Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 20 of 35 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello,

I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.

We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.

Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.

Thanks
George
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,990 Posts
Why do you want to know? Is it just idle curiosity? Might some answers make you think badly of her?

I've been married 30 years and I don't know my wife's past before we were married. If some day she decides to tell me, that's fine, but if not, thats OK too. I have nothing more than vague idle curiosity.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
924 Posts
Let it go !!

You have been together for 30 + years and are
still as you say compatible. You met at 31 and both
of ( you to ) saw other people correct ? If she had told you
everything 30 + years ago would you have married her ?
Think of all of the great times you could have missed ?
Think of all of the things you will maybe miss if you do not
let this go. You said she had seven guys ask her to marry
them. She did not choose them correct ?

She married you and has stayed married for 30 + years.
Why ? Because you are the person she loves and
decided to share her life with. Someone special,
her love and her life long partner. I do not see anything to
insecure about. There are many stories here on TAM
of marriages that last at best 3 to 5 years. Yours has lasted
30+ and probably many more.

LET IT GO!!!!
I hope you and your wife enjoy many more years together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,567 Posts
Hello,

I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.

We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.

Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.
expectations
Thanks
George
This should have been done at least at the very outset of the relationship with her!

Hate to say it, but it seems a tad late to "go fishing" at this stage of your marriage. It seems that you accepted her past improprieties with an implied acceptance of them!

IMHO, you would have had far better expectations, had she never said anything at all to you, instead of gradually spoon-feeding you selective tidbits of her past!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,615 Posts
Hello,

I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.

We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.

Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.

Thanks
George
Have you always felt like this or is this a fairly recent occurrence?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Welcome to TAM.

Have you ever said exactly what you just said to us?

"Honey, I have always only heard bits and pieces about your sex life before we got together. I would love to hear all about it. I've always been curious. Would you be willing to tell me?"

IF you have asked directly, what did she say?

And yes, you should let it go, but it doesn't sound like you can.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,043 Posts
Things coming out over time is inevitable. You can't spew out 30 years of life in one day.

We all learn about each other and get to know each other over time.

Now as far as her sexual history - We are all entitled to our privacy and no one is entitled to full knowledge of someone else's private life before getting with them.

Some things are simply none of your business and some things about you are none of her business.

I know that is a hard pill for some people to swallow, but that is a reality.

You knew she was a single adult and was not virginal when you first got together.

She would be obligated to inform you of an incurable STD and probably wise to inform you if she had any biological children out there. But that is really about it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,682 Posts
Hello,

I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.

We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.

Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.

Thanks
George
It's been 30 years. The married man makes her a jerk though (to put it nicely). That would worry me, but 30 years, too late to worry about that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,075 Posts
Hello,

I am totally new to this group but I came here looking for some advice.

We've been married 30+ years and still have a fairly active sex life. We met at 31 so there was time for meeting others before we got together. My issue, that I can't seem to resolve, concerns my wife's past lovers. I know she had some but not much more. She told me she had seven guys ask to marry her, had a one nighter with a married man, and one or two other things. I would just like to hear about her past all at once. She gives tidbits here and there but never the full story. Other than this problem we are extremely compatible and have been together a long time.

Should I just let it go or should I try to get more information from her. I'm not sure of my problem, maybe a bit of insecurity. She would never do anything to hurt me but somewhere inside I really want to know about her past. It's hard for me NOT to think about her past.

Thanks
George
Dude, what are you going to do with that information?

I think you'd better think through each scenario before you open this Pandora's box.

Like, what if she tells you some really shocking things that you weren't expecting, like group sex, a bunch of one-night stands, etc.? Or if she tells you about some wild sex acts she did with another guy that she never did with you? Will that make you even more upset? Will you divorce her over it? You need to really think this whole thing out, every contingency.

You don't specifically say, but it doesn't sound from your posting that she has specifically LIED to you about anything, or that she misled you. That kind of behavior I feel is abhorrent. It sounds more like you two just never talked too much about it, but you knew there could be more than has been said. However, it doesn't sound like you are alleging that she misrepresented anything.

If you basically got married with a "we won't ask about the past" agreement, even an unspoken one, then you need to honor that. Don't do a "bait and switch" on her by promising one thing and then changing the rules.

Think, dude!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,319 Posts
Seems an odd thing to fixate on 30+ years into your relationship. I don't think you should have dwelled on this at all. Or if you did within the first few months or years together. Not 10 or 20 or 30! years into it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,416 Posts
George49 said:
She would never do anything to hurt me
Keep that thought..... that's a good one which works.... for both of you.

I was just sitting here having a daydream, and thinking about Mrs. George49....if she were the one posting here, how would I advise her? I think that I would advise her to "keep that thought", too.

There's a BIG problem with "TMI" (too much information) between married people about sexual pasts.....that's one of the legitimate reasons for "trickle truth". Things spoken can never be unspoken.....and things spoken can "take on a life of their own" and cause lots of damage to the marriage. And, mainly, for no good reason .....like in your case....

You and Mrs. G have an enviable relationship of 30 years. Hell's bells....anything she did was 3 frickin' decades ago.....in most of our lives, we were quite different people 30 years ago than we are today.

Some Staten Island advice......fuhgedaboudit....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
6,888 Posts
Are you looking for a reason to leave your marriage, and you just want to dig around to see if you can make it her fault? Because that's the only reason I can think of for going down this road. If that's the case, just man up and it made you don't want to be married and take the fall. Digging around her pre marriage passed to try to twist it into some reason she isn't worth being married to is just cowardly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,291 Posts
Married 33 yrs here. Your curiosity may be piqued at this stage, for something new to discuss but it's only that.
Don't keep picking at something in six months you'll have moved on to something else, totally unrelated, and as a couple.

Christ, let this topic go unless you want to alienate your partner of 30 plus yrs. If creating a chasm between you and W is your intent....you're on the right track.

Let this topic go brother.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
Thanks for all the replies. I will work on letting it go. I have a bit of obsessive disorder so that's why I sometimes get into this rut.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
I am not looking to leave. I love my wife dearly. It's just that after she shared a bit, my curiosity has got the better of me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,528 Posts
Unless you have some reason to thing the past is boiling up into the present, then let it go. If tehre was some overlap of before and your marriage, that would be something too.

But at this point, my read on this is that you will lose your wife if you bite at this one.

Is that what you really want to happen?

If it is, then don't be passive about wanting to leave your marriage and don't pin it on her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,528 Posts
Unless you have some reason to thing the past is boiling up into the present, then let it go. If there was some overlap of before and your marriage, that would be something too.

But at this point, my read on this is that you will lose your wife if you bite at this one.

Is that what you really want to happen?

If it is, then don't be passive about wanting to leave your marriage and don't pin it on her.
 
1 - 20 of 35 Posts
Top