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Wow, I feel for you brother, cause I've been there.

When I was in a sexless relationship and realized she was truly frigid, i gave up.
I let her have it (verbally), and then never brought it up again.
I mean never, ever, ever, ever asked her for sex again.

If I were in your shoes (and this is just me, don't take this as advice necessarily), I'd either marry
my right hand (which I did), or leave (which I eventually did).
 

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Discussion Starter #23
@Construction Worker

How many hours a week do you two spend together, just the two of you, doing things that you both enjoy (quality time)?

How often do the two of you go on dates?
Not much! Work and kids activities are always there.

We do try to go out, just us two, at least once a month. I’ve tried to increase that to once a week, even if it’s something simple like taking a walk or getting ice cream.
 

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She’s a bit more moody, I’m sure that comes with age / menopause. She had surgery last year to remove a cyst around her lady parts, but we were still probably around half a dozen times per year prior to that. She Doesn’t think she looks all that good anymore, but I don’t think she’s got self esteem issues, she will walk around in front of me in her underwear or even mostly naked and not bat an eyelid. It sucks, because I am still very much attracted to her, and she must think I’m kidding when I tell her she’s my dream girl.
Self-esteem can very definitely still be an issue, even though she's showing you her body. You are safe, you are the father of her children. Does she wear a bikini at the beach? Does she work out, do yoga, anything? Doing more with her body will make her more aware of her body. It helps a great deal with a person's body image.

As for hormones, they can play a major role in libido issues. Taking hormone contraceptives for much of our lives can have a pretty detrimental effect on some women. It takes a lot of time and effort to get things back to where they should be. I know because I'm on that journey right now.

Another important factor is feeling like your partner thinks you are beautiful. You have to make sure to tell her, make sure when she's walking around in her underwear that she knows you are attracted to her.

Edited to add: I strongly suggest you get the book The 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman and read it. Then give it to your wife to read.
 

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If my husband would have done this after 18 years marriage I would have done the same as your wife quite honestly. The focus for men seems to be sex, we see and don't appreciate it as there is alot more to us and life as a married couple. I am assuming your wife was turned off because there is not enough out of the bedroom connection, whether that is emotional support or just the occasional hug and kiss that does not lead to anything else. We need to know that we are appreciated and wanted for more than sex.
 

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It would be better to focus your energy elsewhere. You have been shown the truth completely. Such a lovely anniversary gift. She bared her soul instead of her body. An intimacy she didn't intend. Now you know her disgust and despise of you. How will you use the glimpse you have been given?

With the children on the short side of 18 your losses will be low, should you decide to laugh in return. If you decide to wait it out, fill your life with things that give back. She is happy with 1 date a month and sex every other date. That leaves you time to pursue two or three fulfilling hobbies. She won't even notice that you are gone.

FYI, you are not oversexed, and you think of much more than just sex. Those are just automatic female defense accusations, fired without thinking. I can clearly see what you have built into this. Your wife has thrown it away.
 

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I suggest you do some reading and start with Reddit “deadbedrooms “. Also deadbedted has a wealth of info for men and women who definitely don’t want to be where they are...where you are. And, you are not alone. Here’s a summary: it won’t get better. It will get worse.
 

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Not much! Work and kids activities are always there.

We do try to go out, just us two, at least once a month. I’ve tried to increase that to once a week, even if it’s something simple like taking a walk or getting ice cream.
Ok, so the two of you basically don't have a relationship except what it takes to run a household and raise kids. This kind of neglect of the relationship is typically what makes marriages fail. You are both responsible for the current state of your relationship. The good thing is that it can be fixed.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. Then once you have learned what needs to be done, ask her to read the books with you and the two of you do the work together.

The love and passion can be rebuilt in a marriage if the couple is willing to do the work. It often takes one of them to take the lead.
 

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I agree that there doesn't seem to be much of a relationship here. The fact that you didn't speak of your hurt to her after the incident you mentioned says there is no communication. The fact that she felt no empathy for you nor you for her says you are both very detached from one another. Love dies and what is left is habit and obligation and we blindly carry on thinking it's love when it hasn't been for a long time.

Romantic love is more than just a dinner out once a week. It's intimacy, passion and commitment. You have commitment. You both need to work together to get back the rest and I think you need help from someone outside the situation to get an honest picture of where you are both at in the relationship.
 

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Hi All, I’m a 44 year old construction worker who has been pretty much happily married to my wife for 18 years, with 3 kids ranging in ages from mid teens to preteens. The only hangup I have in our relationship is a lack of intimacy. We may have sex 6 times a year. I would have it every night if I could, but she just isn’t often interested. She’s 44 as well. We never had sex every day during our marriage, but when we were young, it was multiple times per week. I have tried to be romantic, I have tried to be dominant, I have tried begging, I have tried different times of the day, but sex is reserved for only when she wants it, and she is always the instigator. If I want it there is always an excuse, the old headache excuse, the kids might still be awake, period, etc. What really frustrates me is that when she wants it, I give it, I can’t say no, and the sex is fantastic, I want it the next day, but it’s always back to normal, no time, kids, don’t feel good, etc. I also workout, run, lift free weights, eat healthy, so my libido is very high.

Well, the other day it was our anniversary. I had a plan on our anniversary night that would make me irresistible to her. I had been secretly taking some sexy selfies of myself that I would present to her on our anniversary night, and do a Striptease for her in my construction gear. On our anniversary, I got the kids out of the house for the night. We went to her favorite restaurant, walked around a bit in our favorite part of town, held hands, it was great. I flirted with her, she flirted back...it was working! Got home, snuck some yellow roses (her favorite) into the bedroom, put on the red light, had my selfies on the iPad next to the flowers, put my construction stuff on (hard hat, vest, jeans, tool belt) and called her upstairs. She was so happy to see the flowers, but saw the pictures and me and burst out laughing. That’s ok, I thought, don’t take me too serious! She swiped through a couple of pictures, I turned on some music and she turned beet red in the face. Couldn’t even make it past pic #3. And the pics weren’t lazy d—k pics, I tried to be artsy, even funny, just a few pics in my construction gear without a shirt on. She gave me a nice hug, thanked me for the flowers, she said she can’t do this and left the room. I was left humiliated, confused, embarrassed, devastated. I put some normal clothes on, went downstairs, and it was like nothing ever happened. She told me I might have to go pick up our oldest from a friend’s house at midnight and talked about the business of the following day. I didn't really say anything and went to bed. This was a couple of days ago, and I have tried to act normal and not brought it up, even though I am still very hurt by what happened.

So do I try to discuss this with her? She rolls her eyes and shuts down when I want to bring up the subjects of sex and intimacy, so I try not to. Did I go too far with the selfies and Striptease that I didn’t get a chance to perform? I want to tell her I’m sure there are plenty of wives in the world that would appreciate and enjoy the gesture, especially given the shape I’m in, but I’m not even sure that’s true. I’m just to the point where I’m ready to give up on having a “normal” sexual relationship with my wife, and I don’t like where that may lead...any husbands out there ever try selfies and Stripteases to spice things up, with or without success? Anything else I can try?
I think that you made the classic mistake that so many make, and that is assuming that your wife wants the gestures that you would like. So maybe your thought process went like this. I would love my wife to take some sexy pictures of herself to send me, and that she would do a striptease. So, I will do the same. It rarely works because men and women ate different in what they like and what turns them on. Hence why she loved the flowers but laughed at the rest.

Having said that, I think its sad that your wife won't make an effort for you. Maybe some good MC may help, but I do think she needs to know that for you this cant go on. That the marriage is at serious risk.
 

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You've married my wife... :laugh:

I can tell you, nothing will work. You don't have a relationship anymore. It's all family and kids. Sit her down and have a serious talk. Maybe suggest marriage counselling. My inkling is that she doesn't love you anymore. She cares about you but she's lost the spark for you and she is trudging along giving you a little bit of sex to keep you happy. Mind you, if she agrees to step up, she will be doing it for you, until you are are empty-nested. The fact that the sex is good when you have it, means nothing. She gets turned on and she enjoys it, but it doesn't mean she is prepared to do it all the time... once in a while is nice. Or I really do hope that she has an epiphany and everything will be ok. Somehow, I doubt it. I've been there.
 

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Loving that you put so much effort in

But if your wife does not have much libido, then a striptease and sexy pics would have been way too much for her. That's more for someone with a drive as high as yours.

When a person is not much into sex, moves like might even seem a bit repulsive and overtly sexual rather than romantic and loving.

Did she used to like more risque sex, and perhaps do striptease for you? Is that her style? Did she like you being dominant?

She was with you on the romantic side and possibly up to some sex until you made it about your over sexed self. Then it possibly became all too much for her.
Until H made it about "his oversexed self" ?

H shared they have sex about six times a year. How does that translate into "oversexed"

Respectfully this contradicts the info shared.

And there's nothing wrong with a H planning a sexual encounter with his W, I mean, who else is he supposed to plan to have sex with?

How in the world is it being implied it's the H fault for an unsuccessful evening?

Whaaattt?
 

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If my husband would have done this after 18 years marriage I would have done the same as your wife quite honestly. The focus for men seems to be sex, we see and don't appreciate it as there is alot more to us and life as a married couple. I am assuming your wife was turned off because there is not enough out of the bedroom connection, whether that is emotional support or just the occasional hug and kiss that does not lead to anything else. We need to know that we are appreciated and wanted for more than sex.
Pffffttt!!

There's nothing in the info that indicates OP ignores his W unless he wants sex.
 

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But he's trying. It seems that, on their anniversary, she would have responded similar to "that's nice dear, not what I was looking for, I was looking for this (and dear God tell him what she's looking for) and turn in around to an evening that still has the evening ending with some closeness, and sexual intimacy too.

I mean, they have been married 18 years.

If Hs actions weren't what she was looking for she's had plenty of time to for God's sake tell him.

And take some responsibility at least to create some closeness with her H.

I mean really.

It takes two to tango. 😘😘
 

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Ok, so the two of you basically don't have a relationship except what it takes to run a household and raise kids. This kind of neglect of the relationship is typically what makes marriages fail. You are both responsible for the current state of your relationship. The good thing is that it can be fixed.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. Then once you have learned what needs to be done, ask her to read the books with you and the two of you do the work together.

The love and passion can be rebuilt in a marriage if the couple is willing to do the work. It often takes one of them to take the lead.
To throw a bit of cold water on suzannah/ pollyanna, This only works when the couple is willing. It never works when one member despises the other. It is a rare gift you have been given, More often disgruntled wives hide their feelings and leave you hoop jumping for scraps of affection. In your unique situation these books would be as likely to help you as Ele's recommendations. Bushcraft 101 or Tactical fly fishing If you want to take up reading, My very serious suggestion is you choose something you enjoy for a change.

This translates into other areas of life. If you make breakfast, make what you like. If you go on an outing, go where you like. If you buy flowers, Buy what you like. Getting respect starts by giving it to yourself.
 

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She’s a bit more moody, I’m sure that comes with age / menopause. She had surgery last year to remove a cyst around her lady parts, but we were still probably around half a dozen times per year prior to that. She Doesn’t think she looks all that good anymore, but I don’t think she’s got self esteem issues, she will walk around in front of me in her underwear or even mostly naked and not bat an eyelid. It sucks, because I am still very much attracted to her, and she must think I’m kidding when I tell her she’s my dream girl.

If I beg in bed, I try to keep it light, simple, joking around. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m serious. When I say dominance, I just move in on her aggressively but she just pushes me away and kind of laughs and says not tonight...
Ok partner. No one can tell exactly what her problem is, and she does have a problem, but what is clear is that she has zero respect for you as a man. She doesn't even consider you a man.

You are a paycheck/provider/father/brother figure/roommate.

You have probably been far too accommodating of the illusions she has built up over the years.

You need a come to Jesus meeting with real consequences that will result if you don't want to continue being a disrespected, controlled little boy thing.

You do have to understand that she might be just fine with her contemptuous behavior towards you and you might have to be willing to end it unless you are willing to put up with it.

I would start getting your legal ducks in a row. See what your options are so you know your rights beforehand and you are prepared in case keeping you as a castrated pet is her goal.

She needs to understand that her contempt is unhealthy and unacceptable for you to want to consider continuing with her.

Read a couple of books. No More Mr. Nice Guy, What Do Women Want by Daniel Bergner, The Love Language series, Love Buster's.

You might want to implement some form of the 180 because she is flat out harming you emotionally.

She needs to understand that she is seriously harming the marriage, endangering her children's future because she has such contempt for the father of her children that she is destroying her relationship and for what?
 

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yes, exactly... she's checked out... 6 times in a year? It tells you everything there is to know. I was upset with 24...
Well look at you IA giving advice like a pro...

OP, it is time to get out of this marriage. I know you don't like that though, I know you think you love her, I get it.

Like IA said, she has checked out and sounds like she has been for a while.

The chance of saving this marriage and having it be properly sexual and happy are about.

If she is having an affair, about a 50% chance, it is less than a zero percent chance...

Time to get out.
 
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