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Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I've been looking around on here on and off for 8 years now. I'm 39, married since 2010, 1 teenage son. Wife and I dated since 2002 before getting married. I was brought to this site after I found out my wife had been having a physical relationship with what I thought was my best friend. I knew of the emotional part before getting married to only find out about the physical part shortly after the marriage. I figured I'd finally join so I could possibly offer advice and also have a place to vent from time to time as this situation still bothers me.
 

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This is difficult...even years later.

What has been done by both of you since the discovery of the affair?

Clearly something in your gut is telling you that not all is well. Let's see if we can unpack it.
 

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Just so it is clear:

The entire situation (emotional and physical) happened before marriage ..... is this correct?

If it happened before marriage....did it happen while you were dating?
 

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Yes it all happened before the marriage. I found out about the emotional part of it days before the marriage, continued on with it and then found out about the physical part days later. We had been dating 8 years prior to this. There are a lot more stories tied into this relationship, I didn't add them because I didn't feel the intro was the appropriate place. As for the other comment, nothing really has been done. We did the counseling sessions but that was a waste...at times we are good, I didn't trust her at the beginning which I believe is understandable, then as time went on I thought I was building that trust back to where now I believe it's just I simply don't care.
 

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The sessions felt like it was either it's time to forgive and forget or move on, those are the two choices you have. We talked to the counselor together then one on one....I felt like after her session with him it was all on me. It basically boiled down to she wasn't in love with me anymore because I didn't show her attention and she wanted to hurt me as bad as she could so she picked the best friend. It was a double whammy, I was the best man in this guy's wedding only a year prior to this and him and his wife were expecting their first child 2 months after all this hit the fan.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
And to top it off, I had just paid for all of us to go on vacation together. Supposedly this is when he put the first move on her. He was actually so drunk he got sick and I was washing his truck for him so his wife wouldn't go nuts, he's in the truck telling my other half how he wants to be with her. The next day we all are getting ready to go out and my bf and gf are no where to be found, an hour later they show up saying they wanted to go check out the pool. At this time we already have our sin, he's 7 years old when all of this is happening. When we get home she discovers a family member has passed away, I send her in a plane to be with them. When she was gone we text each other maybe 30 times the 3 days she was gone, they text in the 1800 to 2000 text message range. I find all this out a few months later, when I actually realize something is going on.

,
 

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The sessions felt like it was either it's time to forgive and forget or move on, those are the two choices you have. We talked to the counselor together then one on one....I felt like after her session with him it was all on me. It basically boiled down to she wasn't in love with me anymore because I didn't show her attention and she wanted to hurt me as bad as she could so she picked the best friend. It was a double whammy, I was the best man in this guy's wedding only a year prior to this and him and his wife were expecting their first child 2 months after all this hit the fan.
So why in the world did she marry you? And once you learned of her lack of feelings, why would you stay?
 

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Discussion Starter #9
The reason I heard was she didn't realize how much I cared for her, of course this was after I found out...and for me I have no reason, maybe it's because I wasn't always the best... about 2 years before all of this I had moved out of my house, our home I guess you call it due to her financial issues (which still plaque us today) and had a relationship with another woman. I realized this wasn't what I wanted and moved back home after a few months...I guess I felt like it was our "now we are even".
 

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Since you've been around this site for 8 years, you must be familiar with these kinds of situations and how they work out. What kind of advice would you give to someone who posted a similar story?
 

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Honestly I'm not sure. I've seen them play out both ways...the past 8 years I could almost guarantee nothing has happened. I think everyone's situation is different, even if they have similar problems. I just don't know how to answer that, I don't know if 8 years later I can give up after I made it out like I forgave. I joined here because I felt guilty only reading other people's post without at least going through mine...I don't know, I thought it would all be okay by now, we as recently as weekend before last had a 2 hour conversation about everything that happened...
 

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It basically starts off with her saying how happy she is and how good of a man I am, I answer back with I'm the same person I was in 2010. Then it's just a long drawn out conversation on how did you do this, why did you do this, will I ever know the truth about what all has really happened since we've been together...she usually hangs in there just being apologetic, then she gets defensive and tells me how she didn't think I loved her and he told her everything she wanted to hear...then the conversation just ends, I realize it's not going anywhere...
 

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So to your knowledge, when was the last time your W had a physical/emotional affair with this guy? Can we assume this "friend' is no longer in either or your lives? Do you have any concerns that you W has been unfaithful since (or will in the future)?
 

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You may have to come to terms with the fact that you just cannot get over this. Not everyone can, even when the cheating spouse does the work they should. Have you two gone thru marriage counseling about this?
 

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The last time was in Oct of 2010, this is when I found out something was going on. I'm not sure if any contact was made right after or not. Yes, this guy is no longer in our lives at all. I use to work with him, I was his only friend for a while...I helped him move up at our company and all that. I don't know if she would or not, I didn't think she would have ever in a million years mess with this guy... I didn't think he would do this either, so I don't know. Since the company we worked for folded up I haven't seen him or his wife since, they only live maybe 25 mins from us.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
We went through counseling right after it happened...felt like it was a waste. And I agree, right now I'd have to say I'll probably never get over it...I can admit that, I'm hoping one day I will but it's not looking good...
 

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We went through counseling right after it happened...felt like it was a waste. And I agree, right now I'd have to say I'll probably never get over it...I can admit that, I'm hoping one day I will but it's not looking good...
A huge part of recovering will depend on your ability to forgive this terrible event. That can be impossibly difficult. If you aren't able to see a time when you can fully love her again, then your future will likely be similar to how it is now.

How is the rest of your relationship? If there was a memory-erasing procedure that could remove all traces of the affair from your and your wife's memories, how would your marriage be and how do you think it would be in the future?
 

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It basically starts off with her saying how happy she is and how good of a man I am, I answer back with I'm the same person I was in 2010. Then it's just a long drawn out conversation on how did you do this, why did you do this, will I ever know the truth about what all has really happened since we've been together...she usually hangs in there just being apologetic, then she gets defensive and tells me how she didn't think I loved her and he told her everything she wanted to hear...then the conversation just ends, I realize it's not going anywhere...
Well I guess if you have been reading here and elsewhere, if you can read and comprehend, that maybe you understand the following things:

1) You were a fool to marry her.
2) The counselor that you guys went to is a moron and is like a lot of MC's that don't know how, in any way, to handle infidelity. Move on or get over it is not how it works.
3) You married under false pretenses.
4) Of course everything you did after the discovery was wrong in every way.
5) Your now wife is a) not remorseful b) not trustworthy c) does not really give a **** what you think and d) there are so many more things that could be said.

So, then you also understand that because you were young and miss handled everything, which lots of us have, that THIS is the reason that you have not really been able to move on from her infidelity.

I mean, you get all this... Right?
 

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We went through counseling right after it happened...felt like it was a waste. And I agree, right now I'd have to say I'll probably never get over it...I can admit that, I'm hoping one day I will but it's not looking good...
A huge part of recovering will depend on your ability to forgive this terrible event. That can be impossibly difficult. If you aren't able to see a time when you can fully love her again, then your future will likely be similar to how it is now.

How is the rest of your relationship? If there was a memory-erasing procedure that could remove all traces of the affair from your and your wife's memories, how would your marriage be and how do you think it would be in the future?

If you take away the cheating we have a good relationship, her ability to manage money scares me. This was a problem I referenced earlier. I feel like I have to keep a close eye on her and when I mention something she gets mad and says I'm treating her like a child. When we got married, after finding out all this I got hit with a 12K school loan she hadn't paid that she told me was handled. She has recently run up a few credit cards again (maybe 4k), other than that I guess the cheating would be the only complaint. So if there was a magic procedure that could erase the affair it would be nothing more than to the constant battle of managing how she spends money
 
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