Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 10 of 10 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Basically have been in a relationship for the past 14 years, TONS of dysfunctional things have happened to me before the relationship and since. I'm 34, ...and just not sure what's next. Just tired, I guess. I beat cancer 2 years ago, and went from being the one who always wanted to be intimate, to not wanting anything at all from him. This also might be from being told shortly after his brother died in 08 that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. We both have had substance abuse problems, but he has been clean since I beat the cancer. I no longer take illicit drugs, but am on atavan. Before I was diagnosed almost 5 years ago, we picked up and moved across country from a city to the woods(really). We live with his parents, who are both in their 70s, in very close quarters. I don't know if it's him, or if I'm just feeling like I'm losing myself, or maybe I never knew who I was to begin with bc of repressing feelings with drugs and sex since I was 12. I'm trying to get into a counseling place for myself, not one that prescribes medicines, but one that has cognitive therapy basis. If anyone has any similarities or advice I'd be willing to listen. Thanks in advance, ...and hope you're enjoying your weekend!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,046 Posts
Basically have been in a relationship for the past 14 years, TONS of dysfunctional things have happened to me before the relationship and since. I'm 34, ...and just not sure what's next. Just tired, I guess. I beat cancer 2 years ago, and went from being the one who always wanted to be intimate, to not wanting anything at all from him. This also might be from being told shortly after his brother died in 08 that he wasn't sexually attracted to me. We both have had substance abuse problems, but he has been clean since I beat the cancer. I no longer take illicit drugs, but am on atavan. Before I was diagnosed almost 5 years ago, we picked up and moved across country from a city to the woods(really). We live with his parents, who are both in their 70s, in very close quarters. I don't know if it's him, or if I'm just feeling like I'm losing myself, or maybe I never knew who I was to begin with bc of repressing feelings with drugs and sex since I was 12. I'm trying to get into a counseling place for myself, not one that prescribes medicines, but one that has cognitive therapy basis. If anyone has any similarities or advice I'd be willing to listen. Thanks in advance, ...and hope you're enjoying your weekend!
There are a boatload of things to talk about in that post. It is beyond or outside of my understanding. So all I can say is good luck. I hope you find peace.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,684 Posts
Your plan sounds like a good one. Don't assume your as stuck and lose hope, go get therapy. Have you talked to him about your feelings? What is his state is he on meds too?
 

·
Administrator
Joined
·
42,554 Posts
What do you do for yourself these days? Do you work out? Do you socialize with friends? Do you have a job?

Basically, work on becoming the best person you can be. Other things will fall in place if you do this.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
@sokillme he isn't on any meds as of now, he smokes pot which really helps with his anxieties. I've talked to him, but not in the right way I feel. More like I hate it here, which I know he doesn't love it here either, but he's the only one working right now. We've made a plan to move by the end of the year regardless. Where we live is too isolated and even for me to work would be futile as closest town is 30 miles and we're in the farming districts which don't really pay well
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
@EleGirl DING!!! he says this all the time how I need to get out and meet people, I did take a class recently at one of the closer towns community college for real estate, met some people. I also did a lot of cancer groups while sick. I sometimes think maybe I put out a vibe, almost like self destructive, not correct word so I'll elaborate, seems only people who have issues want to be bothered, everyone that has things going on and SEEM normal fade out after a while. We don't have children, and as I stated we are in the BOONIES. My disability is coming off in 2 months, which at first I was worried bc I still have a lot of drs and the benefits cover all of them, but I think it might be time to get back to work. Since I was 16 I've worked, gone to school, basically taken care of myself. I also think that has a major role in everything also. Back home I have an amazing support system, but going back to philly would not be in my best interest. To visit is ok, but there's a whole world that I know we can find a beautiful place to start fresh. Where we are now was supposed to be a stepping stone, but bc of my sickness which I wasn't diagnosed with until we moved here, and a few other things, we've been kind of stuck making enough to get by, not save and get out. We have 4 acres, with pool, dogs ...and gardening so I do do things, when it's not 110 degrees, lol
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Have you and he ever openly discussed whether of not he has rediscovered his sexual attraction to you since 2008?
Where do you think he is in the relationship? Your opening post sounded like the relationship may be ending but a later post sounded more like you expected it to continue. I'm thinking you have no children and you're not married. 14 years is an awfully long time, but your not over the hill either :wink2:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
@Rgaines, in the last year he's been much more sexual, to the point of when we first met at 20. I think when he said what he said he was self medicating and really out there from the death of his brother, but it still stings. Around the time he said that we took a break for a month or so and for a few weeks he really did a lot to get us back together. He has told me that since he does find me attractive, but then other times when we're arguing he'll say **** like we're just not compatible or along those lines which always makes me go back to thinking that. I don't want to sound like a ****, but I've been with a few men and am seasoned, and I trust him/ know him. A lot of these "MEN" nowadays seem like scumbag freaks, but like you said I'm getting older and if we aren't compatable and are growing in separate directions I don't want to waste time either. By the way, I'm sterile since cancer so children that way is not an option, which he says he doesn't mind, we could always adopt, but again in the back of my mind... the only reason I believe it is bc we both have small families now with no siblings so we both feel in today's climate it would be selfish of us especially with so many children in need. We are not married, which everyone, including me asks why? He says why do we need a piece of paper and also feels like he can't fully provide(a house, the picket fence, etc.etc.) I know he loves me, but I'm to the point where maybe we're both too complacent in this relationship. We used to always talk about our dreams and what we were going to do, lately it's just daily motions and getting by. He's always been the outgoing, ready to anything. As I was Ms. Follow the rules. Now since cancer I feel it's switched, and I just don't want another 10 years to go by just surviving/ paying bills/ monotony. I still am tired a lot and do get aggravated super easy, which I know isn't helping. Like I previously stated I have deep rooted issues(no father, mother that tried, but was taken from her at 10, sexually abused very young)moved from family member to member) I also worry that all that plays into abandonment issues, maybe subconsciously making myself unlovable, I don't even know? 😞 I've tried talking to doctors but it's always anti depressant, I'm not depressed, if anything I'm angry, anxious, and confused and need someone I can trust to listen impartially, that doesn't throw pills at me and say ok. I did the zombie thing, for years... another reason I think I'm having all these feelings and questions now. He knows all this and my feelings, but again everyone has their own issues and he's not used to that type of dysfunction. Not saying his family life was perfect, but he has a loving mother and father, loving to a fault I feel sometimes. So to answer your question, yes, he is sexually attracted to me. I just started HRT also which I'm hoping will help with some discomfort I was having with intercourse due to dryness, so I'm hoping that will also help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
I don't know what to tell you. I think maybe what you need to focus on right now is what you want to do work wise with your future.
BTW what does he do out there in the boonies with his folks to make money?
 
1 - 10 of 10 Posts
Top