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Discussion Starter #1
Good afternoon and Happy Veteran's Day!

About me: I'm a 35 year old divorcee with 3 amazing children. I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for 5 years. After my divorce, I took a year to figure me out and to research dating because I didn't have any adult dating experience. I was over-fat and lost 70 pounds and have maintained my healthy weight for the past 4 years; I've really enjoyed reinventing me. I had one serious dating relationship that ended, but mutually on a good note. Since that time (the past 2 years), I've been single and In June decided to try online dating. As an aside, I'm a former educator that's recently gone back to graduate school full-time in the health care arena. I'm seeking advice in my new relationship that began online in August 2012.

I met this guy online in August and we really clicked (have a lot in common) and have talked every day since then. I didn't have any expectation of a relationship (friendship); yet, I remained optimistic and I'm really fond of him. He lives in the Midwest while I live in the South. In October, I flew to meet him. We had an amazing visit w/o sex and now we've decided to take our relationship to the next level. We're now learning one another's inner workings, which makes us both vulnerable, yet it's a necessary part of a relationship. We've planned to spend a week together in late December to early January. He's also a professional that has decided to go back to school (part-time).

He has a child from a previous relationship and his child lives in New England. He doesn't see his child often but does pay child support. I recently learned that he doesn't have a parenting plan or visitation schedule in place. Because he's been so together, this is causing me to raise an eyebrow. He's now seeking my input in reference to his daughter and her mother. I do not believe its my place to give such advice; yet, I gave it to to him. I decided moving forward that I would not give advice because I felt my advice was one-sided and emotionally based; it's now static and factually based information. I'm beginning to think that he was fishing for a particular woman to take on his headache. The problem is that I love him (that's what really fond of him means); yet, I don't want to be taken advantage of or become naive. He's the type of guy that I want; but, I wasn't really wanting to ever date a man with children. Because I really don't want to deal with his unfinished business. For the most part, I don't have drama with my ex spouse; yet occasionally there will be a hiccup or five. We get through it w/o battling. At first, it didn't seem that his situation was strife-ridden; yet, it's now rearing its head and he thinks it will build once his ex learns of our relationship.

I really don't know what to do. I've weighed the pros/cons and I'm still at ground zero. I've prayed about it and I believe that God works through people so I'm seeking feedback from a neutral, outside source. Please supply me with your feedback or contact me if you need additional information to give me an opinion. Thank you in advance for your audience and time.

TheEruditeOne
 

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Fondness aside. Drama is drama, and if you don't want any part of it then you have a responsibility to yourself to keep your distance.

I'm thinking he's trying to get you involved because you too are a single parent. From a custodial parent's view, he may see you have insight to his situation that he doesn't (being the non-custodial parent).

Point is, you don't want to get involved. So don't.
 

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You have 3 children - and are looking for a male partner who has none. It appears that your children are "amazing" and a future partners children are their "unfinished" business?




Good afternoon and Happy Veteran's Day!

About me: I'm a 35 year old divorcee with 3 amazing children. I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for 5 years. After my divorce, I took a year to figure me out and to research dating because I didn't have any adult dating experience. I was over-fat and lost 70 pounds and have maintained my healthy weight for the past 4 years; I've really enjoyed reinventing me. I had one serious dating relationship that ended, but mutually on a good note. Since that time (the past 2 years), I've been single and In June decided to try online dating. As an aside, I'm a former educator that's recently gone back to graduate school full-time in the health care arena. I'm seeking advice in my new relationship that began online in August 2012.

I met this guy online in August and we really clicked (have a lot in common) and have talked every day since then. I didn't have any expectation of a relationship (friendship); yet, I remained optimistic and I'm really fond of him. He lives in the Midwest while I live in the South. In October, I flew to meet him. We had an amazing visit w/o sex and now we've decided to take our relationship to the next level. We're now learning one another's inner workings, which makes us both vulnerable, yet it's a necessary part of a relationship. We've planned to spend a week together in late December to early January. He's also a professional that has decided to go back to school (part-time).

He has a child from a previous relationship and his child lives in New England. He doesn't see his child often but does pay child support. I recently learned that he doesn't have a parenting plan or visitation schedule in place. Because he's been so together, this is causing me to raise an eyebrow. He's now seeking my input in reference to his daughter and her mother. I do not believe its my place to give such advice; yet, I gave it to to him. I decided moving forward that I would not give advice because I felt my advice was one-sided and emotionally based; it's now static and factually based information. I'm beginning to think that he was fishing for a particular woman to take on his headache. The problem is that I love him (that's what really fond of him means); yet, I don't want to be taken advantage of or become naive. He's the type of guy that I want; but, I wasn't really wanting to ever date a man with children. Because I really don't want to deal with his unfinished business. For the most part, I don't have drama with my ex spouse; yet occasionally there will be a hiccup or five. We get through it w/o battling. At first, it didn't seem that his situation was strife-ridden; yet, it's now rearing its head and he thinks it will build once his ex learns of our relationship.

I really don't know what to do. I've weighed the pros/cons and I'm still at ground zero. I've prayed about it and I believe that God works through people so I'm seeking feedback from a neutral, outside source. Please supply me with your feedback or contact me if you need additional information to give me an opinion. Thank you in advance for your audience and time.

TheEruditeOne
 

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A Bit Much--

Acknowledged. Drama is drama. LOL. I don't manufacture it; therefore, I don't want to ship and handle it. You know, I'm not going to listen to reason, right? You know I'm going to rationalize why I should try to adjust and if I gets too much I can exit at a turn key with my exit ticket. LOL.

Seriously, I'm going to consider your point: that I don't like drama and that drama is drama fondness aside. I appreciate your response more than you know.
 

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A Bit Much--

Acknowledged. Drama is drama. LOL. I don't manufacture it; therefore, I don't want to ship and handle it. You know, I'm not going to listen to reason, right? You know I'm going to rationalize why I should try to adjust and if I gets too much I can exit at a turn key with my exit ticket. LOL.

Seriously, I'm going to consider your point: that I don't like drama and that drama is drama fondness aside. I appreciate your response more than you know.
Well at least you realize it for what it is. You can play the game or leave the ball on the court. Totally up to you. Good luck to you. :)
 

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I agree with the fact that you have kids and expect to find a male with no children also. My aunt is the same way and I tell her the same thing.

My advice would be; do for him what you would want him to do for you.
If roles were reverse what would you want him to do, and go from there.
 

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Hi -

I apologize but I am confused.

What is his unfinished business?

Is he divorced?
How old is his child?
How often does he see his child?
Why do you not want to date men with children when you have three of your own?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Hi, Emerald. You needn't apologize. I'm glad to explain. He's never been married but was in a long term, committed relationship with his ex. Because he doesn't have a parenting plan and visitation schedule in place, he's got unfinished business with his ex. The child is 8. It was never my plan to date a man with children. While my former boyfriend didn't have any kids, he wasn't willing at 36 to take on the commitment of a family. That won't work so we didn't work. I decided to try something new. I didn't want to date a man w/children because I didn't want to deal with any potential issues that may arise surrounding w/ an ex surrounding the child(ren). Because his daughter is so young, I thought I'd give it a chance.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Hi, Cloudwithleggs. I don't know why your posting disappeared but I wanted to reply to your concerns. When we met, he knew that I had children. He, on the other hand, only dates women with children. He shares your opinion that single parents understand single parent issues. When I said unfinished business, I was referring to the fact that he hasn't executed a parenting plan with a vitiation schedule. I think this is a great source of continuing confusion and frustration that needs to be addressed. So, he has unfinished business. I didn't mean anything negative with my term "unfinished business".

Thank you for the feedback!
 

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I am recently remarried with a stepson age 7. Being a stepmom is hard. I have no feelings for this child. It is not the same as raising my own biological children. If I knew then what I know now I would have purposely looked for a man without children or whose children were adults. That being said my husband is an amazing man and is worth the effort of putting up with the mess. There are so many messed up people out there. If you have truly found someone you love then I feel it is worth it. When it comes to his son I just detach myself as much as possible, let him handle the parenting and dealing with his ex wife. Not your kid not your problem. Figure out expectations early on. If he wants you to step in and take care of everything then I'd think twice.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Hi, CurlySue. I appreciate your insight. I have had mixed feelings with blended families as an educator; I see the affects on the children. That being said, because I love him; I love his child as the child is apart of him. He's enthusiastically embraced the concept of being involved in my children's' lives (I think in part b/c he doesn't interact w/his child often) and looks forward to developing a relationship w/them (despite my ex husband and I residing in the same community). We're moving forward together and this forum will be a great support for me. Thank you, again.
 
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