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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I got married sept 2011. About 2 months before we were married my wife played a message for me off her cellphone from an ex asking to get together for his birthday. She did this straight out of spite because she wanted to hurt my feelings at that moment. Then followed the worst month of my life feeling compelled to track her cell phone and computer. Nothing came of it and i resigned myself to just saying that the ex was a creep who was looking somewhere he shouldn`t have. We got married. Had a great day and a few awesome months and then the sex just plin stopped for 2 months. I couldn't touch her in a sexual manner without having my hands pushed away. I started getting depressed. And i wouldn't even try at all. Last week we went to weight watchers together,I'm 226 and she's 178. Actively working on our selves and i dont mind at all because i no longer work at a physically demanding job. And now there is a new turn of events i do not know what to make of. Her old friend from hs has come back to town after a divorce. I've met him. And read an email that she sent him saying "i just wanted to express im glad you're back in my life." And the sex we have been having is copious and ****ing amazing. But i cant help but wonder. I honestly cannot understand the drought we had. To go from nothing to the thing we have been doing this past week. God this goes so much deeper. After 2 months shouldn't she have been tight? Why does she use the business email?(not a coworker) and this makes me suspect of him and her... why last thursday after dance did she say was going out with him and a girfriend for sushi call and invite me. I have usually said no to sushi in the past-And then i say ill show up. Boom.. no girl all the sudden. Wife sounds angry on the phone. And there i am with this awkward suspicion. it would have been him and her alone. I usually say no to sushi. I dont know if i am overly suspicious, not cut out for marriage, or onto something. Wtf ami doing here? If someone has experience or an opinion let me know.
 

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And read an email that she sent him saying "i just wanted to express im glad you're back in my life." And the sex we have been having is copious and ****ing amazing. But i cant help but wonder.

Why does she use the business email?(not a coworker) and this makes me suspect of him and her....
Really? Suspect her? How could her message be taken any other way?
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You've got issues with her my friend!

If my fiance pulled that message crap 2 months before our wedding, I would have run out of their screaming! It was a preview of what you're going through now and probably will the rest of your life! Any kids? If not, don't start a family until you resolve these issues!

So she was supposed to be out with him and another girl and when you showed up (unexpectedly?) it was just here and him? If so, HUGE red flag!

I don't know if she is actively cheating on you or not but the increased sex is also another possible red flag.

Go to the Coping with Infidelity forum and read up!
 

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She should not have these men in her life. She lied about going out dancing with this guy and his GF. That really was not cool even with the GF. But without the GF they hooked up one way or another. She is being unfaithful..

I have no idea why she is seeking out other men or why you have put up with it.

Yes this should move to coping with infidelity.
 

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It sounds like there are some definite boundary issues with her. Whether or not she wanted to see this guy, she shouldn't have misled you about who would be there. Dishonesty is a serious problem, especially this early on in your marriage. Even if everything else turns out okay, you guys need to make sure that honesty and trust have a front and center position in your lives together.
 

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Get an annulment and send this cheating tramp on her way.
This, for sure. You don't want trust issues this soon into your marriage. They won't get better, they will get worse. :/ Probably shouldn't have married her after the stunt with the ex, but live and learn.

Don't blame yourself and say that you aren't cut out for marriage- she is the one who doesn't seem to be ready. You just need to develop a better picker and find someone who is.
 

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Eject! Eject! Eject!

It isn't going to get better from here. It is going to get worse. Probably much worse.:(
 
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You made 2 critical mistakes. First you went ahead with the wedding as if she was a loyal partner. If she was, she hid it well. Secondly, you let her get away with an attempt at an assignation with an ex, lying to you and treating you with disrepect.

Please think about this. Why did she marry? Did these ex's dump her? She seems more interested in dating them than being your wife.

Sorry but my impression is that she settled for you. She may have really wanted one or both of the ex's but thought they were gone. Now they are back. My impression is that she is making a play for them while treating you like a safety in the backfield.

You have a great deal to think about. Take some time, talk to a select few mature friends and or family. first and foremost, stop letting her treat you like sh!t. Come down hard ion the deception and tell her not to see the ex again she can't be trusted. Then go to MC if you are considering this salvageable.

Put your foot down and stop running after her. This is my take, pure speculation - She is sure you are going to hang around while she dates her ex's to see if she can get something going with one of them. You are hanging on her every move like her lap dog. I am certain you are not a chump. You are acting like one now.

It is shock no doubt but shake yourself out of your lassitude. Knowing what you know now, are you certain that you want to get in deeper with a woman who is deceptive, does not respect you and has sex with you based on some mysterious algorithm and not love. You are young, don't have kids and you can get out cheap.

You may have married a woman who is not worthy of you. I say that because she is treating you like she does not value you.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I appreciate all this feedback. Though this post would go unnoticed. The ex that called her prior to our marriage i am 99% sure is way long gone. Even before her and i started dating. She didn't hide his phone message from me. But nonetheless it made me think that at any moment if i am not weary i could have the life i am working for could be destroyed utterly. I love my wife and it would kill me if i found out she was cheating. This friend of hers she never dated. He is newly divorced. I just don't know. I have met him. He wants to be my friend. I don't want to jump off the deep end and just up and leave my wife over one poorly worded email. I have enough patience to wait and see if theres something more concrete than that to confront her with. I'd like to thank you people for being my sounding board.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
So she was supposed to be out with him and another girl and when you showed up (unexpectedly?) it was just here and him?
It wasn't unexpectedly. I was invited. The only thing unexpected was. That i said i'd be there. We hang up and then she calls back and asks if I'm still coming and that her girlfriend wasn't in for sushi. And she sounded short and angry.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Really? Suspect her? How could her message be taken any other way?
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This her high school friend she never dated. He moved away for a few years. I might be able to see myself saying something like that to a friend that's been away... but i wouldn't word it like that. Hell no.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
They didn't go dancing. She teaches all girl bellydance. It was the sushi after dance class the gf backed out of.
 

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Long after we were married. 4 days ago.
I can't think of any legitimate reason for a married woman to be chatting, emailing, texting, or talking with any other man about the great sex they used to have. Whether her vagina is cheating or not, her mind and heart are. If she can't stay faithful even a year, you don't need her and neither does any other sane man.
 

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You are not in a good spot my friend! It is an opportunity for you to learn to handle this type of woman's actions better. two suggestions:
1. read "Boundaries in Marriage" to learn how to be comfortable with your wife's actions.
2. Realize she has broken your trust and that she has the responsibility to prove her loyalty to you. If she doesn't you have your answer about your relationship.
 

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Trust issues can cause incredible stress and anxiety, and also lead to long term depression issues. I'm dealing with it right now. I'm slowly coming out of it, but because my marriage was my rock, my foundation, all the other problems I felt I could handle with ease became substantially more difficult to address. At my worst times, even something as simple as taking my children to the park was almost unbearable for me.

I can't tell you to walk away from her, I'm still working on my marriage now. I would say she needs to know how breaking trust can affect a marriage, and how even the most unassuming private little conversations can destroy that trust. I've been dealing with this for more than a year now and we are still not back to where we were before, but we are making strides. It sounds to me like communication within your marriage could use some work. I wouldn't give up on her yet.
 
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