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Hi guys.

I have been actively following stories on this site and have learned a lot about marriage.

A big thank you to all the Alphas on this page who are brutally honest and tell it like it is.

Well, to paint a picture about my situation, I am newly married since end of December 2020. My wife and I have been together for 5 years in total and have one child. I love my wife very much and would love to see us work through our issues. I believe in forgiveness.
So here goes.

There was an encounter she once had with a man and I cannot wrap my head around it. This was back when we had been together for about 2 years.

My wife (then girlfriend) kept talking about one particular guy from her church. She would mention his name frequently in passive conversations and would tell me things about his life.

I did not think much of it at first until we had a fight one day and later made up. That same evening, she thought to tell me how this guy had made contact with her, and that they spoke on Whasapp. The guy had a girlfriend, and yet apparently was flirting with my partner. She gave the impression that they spoke in length on that day.

Despite being surprised, I took it lightly that he was flirting with her, as she would always mention how much of a player he was towards his own girlfriend. In hindsight, she seems to have had some unnatural interest in his relationship and would speak about the couple every now and then.

To my surprise (after finding out that the guy was flirting with her on Whatsapp), she added that she had deleted their conversations afterwards. Red flag! But I dismissed it at the time. I did not have any issue with this information and simply set it aside.

Over time, it became apparent that she was still in communication with him. She went as far as telling me how the guy was coming to our city for church and had made continuous flirtatious remarks about wanting to see her. They attend the same church. She then proceeded to say that she only spoke to him in hope to help him fix his relationship with his girlfriend. Claiming that that she was intrigued by their relationship.

Still. I ignored it. Lightly telling her to stop entertaining his flirtation.
Some time later, I realized once more that she was still in contact with him. This was after she mentioned his girlfriend in a joke and made remarks about his girlfriend not liking her. I probed her with questions until I realized that they were still on contact, and this was months later. That is when I got very angry and demanded that she stop talking to him immediately. She objected and fought back. She insisted that they were friends and that there was nothing wrong with talking to him. Saying that she saw nothing wrong with it.

I was shocked that she was fighting to keep this interaction going, but stood my ground and told her to break it off through ultimatums. She agreed.
More months later, I stumble into her phone by mistake and found deliberately hidden texts between them. It seems that she had never broken off contact with the guy and had been texting him over a long period. There was a lot of flirting between them, but with more aggression on the guys side. He made remarks about how sexy she is and how he would definitely **** her. Saying it in this same language. This was ongoing despite her never saying vulgar things to him. It was mostly him, and she would laugh along as they exchanged between words. Her mutual flirtation was definitely present but less aggressive.

I then also saw in the texts that their conversations had become more sexual in tone. She would ask questions about his sex life with his girlfriend, and would go as far as telling him about our sex life and how great it was. Mentioning to him how she had multiple orgasms with me, and him telling her how he made his girl squirt etc. In between these texts would be his remarks about how we wanting to **** her. Making it seem like jokes.

I was devastated. Not only did she lie when saying she will break contact, but she had been deceiving me and talking to him in secret. At times she would text us both while telling me she’s sleepy, only to then come back online and talk to him after I slept. They would talk for hours into the morning. There were also texts there where he had been trying some more to meet with her, but from what I saw in the texts it never happened at that time.

In my pain I broke up with her. She had been lying to me and deliberately chose to keep her relationship with him a secret. All while he made continuous remarks about wanting to **** her. As with all other women, she cried and apologized profusely. Swearing that she would stop immediately.

Out of love for her, I forgave her. For the sake of transparency, she would then tell me stories about him going out of his way to resume communication.

Apparently he went as far as getting his male friends to try and persuade her to talk to him again. She also mentioned How he approached her again in church after she had broke contact, but somehow, my wife does not remember what they spoke about?

This to me had been a bridge of trust, and I have never quite trusted her the same since then. At its worst, I went on to find out that the guy’s girlfriend had been calling out my wife publicly for flirting with her man. Imagine how foolish I looked with my partner being accused of pursuing another man. A man I know was trying by all means to **** her. And with her willingly keeping the relationship a secret.

I still ask to this day what happened there but she claims not to remember what made her do it. Or why she fought so hard to keep their secret relationship. These people would talk about me and the guys girl while joking that we would leave them if we knew their secret communication. It felt embarrassing, for a man to have had that much power over my partner. Basically her choosing to keep him over my feelings.

In conclusion. I started obsessing with tracking her movements and discovered in the process that she is a serial liar. Not only that but she turned out to be a massive porn addict. Bingeing heavily on porn and even denying me sex after masturbating - thinking I do not know what she was doing. I can also confirm that she is the type to deny to the death unless you bring evidence, so it is hard to trust anything she says. She also confirmed once to having flirted with several men on Facebook back in high school. Mentioning in shame that she probably spoke to over 150 guys and was playing them all. Claiming she never met up with any of them. I can confirm that she was still a virgin by the time we had sex many years after this.
To this day, my problem is that I wonder what really happened with the other guy. I question if they secretly had sex at some point but I don’t know how to prove it. They no longer speak now but their relationship matches signs I have seen many times from cheating women on this page.

She claims not to remember much of what happened with him so I can never get a word out of her. Bearing in mind that she has a strong history of lying unless caught.

I should mention also that I still chose to marry her despite knowing all this information. Now I am a paranoid husband who is always wondering what my wife does whenever she is away. I also do not trust her with social media apps considering the history of porn addiction and entertaining countless men.

For the sake of my peace, should I approach the other man to ask directly for details? Just to clear my conscience?
I fear that I can never fully trust her unless I know the true extent of that abnormal friendship.

Do you think they had sex?

Please advise.
 

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You accepted the fact that your then girlfriend was sneaking around behind your back with this guy. You kept telling yourself that it was all online. Finally the clouds have cleared in your brain and you realise who you married, a liar and a cheat.
It’s called buyers remorse.
 

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hmmmm. you were not married to her. a LOT of people have doubts about getting married, and they sometimes act those doubts out by flirting with others and thinking what else could possibly be.
i would not think too much of it. Unless there was some evidence of her actually hooking up with this guy before you married and then lying about it, i would personally try to let it all slide on past.
 

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This was past when you married her, so I would try to put it in the past now. Going forward, she doesn't need whatsapp or other strictly communicative type apps on her phone. You should agree to look at each other's phones regularly. And if she still goes to the church this guy attends, it is time for a change. You just have to move forward unless you discover betrayal or cheating since your marriage.
 

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You can try to get details from the other man but that will likely backfire.

He will lie. He will probably laugh in your face. He has no reason to tell you anything especially if he has any desire to come back to her for more. He does not respect you much less fear you.

Apparently he went as far as getting his male friends to try and persuade her to talk to him again. She also mentioned How he approached her again in church

For the sake of your peace perhaps you should consider leaving her or getting used to a one sided open relationship.

discovered in the process that she is a serial liar. Not only that but she turned out to be a massive porn addict.

She also confirmed once to having flirted with several men on Facebook back in high school. Mentioning in shame that she probably spoke to over 150 guys and was playing them all.


You will find the full time job of policing your wayward wife's behavior exhausting and miserable. It may even break you mentally.

Schedule a polygraph for your wife without her knowledge so she has no time to prepare to attempt to fool one. This is probably as close to the truth you will get.

Adults have unprotected sex. You should assume that is exactly what your wife/gf did. Adults don't go to the same lengths just to hold hands in secret.
 

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Welcome @Eddy26 , I am sorry about what brought you here, but this is a font of experience and knowledge that has the ability to guide you.

First of all a question. Were your wife and the other man ever alone together in a place where they had the privacy to have sex?

They were definitely in an emotional affair and opportunity + emotions = sex. Especially when the relationship is elicit in nature and their hormones were charged by the flirting as they were.

Out of curiosity, why did you marry her with these doubts in your mind? There is nowhere for such doubts to go but fester until they are proven either way to be true or false and such festering fear and concern in and of itself is enough to scuttle a marriage.

At this point the only way to allay this disaster is to either accept that they did indeed have sex and make peace with it (an action I myself would be incapable of) or finding out the truth beyond any reasonable doubt.

Unfortunately church-boy is a very bad source for possible truth as he is covering for himself as much as he is for her. We are both in South-Africa, if you are near a big metropolitan center, finding Polygraph services is not really difficult. I'm afraid that having her take a polygraph to address your (by now monstrous) fear and mistrust is the only logical direct step that I can suggest at this stage.

Another approach is to mention this guy and your misgiving to her, hinting to knowing more and leaning to a direction of limbo in the marriage enough for it to start weighing on her mind. Using a [V]oice [A]ctivated [R]ecorder (hidden where she makes phone calls) and possibly spy software on her phone find out what she tells her friends about this guy. Women would often be more than candid with their friends and tell them exactly what you want to know.

Again, I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here and the fact that I have to all but guarantee you that if they had the opportunity, they definitely had sex.

Good luck to you and I hope I'm wrong, but the chances of that is slim at best.
 

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At the very least she was loving it. She hid it. She was lying about it.
She kept going on no matter what, no matter what you said and what you did.
It's time to seriously question this woman's commitment to your M.
We do know this: she is very committed to him.
Even after he propositioned ffffing her straight up in that language.
If she was real, that should have been it, the very first time it happened.
She's keeping her options open. Not what she said in the vows, at all.
 

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This was a game to her. A competition she set up between you and OM in order to see who would be more assertive in proving his worthiness for her affections. You won, if you want to call it that, most likely due to the OM losing interest or not having enough game to make it worthwhile for her to dump you for him. She reveled in the attention of two men, where one, OM, was fully aware from the start that he was competing for her, while the other, you, was not cognizant of what was happening.
 

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Tell her you want her to take a lie detector test. See what her reaction is.
The thing is that even if they didn't have sex they were still cheating in other ways.
If they were both at the same church I would have gone to see their pastor and told him what was going on.
 

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I doubt she has ever physically cheated.
So far...

She apparently does not want to or need to.
She gets off by looking at porn, and by reading other men's dirty messages, likely masturbating at the same time.

She is a fantasy cheat.
She did this on Facebook, you said, with ~150 men.
She enjoys the thought, not the actual thing.

Her saying to the OM that you give her orgasms, aplenty, serves to two purposes:

1) It shows that she is not sex-needy, don't get your hopes up.
2) It forced the OM to up the sex-ante with better doings, himself.

She is a tease, a ****-tease.
The internet has its share of woman like this.

Not so much, the men.
Men play for keeps and for the real thing to hopefully occur and for actual sex to come about..



Are Dee-
 
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You've made some bad decisions my friend.

Approaching the other man and expecting honest answers is yet another.

Expecting to ever get the full truth out of her, or suddenly expecting honesty going forward is not reasonable.

Now you're stuck because of the worst decision of all- to enter a lifetime commitment with her.

Either end it sooner and leave her and all the doubts behind you once and for all or life your life with continued uncertainty and all the stress that goes with it. There's a good chance that things will ultimately collapse anyway. Better now, rather than when you have children and shared assets.
 

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You've made some bad decisions my friend.

Approaching the other man and expecting honest answers is yet another.

Expecting to ever get the full truth out of her, or suddenly expecting honesty going forward is not reasonable.

Now you're stuck because of the worst decision of all- to enter a lifetime commitment with her.

Either end it sooner and leave her and all the doubts behind you once and for all or life your life with continued uncertainty and all the stress that goes with it. There's a good chance that things will ultimately collapse anyway. Better now, rather than when you have children and shared assets.
He said they have a child.
 

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All I can say is that you continuously chose to ignore the big elephant in the room and married her anyways. So, now that things had settled down and you're starting to reflect on your own passiveness about it by shifting the blame on her when in reality it was all your doing by your acceptance of it whether consciously or unconsciously.

1.You only have two choices: Put up and shut up if you want to continue marry to her.
2. If you cannot longer put up with it, then DIVORCE because that's basically the only solution to the problem, because regardless if she were to ever say the truth, you wouldn't believe her anyway. The doubts will be always in your head. That's not a way to live your life, child or no child in the equation.
 

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This is the consequence of a rugsweep situation, they always come back to haunt you later.

I don't really draw a difference between married vs committed relationship prior to marriage... some on here seem to insuate this type of behavior is ok if it happened before marriage.... but there is no difference.

I understand the need to try to figure out what really happened. I think your two options are to try to pull up deleted info from the phone she had around that time (dr. fone) or threaten a poly and try to get a parking lot confession (I wouldn't even bother with actually doing a poly).

The fact that she is a serial liar, you may want to cut your losses....
 

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Eddy, based on the messages between these two, it doesn't sound like he ** her. Nothing in the text indicates that. Of course he wanted to. Some of the guys here, giving you advice, probably would **** her if they wouldn't get discovered. So would some of your friends and guys around the neighborhood.
Don't talk to the wantabee lover boy. You'll look like a real stooge and you couldn't believe anything he sez anyway. That said, your wife sounds like a real attention junkie. Ain't no sure fire way to deal with that. She's like an alcoholic in a liquor store. You can only set your limits and be prepared to walk if she doesnt clean up her act.
 
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