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Happily married. We've got a good family life balance. We have our problems, but I don't think we do to badly raising the kids.

Im on here looking for help improving the romantic side of things. The romantic side isn't really bad, but there's always room for improvement and Im running out of ideas.

Thanks for reading,
Matt
 

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Happily married. We've got a good family life balance. We have our problems, but I don't think we do to badly raising the kids.

Im on here looking for help improving the romantic side of things. The romantic side isn't really bad, but there's always room for improvement and Im running out of ideas.

Thanks for reading,
Matt
Croeso, Matt!
 

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Take it from someone who has been doing this for 42 years. Don't stop. We have plenty of friends who just stopped. The marriage got stale, the physicality dropped off, and the marriage either ended or is in a state of being a zombie. Romance waxes and wanes throughout the years. Keeping it fresh, whether from slight variations on your sexual repertoire, or through mommy and daddy only vacations (that was my firm rule, kids get one, we get one.) Relating to one another as lovers rather than Mom and Dad, that has kept it fresh. We found that as we aged, and we kept up being with one another, and treating the marriage as if it were new, has really worked out well. Among our friends we are the ones that have ended up staying together.

If you get into a practice of acting like this when you are younger, it carries through to your golden years. We are over 60, in pretty good shape, and we have sex, a lot. With no kids in the house, looking and acting young, we are poster children for keeping it going.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Take it from someone who has been doing this for 42 years. Don't stop. We have plenty of friends who just stopped. The marriage got stale, the physicality dropped off, and the marriage either ended or is in a state of being a zombie. Romance waxes and wanes throughout the years. Keeping it fresh, whether from slight variations on your sexual repertoire, or through mommy and daddy only vacations (that was my firm rule, kids get one, we get one.) Relating to one another as lovers rather than Mom and Dad, that has kept it fresh. We found that as we aged, and we kept up being with one another, and treating the marriage as if it were new, has really worked out well. Among our friends we are the ones that have ended up staying together.

If you get into a practice of acting like this when you are younger, it carries through to your golden years. We are over 60, in pretty good shape, and we have sex, a lot. With no kids in the house, looking and acting young, we are poster children for keeping it going.
Thanks Taxman,

I've got a few ideas on how to improve things. I going to run them past TAM first and see if they have other ideas or ways to improve my plans.

Im not sure about kids free vacations, but maybe we could have a weekend away on our own.
 

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Thanks Taxman,

I've got a few ideas on how to improve things. I going to run them past TAM first and see if they have other ideas or ways to improve my plans.

Im not sure about kids free vacations, but maybe we could have a weekend away on our own.
Do you both speak Welsh? If not, I would suggest taking Welsh language classes together, plus other classes so you could learn arts and crafts, to find out how to do things together.
 

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Im not sure about kids free vacations, but maybe we could have a weekend away on our own.
I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Lots of marriages fail (or just die a slow death) because once people (especially women - sorry ladies) have children, they FORGET that they're a man or woman FIRST, then a parent. Instead, they allow their complete identities to morph into being a parent. That's how romance dies, that's how intimacy dies, that's how it all starts going downhill - the minute you forget you're a man or woman FIRST.

Every single year my husband and I went away to a different island in the Caribbean for 2 weeks - just the two of us while our son stayed at Grandma's. They loved their time together - Grandma was in heaven, and the hubby and I got to spend time on our own without being parents for a couple of weeks. He's my ex now for other reasons (this was many years ago) but that doesn't negate what I said.

Stop scoffing at the kids-free vacations. As a married man and woman, you're ENTITLED to reconnect as a man and woman without having your kids attached to your hips. It's not a crime and they WILL magically defy the odds and survive the time you're gone. Really, they will.

You're MORE than a parent. Don't forget that - it sounds like you already have.
 

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I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Lots of marriages fail (or just die a slow death) because once people (especially women - sorry ladies) have children, they FORGET that they're a man or woman FIRST, then a parent. Instead, they allow their complete identities to morph into being a parent. That's how romance dies, that's how intimacy dies, that's how it all starts going downhill - the minute you forget you're a man or woman FIRST.

Every single year my husband and I went away to a different island in the Caribbean for 2 weeks - just the two of us while our son stayed at Grandma's. They loved their time together - Grandma was in heaven, and the hubby and I got to spend time on our own without being parents for a couple of weeks. He's my ex now for other reasons (this was many years ago) but that doesn't negate what I said.

Stop scoffing at the kids-free vacations. As a married man and woman, you're ENTITLED to reconnect as a man and woman without having your kids attached to your hips. It's not a crime and they WILL magically defy the odds and survive the time you're gone. Really, they will.

You're MORE than a parent. Don't forget that - it sounds like you already have.
Please remember that many couples don't have that luxury of having family who could have their children for 2 weeks, and even if they did, they couldn't afford a holiday like that, or any holiday.
 

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I am of the same mind as Diana on this one. Some people can't take two weeks off, and then have ANY vacation time off for anything else the whole rest of the year. Also, many parents unfortunately have to use their valued vacation time to stay home with sick children, children's appointments, attend school functions. Some families with children don't have the funds for annual even week long away holidays with just their spouse, either. Lower income families/couples don't have the same opportunities or luxuries as higher income families.

I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Lots of marriages fail (or just die a slow death) because once people (especially women - sorry ladies) have children, they FORGET that they're a man or woman FIRST, then a parent. Instead, they allow their complete identities to morph into being a parent. That's how romance dies, that's how intimacy dies, that's how it all starts going downhill - the minute you forget you're a man or woman FIRST.

Every single year my husband and I went away to a different island in the Caribbean for 2 weeks - just the two of us while our son stayed at Grandma's. They loved their time together - Grandma was in heaven, and the hubby and I got to spend time on our own without being parents for a couple of weeks. He's my ex now for other reasons (this was many years ago) but that doesn't negate what I said.

Stop scoffing at the kids-free vacations. As a married man and woman, you're ENTITLED to reconnect as a man and woman without having your kids attached to your hips. It's not a crime and they WILL magically defy the odds and survive the time you're gone. Really, they will.

You're MORE than a parent. Don't forget that - it sounds like you already have.
Please remember that many couples don't have that luxury of having family who could have their children for 2 weeks, and even if they did, they couldn't afford a holiday like that, or any holiday.
 

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Forgetting we were people first and not parents almost killed it for us.

The point remains the same. Able or not, time is something that should not cost anything.

What about holing up in your bedroom for a couple of hours. It may take a while before intimacy/romance returns. Just be together. Can a sitter (young neighbour) come over for a couple of hours and take them to the park or play with them away from you? Can you house swap with a friend for a few hours?

The thing I hear at TAM time and time again is that men want ROMANCE, which to them is connection and closeness with their partner. Often we women hear "sex" and "just one more thing we have to do" after being tired and taxed out all day.

Some of it is about changing the way of looking at it, both of you. Her understanding how you view this and your understanding about what works and what doesn't.
 

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Forgetting we were people first and not parents almost killed it for us.

The point remains the same. Able or not, time is something that should not cost anything.

What about holing up in your bedroom for a couple of hours. It may take a while before intimacy/romance returns. Just be together. Can a sitter (young neighbour) come over for a couple of hours and take them to the park or play with them away from you? Can you house swap with a friend for a few hours?

The thing I hear at TAM time and time again is that men want ROMANCE, which to them is connection and closeness with their partner. Often we women hear "sex" and "just one more thing we have to do" after being tired and taxed out all day.

Some of it is about changing the way of looking at it, both of you. Her understanding how you view this and your understanding about what works and what doesn't.
Exactly what I was thinking. Doesn't have to be two weeks per year. A couple of hours in the bedroom or we have even sneaked away for an hour in a hotel room. I remember being on business travel for a week and the morning I got home, I went and got a hotel room and picked up some lunch. Then went to my wife's place of employment to take her to lunch to reconnect.

A date with your SO at least once per week is critical. Doesn't have to be a dinner and a movie. Have someone watch the kids for two or three hours and watch Netflix, then do the same for them. The point is, make romance and connecting with you SO a priority.
 

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The important thing is don't make it about sex. Not at first. Sneak off to a hotel to laugh and lunch. Picnic by the river. Pressure initially is not appreciated. But still, we women have to change our attitude about what it is our partner is looking for. It's not sex. It's emotional connection, closeness. Society tells us its sex. "all men think about/want is sex"

There are some good books out there. His needs/her needs. 5 love languages. But you still have to have that conversation. Men call it sex. Took me 20 years to figure it out.
My poor husband. Don't know why he was so patient about it.

When he was finally ready to walk (and so was I) was when I woke up

Don't be me. Don't wait 20 years. It will pass before you know it. And you can't get that time back.
 

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Often we women hear "sex" and "just one more thing we have to do" after being tired and taxed out all day.

This I simply CANNOT understand -- I mean, I get the concept of it, and I understand that it's a real feeling for some moms, but when my kids were toddlers, I absolutely relished sex with my husband! It was the only time I was being touched for MY pleasure, instead of for the pleasure/needs/demands of my tiny tyrants....it wasn't even that I was sexually excited every time, but it was such a RELIEF to be doing something so adult and just for ME, it reminded me of who I really was and helped give me back some of the energy that caring for my small children took away...and it's always surprised me that so many other moms felt the exact opposite!
 

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No we don't sadly. That sounds like a good idea. I was thinking about something like Tango lessions.
Then go for both. Cookery classes, art classes, yoga, whatever is available. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #16
I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Lots of marriages fail (or just die a slow death) because once people (especially women - sorry ladies) have children, they FORGET that they're a man or woman FIRST, then a parent. Instead, they allow their complete identities to morph into being a parent. That's how romance dies, that's how intimacy dies, that's how it all starts going downhill - the minute you forget you're a man or woman FIRST.

Every single year my husband and I went away to a different island in the Caribbean for 2 weeks - just the two of us while our son stayed at Grandma's. They loved their time together - Grandma was in heaven, and the hubby and I got to spend time on our own without being parents for a couple of weeks. He's my ex now for other reasons (this was many years ago) but that doesn't negate what I said.

Stop scoffing at the kids-free vacations. As a married man and woman, you're ENTITLED to reconnect as a man and woman without having your kids attached to your hips. It's not a crime and they WILL magically defy the odds and survive the time you're gone. Really, they will.

You're MORE than a parent. Don't forget that - it sounds like you already have.
Apologies, I didn’t mean to sound like I was scoffing. I was very grateful for the advice given on TAM.

We have a few reasons why it would work for our personal situation. It’s not money.

We had kids later and did a lot of traveling first.

I think family holidays are good for our marriage. It’s nice to have the family time together, away from the stresses of work and an untidy house. We really enjoy them and always comeback feeling refreshed.

I do take onboard peoples advice about making time for ourselves. There are a few people on here making that suggestion. I think we could sort out a weekend away together.
 

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I'm going to let you in on a secret.

Lots of marriages fail (or just die a slow death) because once people (especially women - sorry ladies) have children, they FORGET that they're a man or woman FIRST, then a parent. Instead, they allow their complete identities to morph into being a parent. That's how romance dies, that's how intimacy dies, that's how it all starts going downhill - the minute you forget you're a man or woman FIRST.

Every single year my husband and I went away to a different island in the Caribbean for 2 weeks - just the two of us while our son stayed at Grandma's. They loved their time together - Grandma was in heaven, and the hubby and I got to spend time on our own without being parents for a couple of weeks. He's my ex now for other reasons (this was many years ago) but that doesn't negate what I said.

Stop scoffing at the kids-free vacations. As a married man and woman, you're ENTITLED to reconnect as a man and woman without having your kids attached to your hips. It's not a crime and they WILL magically defy the odds and survive the time you're gone. Really, they will.

You're MORE than a parent. Don't forget that - it sounds like you already have.
'Some' days you are wise lady, and this day is one.
 

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Discussion Starter #18
The important thing is don't make it about sex. Not at first. Sneak off to a hotel to laugh and lunch. Picnic by the river. Pressure initially is not appreciated. But still, we women have to change our attitude about what it is our partner is looking for. It's not sex. It's emotional connection, closeness. Society tells us its sex. "all men think about/want is sex"

There are some good books out there. His needs/her needs. 5 love languages. But you still have to have that conversation. Men call it sex. Took me 20 years to figure it out.
My poor husband. Don't know why he was so patient about it.

When he was finally ready to walk (and so was I) was when I woke up

Don't be me. Don't wait 20 years. It will pass before you know it. And you can't get that time back.
We used a get an opportunity last year where we had couple hours on a Friday before needing to collect the kids from nursery on a Friday. We’d go out for an early meal. It was short and sweet, without having to sort babysitters. Our kids are at school now, so we don’t get that opportunity.

We need to look at something like that again. It was good.

I’ll have a read of those books you suggested.

Thank you
 

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This I simply CANNOT understand -- I mean, I get the concept of it, and I understand that it's a real feeling for some moms, but when my kids were toddlers, I absolutely relished sex with my husband! It was the only time I was being touched for MY pleasure, instead of for the pleasure/needs/demands of my tiny tyrants....it wasn't even that I was sexually excited every time, but it was such a RELIEF to be doing something so adult and just for ME, it reminded me of who I really was and helped give me back some of the energy that caring for my small children took away...and it's always surprised me that so many other moms felt the exact opposite!
I think both sides need work i.e. quality time together and the passionate side of things. I just need help and ideas on how to improve them both.
 
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