[aparker2005]

Hey guys, I'm new here. My wife and I have been married for 5 months. We have been friends since 7th grade in high school. We went to college together and kinda got to where we didnt' talk much then. After we both moved back home after graduation, she wanted to start coming back to church with me and we ended up dating and getting married. We are very happy, and have only had a few little "spats". I think the reason we do argue when we do is because we are currently renting a smaller house until we have enough saved to buy, and we are always on top of each other. Other than that, we've never really had a major fight until this week.

Around a month or so after we got back from our honeymoon, a guy started work as a janitor at her hospital. She said she would pass him in the hall and he was very shy and never had any friends. Being the nice person she is, she just started saying hi and being a friend. They eventually started talking a little and found out they enjoy the same music and tv shows.

This eventually became a texting while at work thing. She told me about him and I didn't really have an issue. They would text about a new album coming out or something, and that was it. Nothing major.

This past week, however, I noticed she was constantly on her phone and her ringer was off. I noticed the guy's name every time she had a text message. I finally asked her if she knew I knew she was texting him. She said can I not have a conversation with someone without you getting jealous?

I'm never the jealous type and don't care that she occasionally has a text from a guy, but this was constant.

Later this week, I checked out phone bill. She has been texting him since last Sunday almost daily, and hourly. I immediately became suspicious. I confronted her about the messages and she said that I had been in a bad mood this week and she just needed someone to talk to besides me. She said her girlfriends aren't very reliable because it takes them forever to send messages back. She said she didn't know they had texted so much and she wouldn't so much.

I told her I wanted contact to stop with this guy for good and she said okay and that she told him. They haven't texted since I told her. There have been no FB or Emails either.

She let me read the text messages yesterday and I found out that they and another friend they work with have been smoking after work in the parking lot together. She is supposed to have stopped smoking months ago and said this was a one time thing because she was very stressed after a hard day. I was also mad though because her final text was this:

She said she has been told to stop texting him because apparently I check their phone bill now and it's bs because I have girls I text. He replied that he saw it coming and it sucks. That doesn't seem like a good way to tell a guy to stop texting.

Whenever I do have a girl text, it's about music we have to do at church, or if we are working at our job when I miss. That's it, nothing more.

She explained that she NEVER will cheat on me, she loves me and only me and that there was no flirting or anything else going on. She said she talked to this guy constantly about me and if she wanted to leave, she would have done it. She said she left the texts all there for me to read so I would know she had nothing to hide. She deleted his number and all the texts yesterday, but I still don't feel 100% about this situation. I don't think she would ever technically cheat on me, but the fact that I never thought she would even do this has just kinda made my trust with her a lot less now. I don't know how to really handle this. Sorry for the long story, any advice?

 

[AngryandUsed]

You should know, after so many years of knowing her, why she started testing the guy so often. Sit her down and let her know your concerns.

 

[Shaggy]

Ok so you stopped the texting, but she'll still be hanging with him at work and having a smoke.

The truth is that NO MAN puts that much time and energy into building a relationship with a woman if he doesn't want to sleep with her. This is beyond a casual work thing - this turned into an all the time, all the weekend thing.

That's called pursuit. Yeah, your wife loved the attention, but she's in deep denial about where the game she was playing was leading too.

You both should read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass - I'm sure it will be a major eye opener.

And for you - Married Man's Sex Life by Kay Athol.

 

[walkonmars]

What does your gut tell you?

From the tone of the one text you described he doesn't sound all that shy to me.
It also sounds like your wife resents girls texting you. Have you ever given her reason to doubt your comittment to her?

You are in the honeymoon stage of you marriage. Things should be lovey-dovey for a good while yet but it appears that a potentially serious problem is close. This needs to be addressed forcefully but withou being overbearing or dictatorial.

Marriage counseling - two or three sessions would be beneficial. Your church probably can serve this purpose. Don't let this go. Not another day.

 

[aparker2005]

I never have girls facebook or text me unless it's work or church related, and at that it's 2 maybe 3 at the most. She doesn't like it and is always saying how girls better not be trying to "get" me or she'll have to tell them about it.

She was engaged once before at age 20 and found her fiance in bed with another girl. That messed her up for a while but I really don't think she'd cheat.

And yes, I don't trust this guy whatsoever. She said they passed each other in the hall all week after this went on and didn't even speak to each other. Maybe it's over now, but I'm just still I guess hurt over it all.

 

[keko]

Are you sure they're only smoking on the parking lot and not going to his/her car for some private time?

 

[TDSC60]

No husband "thinks" that their wife is going to cheat - until she does. So get that out of your head right now.

Her talking to him about you is a big red flag.

Her NC email was the standard cheater "husband made me do it" statement which means she was telling him she really wanted to continue their relationship but you made her stop.

This was definitely an EA. Now they have decided to go underground in such a way that you can not catch them.

Be vigilant, it is not over. Them still having contact at work is a problem. Do you have any friends there? Anyone who can be a spy for you?

 

[aparker2005]

Yeah I know the girl that she says they smoked with and I'm going to ask about the guy and if there's any flirting going on.

 

[walkonmars]

Yeah I know the girl that she says they smoked with and I'm going to ask about the guy and if there's any flirting going on.

It seems your gut tells you there may be more than you're being told. Trust yourself.

 

[B1]

You definitely caught an EA, possible PA?
What walkonmars touched on, there are more problems than this going on in your marriage. This OM was filling a need she wasn't getting from you. The scary part is, you have only been married 5 months and she is already reaching outside the marriage for something.

I'm with the others too, I bet it's not over!

NC means NC EVER. She needs to start looking for another job, or at least change shifts. If she sees him it's like starting recovery all over again, those feelings won't just go away with continued contact with the OM.

She also needs to understand the seriousness of what she did. It's a BIG deal and she doesn't get it right now. And this OM will continue to pursue her, is he married, GF? if so they need to be told.

 

[aparker2005]

I fully trusted her up until this week. She kinda screwed that up.

She said I handled the situation way worse than it should have been and I acted like I caught her in bed with someone else. She kept reassuring me she'll never cheat on me.

She said she felt like she couldn't talk to me this week. She is ALWAYS sick. She has lupus and I know she can't help it. She says I act irritated nowadays when we plan something and all of a sudden she gets to where she can't do anything because it makes her sick. I don't get mad at her, I just get a little upset that we can hardly ever do any activities because she is always sick. She comes home everyday exhausted from her job and this lupus makes it worse.

She said she just felt like she couldn't talk to me about it because she thought I'd be mad and she knows she shouldn't have texted this guy, but that I should try to work on not acting upset when she's sick. I agreed with her that I shouldn't act irritated, but she should have known better to text any other guy like this in the first place.

 

[aparker2005]

She also said she was trying to hook her best friend up with this guy since both are single and her best friend has a hard time getting a guy. She's not the most attractive physically, but thought they would mesh together well since they are into the same things and both play guitar.

 

[walkonmars]

She also said she was trying to hook her best friend up with this guy since both are single and her best friend has a hard time getting a guy. She's not the most attractive physically, but thought they would mesh together well since they are into the same things and both play guitar.

I see 3 issues:

1- lupus. Very debilitating. Her feeling ill is totally understandable. She may also fear some of the possile manifestations of the disease - which can understanably lower her self esteem.

2. The janitor is just the one (in her opinion )to raise her self esteem. Initially with smiles, winks, spending extra time at her work station, smoke breaks- even when she probably wouldn't have wanted one - except he invited her etc. - shy? Hardly

3. Matchmaker. Does she work for MATCH.COM? no? Its an excuse to spend more time with him.

The fact she was cheated on in the past, IMO, makes it more likely - not less- that she will cheat. (rationalizing that she will be cheated on again)

Time for a serious discussion. One seeking explanations not accusations. Clear the air.

 

[newandlost]

Hi aparker,

I think that everyone has given you wonderful advice, and so I'm afraid I currently don't have any additional advice to give other than to second the "trust your gut" replies of others. I'm also new to this site and am currently going through a "trust my gut or not" issue of my own. I just wanted to say welcome and that everyone I've talked with has been wonderful so far...so you've come to the right place.

 

[DavidWYoung]

Do not thank us untill your wife and this guy are over. Good luck.