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3K views 30 replies 14 participants last post by  Taxman 
#1 ·
Happily married. We've got a good family life balance. We have our problems, but I don't think we do to badly raising the kids.

Im on here looking for help improving the romantic side of things. The romantic side isn't really bad, but there's always room for improvement and Im running out of ideas.

Thanks for reading,
Matt
 
#3 ·
Take it from someone who has been doing this for 42 years. Don't stop. We have plenty of friends who just stopped. The marriage got stale, the physicality dropped off, and the marriage either ended or is in a state of being a zombie. Romance waxes and wanes throughout the years. Keeping it fresh, whether from slight variations on your sexual repertoire, or through mommy and daddy only vacations (that was my firm rule, kids get one, we get one.) Relating to one another as lovers rather than Mom and Dad, that has kept it fresh. We found that as we aged, and we kept up being with one another, and treating the marriage as if it were new, has really worked out well. Among our friends we are the ones that have ended up staying together.

If you get into a practice of acting like this when you are younger, it carries through to your golden years. We are over 60, in pretty good shape, and we have sex, a lot. With no kids in the house, looking and acting young, we are poster children for keeping it going.
 
#9 ·
Forgetting we were people first and not parents almost killed it for us.

The point remains the same. Able or not, time is something that should not cost anything.

What about holing up in your bedroom for a couple of hours. It may take a while before intimacy/romance returns. Just be together. Can a sitter (young neighbour) come over for a couple of hours and take them to the park or play with them away from you? Can you house swap with a friend for a few hours?

The thing I hear at TAM time and time again is that men want ROMANCE, which to them is connection and closeness with their partner. Often we women hear "sex" and "just one more thing we have to do" after being tired and taxed out all day.

Some of it is about changing the way of looking at it, both of you. Her understanding how you view this and your understanding about what works and what doesn't.
 
#10 ·
Exactly what I was thinking. Doesn't have to be two weeks per year. A couple of hours in the bedroom or we have even sneaked away for an hour in a hotel room. I remember being on business travel for a week and the morning I got home, I went and got a hotel room and picked up some lunch. Then went to my wife's place of employment to take her to lunch to reconnect.

A date with your SO at least once per week is critical. Doesn't have to be a dinner and a movie. Have someone watch the kids for two or three hours and watch Netflix, then do the same for them. The point is, make romance and connecting with you SO a priority.
 
#11 ·
The important thing is don't make it about sex. Not at first. Sneak off to a hotel to laugh and lunch. Picnic by the river. Pressure initially is not appreciated. But still, we women have to change our attitude about what it is our partner is looking for. It's not sex. It's emotional connection, closeness. Society tells us its sex. "all men think about/want is sex"

There are some good books out there. His needs/her needs. 5 love languages. But you still have to have that conversation. Men call it sex. Took me 20 years to figure it out.
My poor husband. Don't know why he was so patient about it.

When he was finally ready to walk (and so was I) was when I woke up

Don't be me. Don't wait 20 years. It will pass before you know it. And you can't get that time back.
 
#18 ·
We used a get an opportunity last year where we had couple hours on a Friday before needing to collect the kids from nursery on a Friday. We’d go out for an early meal. It was short and sweet, without having to sort babysitters. Our kids are at school now, so we don’t get that opportunity.

We need to look at something like that again. It was good.

I’ll have a read of those books you suggested.

Thank you
 
#28 ·
Sometimes romantic stuff doesn't need to be a big deal. How about getting flowers for her at random times -- just because.
Grab her hand and hold hands while walking in the mall, or while you are driving.
How about just going up to her at a random time in the day and give her a hug? Make sure when you get home, go to her and get a hug/kiss before even dropping your bag off. How about coming home and just telling her "let's order something for dinner" to give her a break?
Just you and her go to a farmers market on a Saturday morning -- just for an hour or two.

Simple gestures mean a lot.

Also, I agree with folks here on you are not just parents. I've always told my wife that I love my son and would do anything for him, but she and I are the PRIMARY relationship. Kids grows up and leave to have THEIR lives. My wife and I will be there together when that happens so we need to be primary.
 
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