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I'm a 38 year old stay at home mother of 3 who has been married for 17 years but with my husband for 20 years. We have.....struggled.....alot over the years but I would assume any couple that have beem together as long as we have has their share of problems. My husband and I come from wildly different backrounds. He comes from a conservative militarty old school Catholic family who still believes that you don't talk to people about your problem. His parents have been married for almost 40 years and his family is highly against divorce. They were against our matching. I come from a broken home. My parents are both severely mentally ill drug addicts and alcoholics who were severely abusive and neglectful. I raised my brother and sister and came out of it all with PTSD, anxiety, depression.....which I'm told constantly that I just need to "get over". I believe in questioning things, being accepting and kind.....even when it isn't deserved. I believe in standing up and being heard and protecting those who can't protect themselves and I teach these values to my children. My husband and I started off so much on the same page. But.....somewhere as he got older he became more and more like his parents. Now he judges everything that I do and say. He says he loves me and supports me but with that constant hint of distain and disapproval. And what's worse is that he does it with the kids too. He acts like he'd rather be anywhere else.
And he's the one who works. It was a decision we both made when our oldest was 2. But he's always been terrible with finances. However, his parents have money and always bail him out. Over the years he's lost our house, lost us an apartment, he lies about paying bills. He refuses to allow me to take over the finances because he says I already emasculate him in our marriage enough and he can't be happy in our marriage if he's not in charge of finances. But I can no longer tolerate the instability of it all. Not for me, but for the kids. I just find it hard to even see a glimpse of the man I fell in love with. I'm lost and scared and lonely. But I put on a brave face and smile and reassure the kids that their daddy still loves them and is just having a tough time when they ask why it feels like he doesn't like them or like he doesn't want to be there. And if I try to talk about it......he says it's all in my head. You know.....since I'm the one with "mental problems"......so......I'm lost.
 

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Please note that your earlier family problems followed you into your marriage. Minus drugs.
Your new family has mental problems. And they have undermined you.

Your husband sounds like a Momma's boy who never grew up. And who had resented his Momma, now he resents you.

Why am I saying this?

Sometimes Fate continuously steps in your path, bringing the wrong people into your life. This is what happened.

Nobody likes to be reminded that they are screwing up. And your husband certainly has, and you have rightly reminded him of this.

You need to be that strong lady again. The one that steps forward and takes care of your kids (as you did your brother and sister).

You need to go to school if you have not a college degree and to get a job. Go to your local two year technical college and start classes.
If you do not have one of those nearby then go to the least expensive four year college. Talk to the school counselors and find out what jobs are going unfilled in your area.

I would say just get a job, save your money and move out after a year or two. But getting a better job is the ticket. Money is tight, for sure. Some colleges will hire you while you attend.

You do need to get out and divorce.
You do need to break the cycle of living with dysfunctional people.

In the meantime, bite your lip, do not criticize your husband. Make his life easier, that way he may not fight you when you go off to school.
I would tell him that if you can get a good job, the families money worries will be lessened.

Do not tell him that you are getting yourself ready to jump ship. He does not need to know this.

Formulate a plan and work it.


KB-
 

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I'm sorry you find yourself in such a bad marital situation. Assuming your children are now in school, I'd suggest you seek employment. Being kept in the dark about finances is no way to live. It's being made much worse by the fact that your husband sounds like he's irresponsible with money. Add to that already bad mix that his parents continue to enable the behavior by bailing him out … well, you have a recipe for disaster, don't you?

I think it's great you were able to be a SAHM, but at what cost to you?
 

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There are many types of mental problems and they don't only belong to people who come from broken homes. Are you ready to do what needs to be done to get out of a bad marriage and support your kids? Going to college before leaving him would probably get you the best chance of success. There are plenty of two year programs that will allow you to make enough to support your kids, like nursing, but don't tell him your plans. He would try and sabotage so he could be in control.
 

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My suggestion is to get a job and get out. You have allowed yourself to become trapped by agreeing to stay home. Surely your kids are all well into full time school by now, yes? So no need for you to be home alone all day every day. He isnt holding up his end of the deal if he is allowing things to happen such as losing your home! Completely irresponsible. You are a grown woman and you can damn well get a job if you choose to, he doesnt get to say what you can or cannot do. If you dont think you can do this, just look at how he affects your kids.. you NEED to do this for them.
 
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