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I have been lurking for a couple months (since I discovered my wife's EA+PA affair), and figured it was time I shared my story. I'll try and keep it short.

Married for 6, together for 11, toddler son. We had been in a rut, typical "focus on the child, while ignoring the marriage" stuff, with some verbal spats whenever our built up resentments boiled over - but nothing too bad. Mostly a happy life, both have good jobs, great family & friends, blah blah blah.

I had been ignoring subtle signs for a while, until one night I became suspicious and checked her phone, found some emails between her and her co-worker AP. Cue spinning room, stomach pain, nausea, etc. She was asleep upstairs at the time, I spent the whole night (couldn't sleep) researching stuff on the web (which is when I found this site)

I followed some of the advice, but looking back, I clearly didn't follow enough of it.

Two days later I confronted, mentioned seeing some emails, she confessed, was in shock, instantly agreed to end the affair, and to try and save our marriage/family.

The AP's story matches ours (married, toddler, marriage in a rut).

We start having talks about two nights a week where she answers anything I ask about the affair. We both start IC, and things SEEM to be following the path towards reconciliation.

Except I keep finding out stuff. To keep this from rambling, here are the highlights:

* They kept up the EA for another 3+ weeks.
* Caught her in his car in a random parking lot 5 min from their office (2 weeks after d-day), she says they were just saying their final goodbye.
* Casual private conversations at work, which she would initially lie about having talked to him, until a week or two later she'd tell me about it.
* According to her, she hasn't had any contact since 1 month after d-day.
* According to her, it has now been over a week since the last time she lied to me (yeah, I realize how absurd that sentence is).

After I learned that the entire month of December she had still been lying about various details (mostly small stuff) I realized we hadn't really made any meaningful progress since d-day (other than the EA which ended 3 weeks later).

I have confirmed via various methods (some mine, some she willingly granted) that the affair is over, EXCEPT for what could potentially happen at the office - that is their one safe place. He works remotely most of the time, and as far as I can tell nothing is going on there... but I have no way of verifying that.

My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point, and also I would feel guilty putting the OMW (who I don't know, and they live ~2 hours away) through what I was going through, especially since it all happened right before the holiday season.

She is adamant that she wants to fix our marriage, and that it's over with him. But they still work together, with jobs that would be difficult to simply walk away from.

I'm on the fence with whether I can ever get past this. I go back & forth about getting back in contact w/ my lawyer (who I met w/ the first week) and filing papers. At this point we're trying to find a good MC, and that is my last hope (although from stories I've read here, not sure how much hope I should hold out).

I'll leave it at that. Feel free to ask about anything I glossed over or left out, or to offer any advice you have.

Thanks for reading.
 

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She is adamant that she wants to fix our marriage, and that it's over with him. But they still work together, with jobs that would be difficult to simply walk away from.
Until she leaves that job, you are not in recovery, but an active affair. You have NO chance as long as she is there.

If you go to marriage counseling while she is still in that job and in contact with the POS then it will be disastrous. Don't even think about it.

She needs an ultimatum:

1) Leave the job
or
2) Leave the marriage

There's no other way.

Sorry
 

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If your wife is lying to you there is no chance of reconciliation. She has to stop lying. How? You will get lots of advice here. For one thing, she has to end all contact with the OM. I personally think that you SHOULD contact the OMW. Your wife needs to write a NC letter to the OM and let you read it. It might even mean that one of them quit their job if they're serious.

Your wife has to understand what she is putting you and your son through. She is cheating on both of you. She has to show remorse and work on rebuilding trust. She cannot do that while she is lying.


You'll get more and better advice from others - but good luck.
 

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As far as the OMW...would you want her to tell you if she knew? You are not causing her pain, sure it will be painful to know but you might be her saving grace. Maybe she already thinks something and just cant prove it because she lives 2 hours away and cant "follow" him?!
 

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Revenge?
Nonsense. If you want to remain married, you can't rely on her goodwill or her word. Not his either.

As long as they have each other's email addys, work phone ext, conferences, company parties, etc your marriage will remain in hot water and continue dripping away a drop at a time.

Is it a dealbreaker if they have had sex? Because the likelihood is better than 50/50 - no matter what she says or how "well you know her". Because it's obvious you didn't know her well enough.

She's very adept at lying to you. She and her BF in a car ummm "saying goodbye"? And you believed this? She must be in sales and making a fortune if her ability with you is any indication.

You need to do two things almost immediately if you want to salvage your marriage:
1. Tell her BF's wife. Tell her all that you know. The car meet included. Tell her you are making her aware because your wife and her H have promised that the affair has ended. Ask her if she was aware and if she is willing to let you know if anything shady occurs henceforth. Offer to do the same if she wants.

2. Tell your wife to write out a detailed explanation (a timeline) of the affair. EVERY thing. Nothing left out. Tell her this is her ONE chance. Anything you find out later will result in divorce. After she writes it out tell her you want her to verify her veracity by agreeing to a polygraph.

If she resists the test it's because she was not truthful about the affair.

They may have agreed to put their affair on hold for a few months. It's a common ploy by dedicated "soulmates" or dedicated "cheaters". Any your wife has proven herself to be one.
 

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They cannot work for the same company. If she wants to work on the marriage she has to quit. Also expose if you do not he will be back fishing in a few months.

When you expose he will call your wife. She will blow up, because she wants to protect him. Still has feelingf for him. It will be a bad couple of days but you have to do it.

Also tell your parents and hers. It is going to hurt both of you but it has to be done.

I waited and did not expose and it caused the extra pain you are having and will have more of. Get it done it is like pulling off a bandage

She needs to know you are an Alpha male and not going to take crap like this.
 

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They cannot work for the same company. If she wants to work on the marriage she has to quit. Also expose if you do not he will be back fishing in a few months.

When you expose he will call your wife. She will blow up, because she wants to protect him. Still has feelingf for him. It will be a bad couple of days but you have to do it.

Also tell your parents and hers. It is going to hurt both of you but it has to be done.

I waited and did not expose and it caused the extra pain you are having and will have more of. Get it done it is like pulling off a bandage

She needs to know you are an Alpha male and not going to take crap like this.
Until the bold statement above is addressed your thread title should be changed from (wife cheated) to (wife is cheating). It's almost a certainty.
 

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My biggest regret is that I didn't contact the OMW right off the bat. That probably would have ended the EA that they dragged on. I still haven't contacted her... I'm afraid it would mostly be out of revenge at this point, and also I would feel guilty putting the OMW (who I don't know, and they live ~2 hours away) through what I was going through, especially since it all happened right before the holiday season.
I WISH my wife's OM were married, I'd call his wife in a hot second. Remember men tend not to leave their wives after an affair - letting her know is likely to kill it!

And don't feel guilty about letting her know - feel guilty about allowing her husband to continue cheating on her. If you didn't know about the affair, wouldn't you want her to tell you?

Tell her tell her tell her!!!
 

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MC will tell you to forget about exposure. It's a preventive damage control tactic rationalized and sold with a bunch of guilt trips.
Completely ignore the whole thing.
Exoose to BW.

The job. It may be hard to walk away from it. Still unconfortable is not unable. Divorce can be worse, ling term consequences. What are her priorities? Did she ever think about putting her resume elsewere?
I'm sure MC will confirm itr's not necessary.
Did you shop that MC? Asked him/her about how to aproach this situation?
 

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Is that job of hers worth more then this marriage?

Don't you think those warm fuzzy feely keep coming back every time they run into each other at work?

If it was you that was in the dark would you want OMW to call and tell you, what would you think if you found out that OMW know but didn't tell you?
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I've read enough of these threads to know that I'd get a lot of comments advocating for exposure, and also about them working together.

She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.

Plus, my lawyer recommended against that, as if I do file for divorce, her leaving that job would almost certainly mean me paying alimony and/or child support. She makes close enough to my salary now that I'd be in the clear, but she would most likely take a significant pay cut (at least in the short term) if she left.
 

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Is that job of hers worth more then this marriage?

Don't you think those warm fuzzy feely keep coming back every time they run into each other at work?

If it was you that was in the dark would you want OMW to call and tell you, what would you think if you found out that OMW know but didn't tell you?
You answered your own question you should call the omw today and fill her in she has a right to know and it's the right thing to do.
 

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Your lawyer is looking out for your legal rights. That's great. That's what he should do. I advocate seeing a lawyer immediately to find out what your rights and responsibilities are.

However, your lawyer has no obligation or legal interest in saving your marriage. So, if you are determined to divorce - then absolutely, she stays.

But if you want to the marriage to go forward, it can't really do that with all the means available for normal interactions. I work at a company that has over 1000 employees.

Video conferences, team building meetings, business conferences - all these events and many more bring people from outside the main office together. Or it gives them an opportunity to do so.

Email, phone ext, easy draws too. Even if the intent was to break it off these incidental meetings can rekindle via "absence makes the heart ..." What's wrong with her floating her resume around? If she's any good she is bound to find something close to what she has now - or even better than she has now.

But that's only one part of resolving the issues in your marriage. You need to know ALL that occurred and be able to verify it.

If you're not going to do anything except accept her word that she 'won't lie on Tuesdays' then you may as well file that divorce petition and save yourself a bunch of heartache.
 

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Rimis, question for you...Can you handle your wife still working there? if you want to stay married, even if they work in different parts of the company.
She effed a guy she works and still has contact with him :wtf:
Even if the affair is over...:banghead:

If your going to just divorce, go with your atty's advise
 

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I've read enough of these threads to know that I'd get a lot of comments advocating for exposure, and also about them working together.

She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.

Plus, my lawyer recommended against that, as if I do file for divorce, her leaving that job would almost certainly mean me paying alimony and/or child support. She makes close enough to my salary now that I'd be in the clear, but she would most likely take a significant pay cut (at least in the short term) if she left.
There are different ways to do an exposure. You can word it to be more about him than her, especially since you are still married and undecided about divorce. Just saying.
 

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As far as the OMW...would you want her to tell you if she knew?
I've asked myself that question over and over again, and while I'm pretty sure the answer is 'yes' - I can't speak for her. Which, yes, I realize I am doing that in a way by NOT telling her.

you might be her saving grace. Maybe she already thinks something and just cant prove it
That is a really good point that I hadn't considered.
 

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I'm on the fence with whether I can ever get past this.
You can't get "past" something until you know where it ends, and in your case, you don't know that yet.

But, assuming you reach the point where the affair has stopped, then no, In my opinion, you never get over what the spouse did, you just build up a callous on that part of your memory so it isn't as sensitive as it was before, some people can do it, others can't, I personally couldn't, and wouldn't want to try. The trying part is probably worse than the discovery; it's prolonged torture.

T
 

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She works at a great company, about 200 people, her and her AP do not actually work "together" (different parts of the company), so for all of those saying "working there = affair continuing" I think you're making a HUGE leap. Yes, it COULD be true, I acknowledge that, but to ASSUME it still is I think is a big stretch.
Why is it a big strech? They have both repeatedly lied and continued the affair despite assuring you that they would stop. You now think that it ended three weeks ago, but have given no real reason as to why you should trust them. Heck, from your first post:

* Casual private conversations at work, which she would initially lie about having talked to him, until a week or two later she'd tell me about it.
Those conversations are part of an on going affair. Why do you give her the benefit of the doubt so shortly after she repeatedly has lied to your face (don't even get me started about parking together). If someone else lied to you like that, would you so quickly trust them? Of course not.
 
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