New member: sexless engagement

We are due to get married in around 18months, so far its been post ponded only for financial reasons but in my heart I know going through with this marriage thinking the marriage will fix it is stupid.

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It won't get better.

The only times we had sex/made out were on days when she was at highest fertility. Like clockwork.

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Ayup, ovulation sex. It's about the only time my wife gets horny, too.

Finally any suggestions on how to approach the marriage issue, or at least how I can back up my view point and stop myself coming across as the one in the wrong when I approach this issue.

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Ask yourself this: "Is this something you'd contemplate divorcing her over if this went on for years?"

If it is, break off the marriage.

If she's Low Desire now... I don't think it'll get any better, but most likely worse.

ben86 said:

I am scared that if I approach her about this I will sound like such a bad guy. I am effectlively saying that sex is more important to me that marrying her, and although I don’t see it like this I know that is what she will say.

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Look, there's no easy way to end an engagement without feelings getting hurt. But you didn't sign a suicide pact. It's obvious that she's just not into you. It's better to end it now than to agree to live the rest of your life in celibacy because you didn't want to piss off her mom.

You're just a normal guy who recognizes that a marriage is a sexual relationship. If your fiance wants to be platonic roommates, then you can do that. And you'll be free to date other women. If she just wants you to serve her while she ignores your needs, then politely decline her offer.

ben86 said:

1) I am convinced that her issue is hormonal. Last year together we monitored when we had sex using an iphone app that recorded her menstrual cycle. The only times we had sex/made out were on days when she was at highest fertility. Like clockwork. This is not really the case now because we no longer have sexual activity once a month. Due to this and also the fact her breasts hurts a lot and some other hormonal things I have a feeling that this may be the cause of her low drive. I have mentioned this to her but she is scared, and also I think worried that results will come back saying she is ok and then this leaves us without an answer. Has anyone got any comments on this.

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A woman's libido will usually fluctuate and be the highest when she is ovulating. However, it is unlikely that hormones have completely destroyed her libido. That happens at menopause, not usually in your twenties.

ben86 said:

2) The fact that talking to her friend helped so much (if only for a short time) I think counselling could be good but she won’t do this either, any advice?

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If she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have to talk. You're the one with the problem, not her.

ben86 said:

3) Finally any suggestions on how to approach the marriage issue, or at least how I can back up my view point and stop myself coming across as the one in the wrong when I approach this issue.

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Yes. Tell her today that the wedding is off. She might cry and tell you you're a bad guy. So the F what? She might be relieved. You have two possible futures here. The first is where you're a good guy and you marry her and then you live your life without having sex. The second is where you dump her ass like a hot potato, go find another girl who is actually attracted to you, and have a happy life filled with mutually satisfying sex.

You get to decide which way to go.

Good luck.

And check out Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Also, just because she doesn't want to have sex with you doesn't mean that she doesn't want to have sex with anybody else. She might well be having an affair. Or, if she's not now, she will be in a few years. The Coping With Infidelity board is full of stories of men who swore their wives were asexual only to find out that their libidos were just focused on another man.

Sex and intimacy are important needs in a relationship. Sometimes people's needs are different. If those needs are incompatible, it's best to call things off before you commit to a lifetime of that incompatibility.

It will lead to a lot of hurt, resentment and problems down the road.

Keep reading the threads here - it will help.

Think about it this way:

I only need about 1200 calories a day to maintain my ideal weight. I don't like to eat more than that and get a bit pissed off if hubby tries to push me to eat more at dinner times.

Hubby needs 3500 calories a day to maintain his ideal weight. He gets miserable and cranky if I don't keep him fed and buy lots of snacks to help him do that. I can't deprive him of those extra snacks and calories - they are his basic needs. If I were unwilling to do that, it would only be a matter of time before he would start looking at eating out, don't ya think? (maybe this analogy sucks but it was lunch time here...)

I really can't wrap my mind around this. You've been together 9 YEARS. Still not married. Engaged 2.5 YEARS!!! And still another 1.5 years to go? I've never heard of a 4 year engagement, especially after you were already together 6.5 years before you got engaged. This sort of behavior indicates to me that one of you has been brought kicking and screaming into marriage. Afraid to commit much? Perhaps she doesn't want to have sex because in her heart she's been thinking (for years and years) that it's far past time for you to fish or cut bait. Oh, and for the record, my advice is to cut bait. One (or both) of you hasn't been motivated to pull the trigger on marriage for 9 years, so someone's heart just isn't in it. Add to that the no-sex thing and I have to ask....why bother? What are you going to get out of being married? It's not like a wedding ring is going to make her MORE sexual. Do you have kids with her?

Your post hits me on a bit of personal level as I am also engaged but also having some issuals sexually (though nothing like what you are having, you have it WAY, WAY worse than me). I'd like to respond...

ben86 said:

To introduce myself I have been in a relationship for the last 9 yrs, we met in our teens and got engaged 2.5yrs ago. For at least the last 4 years we have had problems due to a lack of sex in our relationship due to my partners low sex drive and lack of desire. Since this started becoming an issue it has been getting steadily worse and currently so far this year we have had sex twice.

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Why are you still together and why did you get engaged knowing it's an issue? Is there anything you can think of that may have triggered this change in her, such as a traumatic event, a child, major stressors, etc? What does she say is the reason behind her drop off in sex?

ben86 said:

I always initiate sex and it is always rejected. She is not so opposed to other forms of sexual activity, however she is not always an active participant. By this I mean the majority of my sexual needs are met by “dry humping”, this being her laying on her back, both of us with PJ’s on, I’ll kiss her neck but get no reaction from her, no kissing, no moving hands over me, and very very very little sound. Afterwards the main reaction is that her legs hurt. This IS out sex life.

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Your fiancee gives a new defination to the term 'having sex with a dead fish.' You don't even get skin contact or fake interest. It is clear you are starving for emotional contact through sex or you likely wouldn't even have any interest in this sort of behaviour. And it's clear she doesn't want much, if anything. to do with this. You said your sex life only became an issue five year into your relationship, so what was sex like before this for you?

ben86 said:

Even these events are rare, and on every occasion I have to nag and bug her, she will then give in by telling me literally to get on with it. I sometimes ask her to get onto of me, but that is ALWAYS a no. These situations happen maybe once a week unless she is really putting up a fight and not giving into my nagging.

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While I understand your frustration and desire for sex, 'nagging' and 'bugging' for sex isn't going to produce any better results, and in fact likely only worsen the issue. She may start feeling like something just to get off on and when you go there, it's hard to come back. Also, nagging and bugging for sex is just other words for begging for sex, and this is never attractive, and also I bet doesn't leave you feeling to highly of yourself. Take the high road and stop asking.

ben86 said:

Probably about once every 3-4 months I will give her oral sex, I normally use this as a tool to get a really decent make out session with her and she does enjoy oral sex, however this never leads to full sex or oral sex for myself, it simply leads to her being an active participant in making out.

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So you give her oral with the main objective still being about you? I'd imagine she's picked up on that, so it doesn't really add the benefit you are looking for. Rather, she's not likely going to enjoy oral as much as you think she will because she knows you are just using it as a means to get laid. That could be why it nevers leads anywhere. As well, it sounds like your other sexual sessions are all about you (not by your choice, I know, but they still are) so maybe she views this as a means to get her own without satisfying you.

ben86 said:

I have spoken to her about this issue and she sees it as a problem. Around 4 months ago we had been discussing this issue and trying not to turn it into an argument. She then spoke to a woman at her work about it and afterwards for a few days she was my dream sexual partner. We had sex (one of the two times this year), the next day when driving she was talking about the sex and was telling me she was horny and we ended up making out during the day. I asked her what triggered this and she said after speaking with her friend she felt more relaxed and this coincided with her being horny.

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I agree with you, talk and MC would be good. That said, did you ever ask what it was her friend told her that made her more relaxed and comfortable? Maybe you could even suggest talking to this friend with your fiancee as well.

ben86 said:

The normal excuses I get have been seen her many times before, shes tired, her stomach always hurts just before bed, her breasts her, she makes us stay up so late that nothing will happen and when we go to bed early she is straight on her phone. She doesn’t “trim” down below, which id ont mind but it isn’t the ideal situation. I also got her some sexy underwear AGES ago (9+months) and she has never worn it….despite us having our anniversary the other week (she packed it when we went away but it never got worn!).

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Excuses are just a long, polite, way to say "I don't want to have sex with you right now." So yes, you'll get the usual lines.

As for the underwear, classic move to pack it but not wear it. By bringing it, she avoids the fight about not bringing it, but blames the fact it couldn't be used on various reasons that were unexpected, or simply gives the usual lines of "There wasn't a good time" or "I felt silly wearing them." You need to call her on those things.

ben86 said:

We are due to get married in around 18months, so far its been
post ponded only for financial reasons but in my heart I know going through with this marriage thinking the marriage will fix it is stupid. The night I proposed we had great sex, we continued to have a health sex life for around a month and then it went back to normal (low sex, just not as bad as now). I am scared that if I approach her about this I will sound like such a bad guy. I am effectlively saying that sex is more important to me that marrying her, and although I don’t see it like this I know that is what she will say.

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A) Who cares about the engagement night sex. That's in the past. Fond memory, but that's it.

B) No matter what you say it won't be good. Just like how you know that she'll twist whatever you say into "you're choosing sex over me," it also applies that no matter what you say it'll come down to you telling her you don't want to marry her anymore. So just be honest. Why lie about who you are?

I've used this example before but I'll do so again here since you're new. My fiancee has a huge phobia of ants. Terrified of them. Makes zero sense, but it's a fact. Now I know my fiancee is terrified of them and I know she needs a supportive husband who will go out of his way to help prevent these things from getting into our house. If I didn't, she could (and likely would) leave me. Does it seem silly? To you and me, perhaps, but to her it is what life is. She needs protection from ants.

So who cares if you need sex in a marriage. If she thinks that's silly, fine, but it is what life is for you. You need sex. If she doesn't want to provide that and doesn't want to work on helping with that, that's fine, but you don't have to stay and she should accept that fact. If she can't, to bad. You've been willing to work on the issue and it appears she's done little to help with it.

Let her say what she wants. Be true to you.

ben86 said:

So I have a few questions really:
1) I am convinced that her issue is hormonal. Last year together we monitored when we had sex using an iphone app that recorded her menstrual cycle. The only times we had sex/made out were on days when she was at highest fertility. Like clockwork. This is not really the case now because we no longer have sexual activity once a month. Due to this and also the fact her breasts hurts a lot and some other hormonal things I have a feeling that this may be the cause of her low drive. I have mentioned this to her but she is scared, and also I think worried that results will come back saying she is ok and then this leaves us without an answer. Has anyone got any comments on this.

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Really, does it matter what her problem is? Her issue could be your cologne, the old ceiling fan in the living room, the fact the street wasn't paved since 1983 or that the moon isn't colored purple. If she's not trying to solve the issue with you, it's irrelevant what it is. It'll always be a problem until she wants to look at figuring it out and solving it. Work on that first, not the actual problem itself. Keep working the MC angle, and also try for a doctors appointment with this subject being the main topic.

ben86 said:

2) The fact that talking to her friend helped so much (if only for a short time) I think counselling could be good but she won’t do this either, any advice?

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Point out the benefit it had when she talked to her friend. Suggest talking to her friend again, with you also there.

ben86 said:

3) Finally any suggestions on how to approach the marriage issue, or at least how I can back up my view point and stop myself coming across as the one in the wrong when I approach this issue.

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Point out that there is zero difference between living with your best friend (other than her) and her, other than the sex.

Really everything pretty much in a marriage you can get from someone else. You can get money from work, emotional support from friends, etc. But sex, it is either with your wife or bust. So why would you stay if you have to plead and beg for a type of sex that even the Pope would like say is rather sad? I mean, you are marrying someone who will pretty much only give you the type of sex a dog gets from a sleeping owner (minus the PJ's inbetween btw). Ask her if she thinks that's reasonable for anyone to sign up with.

All the best to you my friend. My issues are more to do with variety in our sex life, which is why I'm not leaning towards leaving the engagement. If I had what you have though dude, I'd have said adios a LONG time ago.