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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband and I have been married for 23 years. I have never once, until now, been concerned about another woman. He talked a few months ago about a female coworker that just helped his day go by so much easier, how funny she is, etc. He also mentioned that he had taken her some dessert back to work because she didn't get to go to lunch with the group. He mentioned one day that they had ridden to this group lunch together. I informed him that I felt that was an inappropriate thing to do and asked him not to do it again. My radar went up immediately. It really bothered me that he talked about her this way and would do nice things for her when he says he's so busy he doesn't have time to answer my texts or calls. I found out that they rode together to lunch again and confronted him with it. Needless to say it caused a huge fight. He thought I was being unreasonable because they're 'just friends.' I started checking his phone without his knowledge and came across some texts that had nothing to do with work. They were texting each other with jokes or teasing. This began another argument where I tried to explain to him that the attention they were giving each other was not appropriate and hurt my feelings. I felt she was getting attention when I wasn't. He promised no to ride with her again, he promised he wuoldn't delete any texts, etc. I found out a couple of weeks ago by checking his phone that they had ridden to lunch together again. He later deleted those texts from his phone. When I asked if he had ridden with her or deleted any texts he denied it. Obviously I knew he was lying and told him that. I told him that he needed to decide what was more important, his friendship or his marriage. It really hurts me that he continued to do the things I asked him not to and that he lied to me. He is normally a person that never lies. He says he deleted the texts because he knew I would get mad but he did say that he would stop the friendship, whatever he needed to do, because I was the only love in his life. Some days I'm ok and feel everything is alright and other days when I think of him lying to conceal this friendship I get mad all over again. Today they were texting about where each of them had lunch. They are with each other 9 hours a day and work right next to each other. At this point I am having trouble believing anything he says. Did they have lunch together and text because he thought I might see it and believe they didn't, or if they didn't lunch together why do they have to even know what the other was doing. I work in another county and I certainly didn't know where he had lunch. I asked him a couple of nights ago if he meant what he said about stopping the friendship, texting, etc., or if he was just trying to pacify me. He said they weren't texting anymore and I told him that I had some issues with trusting him which made him angry. He didn't speak or even look at me for two days. I asked him tonight why he was angry and he said he was 'tired of explaining' and 'sick of it.' He is still not speaking. I am driving myself crazy with this because I don't know what to do. Am I overreacting or am I right to be concerned? Help PLEASE!
 

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I would certainly be concerned and would have the same response as you. However, I would go one step further and find out why he needs someone to help his days go by faster and whether there's something lacking in your relationship that makes him feel rewarded by her attention.
 

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He says he deleted the texts because he knew I would get mad.....
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. I would ask him what was on the texts that would have gotten you upset. It's my opinion that you shouldn't behave in a way that you wouldn't behave in front of your spouse or significant other.

I do agree that this friendship is pushing the boundaries and you have every right to be concerned. After so many years of marriage you didn't all of a sudden become jealous and untrusting. He provided the catalyst for that. Even IF nothing is going on he needs to love and care enough about you to at least understand why you perceive it as inappropriate. And he should stop at NOTHING to make you feel loved and safe in your marriage. But instead he is getting mad at you!?!

Stick to your guns. Do not let him gaslight you into thinking you are crazy to be thinking X, Y and Z. You are a very strong woman and I know that because you called him out on his lies. You didn't let him rugsweep.

But right now if he is choosing to be immature about this by not talking to you then just stop talking to him right back. Go about your life. Go out shopping. Go see a movie. Enjoy your friends. Do not let his little temper tantrum change who you are or what you do! If you let that happen then he wins his little silent treatment game.

Good luck. And stay strong!
 

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While i agree that his friendship is not right because it makes you uncomfortable, is there is something else going on or missing in your relationship with your husband that he feels the need to get attention outside of his marriage?
 

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Be very concerned. You need to find out more about this woman and keep an eye on your husband, as you will need to make sure that he hasn't just taken the relationship underground.

This type of thing is so frightening; and it seems to be so friggin prevalent...what is there to do about it other than learn about boundaries? A book that many recommend is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
As far as I know, everything was fine. He says he hates his job and that they have been through some of the same things at work and they just 'bonded.' He says he wants to quit his job because of all the stress of being a supervisor but he has made no effort to look for something else.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thank you all so much for your support. He was beginning to make me feel that this was somehow my fault. I just don't understand why he's so protective of this friendship. I have considered speaking to her but don't want to cause him any work issues or embarrassment.
 

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Your husband needs to learn about boundaries. I found this website due to a problem I had with my then fiance, who had several friendships that were just over the line of inappropriateness. I was uncomfortable with them! But my husband too, made me feel like I was crazy, that these were 'just friends'. Well, as it turns out, none of them were 'just friends'. One was an ex-f*ck-friend, the other was a former love interest of his, and the third one he'd actually had an EA with (slight PA, he admits only to kissing) while married to his first wife.

I read everything I could about proper boundaries, and I taught him about them too. At first, he felt that I was policing him. Perhaps I was. He balked at it, but I continued to talk to him, and bring examples to the table of discussion. Things have evened out now. I feel that learning about boundaries helps him decide what types of interactions with women are appropriate and which ones cross the line.

For instance, I could handle him doing business lunches with women present. I could not handle him lunching solo with the same woman on a daily basis, however. That's how relationships develop, no matter how hard they try to talk themselves into believing it's just friendship.
 

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Is this a new female co-worker? Does he talk about going to lunch & other co-workers male & female that he likes? Is he sociable at work?

Both of my husbands & I were very sociable at work & had many co-worker friends. We all knew each other & did social things after work TOGETHER. It was all very innocent; no jealousy involved.

This was all before texting also.

Trust your gut here & keep an eye on this friendship.
 

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Thank you all so much for your support. He was beginning to make me feel that this was somehow my fault. I just don't understand why he's so protective of this friendship. I have considered speaking to her but don't want to cause him any work issues or embarrassment.
It's not a bad idea to get to know her, especially if you can do so in a way that's outside of work and separate from your husband. By developing a friendship with her, you'll be able to better judge if there's a threat and how big it is. Also, it might put the brakes on her behavior if she is a woman who has a conscience.
 

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28 Ways to Keep From Cheating on Your Wife
by Infidelity Expert Ruth Houston
National Infidelity Examiner for Examiner.com


1. Never flirt with a woman other than your wife. It’s too easy to take things to the next level.


2. If another woman flirts with you, comes on strong, or tries to seduce you, ignore her, change the subject, or make it clear that you’re not interested. If none of these things work, remove yourself from the scene.

3. Avoid cultivating close personal relationships with other women. Close female friendships pave the way for emotional infidelity, which is the precursor to sexual infidelity.

4. Make sure your wife knows all your female co-workers, acquaintances, and friends. Secret female friendships can quickly turn into affairs.


5. Make sure your female friends, acquaintances and co-workers know that you are married, and not interested in any action on the side.

6. Make it equally clear to your male friends that you fully intend to remain faithful to your wife.

7. Limit your contact with men who are cheating on their mates. That way you won’t fall victim to peer pressure, the “birds-of-a-feather syndrome,” or cheating by association.

8. Confide in your wife and no one else. She’s the one with whom you should share your hopes, dreams, good times, bad times, triumphs and failures. Make her your very best friend. Isn’t that why you got married?


9. Discourage other women from confiding in you.

10. Refrain from getting involved in other women’s personal problems. Many men get caught up in infidelity while trying to be “helpful.” Trying to rescue a damsel in distress can get you into a world of trouble.


11. Avoid certain topics of conversation with other women – sex, her boyfriend’s or husband’s shortcomings, her marriage or relationship problems, your wife’s faults, your marital problems.

12. Never complain to another woman about your marriage or your wife.

13. Avoid being alone with another woman. Why put yourself in harm’s way? You’re least likely to cheat when there are other people around.


14. Let your life be an open book when it comes to your wife.. You shouldn’t keep secrets of any kind from her.

15. Share all your passwords with your wife - your cell phone, laptop, e-mail accounts, bank accounts and anything else. This way, you won’t be tempted to conceal anything from her, because you can’t.

16. At work, don’t make a habit of taking your coffee break, or having lunch with the same female workmate everyday.


17. Don’t socialize with female workmates during non-business hours unless your wife is present, or you’re part of a group.


18. If you travel for work, always take your wife with you, whenever possible.

19. If it’s not possible for your wife to accompany you when you travel, stay in constant touch with her. Give her your itinerary, and a land line where you can be reached. Let her know where you are at all times.

20. Spend quality time with your wife, doing things you both enjoy.


21. Share your passions, your hobbies, your favorite pastimes with your wife or with your male friends. Engaging in common interests with a female other than your wife only lays the groundwork for an extramarital affair.

22. Be especially careful if you’re under the influence of drugs or alcohol. These substances lower your inhibitions, impair your judgment, and anything is likely to occur.

23. Avoid temptation. Do not put yourself in compromising situations. Why tempt fate?

24. Stay away from internet porn and online dating sites. Don’t even take a peek to satisfy your curiosity.

25. Don’t even think about being unfaithful to your wife. Thoughts precede actions. Fantasizing what it would be like to have sex with someone else allows the idea of infidelity to take root in your mind.

26. Think about all you stand to lose if you cheat,
even if you don’t get caught – your money, your marriage, your health (HIV/AIDS and other STD’s), your reputation, your job and probably a whole lot more. Don’t let your desire for sex overrule your common sense.

27. Keep the romance and passion alive in your marriage and you won’t have to seek it anywhere else.

28. Learn to use the word “No.” It’s a small word – 2 letters, 1 syllable, easy to pronounce. Use it liberally and it will serve you well, especially if you find yourself in a compromising situation. It will go a long way toward helping you stay faithful, and will keep you from cheating on your wife.
Your husband is lacking boundaries. SEVERELY. This is already a budding emotional affair.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
You all confirmed my feelings. Thank you. My husband keeps telling me that she is just a friend. I asked him if was ok for me to bond with a male coworker and he didn't want to answer that. Still can't make him understand that he's in dangerous territory.
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I actually thought of calling her but don't want to cause any difficulties at his work. I spoke with my pastor and he feels it's inappropriate also. Guess I'll just keep my eyes and ears open.
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First try to get to be very good friends with the other woman. This goes against my grain but it may be the best way to put a stop to this dangerous relationship that she and your husband are playing with.
If he will not consider your feeling over his co-workers relationship with him then as a last step try this:

Tell your girlfriend that you want to use her husband/ boyfriend and that she can be in on all the activities from the start. Tell her everything you have told us and ask her if she is willing to help you get your husband to use a little wisdom and consideration.

If they will help you then have the man and you do the same thing as your husband and the OW is doing. Texts, lunch, car rides, etc. if that does not wake him up then the man is twisted!

Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
 

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I actually thought of calling her but don't want to cause any difficulties at his work. I spoke with my pastor and he feels it's inappropriate also. Guess I'll just keep my eyes and ears open.
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Why would your pastor think it's a bad idea to befriend someone who is important to your husband?
 
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