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Discussion Starter #42
I'd be telling his mom.
I think that might be the most uncomfortable conversation ever. LOL He's 26 and can live his life as he sees fit. I asked him what his GF would think of his request and he shrugged his shoulders and said "she knows, it's cool" and for all I know that's true. Doesn't mean I want to be a part of it though. Yuck.
 

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I think that might be the most uncomfortable conversation ever. LOL He's 26 and can live his life as he sees fit. I asked him what his GF would think of his request and he shrugged his shoulders and said "she knows, it's cool" and for all I know that's true. Doesn't mean I want to be a part of it though. Yuck.
You have to learn how to play the game.

You should have said..... "I'd prefer to sleep with your girlfriend...she is much hotter than you."

Ya got to beat those kids to the punch line >:)
 

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You're going to be quite surprised at how many men are suddenly so willing to offer their 'services' to you when they get word that you're divorcing. Most of these idiots (like the 26 year old idiot at the party) are under the mistaken impression that you'll be sexually 'deprived' and will need to take them up on their lame offers to share their magic member with you. Be still my beating heart! And sadly, some of those offers will be coming from men you've always respected and always thought were those rare 'dedicated' types.

One final thought - the more that idiot 26 year old opened his mouth, the more ignorant he appeared. If his girlfriend 'knows' that he acts like a dog in heat the second she walks away and "she's cool with it," like he'd have you believe, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. Sadly, he won't be the last one who tries to pull that crap on you about being in an open relationship or open marriage when they're not.

That's all part of the magic of divorcing. But it's STILL better than being stuck in a marriage that's causing you to die a slow death so I'm happy to see you're moving on to a better way of life. Good for you.
 

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You're going to be quite surprised at how many men are suddenly so willing to offer their 'services' to you when they get word that you're divorcing. Most of these idiots (like the 26 year old idiot at the party) are under the mistaken impression that you'll be sexually 'deprived' and will need to take them up on their lame offers to share their magic member with you. Be still my beating heart! And sadly, some of those offers will be coming from men you've always respected and always thought were those rare 'dedicated' types.

One final thought - the more that idiot 26 year old opened his mouth, the more ignorant he appeared. If his girlfriend 'knows' that he acts like a dog in heat the second she walks away and "she's cool with it," like he'd have you believe, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. Sadly, he won't be the last one who tries to pull that crap on you about being in an open relationship or open marriage when they're not.

That's all part of the magic of divorcing. But it's STILL better than being stuck in a marriage that's causing you to die a slow death so I'm happy to see you're moving on to a better way of life. Good for you.

That's why I haven't told anybody yet that I'm divorcing... you can imagine the queue of women waiting for me to step outside my house... :laugh:
 

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Discussion Starter #47
You have to learn how to play the game.

You should have said..... "I'd prefer to sleep with your girlfriend...she is much hotter than you."

Ya got to beat those kids to the punch line >:)
LOL!! I am SO stealing this if this happens again!!!!


You're going to be quite surprised at how many men are suddenly so willing to offer their 'services' to you when they get word that you're divorcing. Most of these idiots (like the 26 year old idiot at the party) are under the mistaken impression that you'll be sexually 'deprived' and will need to take them up on their lame offers to share their magic member with you. Be still my beating heart! And sadly, some of those offers will be coming from men you've always respected and always thought were those rare 'dedicated' types.

One final thought - the more that idiot 26 year old opened his mouth, the more ignorant he appeared. If his girlfriend 'knows' that he acts like a dog in heat the second she walks away and "she's cool with it," like he'd have you believe, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. Sadly, he won't be the last one who tries to pull that crap on you about being in an open relationship or open marriage when they're not.

That's all part of the magic of divorcing. But it's STILL better than being stuck in a marriage that's causing you to die a slow death so I'm happy to see you're moving on to a better way of life. Good for you.
I guess I'm just naive because I've found the whole thing quite shocking. Not that a 26yo is a pig but that he'd have any interest in a 50yo woman. But he acted like he just *had* to have me the second he heard the word separated. I think I'll be keeping that info private from now on. Thanks for the heads up that this is not unusual. I thought it was just a one time freakish evening. And I agree...much better to be out of my marriage and dealing with this stupid stuff than slowly dying inside.

That's why I haven't told anybody yet that I'm divorcing... you can imagine the queue of women waiting for me to step outside my house... :laugh:
Good plan...this was literally the first time I had described myself as separated and bam! he went for it. It's a crazy world out there. :surprise:
 

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I wish you good luck. Hopefully things will go well for both of us. I know that living so close to your ex is very unconventional but maybe we'll be trendsetters :)
I dreamt last night we were having a fight because she didn't want to be with me anymore... we were supposed to renew our vows and I called it off... ugly dream... I'm glad I'm out...
 

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When I was in my mid-twenties and freshly divorced, many of the women I dated were 10-20 years my senior and either fresh out of a divorce or separated enroute to one. Nearly every one of was willing to make it sexual quickly...as in the-night-I-met-them-quickly.

Separated=Potential Opportunity to many men, especially the unhealthy ones, as I was at that time.

But in fairness, so were they.

Emotional pain makes many of us do funny things.

Take your time and screen them well. Many will smell a "wounded woman" and exploit it. Unless, of course, you just want to do things that way.

Best of luck to you.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Thank you, I have found an online support group but a lot of the posters are so angry and I don't want to hold onto anger. I firmly believe my husband did not do this to me on purpose and so I can forgive and move on. He's hurting, very badly in fact, so what's the point of holding onto that anger which will just rot my soul?

I very much want to come to an agreement about all those things you mentioned. I will have to sit down with my husband soon to make out a plan. Again, I'm going slowly so that he doesn't' get too overwhelmed. So far, he has been respecting my boundaries in the apartment. He treats it like a separate house, doesn't enter without knocking, doesn't assume he's invited to dinner, etc.



Thank you so much for all your advice. I am making a list of everything I need to do and will bring up with a lawyer soon. You've given me lots to add to the list!



I'm taking it slow so that my husband has time to adjust. He is not happy about the divorce, he wants to stay married. By going slowly, he has time to adjust and so far he's given me everything I've wanted. He also has some issues with anxiety and I don't want to set that off for him. I've recommended counseling for him and he's "looked into it" but I don't know if he's going yet or not. I need him to be as healthy as possible for my kids' sake and to make these adjustments go smoothly.

I am also recovering from major surgery at the moment so that is occupying a lot of my energy right now. Once I am feeling better, I am hoping to go out more, socialize more, make a new set of friends separate from the group I share with my husband, get back to the gym (I lost 30lbs last year, need to continue working on that!) and stop hiding from life. I'm looking forward to it!!! You are right that we only get one life. My plan is to enjoy it!
Do you plan on dating while sharing a house?
 

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Do you plan on dating while sharing a house?
I would like to think that dating is something I will be able to do in the future. How that will work out with us both living so close to each other I do not know. The fact is that I would not be the type to bring men home to stay overnight if my children were still living with me anyway so I have no idea how it will all work out. (At least not until I'm sure the relationship will be a lasting one)

The truth is that this is not something I've discussed with my husband yet. My feeling is that once we are divorced, we are free to date whomever we'd like and we should both be allowed to have company in our own apartments. They are separate apartments with completely separate entrances so we each have some privacy. It sounds simple enough as I write it, but humans come with these pesky things called emotions and so I know it might not be that simple. I'm fine with him dating, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not what he wants but unfortunately I think he is a "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" type and so that might create problems for me. Maybe not, time will tell. I have told my children that staying here until graduation is the goal but it may or may not work out. It really depends on how we get along and how much we are each able to let the other move on with their life.

At the moment, he seems to be doing a 180 on me and I hope it's for his own benefit and not because he thinks it will win me back. Because I really don't understand how someone could want nothing to do with you for years but then not be willing to let you go when it's finally time to move on. The few times I've seen him over the past week he's been cordial but not much more than that, which is fine for me as long as it's for his benefit and not to make me see I've made a mistake because I know I haven't other than waiting so long to finally leave this marriage.
 

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I would like to think that dating is something I will be able to do in the future. How that will work out with us both living so close to each other I do not know. The fact is that I would not be the type to bring men home to stay overnight if my children were still living with me anyway so I have no idea how it will all work out. (At least not until I'm sure the relationship will be a lasting one)

The truth is that this is not something I've discussed with my husband yet. My feeling is that once we are divorced, we are free to date whomever we'd like and we should both be allowed to have company in our own apartments. They are separate apartments with completely separate entrances so we each have some privacy. It sounds simple enough as I write it, but humans come with these pesky things called emotions and so I know it might not be that simple. I'm fine with him dating, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not what he wants but unfortunately I think he is a "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" type and so that might create problems for me. Maybe not, time will tell. I have told my children that staying here until graduation is the goal but it may or may not work out. It really depends on how we get along and how much we are each able to let the other move on with their life.

At the moment, he seems to be doing a 180 on me and I hope it's for his own benefit and not because he thinks it will win me back. Because I really don't understand how someone could want nothing to do with you for years but then not be willing to let you go when it's finally time to move on. The few times I've seen him over the past week he's been cordial but not much more than that, which is fine for me as long as it's for his benefit and not to make me see I've made a mistake because I know I haven't other than waiting so long to finally leave this marriage.
Can I ask you the question? What is the message you are showing your kids if you stay married and you both are dating other people? Let me give you an example. I have a friend whose wife grew up in a home with know love. Maybe there was love early on but her parents had issues and were not affectionate at all, theirs was a business partnership but they stayed together for the kids only to get divorced after the kids grew up.

Because of this she shows no affection with her husband because she never saw it. In her mind she is very good wife though and she is in a lot of ways. But she has no frame of reference how to be this man's lover or even just affectionate. She cooks and cleans, she doesn't cheat. He is miserable and is close to divorcing her. If you didn't know what was going on you would think they have a great marriage. Her parents contributed to that.

The point is what her parents showed her is that affection wasn't necessary for a good marriage. It seams like nothing was talked about and this is just what she thought was normal. Only when she was older did she understand how bad the marriage was. That was wrong. I ask again, what are you teaching your kids by continuing your situation? Is it possible you think this way because as you say, your parents did the same and you looked at it as a positive. I would point out though, that you that you stayed in a sexless marriage for 13 years. 13 YEARS! A marriage that wasn't a marriage. Were you willing to do that because the same was modeled for you growing up? How would you feel if one of your kids did the same?

After my friend told me this story I will never again think staying for the kids is the right thing to do, assuming both parents are healthy and of sound mind.

I think if you are going to move on do it now, show your kids an assertive determined person who wants and is going to get a better life. Let your husband deal with his own demons, you moving out may even help that. If he IS gay he married you under false pretenses, you don't have to protect him from that.

At least it's not as simple as you think.
 

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I would like to think that dating is something I will be able to do in the future. How that will work out with us both living so close to each other I do not know. The fact is that I would not be the type to bring men home to stay overnight if my children were still living with me anyway so I have no idea how it will all work out. (At least not until I'm sure the relationship will be a lasting one)

The truth is that this is not something I've discussed with my husband yet. My feeling is that once we are divorced, we are free to date whomever we'd like and we should both be allowed to have company in our own apartments. They are separate apartments with completely separate entrances so we each have some privacy. It sounds simple enough as I write it, but humans come with these pesky things called emotions and so I know it might not be that simple. I'm fine with him dating, I've come to terms with the fact that I am not what he wants but unfortunately I think he is a "I don't want her, but I don't want anyone else to have her" type and so that might create problems for me. Maybe not, time will tell. I have told my children that staying here until graduation is the goal but it may or may not work out. It really depends on how we get along and how much we are each able to let the other move on with their life.

At the moment, he seems to be doing a 180 on me and I hope it's for his own benefit and not because he thinks it will win me back. Because I really don't understand how someone could want nothing to do with you for years but then not be willing to let you go when it's finally time to move on. The few times I've seen him over the past week he's been cordial but not much more than that, which is fine for me as long as it's for his benefit and not to make me see I've made a mistake because I know I haven't other than waiting so long to finally leave this marriage.
How do you think you living in an "apartment" that is part of the house you lived in, with your husband who is still there, is going to go over? I think it's going to be hard to find a quality guy who would want to put up with that.

Who are you protecting here really?
 

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@sokillme, I am pretty sure in reading her posts that she IS going forward with divorce. She is just going to try to stay living in the other apartment on the property until her kid graduates in 3 years...
 

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Discussion Starter #56 (Edited)
Can I ask you the question? What is the message you are showing your kids if you stay married and you both are dating other people? Let me give you an example. I have a friend whose wife grew up in a home with know love. Maybe there was love early on but her parents had issues and were not affectionate at all, theirs was a business partnership but they stayed together for the kids only to get divorced after the kids grew up.

Because of this she shows no affection with her husband because she never saw it. In her mind she is very good wife though and she is in a lot of ways. But she has no frame of reference how to be this man's lover or even just affectionate. She cooks and cleans, she doesn't cheat. He is miserable and is close to divorcing her. If you didn't know what was going on you would think they have a great marriage. Her parents contributed to that.

The point is what her parents showed her is that affection wasn't necessary for a good marriage. It seams like nothing was talked about and this is just what she thought was normal. Only when she was older did she understand how bad the marriage was. That was wrong. I ask again, what are you teaching your kids by continuing your situation? Is it possible you think this way because as you say, your parents did the same and you looked at it as a positive. I would point out though, that you that you stayed in a sexless marriage for 13 years. 13 YEARS! A marriage that wasn't a marriage. Were you willing to do that because the same was modeled for you growing up? How would you feel if one of your kids did the same?

After my friend told me this story I will never again think staying for the kids is the right thing to do, assuming both parents are healthy and of sound mind.

I think if you are going to move on do it now, show your kids an assertive determined person who wants and is going to get a better life. Let your husband deal with his own demons, you moving out may even help that. If he IS gay he married you under false pretenses, you don't have to protect him from that.

At least it's not as simple as you think.
I am not going to stay married. I'm getting a divorce. I think because we are going to share our house you think we're staying married, we aren't. And sharing the house is not sharing the same living space. The house has 2 completely separate apartments in it. (like a duplex except one is larger than the other) He has one and I have the other. My kids bedrooms are on his side but they are free to come in and out of my house as they want, my husband is not nor will he be after the divorce. I have no plans to stay married and date, just not my style.

As for why I stayed so long, it's complicated. If you haven't ever turned on your computer and found evidence that your spouse was trolling for homosexual sex you have NO CLUE ON EARTH what I went through. He swore up and down it was just something he stumbled into and his curiosity got the better of him. And it didn't turn sexless for a number of years after that. I wanted to believe him because otherwise my entire marriage and the conception of my children was a big fat giant lie. Do you have ANY IDEA how that feels??? So I admit, I buried it deep, real deep so that I didn't have to face it. It's humiliating on so many levels. I didn't want people to know what a complete idiot I had been as to not know this about my husband. Even now, the few people in my life I've told all say the same thing "How didn't you notice? Wasn't the sex bad? I just don't understand" as if I'm some freak. For a lot of years it was buried, and we were a loving couple, we shared affection, sex, companionship, etc. It was not until the last 6 that my husband started having more and more trouble performing in the bedroom and even then he had a lot of excuses, stress from work, low testosterone, etc, etc, etc. The more problems he had in the bedroom the more he pulled away completely as did I. 2 years ago we just stopped and he started hiding from me, making sure I was asleep before he came to bed, etc. I assume because he didn't want me to ask for sex. So I didn't. Then a month or so ago I heard him talking in his sleep, he was clearly having sex, with a man, and was very into it. Everything I had buried came unburied and I knew at that moment I had to get out of the marriage.


At the time of the initial discovery, my mother was living in our extra apartment and I had 3 very young children. So besides not being able to emotionally handle what I discovered, I had no idea how I could leave the marriage and not leave my mother homeless and I had no idea how I would handle 3 kids 6 and under alone while working night shifts with no chance at my job of changing shifts. I was completely overwhelmed.

I'm sorry if those reasons are not good enough for you as to why I stayed. I wish I had been strong enough to leave back then but I wasn't. Again, if it hasn't happened to you, you have NO idea what it's like so please don't judge me. My goals now are to move forward. My kids spent most of their childhood seeing my husband and I being affectionate. IT only dried up over the last couple years. My daughter, who is 19, is extremely affectionate with her boyfriend. I am very affectionate with my kids, as is my husband.

I am trying to take back my life while causing the least amount of upheaval to my children as possible. It's 3 years until my daughter graduates, not 30. Who knows if I'll even feel ready to try to trust someone again enough to date before those 3 years are up. I have been deceived in a way you can't possibly comprehend. That's not something you just bounce back from, believe me. But I am proceeding with the divorce, you can divorce and retain ownership of the house until whenever you decide to sell it in my state. I know people who have done it. Am I sure it will work in our case? NO, but I feel for my children's sake I should at least try.
 

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Discussion Starter #57
How do you think you living in an "apartment" that is part of the house you lived in, with your husband who is still there, is going to go over? I think it's going to be hard to find a quality guy who would want to put up with that.

Who are you protecting here really?
I would hope that he would realize this is a short term sacrifice I'm making for my children and he'd think that was admirable. As my husband is gay there is not much chance he'd need to be jealous, correct? He may not want to end the marriage and give up the "family" life he has grown attached to, but believe me, he does not want me back in his bed nor do I ever want to go back there.

And I'm protecting my children. I am their mother, that's my job. While I don't think it's healthy to put all my own needs aside for my children, I do think it's important to find a way to meet mine and theirs in a compatible way. And that's a message I hope they keep for life. No one person's needs should ever trump someone else's needs completely.
 

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Even now, the few people in my life I've told all say the same thing "How didn't you notice? Wasn't the sex bad? I just don't understand" as if I'm some freak. For a lot of years it was buried, and we were a loving couple, we shared affection, sex, companionship, etc.
I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I knew someone from college who came out as gay after decades of marriage. Back when I knew him, I don't think he was gay and hiding it. I guess he was bi, but he was much more straight than gay. None of us had any clue. He dated women and seemed to genuinely enjoy it. There was no reason for him to fake being into women, as we were a bunch of dateless computer nerds anyway. He could have just not dated women and been like the rest of us :) His family wasn't religious and wouldn't have cared. He met his wife in college and seemed very happy to be with her, and was very happy for years, and so was she. She was pretty adventurous about sex and open about talking about their relationship. It doesn't make any sense that he was faking it to that level given that his family, friends and community wouldn't have really cared all that much.

But later things got rough and he left the marriage saying he was gay. My feeling is that he got unhappy in marriage (as many do), struggled with wanting to leave, and the gay side grew as an undeniable way get out of the marriage. If he's gay, then of course he has to get divorced! He changed a lot after the marriage. It almost seemed like he was forcing himself to like being gay so he could accept what happened. But who knows. Maybe he really was gay the whole time and repressing it. Regardless, I think a divorce was the right answer in their relationship gay or not.

So anyway, maybe it was similar in your marriage. Maybe he had some gay tendencies that later came out stronger as a coping mechanism. So I can totally believe that you had a good, strong marriage and nothing was wrong. I believe he could have been 90% straight or whatever back then and you'd have no clue.
 

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I am not going to stay married. I'm getting a divorce. I think because we are going to share our house you think we're staying married, we aren't. And sharing the house is not sharing the same living space. The house has 2 completely separate apartments in it. (like a duplex except one is larger than the other) He has one and I have the other. My kids bedrooms are on his side but they are free to come in and out of my house as they want, my husband is not nor will he be after the divorce. I have no plans to stay married and date, just not my style.

As for why I stayed so long, it's complicated. If you haven't ever turned on your computer and found evidence that your spouse was trolling for homosexual sex you have NO CLUE ON EARTH what I went through. He swore up and down it was just something he stumbled into and his curiosity got the better of him. And it didn't turn sexless for a number of years after that. I wanted to believe him because otherwise my entire marriage and the conception of my children was a big fat giant lie. Do you have ANY IDEA how that feels??? So I admit, I buried it deep, real deep so that I didn't have to face it. It's humiliating on so many levels. I didn't want people to know what a complete idiot I had been as to not know this about my husband. Even now, the few people in my life I've told all say the same thing "How didn't you notice? Wasn't the sex bad? I just don't understand" as if I'm some freak. For a lot of years it was buried, and we were a loving couple, we shared affection, sex, companionship, etc. It was not until the last 6 that my husband started having more and more trouble performing in the bedroom and even then he had a lot of excuses, stress from work, low testosterone, etc, etc, etc. The more problems he had in the bedroom the more he pulled away completely as did I. 2 years ago we just stopped and he started hiding from me, making sure I was asleep before he came to bed, etc. I assume because he didn't want me to ask for sex. So I didn't. Then a month or so ago I heard him talking in his sleep, he was clearly having sex, with a man, and was very into it. Everything I had buried came unburied and I knew at that moment I had to get out of the marriage.


At the time of the initial discovery, my mother was living in our extra apartment and I had 3 very young children. So besides not being able to emotionally handle what I discovered, I had no idea how I could leave the marriage and not leave my mother homeless and I had no idea how I would handle 3 kids 6 and under alone while working night shifts with no chance at my job of changing shifts. I was completely overwhelmed.

I'm sorry if those reasons are not good enough for you as to why I stayed. I wish I had been strong enough to leave back then but I wasn't. Again, if it hasn't happened to you, you have NO idea what it's like so please don't judge me. My goals now are to move forward. My kids spent most of their childhood seeing my husband and I being affectionate. IT only dried up over the last couple years. My daughter, who is 19, is extremely affectionate with her boyfriend. I am very affectionate with my kids, as is my husband.

I am trying to take back my life while causing the least amount of unheaval to my children as possible. It's 3 years until my daughter graduates, not 30. Who knows if I'll even feel ready to try to trust someone again enough to date before those 3 years are up. I have been deceived in a way you can't possibly comprehend. That's not something you just bounce back from, believe me. But I am proceeding with the divorce, you can divorce and retain ownership of the house until whenever you decide to sell it in my state. I know people who have done it. Am I sure it will work in our case? NO, but I feel for my children's sake I should at least try.
I didn't mean my post to come across as criticism of you, but I can see how it would. You are right I have NO IDEA. The point I was trying to make is staying for the kids is not necessarily a good thing, and often not about the kids.

I'm sorry if my post caused you pain, seems like you had a bad enough deal.
 

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Discussion Starter #60
I'm not sure how relevant this is, but I knew someone from college who came out as gay after decades of marriage. Back when I knew him, I don't think he was gay and hiding it. I guess he was bi, but he was much more straight than gay. None of us had any clue. He dated women and seemed to genuinely enjoy it. There was no reason for him to fake being into women, as we were a bunch of dateless computer nerds anyway. He could have just not dated women and been like the rest of us :) His family wasn't religious and wouldn't have cared. He met his wife in college and seemed very happy to be with her, and was very happy for years, and so was she. She was pretty adventurous about sex and open about talking about their relationship. It doesn't make any sense that he was faking it to that level given that his family, friends and community wouldn't have really cared all that much.

But later things got rough and he left the marriage saying he was gay. My feeling is that he got unhappy in marriage (as many do), struggled with wanting to leave, and the gay side grew as an undeniable way get out of the marriage. If he's gay, then of course he has to get divorced! He changed a lot after the marriage. It almost seemed like he was forcing himself to like being gay so he could accept what happened. But who knows. Maybe he really was gay the whole time and repressing it. Regardless, I think a divorce was the right answer in their relationship gay or not.

So anyway, maybe it was similar in your marriage. Maybe he had some gay tendencies that later came out stronger as a coping mechanism. So I can totally believe that you had a good, strong marriage and nothing was wrong. I believe he could have been 90% straight or whatever back then and you'd have no clue.
I don't believe my husband is using it as a way to end the marriage. He very much denies that he is gay insisting that he is just curious or that it only represents "10%" of who he is and insists he "could never be in a relationship with a man" also states the idea of kissing a man is repulsive. I think he is gay sexually but straight emotionally. He enjoys and craves everything about the straight life except for the sex. I'm 100% certain he loves me, just not the way I need/want a husband to love me. Most of the research I've done indicates that this happens fairly frequently and these men can perform or even enjoy a sex life with a woman for many years but as they start to explore their homosexual tendencies via porn or random hookups, etc they lose their ability to perform with their wives. This is what I believe happened in my marriage.

Thank you for sharing your story. I know I am not alone in this, but it's very hard not to feel that way at times.
 
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