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Discussion Starter #1
Wife and I have been married for 15 years and has been a typical marriage and has been successful. However I’ve noticed a few changes over the past 6 months or so with my wife, she is 42 very attractive and works in lending. She has begun telling me that she has become confident in her looks and has noticed other guys checking her out and lt makes her confident , in the past she never drank very much, but now drinks occasionally at home and at times wants to go hang out with her married coworkers to have drinks, either at a local bar or there home, she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues, and has become lackluster in the intimacy side. I don’t feel she is the type to stray but am wondering if she is going through a midlife crisis or something else. She is also the most attractive girl in her office and have discovered that she is worried about her boss hiring a new younger female admin. I overheard her saying the guys in her office want to hire her because she is young and cute, and that she would just dress up more for work. She Is a god fearing Christian who believes in Christ and is wholesome. I’m just worried that she might be going through a midlife crises that might get worse before it gets better. And advice of thoughts? TYIA!
 

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she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues, and has become lackluster in the intimacy side.
I don’t feel she is the type to stray
She Is a god fearing Christian who believes in Christ and is wholesome.
Her behavior is straight out of the Cheater's Handbook, and, the Bible. Every God-fearing christian is subject to the same temptations as all people are. And, the bible
is full of examples where people who, in the majority of their lives, were God-fearing, but the "cares of this world" caused them to stumble and fall. By His magnificent mercy,
some of them came to restoration "on the other side" of their selfishness, but it was never without pain, and pain for the innocent bystanders who were close to the selfish person.

"Midlife crisis" describes your wife's actions perfectly. As Barney Fife said "...nip it in the bud....". You are correct that the path she is on will get worse before better. The way to "nip it" is to EXPOSE her behavior to friends, family, her pastors or presbytery, and cause the pressure of the church-at-large to do its job. It doesn't always work, but it's worth a shot.

Remind her that she can return to God anytime, she doesn't have to wait until her life is destroyed. Paint the picture for her, of how you will be GONE if any of this turns into more than it currently is. She has a CHOICE. If there are any kids, point out the destruction that will happen to them if her current path is continued.

hubbyintrubby said:
I think you'd be surprised who is and who is not the "type to stray". Most never see it coming, not in a million years.
We recently had a local pastor who was quite a philanderer over many years. I didn't know the man well, he was only a brief acquaintance, but he "looked" like the pillar of truth and the fully-consecrated dispenser of it. I would have, never in a million years, suspected this was his path, from the pulpit to the brothel. His path eventually led to the murder of two of his wives and a prison cell for the rest of his life. It was incredible news to hear, I was utterly flabbergasted.....
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I give her attention, I do a majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, I understand relationships has its ups and downs but this seems different. She seems to have taken a different perspective on life the past 6 months, she seems to focus more on her job than our relationship, and I get the leftovers. I feel there is something else I’m not seeing, maybe she is worried she’ll lose here work swag when her boss hires a younger female, maybe it’s her, maybe it’s me or both of us. The biggest thing is I have asked to see her “work” cell phone that she uses as a personal cell with all her social media etc... and she won’t show it to me, and has mentioned older customers have told her she is attractive & which I expect a man in there 60’s-70’s to do. But I can’t get over the fact she won’t show it to me/be transparent with it. Also she wanted to go have drinks with her female coworker and husband at a local bar on Valentine’s Day, and has expressed that she now wants to go have fun with her coworkers “girls trip” out of towns to shop and bar hop (something she never wanted to do in the past). Last year she went to her company Christmas party and stayed overnight at a hotel with most of her colleagues, got very intoxicated which is very out of her character, and said she enjoyed partying with her coworkers because she didn’t have to worry about me or the kids. She used to criticize those who party and get drunk, but now she seems to accept it and want to partake in it (without me). It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks
 

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I give her attention, I do a majority of the cooking, cleaning and laundry, I understand relationships has its ups and downs but this seems different. She seems to have taken a different perspective on life the past 6 months, she seems to focus more on her job than our relationship, and I get the leftovers. I feel there is something else I’m not seeing, maybe she is worried she’ll lose here work swag when her boss hires a younger female, maybe it’s her, maybe it’s me or both of us. The biggest thing is I have asked to see her “work” cell phone that she uses as a personal cell with all her social media etc... and she won’t show it to me, and has mentioned older customers have told her she is attractive & which I expect a man in there 60’s-70’s to do. But I can’t get over the fact she won’t show it to me/be transparent with it. Also she wanted to go have drinks with her female coworker and husband at a local bar on Valentine’s Day, and has expressed that she now wants to go have fun with her coworkers “girls trip” out of towns to shop and bar hop (something she never wanted to do in the past). Last year she went to her company Christmas party and stayed overnight at a hotel with most of her colleagues, got very intoxicated which is very out of her character, and said she enjoyed partying with her coworkers because she didn’t have to worry about me or the kids. She used to criticize those who party and get drunk, but now she seems to accept it and want to partake in it (without me). It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks
I guess I mean attention as in romantic attention, not household chores. Flirting, making sure she knows she's wanted in and out of the bedroom, taking time to warm her up, etc. That kind of thing. Once that goes, especially near that mid-life time, things can go sideways in a real hurry.
 

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She seems like she is living 2 separate lives, her home life and her work life. I don’t know why she doesn’t involve you with her work, why she wouldn’t take you to the Christmas party.

I think that you need to force her to Include you at work functions. And if you don’t have a life and hobbies Of your own I think I you should get some.

When she says things like other people tell me I’m attractive, I think that is the time to open up and have a conversation with her about why she is really telling you that. Is it to make you jealous, her way to tell you to step up her game, her way of warning you.
 

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I feel there is something else I’m not seeing
If it waddles, quacks, swims .... it's a duck. Nothing else needs to be seen.

It sounds confusing because I’m confused. Thanks
Well, sir, sorry to say, but I'm not a bit confused. I just don't have a problem accepting "ducks", but I understand why you would. BTDT. When it happened to me, I made all kinds of excuses, including the "christian woman". I think my W was a christian, but she had a besetting sin which ruined her marriage and her life.

You have let this go too far already. Don't waste another minute. Come down. Hardball.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Have my own hobbies, and give her plenty of attention in and out of the bedroom, maybe too much. I feel and sense there is nothing going on with her extramarital, but I do feel she is attracted to the rush she gets with her work life. She Loves her job, but I feel she sometimes writes me out of here worklife. I do know she texts/messages her customers for business purposes but I do know that a lot of small talk happens in those conversations to. I think whatever is going on with her is at th infant stages but could grow depending on how I manage it. Biggest thing that concerns me is her not showing me the phone, and here electric smile that I’ve seen when I overhear or see when she talks with her female coworkers about her attractive customers
 

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It’s almost like she’d rather stay at her workplace and hang out with her coworkers than spend time at home and god forgive give me a chance to take her out, to clarify my earlier point I’ve always asked to take her out or a quick trip away together over the years and she never wanted to but now wants to with her female coworkers (she’s asked to do so just once ) I’d be ok with her going but I feel she should have done so with me in the past first. Is there any recommendations on how to ask her to see her phone and actually getting to see it?
 

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she won’t let me see her “work” cell phone because of work related privacy issues,
Look up 20year's thread here on TAM. Her lying cheater did the same exact thing - acted like all his work stuff had to remain private becaue it was SUCH a confidentiality breach if he were to dare make phone calls to clients in the house where his children or wife might overhear a snatch of his side of the conversation as they walked past him. So the phone was locked up tight and his computer and everything else - and he actually made all his phone calls OUT IN HIS CAR in the driveway. A briefcase full of condoms brought this idiot down.

That ******** excuse that you're not allowed to see her work phone because of privacy issues is such a load of manure that it isn't even funny. She's hiding stuff and she knows it. How convenient for her to hide behind the "breach of confidentiality" rules like 20year's lying husband did - and got away with for over 10 years until he got sloppy and left a year's worth of condoms in his briefcase.

Midlife crisis my ASS.

I don’t feel she is the type to stray
That's what they ALL say before they find out quite differently.

She Is a god fearing Christian who believes in Christ and is wholesome.[/QUOTE]

That means absolutely nothing anymore. You should see all the stories about women who have affairs with priests and men if the cloth.

Better stop trying to delude yourself and start digging for the truth, or you're going to have the rug pulled tight out from underneath you.
 

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I hope for your sake that you aren't too late, but somehow I doubt it.
At a very minimum, she doesn't respect you much.
After reading Post #4, she seems to enjoy rubbing your face in it.
I don't know why you're not pissed. You should be.
She wants to go hang out with another COUPLE on VALENTINES DAY and you aren't invited?
WTH! Why does she want to be a "Third Wheel?"
She goes to her Christmas party and you aren't invited. Then she stays out all night?
She won't go on a trip with you, but she wants to go with a bunch of girls she works with? Are they single or married?
Then she wants to go out barhopping all the time. Again, you are excluded.
Secretive with the phone and social media. This stinks to high Heaven.
It looks like you are being played. You need to be cool for a moment. Secure an attorney. Line your financial ducks up.
Then you go big. Sit her down at the table. Take control of the situation. Tell her you know she's cheating. If she isn't, it is incumbent upon her to prove that to you. She starts with giving up the phone. All social media is presented to you for your inspection. IF she leaves the room with the phone, marriage is over. It may be over anyway.
If she can prove that she is relatively clean, you need to outline for her what your terms are. Whether its IC, another job, whatever, she owes it to you and your kids to make things right.
 

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Yeah the fact that SHE went out with a couple (Are you SURE it was a couple?) on V-day and left YOU HOME?? Nope, no way. That is MAJOR disrespect. She is showing all the signs.
She stayed overnight with her co-workers? Why were you not at her Christmas party? I know a lot of financial firms DON'T invite spouses -- mine doesn't and I don't go anymore after my wife and I had a talk and she mentioned that it kind of bothered her -- she trusts me, but it upset her a bit that spouses were NOT invited. SO, I stopped going. PERIOD. Don't buy the "I need to show my face" bs either.

There are just too many things here -- now girls night out, girl trip weekends, her talking with them about attractive clients -- NOPE. NONE of that is showing that she has boundaries to defend your marriage and is extremely disrespectful of YOU.
 

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It's unanimous, she has another who is and has tickled her heart and her emotions.
DO NOT BE FOOLISH AND BELIEVE IT CAN NOT HAPPENED TO YOU. Cheaters are not special nor have a defense against it. Are you willing to lose your marriage to keep it?

Marriage is to be open, if your wife asked to see your phone, what would be your response? Right. No problem. Nothing is different if the roles are reversed, nothing. Draw this hard line now demand it, ( seeing her phone) and or file if this doesn't get her attention nothing you will do in the future will.

And her Christmas party she sealed the deal to her affair partner. Don't be simple. Be that man who will fight for the marriage, but because she has done things NO MARRIED woman should stay out all night after partying. Give me a break!

I am sorry your here, but what you are doing, at your home is a trait of a Beta man. You need more of your alpha side to come out.
 
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Discussion Starter #17
Her excuse for the going to events without me is she rather one of us be home with the kids??, also the work cell phone thing is a no brainer I just need advice on how to get her to show it to me
 

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No not a stay at home dad and she says it’s company policy because she sends texts to customers about loan docs etc
So when wouldn't she trust you with her life. To keep it to yourself It seems not. Just don't believe lies. If it comes to you reading or a polygraph test, which she may cast dispersions against it, who cares once she you believe in it is all that matters. And this will show you her true feeling's and or if she has something to hide.

But if you find your worst fears are indeed true, would you keep her knowing she did with another what she does with you?
 

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Discussion Starter #19
Als the Christmas party was out of town an there whole organization stayed at the same hotel went dancing etc.. of all the coworkers that were there I was the only spouse not there so I don’t feel the Christmas party was a cheating adventure just feel like she should have wanted me to go
 

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Als the Christmas party was out of town an there whole organization stayed at the same hotel went dancing etc.. of all the coworkers that were there I was the only spouse not there so I don’t feel the Christmas party was a cheating adventure just feel like she should have wanted me to go
Take you wife off of that pedestal Now!! And you were the only spouse not there sorry my man she doing it with another. And as far as girls nite out stops 6 months ago. Your going to see your value in your marriage shortly.
 
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