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Hello, I am new here and stressed/upset beyond belief. I hope that you all will not add more stress by judging me for what I have been going through willingly....until now. I have been dating a fellow (much younger) for 7 plus months now and he informed me in the beginning that he likes to wear women's underwear and I considered his preferences with an open and non judgmental mind thinking that "God doesn't care what you wear". He talks like he is a believer and even has prayed at the table.

I am a Christian and hoped that maybe he would grow closer to God with subtle influence from me. I fell in love with him and it seems like every month or so BIG surprises entered our relationship in regards to his issues. He is heterosexual he says and acts but also has a feminine side that he needs to fulfill by not only wearing panties but also going full on dress up (no makeup because he is very male looking). It didn't turn me off because the few times he did it he was soooo happy and sweet and I wanted and want him to be happy.

The next surprise was his admittance of liking soft porn or basically just looking at women in pretty underwear and he showed me the site he goes to and what he looks at. I purchased beautiful lingerie to please him and he made me feel so beautiful. He said he looks at the other women but they are only pictures and I am his sweetheart who he loves so much. Now (last night) he sprung a big on on me by telling me that a year or so ago he was looking up his friend's wife's skirt and commented on her panties and the woman did not take it well especially after his admittance of his love of wearing women's underwear. I couldn't handle it.

I was supposed to spend the night with him and I backed out. He threw a fit and I left. My self esteem, even though he has always been complimentary to me, has been suffering off and on for months. We have parted ways 3 times mostly with him leaving but the last time I just couldn't take how nasty he was to me. It is always about his "issues" and my feeling just fall to the wayside when he gets angry or hurt. He left again this morning and I swore that I would end it for good but I am becoming weak because I love him so much except for the hurt he causes me. Sorry if I sound confused but I truly am. Please be kind with you comments and thankyou for your responses.
Missy
 

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Every time you think about going back with him, stop and remember all the bad stuff that he's done to you.

Do you know the difference between a woman who is with a good man who treats her well and a woman who is with a man who mistreats her?

The woman with the good man, has a boundary that she enforces. She will not allow herself to be mistreated. The FIRST time a man mistreats her, she dumps him and never looks back.

The woman who is with a man who mistreats her has no boundaries. She basically allows herself to be mistreated and on top of that, makes excuses for her abuser and going on about how much she loves him. SHE allows it to happen.

Why don't you love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be mistreated?
 

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@MissyE You may love him, but that doesn't mean that he is right for you.

And a man who will look up the skirt at his friend's wife without her consent (or her husband's consent) is a pretty crappy person.

He might claim to be a Christian, but he's also a hypocrite.

Oh, yeah, and he doesn't consider your feelings! I've met guys like this myself. I met a guy through online dating a couple years ago. He admitted to me that he had a foot fetish, and he likes sucking toes. I thought, "Well, that doesn't really do it for me, but OK, if you want to suck my toes, you can suck my toes. Doesn't bother me." I told him so, and he said that he appreciated how open-minded I was. We continued conversing, and then he told me that he's not gay, but he does like to go to gay clubs and give blowjobs sometimes, but that doesn't make him gay. And I was thinking, well... it kinda does, and I'm not interested in dating a guy who does that, for multiple reasons. I told him so, and said I enjoyed meeting him, and I hope that he finds someone who is a better fit. And he got upset with me, and started calling me close-minded and saying all kinds of awful things.

You know what? The complete disrespect and disproportional anger towards me sealed the deal, and was WAY worse than the fact that he like to give men blowjobs. Because the sexual thing wasn't personal, it was just basic incompatibility. But he decided to make it personal and attack me, call me names, and insult my integrity.

Your boyfriend is doing the same thing. Is that really someone you want to be with? More importantly, is that the behavior of someone who loves you?

It doesn't sound very loving to me.

Your boyfriend obviously has some kinks, and he's revealing them to you one at a time, to see how you will react. I have a feeling that he's conditioning you to accept more and more, and I'm feeling that there are some pretty big things that he still hasn't revealed to you yet. Just warning you, there's more stuff coming if you stay with him.

The porn thing... pretty much every man looks at porn. There are the men who admit to looking at porn, and all the other men just lie about it. I can understand how you would find that upsetting, though.

I think you should break it off with him for good this time, and find someone who is a better fit for you and who will treat you better.
 

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Unfortunately you cannot fix him and I say this a lot on TAM: you cannot love a man into changing. I have the same religious beliefs as you do and even though he claims to be a Christian he is definitely not behaving like one.

I know women who have stuck with bad men because they think they can pray them into changing. I am not belittling the power of prayer. On the contrary, I believe in it. But unless they want to change you cannot change them. In this case it is not for you to change this man. He cannot be the good man you are willing him to be. He needs to deal with his issues before he can be anything to anyone.

He likes looking at soft porn and you buy lingerie so you can validate and fuel his porn addition. You demonstrate a lack of self esteem and can benefit from ypu focussing on yourself.

You’re not married to him. I think the wise decision would be to leave him and learn from this chapter of your life.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you so much for all of your replies. Yes, my self esteem has been declining for at least the past 5 months and I can't let that happen any more. I saw a quote "Treat yourself like a prize" and I will be focusing on that and not him. Again, thank you all.
 

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@MissyE One more thing... you mentioned that you tried to end it before, but you were "weak" and went back to him. Is there someone in your life who can be your coach on this? Who you can talk to about this? Who, when you are feeling weak and want to go back to him, you can call, and she will talk you down from the panic and the bad feelings, and she will boost you up and tell you that he's no good for you, and you are better without him?

Find this person, and explain what is going on. Everything. Ask them to check in on you every couple days, and let them know that you will be calling them when you are feeling weak, and you need them to talk you out of taking him back.

Having someone like this can be a huge help.

There are two types of support friends will offer. Some will support you, no matter what you're doing/choosing, and they won't say anything, even if they disagree with what you're doing. They want you to be happy, and they think that you know what can make you happy better than they can. Others, the ones who are opinionated about everything, can see when something is bad for you and they aren't afraid to tell you when you're being stupid. THIS is the friend you want to call when you're weak, because this is the friend who will be brutally honest with you, even if it feels mean in the moment.
 

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Every time you think about going back with him, stop and remember all the bad stuff that he's done to you.

Do you know the difference between a woman who is with a good man who treats her well and a woman who is with a man who mistreats her?

The woman with the good man, has a boundary that she enforces. She will not allow herself to be mistreated. The FIRST time a man mistreats her, she dumps him and never looks back.

The woman who is with a man who mistreats her has no boundaries. She basically allows herself to be mistreated and on top of that, makes excuses for her abuser and going on about how much she loves him. SHE allows it to happen.

Why don't you love yourself enough to not allow yourself to be mistreated?
And..........you now know the difference between a women who is a man who mistreats her.

Find a man who is happy in his skin, not hers. Hers is a variable equation.
 
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MrMarried is OH so right.

There are many more ugly surprises to come if you stay with him.

Count on it.
 
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