Talk About Marriage banner

81 - 95 of 95 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,489 Posts
She tells you she's too tired to have sex, but then goes to bed HOURS after you EVERY NIGHT. How are you not talking about this with her?

Because she hates having sex with him and she knows he will jump on her... so, she is waiting to go to bed hoping he will be asleep. My wife used to do this. Up until one 'o clock in the morning watching TV and then iPad...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,436 Posts
CW try the books by Athol Kay, especially "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". It's got some good stuff in there to help you understand how women think.

Books ? Current books and what?s coming soon

And then cruise over to Dr. Glover's webpage and download a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's a good book that details what a lot of men do wrong in their relationships with women. Especially check out his topic concerning "covert contracts". A covert contract is a manipulative behavior where a man does nice things for his woman with the expectation that she will reciprocate, and when she doesn't he gets offended and builds resentment, which feeds into more covert contracts. There is good stuff to be gleaned in this book. I highly recommend it.

https://www.drglover.com/coaching-groups/groups-for-men.html
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,495 Posts
I do feel like she is trying to get some "me time" as others have suggested, however with the kids being as old as they are, and her only working part time, why isnt she carving out some "me time" at other times of the day? Maybe bring that up as a suggestion to her...that you know she needs occasional time to herself (we ALL do) and make the offer that you will take over things at home for a couple hours at X time on Y days so that she can do something on her own, or something along those lines. If she argues with you about this, then she is probably avoiding you on purpose. (Personally I tend to stay up stupidly late because I am a night owl person, and I cant sleep if I go to bed too early. I But I am currently single, so no one cares, LOL.)

I also second the suggestion that she see her doctor for a physical and blood workup. Her being so tired all the time doesnt seem normal for her age. I went in one time for this same thing.. my thyroid was fine, but my doc made the determination based on my exhaustion and some other symptoms, that I was depressed. So there could be something healthwise affecting her too.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,302 Posts
Just because someone uses the excuse they they are tired (to not have sex) doesn't mean they actually are tired. A women who stays up past midnight isn't truly tired. Tired is someone falling asleep on the couch by 9 pm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,359 Posts
Meh. She's not sexually attracted to you, OP. Whether it's hormones or it's related specificially to YOU, there's gotta be some hormones check-issue or MC.

Hand her the books that were suggested here and you can read them together. You need to be on the same wavelength and need to educate yourselves at the same time, for faster results.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,359 Posts
Or she's just a prude. They do exist unfortunately.
Belive me, there's no woman-prude on this Earth! Try matching her with a lover and you won't recognize her anymore!
:cool:

That's why I said she's a prude to him, only.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,158 Posts
Unfortunately the people here cannot tell you what she's feeling, though it'll seem like we all think we have mystical powers of deduction based off a few typed words. If she says she's tired and that's how it seems to you, then I would take that as the truth. IMO, you can be dead tired and sit up until all hours of the night for various reasons, doesn't make the statement that you're tired a lie.
 

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
11,688 Posts
Unfortunately the people here cannot tell you what she's feeling, though it'll seem like we all think we have mystical powers of deduction based off a few typed words. If she says she's tired and that's how it seems to you, then I would take that as the truth. IMO, you can be dead tired and sit up until all hours of the night for various reasons, doesn't make the statement that you're tired a lie.
Truth.

However...

It is clear, whether she is tired or not, that she is not putting energy into meeting his needs.

Trying to pull the "why" from her when she is either unwilling or unable to communicate it is a fool's errand.

Chasing her is a fool's errand.

Placing priority on any of her personal needs is...you guessed it...a fool's errand.

Right now, she is perfectly comfortable in the midst of his discomfort.

His only real option is to flip that script. Shut down everything that does not have to do with the children. No listening ear for venting, no acts of service, no words of affirmation, no flirting, no initiation of sex, and guys/hobby night's 3 to 4 times per week. Roommates.

And she can either step up, and things can return to some semblance of reciprocity, or she can continue to not get her needs met as well. If she is okay with that, the marriage is (for all intents and purposes) dead.


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,764 Posts
Some women just can't imagine how men feel about sex. They really just project their own attitudes onto men without giving it much thought. She's projecting her attitude that sex is an optional add-on to a busy life with children. It's not an essential for her, so she assumes the same for her husband.

This is a mismatch of sex drive and interest. For me, the problem is that she doesn't notice that it's a problem. OP will have to have a very serious talk with her and issue some ultimatums to get her to wake up a bit. There are lots of things the two of them can do to improve this area of their lives, but OP can't do it alone.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,711 Posts
Truth.

However...

It is clear, whether she is tired or not, that she is not putting energy into meeting his needs.

Trying to pull the "why" from her when she is either unwilling or unable to communicate it is a fool's errand.

Chasing her is a fool's errand.

Placing priority on any of her personal needs is...you guessed it...a fool's errand.

Right now, she is perfectly comfortable in the midst of his discomfort.

His only real option is to flip that script. Shut down everything that does not have to do with the children. No listening ear for venting, no acts of service, no words of affirmation, no flirting, no initiation of sex, and guys/hobby night's 3 to 4 times per week. Roommates.

And she can either step up, and things can return to some semblance of reciprocity, or she can continue to not get her needs met as well. If she is okay with that, the marriage is (for all intents and purposes) dead.
I agree with this completely... in a way.

He might do the above as a short precursor to filing for divorce...

What I don't get is why people put up with this in the first place.

But I will never understand that...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,934 Posts
What I don't get is why people put up with this in the first place.

But I will never understand that...
I think it depends on how much you view marriage as a "single benefit" institution. Some examples of a single benefit might be having kids, having high financial/social status, or passionate sex. For some people, if that one thing isn't there, then the other parts of the marriage don't make up for it. So someone who wants to be a parent may leave the marriage if their partner doesn't want kids regardless of how good the marriage is otherwise.

But if someone views marriage as having many benefits, then if one thing isn't good, the other things in the marriage can make up for it. So someone who wants kids might stay in a childless marriage if they get along great with their spouse, have financial stability, and have common hobbies. As a whole they are content with the marriage even though there might be one area which is missing or substandard.

I have a feeling that someone who is more of a "single benefit" person might not be as concerned if other areas of the marriage aren't great. If someone has a high need for sex and that need is being met, they may not care as much if other areas of the marriage aren't as high quality. So it might not matter if they have little in common with their spouse as long as the bedroom is active. Then on the other hand, someone who wants many benefits may want compatibility in more areas of the marriage. Even if one area is 100%, they may be more concerned that the other areas also have higher value.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,711 Posts
I think it depends on how much you view marriage as a "single benefit" institution. Some examples of a single benefit might be having kids, having high financial/social status, or passionate sex. For some people, if that one thing isn't there, then the other parts of the marriage don't make up for it. So someone who wants to be a parent may leave the marriage if their partner doesn't want kids regardless of how good the marriage is otherwise.

But if someone views marriage as having many benefits, then if one thing isn't good, the other things in the marriage can make up for it. So someone who wants kids might stay in a childless marriage if they get along great with their spouse, have financial stability, and have common hobbies. As a whole they are content with the marriage even though there might be one area which is missing or substandard.

I have a feeling that someone who is more of a "single benefit" person might not be as concerned if other areas of the marriage aren't great. If someone has a high need for sex and that need is being met, they may not care as much if other areas of the marriage aren't as high quality. So it might not matter if they have little in common with their spouse as long as the bedroom is active. Then on the other hand, someone who wants many benefits may want compatibility in more areas of the marriage. Even if one area is 100%, they may be more concerned that the other areas also have higher value.
Sorry buddy, we have been down this road, well I never have...

I look at this one way, Romantic Love/marriage goes one way. It includes lots of vigorous, passionate, loving sex or it does not happen.

And everyone can dance around the issue all they want. If a woman does not want to have sex with you, then she does not love you like a lover/husband...

And is it NOT a single benefit issue. It is a issue of what is marriage/romantic relationship.

For me and many others one of the many "benefits", and I hate to call it that, is sex and lots of it.

There are other ways that people look at it, but not me, and I will never understand the other ways...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18,420 Posts
Truth.

However...

It is clear, whether she is tired or not, that she is not putting energy into meeting his needs.

Trying to pull the "why" from her when she is either unwilling or unable to communicate it is a fool's errand.

Chasing her is a fool's errand.

Placing priority on any of her personal needs is...you guessed it...a fool's errand.

Right now, she is perfectly comfortable in the midst of his discomfort.

His only real option is to flip that script. Shut down everything that does not have to do with the children. No listening ear for venting, no acts of service, no words of affirmation, no flirting, no initiation of sex, and guys/hobby night's 3 to 4 times per week. Roommates.

And she can either step up, and things can return to some semblance of reciprocity, or she can continue to not get her needs met as well. If she is okay with that, the marriage is (for all intents and purposes) dead.


Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


Far is right.
@Construction Worker, you’re still viewing this like you’re a team. You’re not a team. She’s getting her needs met just fine, while not having to put in any effort meeting yours.

She has zero motivation to change this. So don’t try to convince her. Change the rules instead.

Zero emotional effort from you. She’ll get uncomfortable very quickly, I suspect. When she asks why you’re being like this, the answer should be very simple:

“I’m not getting my needs met. Just because you are fine living celibately doesn’t mean I am.” And then you walk away and let that one soak in.

If she doesn’t care enough to ask why you’re being like this, the marriage was dead a long time ago to her.

As for her being asexual? I’ve met more than one woman that claimed to be asexual. None of them actually were. They liked sex just fine. Just not with their husbands. Asexuality happens, but is exceedingly rare.
 
81 - 95 of 95 Posts
Top