it does not mean they'll stay that way. Who knows what things might be like two years from now. Why am I saying this? If you can't leave right now for reasons, say money, begin working on that. Create and make an exit plan. Just having one doesn't mean you need to leave, but it's great to have one if this all goes south for you in a few years.

Your goal shouldn't just be to make it through this. The goal needs to be for both of you to come together as a team and for both of you to pull on the rope together in your marriage.

If that isn't happening, you really need to have another plan.

Sorry and good luck.
 

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hmmmm. you were not married to her. a LOT of people have doubts about getting married, and they sometimes act those doubts out by flirting with others and thinking what else could possibly be.
i would not think too much of it. Unless there was some evidence of her actually hooking up with this guy before you married and then lying about it, i would personally try to let it all slide on past.
Still cheating.
 
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