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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I am a new member (obviously). I have been married to my wife for 6 years and up until recently we have had a good marriage. We are having some problems in our marriage that concern me. Hopefully talking them out will help and maybe someone will have a similar experience.


For the last 6 months my wife hasn't been herself. We use to have a very open and honest marriage, with secrecy. If I needed to look something up and didn't have my phone one I wouldn't hesitate to use hers, and vice versa. We knew each others passwords for everything and there were no surprises. If we had problems we were able to talk to each other about it. We had a good marriage.

My wife use to want to spend a lot of time with me (more than I wanted), but now she doesn't want to spend much time with me and gets frustrated when I do. She is on her phone non-stop. She takes her phone everywhere with her and it's basically glued to her hand. Even if she is just going from the table to the fridge at dinner to get something, she takes her phone. It never gets put down. She doesn't like me to use her phone or laptop. If I ask to use either she has to "check something" first or says no. She hides both when she isn't using them. When she leaves them laying around I check them. She clears her history a frequently. I haven't found anything on her phone or computer that leads to cheating. She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed.

We have always fought, but the fights are worse now. Previously our fights were almost exclusively about my ex. Now we are fighting more about her needing more space, which she has never wanted. Anytime I try and talk to her about this issue she finds something that I've done to spin the fight.

For a long time I've been concerned about cheating, but I haven't had any proof of that. She stays home with our kids and is almost always home. The kids haven't said anything about another man being around. Our sex life hasn't changed, if anything it's better. She hasn't changed her appearance or anything like that.

I've checked her phone and laptop and found nothing. Is there anything that can explain her behaviour besides cheating? She denies it, and there hasn't been any proof of it. She says nothing is wrong/she just needs space too.
 

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I am a new member (obviously). I have been married to my wife for 6 years and up until recently we have had a good marriage. We are having some problems in our marriage that concern me. Hopefully talking them out will help and maybe someone will have a similar experience.


For the last 6 months my wife hasn't been herself. We use to have a very open and honest marriage, with secrecy. If I needed to look something up and didn't have my phone one I wouldn't hesitate to use hers, and vice versa. We knew each others passwords for everything and there were no surprises. If we had problems we were able to talk to each other about it. We had a good marriage.

My wife use to want to spend a lot of time with me (more than I wanted), but now she doesn't want to spend much time with me and gets frustrated when I do. She is on her phone non-stop. She takes her phone everywhere with her and it's basically glued to her hand. Even if she is just going from the table to the fridge at dinner to get something, she takes her phone. It never gets put down. She doesn't like me to use her phone or laptop. If I ask to use either she has to "check something" first or says no. She hides both when she isn't using them. When she leaves them laying around I check them. She clears her history a frequently. I haven't found anything on her phone or computer that leads to cheating. She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed.

We have always fought, but the fights are worse now. Previously our fights were almost exclusively about my ex. Now we are fighting more about her needing more space, which she has never wanted. Anytime I try and talk to her about this issue she finds something that I've done to spin the fight.

For a long time I've been concerned about cheating, but I haven't had any proof of that. She stays home with our kids and is almost always home. The kids haven't said anything about another man being around. Our sex life hasn't changed, if anything it's better. She hasn't changed her appearance or anything like that.

I've checked her phone and laptop and found nothing. Is there anything that can explain her behaviour besides cheating? She denies it, and there hasn't been any proof of it. She says nothing is wrong/she just needs space too.
Really?

This post just seems so vanilla and naive...
 

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Go silent run deep.

Stop questioning, become a smiling secretive detective.

If you keep questioning and pressure her she will take this 'something' underground.

Others will tell you how to snoop.

Say nothing until you have a smoking gun, or you find one is not 'there'.

If she is innocent of cheating, the fact that she hides her communication is one form of cheating.

She is hiding her innermost thoughts.
You should be her outermost sounding board.

Be patient, not a patient in a psych ward.

Just Sayin'


[THRD]
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I don't think she is cheating. Maybe I just don't want to believe that she would/could, but I haven't had any proof of her cheating. She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often. I could be looking too far into that. I have looked at her phone extensively and her computer. She clears her internet history but I haven't found anything. No weird apps, no texts, no unknown numbers, no strange emails. I spent hours trying to find an online dating profile, nothing. Our sex life is good and hasn't gone sour. I've checked the phone bill, there is nothing there.

The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it. And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping.

If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?
 

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She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often.
The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it.?
So does she go out to work or not?
 

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It's important that you provide as much detail as possible to receive the best advice.

At first I thought she was a stay at home mom .... but now it sounds she works. Even a part time job opens the door to meeting someone face to face and is a very different situation.

You both should read: NOT JUST FRIENDS by shirley glass. It's available used on Amazon. It will provide some common understanding as to how 'friends', texting etc threaten a marriage.

It sounds like she may be in an emotional affair (limited to texting) which often escalates to sex. If it's with a man at work, then you need to identify him.
Her response about snooping or needing her privacy is typical (what else can she say?).

Does she receive texts in your presence? Does she respond immediately or leave the room?
Is the phone gps turned on (so you can track her)?
What social media accounts does she have?
Does her cell phone sync to the laptop.
Who manufactured her cell phone and laptop?
Is her cell phone account in your name?
What email provider does she use?
What APP does she use for texting?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Sorry I should have been more clear. She doesn't work, for an income. She volunteers once a week for an afternoon. When I said "work" that is what I was referring to.

She generally responds to texts whenever she gets them. She doesn't hide her phone when she is texting. At least not all the time. She does leave the room often to "check something" or "go pee", but it doesn't seem to be a pattern of getting a notification then leaving.

I haven't used her gps to track her. She does keep it on though.

She has Facebook and Instagram. I don't think she has anything else.

As far as I know they don't sync. Her phone is a Samsung S6-7. Her laptop is a mac.

Cellphone account is in my name. I have checked her call records and found nothing unusual.

Her email is Gmail and outlook.

She uses the standard texting app that's preset on Samsung phones.
 

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Does she take the phone into the bathroom or when bathing?

Unfortunately, you not only do not have access to her phone but it's password protected.
I think you may have to discuss why the sudden obsession with privacy.

In the meantime you could set up voice activated recorders in her car, the kitchen and/or bath or where ever she's likely to carry on a private conversation.
VAR isn't fool proof because texting seems to be the cheaters choice of communicating (at least in the beginning).

You could take an afternoon off and discretely observe her during her volunteer activity.

In event you can get access to her phone or direct access to her gmail or social media accounts:

If the gps is on, then you can access her location history (google it for the specifics).

There's two levels of 'delete' in gmail....individually deleted emails are first collected in Trash.
Trash is found under Other: If she hasn't cleared out the trash then you can read the emails.

Note: both facebook and instagram have a private texting feature (cheaters love this feature). Instagram also has a feature where the photo disappears after one view. Spyware (developed for parents to monitor kids) can intercept the texts but I don't think deleted texts can be recovered from FB or Instagram.

Even without access, you can check her friend lists from your own social media accounts to identify potential boyfriends or guys you don't know.

There's software that can recover texts from the standard samsung APP and deleted photos but the texts are often fragmented.

Finally, people often use the same password for multiple accounts. So you may just need one password.
 

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The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it.
That's plausible, at least.....

And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping.

If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?
Not much else..... why would she have 5 pictures of the same guy who you don't know, with no explanation ? The only pictures of women I have are of my wives (I've been widowed twice), or of women in our extended family.

My wife wouldn't have any questions about who any of these women are. And, if there happened to be (a very remote possibility) some picture she didn't already know, I would have an immediate answer..

I wouldn't dream of telling my wife to "stop snooping".... I have no secrets. All my passwords are written down into a file that my wife knows. If she wants to access anything on any of our computers, she can. I only have a flip phone, and the phone account is in her name.
 

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I don't think she is cheating. Maybe I just don't want to believe that she would/could, but I haven't had any proof of her cheating. She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often. I could be looking too far into that. I have looked at her phone extensively and her computer. She clears her internet history but I haven't found anything. No weird apps, no texts, no unknown numbers, no strange emails. I spent hours trying to find an online dating profile, nothing. Our sex life is good and hasn't gone sour. I've checked the phone bill, there is nothing there.

But you don't know at this time. You have many redflags.

The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it. And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping.

She wants full privacy. Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing

If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?
You should keep your mouth closed ears and eyes wide open. All you've done is alerted her.

If it's cheating you'll find like most they all find the time and a way to get it done.

I'd be checking out her volunteer job. All cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.
 

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You should get a could VAR (voice activated recorder for the house and car, if she is talking to someone you will hear her side of the conversation...also does she have WhatsApp or Kik on her phone. Lastly you could have a friend or pi follow her when she leaves the house.
 

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If it's cheating you'll find like most they all find the time and a way to get it done.
I'd be checking out her volunteer job. All cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot.
And, they "gaslight".... tell you things like "you're crazy", refuse to validate your observations, etc.

I smelled a rat when my exW was happy about me going away to work for a few days. My first question upon discovering her affair was "....when did she do it?..." It became obvious that she did it while I was away at work.....after I discovered it....

I loved the character Lenny Briscoe on Law and Order....one of his axioms was "....charity begins at home, adultery begins at work...."

Whatever you do, do not ever (EVER) think that your judgment is no good, invalid, or that you're "crazy". There is a REASON you feel the way you do.

Some people say "the spouse is the last to know". That is wholly incorrect. The spouse is the FIRST to know....he/she is only the last to admit
(to themselves) it's true.
 

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I don't think she is cheating. Maybe I just don't want to believe that she would/could, but I haven't had any proof of her cheating. She's a stay at home mom, so she isn't having a workplace affair. She rarely goes out. The times that she does go out unexplained or suspiciously are not often. I could be looking too far into that. I have looked at her phone extensively and her computer. She clears her internet history but I haven't found anything. No weird apps, no texts, no unknown numbers, no strange emails. I spent hours trying to find an online dating profile, nothing. Our sex life is good and hasn't gone sour. I've checked the phone bill, there is nothing there.

The only thing that I found was a man's email address in her saved autofill, but she takes the laptop to work and said she let someone login to his email on it. And 5 pictures of some man I have never seen before. Those are huge red flags to me, she didn't have an excuse for the pictures. Told me to stop snooping.

If it's not cheating, what else could explain the behaviour?
She's a SAHM but took her laptop to work?
 

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My wife use to want to spend a lot of time with me (more than I wanted), but now she doesn't want to spend much time with me and gets frustrated when I do.
She is on her phone non-stop.
She takes her phone everywhere with her and it's basically glued to her hand. Even if she is just going from the table to the fridge at dinner to get something, she takes her phone. It never gets put down.
She doesn't like me to use her phone or laptop. If I ask to use either she has to "check something" first or says no. She hides both when she isn't using them.
When she leaves them laying around I check them. She clears her history a frequently.
I haven't found anything on her phone or computer that leads to cheating.
She has been going out for groceries, hair, nails etc. and either taking longer than normal or coming back empty handed.


So many red flags (above) in here, she is cheating, sorry.
 

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Buy her a new phone (sync it to your PC) and install software that allows you to monitor her activity.
There's software developed for parents to monitor their kids.

If she communicates through a social media APP (like facebook), neither her calls, video chats, or text messages will appear on your monthly statement of activity.

Let us know how you're doing.

And know that you are not alone!
 
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