Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 33 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Thanks for reading my question. Happily married to an attractive wife for 25 years and have older teenage kids. Never had any marriage or cheating problems in all these years but now I'm not sure if I should worry or not.

By chance a few days ago I was looking at my wife's "friends" list on Face Book and noticed that she was friends with an old boy friend from a relationship prior to meeting me. I wasn't happy to see it so I also looked on her Linkined account and noticed his name there also.

This guy lives states away and I'm sure she hasn't seen him since before us getting together 25 years ago. I've never snooped into her phone but when I had a chance recently I checked out her Face Book page and noticed that she and this guy have had several private messages going back and forth over the last few years. Nothing sexy, romantic or hooking up like messages, just comments like Happy Birthday, looks like your enjoying your vacation, Old friend related questions and stuff like that.

I also notice she has his contact/address info in her email contact list. So far I haven't seen any sign of her emailing or phoneing/texting him but anything old would be hard to find.

Do I bring up my concern about this up or do I just keep an eye on her activities? I hate the thought of our family being on vacation posting Face Book pictures and this guy commenting to her via private messages. Although she would be embarrassed by all this I know she would flip out if she knew I went through her phone.

Thanks for any comments.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,565 Posts
You should get some good advice here. That is a tough one. My gut thought is to just keep an eye on it. If you have a solid relationship it should not be a problem, but a real solid relationship would include conversations about past relationships and recent reconnections with those people.

Are you sensing any emotional detachment by your wife? If so, that is a sign of trouble.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
280 Posts
Wow, several ideas come to mind here.

1) (in)Security - when it comes to snooping around on phones, PCs, etc, I have no desire to check anything on my wife's devices. I am confident in my position with her so I don't worry if she is chattin' or chatting or texting or sexting. I know she has the best, so why waste my time worrying about the rest?

2) Carelessness - I would hope your wife, and you too, are more careful about account security with work, credit/debit accounts, etc, than with Facebook/Myspace/pickyourownsocialnetwork accounts. Password laziness and password weakness are the cause of most security beaches.

3) Man Up - IF you satisfy her needs why would she need any affection from any one else? Do YOU message her, text her, sext her? Despite 25 years, or especially because of that time, you gotta be on your A Game, and keep dating your mate, keep working at enticing her and seducing her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,788 Posts
Keep an eye on thing and stay quit.

This tactic will keep the peace for now and furture colvert operations will tell you you what kind of confrontation you will need to have.

So chill, keep watch and look for more red flags.

This tactic will prevent her from going deeper underground, now you need to see whats really going before approaching the issue.

If it starts to get sexual..kind of bullcrap fantasy stuff then you can confront her lack of boundries.

If it start to go towrds personel stuff like marriage issues then you can confront her emotional issues

If it starts to go towards "I love you" and 'I miss you" then you will have to go nuclear with your confrontation.

In short find out what you are confronting your wife with before you confront your wife?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,104 Posts
Keep an eye on it but stay quiet.

It's probably nothing but like someone else said if you just observe for now it will keep it from going deeper underground.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
298 Posts
Most posts say to stay covert here. If your gut is suspicious good advise.

The world is changing fast so couples need to update their boundaries with the changing times. My wife recently friended an old boyfriend on FB, she was not covert about it and claims she told me about it when she received the request. I do not do FB so if she did I did not understand the implications. When I did finally understand what that meant I went ballistic. Insisted she immediately defreind and go NC.

She claims it is no big deal and I don't understand. All a need to know is that it is a persistent connection. I have absolutely no interest in keeping in contact with any past relationships. A couple of times I have received phone calls or emails. Emails I do not respond to and phone calls I have been polite, informed my wife and never made any attempt to continue communication.

If as a couple if you agree that being in constant 24/7 contact with past relationships is healthy for your marriage, go for it. I do not know if there is a consensus on this issue yet on TAM. I suspect most would agree this is extremely dangerous.

In high school or college where relationships are frequently measures in weeks and occur often within social circles, NC is probably unrealistic. An adult marriage is different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,273 Posts
You'll get zero positive relationship points for bringing it up, in fact, you'll lose points. On the other hand, if she changes the password to her accounts, bring down the hammer.

T
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
I'm sorry that I took down my original thread. Long story short: I had a similar issue almost 3 years ago. I went nuclear. I blocked his e-mail address, blocked him on Facebook (actually, I blocked Facebook at the router, no one had Facebook for a year in my house). Spoke with my wife about being in contact with an Ex without my knowing about it was unacceptable. Went a week without speaking. Things are fine now and she never contacted him again, but it's clear, no EX's. No good can come from getting reacquainted with EX's.

Edit: if I were you, I would talk with your wife about it and request that it end now. If your gut is bothering you, do something about it. Being passive usually looses people their spouses.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
132 Posts
I think many women want to be special friends with past romantic partners. Why exactly? Who knows. I certainly don't think that all women want to sleep with ex boyfriends, but it's not a good idea to reignite old flames, IMO.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
My experience is that these Social Networks can be extremely dangerous. What may start out innocently can grow into something else. Look out for other sites to meet people ie Badoo, Zoosk and the like.

My wife and I have only realized now after these sites almost destroyed our marriage. Be very careful.

Single piece of advice just communicate with your wife so that she doesn't have the need to visit these sites and make "friends".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
185 Posts
I would sit down and talk to her about it instead of continuing to sneak around behind her back.
If you've read the messages and there's nothing to suggest she's having even an emotional affair with this person, I don't see why you would have cause to worry after 25 faithful years with her, unless there is something else going on in your marriage that you haven't shared here.

My partner has quite a few of his exes on his facebook page, because they did stay friends after they broke up. He always lets me read the messages (and texts if he gets them), and he's not secretive about it at all.
As long as he's open and communicating with me, I don't have a problem with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I'm just bothered that after 25 years of a nearly perfect marriage she would even need to "friend" this person. I'm not sure if he found her or if she located him. I almost want to ask her if she would be comfortable enough in this situation to explain it to our kids. (I wouldn't)

I guess I'm just the kind of person that worries over these things. I hate the fact that she's doing it behind my back. Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,996 Posts
Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.
That's the whole point. Why wouldn't she mention it?

She's keeping it from you because she knows in the back of her mind it may be crossing your boundaries. She chose to do it because it's exciting. She does it discreetly so she won't get a confrontation from you.

Exes are exes for a reason. You will need to have a discussion with her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,572 Posts
If there is a continued detachment by her in your relationship, then I would continue to remain discreet in monitoring her activities on FB, her email, and her phone texting and calling records. Have you yet done an analysis on her phone call and texting activity with this guy over the past couple of years? Has she made any business trips to the general vicinity of his locale?

Please do this now if you haven't already! Being an ever-trusting dupe, I was just too trusting in my relationship with my STBXW to ever suspect anything until long after the separation occurred.

Stay on top of things until such time that you reach some form of personal resolution~ but do not, under any conditions, repeat those mistakes that I so trustingly made!

Always trust your gut instinct!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,130 Posts
Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I'm just bothered that after 25 years of a nearly perfect marriage she would even need to "friend" this person. I'm not sure if he found her or if she located him. I almost want to ask her if she would be comfortable enough in this situation to explain it to our kids. (I wouldn't)

I guess I'm just the kind of person that worries over these things. I hate the fact that she's doing it behind my back. Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.
One thing you haven't told us is: What are you going to do about this? Have you talked to her yet? Are you going to get answers to your questions? You need to have a calm, open and honest discussion about this; being passive about this could very well be the death knell for your marriage.

Based on your first posting, you can't be accused of snooping on her, you got this from public information (is this correct?). Approach her calmly. Let her know you are not comfortable with this reacquaintance and you would like her to end contact (if that's what you want). Once you do that, judge the reaction. Her reaction will tell you how deep this has gone.

When this happened to me and I approached my wife with the question, "Why didn't you tell me about him contacting you"?, I got the answer: "I didn't know I needed your permission to talk to some one." That's when I had to leave the house for 1/2 hour to cool off. The ultimate end result after 5 days of not speaking (she was pissed because I found out via snooping, sort of) there was no further contact.

I'm really not sure what your whole opinion is about this situation or how strongly to feel about it, but letting it go is not a good choice, your need to discuss it with her. Ex-lovers and opposite sex friends can be a poison for a marriage. Even to one as long lasting and good as yours (and mine, we have similarities). Don't think your wife isn't incapable of an indiscretion, any woman (or man) can be seduced under the right circumstances, you need to be vigilant. At the very least, don't be passive about this.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,076 Posts
Follow your gut in this one, but search within yourself whether you feel something is off, or if your emotions are just playing up.

This is a red flag however:
Having told me the truth in the first place would have saved me this grief.
I have to parrot anchorwatch's question because I'm curious myself; why wouldn't/didn't she mention it?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,996 Posts
Reno, Here's a post from another member, F-102, about what could happen over time in these interactions. Maybe a very short period of time.

Time for me to dust off one of my old posts. It was originally written to a man whose W had reconnected with an old flame on F**kbook:

Right now, the texts/conversations may very well be innocent, but soon they will morph into:

Their lives since they parted
Their relationships since they parted
Their families
Their spouses
You
How you're an excellent father
How you're a great husband
How you're a wonderful guy
Your job
How your job keeps you busy
How your job keeps you away
How she sometimes feels lonely when you're away
How she sometimes feels a little taken for granted
How she sometimes feels a little overburdened at home
How she feels that you don't ALWAYS listen to her
How she feels that you don't always understand her
How she sometimes feels like you're "not there" for her
How...okay, you're not ALWAYS such a great guy
How she love hearing from him
How she loves talking to him again
How she looks forward to his texts/calls/e-mails now
How she feels young again
How she feels attractive again
How she feels appreciated again
How it's been so, so long since you made her feel that way
How her eyes have now been opened
How she now realizes what she truly wants and needs
How she realizes that you could never give her that
How she now realizes that she "settled" for you
How insensitive you can be sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she wonders if they would have stayed together
How she now realizes that she never really loved you
How she now realizes that she really loved him all along
How she could ever have fallen for a jerk like you
How you're the biggest ******* she's ever known
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How you ruined her life
How she made a big mistake marrying you
How she made an even bigger mistake letting him get away
How they were really meant to be together
How she desperately has to get away from you
How she's definitely leaving you
How she's already talking to divorce lawyers
How they're going to live happily ever after...

...get the picture?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
85 Posts
My experience is that these Social Networks can be extremely dangerous. What may start out innocently can grow into something else. Look out for other sites to meet people ie Badoo, Zoosk and the like.

My wife and I have only realized now after these sites almost destroyed our marriage. Be very careful.
the websites didnt almost destroy your marriage....YOU DID!

websites are only tools, nobody says you have to use them,

that would be like blaming cigerettes because i got lung cancer, or blaming alcohol because my liver is destroyed, or blaming my kitchen knife because i stabbed someone
 
1 - 20 of 33 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top