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Hi All, I’m a 44 year old construction worker who has been pretty much happily married to my wife for 18 years, with 3 kids ranging in ages from mid teens to preteens. The only hangup I have in our relationship is a lack of intimacy. We may have sex 6 times a year. I would have it every night if I could, but she just isn’t often interested. She’s 44 as well. We never had sex every day during our marriage, but when we were young, it was multiple times per week. I have tried to be romantic, I have tried to be dominant, I have tried begging, I have tried different times of the day, but sex is reserved for only when she wants it, and she is always the instigator. If I want it there is always an excuse, the old headache excuse, the kids might still be awake, period, etc. What really frustrates me is that when she wants it, I give it, I can’t say no, and the sex is fantastic, I want it the next day, but it’s always back to normal, no time, kids, don’t feel good, etc. I also workout, run, lift free weights, eat healthy, so my libido is very high.

Well, the other day it was our anniversary. I had a plan on our anniversary night that would make me irresistible to her. I had been secretly taking some sexy selfies of myself that I would present to her on our anniversary night, and do a Striptease for her in my construction gear. On our anniversary, I got the kids out of the house for the night. We went to her favorite restaurant, walked around a bit in our favorite part of town, held hands, it was great. I flirted with her, she flirted back...it was working! Got home, snuck some yellow roses (her favorite) into the bedroom, put on the red light, had my selfies on the iPad next to the flowers, put my construction stuff on (hard hat, vest, jeans, tool belt) and called her upstairs. She was so happy to see the flowers, but saw the pictures and me and burst out laughing. That’s ok, I thought, don’t take me too serious! She swiped through a couple of pictures, I turned on some music and she turned beet red in the face. Couldn’t even make it past pic #3. And the pics weren’t lazy d—k pics, I tried to be artsy, even funny, just a few pics in my construction gear without a shirt on. She gave me a nice hug, thanked me for the flowers, she said she can’t do this and left the room. I was left humiliated, confused, embarrassed, devastated. I put some normal clothes on, went downstairs, and it was like nothing ever happened. She told me I might have to go pick up our oldest from a friend’s house at midnight and talked about the business of the following day. I didn't really say anything and went to bed. This was a couple of days ago, and I have tried to act normal and not brought it up, even though I am still very hurt by what happened.

So do I try to discuss this with her? She rolls her eyes and shuts down when I want to bring up the subjects of sex and intimacy, so I try not to. Did I go too far with the selfies and Striptease that I didn’t get a chance to perform? I want to tell her I’m sure there are plenty of wives in the world that would appreciate and enjoy the gesture, especially given the shape I’m in, but I’m not even sure that’s true. I’m just to the point where I’m ready to give up on having a “normal” sexual relationship with my wife, and I don’t like where that may lead...any husbands out there ever try selfies and Stripteases to spice things up, with or without success? Anything else I can try?
 

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No it is not odd that you would do this for your partner. Has she showed any other signs of lost time. Or has she alot of spare time by herself?
 

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A bruise ego is hard especially when it comes up short of ones expectations. Do you notice any strange behavior prior to your sexual interactions. (Something unique) or does she just say to you come on hubby do your job. You do state that it is enjoyable for you both. She seems to be too much into your kids, and just is use to that.

Some may say it could be hormones, and that's is maybe a good starting point. Have you ever just pleased her and not attempted to also get your needs met. While in bed why are you asking, some women have said they don't respect a man if they have to beg or plea. When you say dominance, what do you mean?
 

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Loving that you put so much effort in

But if your wife does not have much libido, then a striptease and sexy pics would have been way too much for her. That's more for someone with a drive as high as yours.

When a person is not much into sex, moves like might even seem a bit repulsive and overtly sexual rather than romantic and loving.

Did she used to like more risque sex, and perhaps do striptease for you? Is that her style? Did she like you being dominant?

She was with you on the romantic side and possibly up to some sex until you made it about your over sexed self. Then it possibly became all too much for her.
 

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Are you okay with her being emotional comfortable in the face of your own discomfort?

If not, nothing will change.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
 

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Reading through your post, I was expecting a show-down at the OK Corral. What did I get - "I put some normal clothes on, went downstairs, and it was like nothing ever happened."

Really, you couldn't muster even an "I'm sorry you were embarrassed. Can you imagine how I felt when you laughed?". Ask her how she would feel if you laughed at her one of the six times a year she gets horny.

Stop tip-toeing around the damn tulips and lay it on the line. Six times a year is not normal.

And, if things are this bad now, just wait 'til menopause hits - it's right around the corner.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
No, she works a part time job and takes the kids to their after school or nightly activities. I don’t believe she has time to mess around with someone else, so I don’t believe infidelity is a concern.
 

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No, she works a part time job and takes the kids to their after school or nightly activities. I don’t believe she has time to mess around with someone else, so I don’t believe infidelity is a concern.

Theirs another poster here and in his open relationships time needed was only 5mins don't be naive in your assumptions, hell some women get off by giving **** meeyes in front of their spouse. Personal experience so. I'd you got that she's a good girl mentality , stop and be proactive and help each other secure your relationship.
 

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While I applaud your effort and think it was a fantastic romantic gesture, it was probably too intense considering the current state of your intimate relationship. I totally agree that this kind of gesture is appropriate in a marriage, but she's just not receptive at this time. She'll probably need to make much more effort to personally get in the mood rather than you creating the mood for her externally.

I think you need to get at more the core issue of why she's not interested in intimacy and find ways to make her understand that intimacy is a critical part of a healthy marriage. While it's true that it's possible to have a marriage without intimacy, that marriage will not be healthy. Lack of intimacy is a fatal disease for a marriage and will lead to a variety of harmful outcomes. You are implying you are looking into alternatives. Those alternatives rarely lead to a healthier marriage.

This latest incident is a perfect opportunity to bring up the discussion, but you shouldn't try to fix it yourself. I think you should bring up the fact that your anniversary didn't have any intimacy and that's a problem in-and-of itself. Tell her that this is a serious issue and you guys need professional help. Tell her you want to go to marriage counselor to help you work through what is going on because you're not going to continue in a platonic relationship. Tell her you understand if she's not interested in intimacy, but if she's committed to that and it's going to be the case in the future, then you guys need to start planning for how to split up.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
A bruise ego is hard especially when it comes up short of ones expectations. Do you notice any strange behavior prior to your sexual interactions. (Something unique) or does she just say to you come on hubby do your job. You do state that it is enjoyable for you both. She seems to be too much into your kids, and just is use to that.

Some may say it could be hormones, and that's is maybe a good starting point. Have you ever just pleased her and not attempted to also get your needs met. While in bed why are you asking, some women have said they don't respect a man if they have to beg or plea. When you say dominance, what do you mean?
She’s a bit more moody, I’m sure that comes with age / menopause. She had surgery last year to remove a cyst around her lady parts, but we were still probably around half a dozen times per year prior to that. She Doesn’t think she looks all that good anymore, but I don’t think she’s got self esteem issues, she will walk around in front of me in her underwear or even mostly naked and not bat an eyelid. It sucks, because I am still very much attracted to her, and she must think I’m kidding when I tell her she’s my dream girl.

If I beg in bed, I try to keep it light, simple, joking around. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m serious. When I say dominance, I just move in on her aggressively but she just pushes me away and kind of laughs and says not tonight...
 

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Get serious NOW. Don't let this fester. Momentum fuels the very worst things in a relationship.

If the present situation isn't working for you (and it shouldn't be), then you need to tell her this- "The present situation isn't working for me." And follow that up with "And if it's not working for me, it's not working for us. There is no good future version of "us" that I can see if things stay like this."

She has to know that this is a serious issue, which is tough when, so far, sounds like you've not treated it like one. So why should she. Come up with a list of things that you're willing to do to improve things with your wife, and find out how many of those things she's willing to help with. Suggest both individual therapy and marriage counseling.

But don't let things just go along as they have until eventually you weaken and look elsewhere. You made a vow, she made a vow, when you married. You're both responsible for the contents of that vow. Either one of you has the power to end the marriage vows. Is that her intent? Maybe it should be asked in exactly that way, and see where that leads.
 

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Loving that you put so much effort in

But if your wife does not have much libido, then a striptease and sexy pics would have been way too much for her. That's more for someone with a drive as high as yours.

When a person is not much into sex, moves like might even seem a bit repulsive and overtly sexual rather than romantic and loving.

Did she used to like more risque sex, and perhaps do striptease for you? Is that her style? Did she like you being dominant?

She was with you on the romantic side and possibly up to some sex until you made it about your over sexed self. Then it possibly became all too much for her.
I guess I never thought about it that way, that this might be too much for her. But I was desperate, and looking at this as a sort of last resort, Hail Mary that had a great chance of success. She does like me being dominant, we have tried very light bondage, nothing too wild, just some handcuffs and stuff like that.

If she sent me pictures like I sent her, and offered to do a Striptease for me, our marriage would be over, as I would be so excited that I would keel over and die from a heart attack.

And I guess your last statement could be right. I don’t know.
 

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A bruise ego is hard especially when it comes up short of ones expectations. Do you notice any strange behavior prior to your sexual interactions. (Something unique) or does she just say to you come on hubby do your job. You do state that it is enjoyable for you both. She seems to be too much into your kids, and just is use to that.

Some may say it could be hormones, and that's is maybe a good starting point. Have you ever just pleased her and not attempted to also get your needs met. While in bed why are you asking, some women have said they don't respect a man if they have to beg or plea. When you say dominance, what do you mean?
She’s a bit more moody, I’m sure that comes with age / menopause. She had surgery last year to remove a cyst around her lady parts, but we were still probably around half a dozen times per year prior to that. She Doesn’t think she looks all that good anymore, but I don’t think she’s got self esteem issues, she will walk around in front of me in her underwear or even mostly naked and not bat an eyelid. It sucks, because I am still very much attracted to her, and she must think I’m kidding when I tell her she’s my dream girl.

If I beg in bed, I try to keep it light, simple, joking around. Maybe she doesn’t think I’m serious. When I say dominance, I just move in on her aggressively but she just pushes me away and kind of laughs and says not tonight...
Well maybe now is the time to incourage her, I a different way have her give you oral, or a hand job. And the do the same for her, gently place her hand or you place hers dim the lights get some aroma therapy of sorts. Oils massage , feet rubbing for her and slowly bring her in to your world of Love.... Just saying
 

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Get serious NOW. Don't let this fester. Momentum fuels the very worst things in a relationship.

If the present situation isn't working for you (and it shouldn't be), then you need to tell her this- "The present situation isn't working for me." And follow that up with "And if it's not working for me, it's not working for us. There is no good future version of "us" that I can see if things stay like this."

She has to know that this is a serious issue, which is tough when, so far, sounds like you've not treated it like one. So why should she. Come up with a list of things that you're willing to do to improve things with your wife, and find out how many of those things she's willing to help with. Suggest both individual therapy and marriage counseling.

But don't let things just go along as they have until eventually you weaken and look elsewhere. You made a vow, she made a vow, when you married. You're both responsible for the contents of that vow. Either one of you has the power to end the marriage vows. Is that her intent? Maybe it should be asked in exactly that way, and see where that leads.
It’s been festering for years now, and I agree, now is the perfect time to to get serious, but I guess I’ve been afraid of upsetting the status quo by getting serious, because other than a lack of intimacy, things are fine, we get along, we don’t argue much, have common interests, but even that might be because we aren’t around each other a lot on weekdays due to jobs, kids activities, and on the weekends we are often around friends or family or out at the soccer fields or basketball courts. I think maybe we just need to get away from it all for a weekend.
 

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While there are probably ways for you to get her in the mood, I would suggest you *not* try to do that right now. For a long-term solution, I think it's more important to take this opportunity to work with her on changing her mindset around intimacy. She needs to take an active role in this process and figure out how to be more open to intimacy. If you take on the responsibility for turning her on, then it allows her to be completely passive about the whole thing. You try a striptease, she says no. You try a massage, she says no. and so on and so on. It shouldn't be up to you to try a 1000 different things hoping to find the one thing that works. She'll always have a new excuse (that's completely made up) that you'll end up having to work around. Instead, her mindset needs to be that intimacy is as important as all the important things in marriage and she can't just take that out of the marriage.

Even if it is a chore to her, she need to at a minimum realize that it's a chore that must be done. Does she have to be in the mood to do laundry, mow the yard, wash her car, etc? Does she only do those things 6 times a year when she feels like it? Probably not. She realizes those things are just normal parts of life and she does them without thinking about all the ways to get out of them.
 

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A weekend away is not going to fix this. An empty nest will not fix this.

The only chance you have of not enduring a sexless marriage (sex less than ten times per year) is to have those difficult conversations with her.

You're only 44 and I can guarantee that there are plenty of women who would love to have a husband like you. I can also guarantee that very few men are hankering for a wife who puts out 6 times a year.

You need to shake up her world. You need to get serious about fixing this or move along to divorce court. Right now, you're just doing time on Maple Drive.
 
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