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Do you have any idea what the conversations was about with her male friend?
 

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Yes, she may leave you.
Yes, she may resent you.
Yes, you should discuss the child aspect.

All of this, to me, is now secondary.

You found out about a man, who made a sarcastic comment to you, hidden in her phone under a single letter that has spent hours on the phone with your wife after a life changing decision.

That’s bold.

You need to figure this out before you talk about bringing another child into this world for her and the welfare of your marriage.

Her going to her parents to cool off.
Her going to friends and talking for hours.
Her giving you the silent treatment.
Her yelling at you.
Her denying sex.

These are things where I’d agree with you worrying about her feelings first and doing what some others have stated.

I am on the complete other side when a potential affair partner is involved. It doesn’t absolve you of any problems you created, but it changes the priority.
A spouse can’t work on things, when there is an outside voice inside the marriage working against it.


Sorry, I am completely on the other side of the fence. She is sooooooooo hurt and resentful she shares her pain with an old high school male friend. The same guy who asked her out a few years ago?
Yes, this is bold as well.

If I want to see and old female friend my wife, her boyfriend or husband and I go as a group. There will not be hours long calls unless my wife is there or on the phone.

Time to verify.

Also, if she leaves it will suck. I’d rather you guys break up than have a possible resentful father raising a kid.
More often than not, when a wayward leaves under the guise of "needing space," that space is more effectively translated to be something to the effect of getting out from the domicile, so that they can more effectively go and spread their loins in other venues, being out of the conscious purview of their spouse or STBX!

Sadly, that behavioral pattern is quite often the script!
 

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Discussion Starter #23
I'm wondering if finances are really the main reason you don't want more children? We see here all the time how dynamics of your relationship change with children. Three years is a long time to debate this.

I'm glad things are better, but IMO y'all should do some counseling. This issue isn't solved and will lead to others, so your whole lives can be derailed by this decision. (Drinking causes more problems and solves none.)

There are symptoms of underlying 'stuff' in your 'happily married life' that are going to lead to chronic illness if not treated.
No it’s not the only reason. When we had our son, he was her everything and all of sudden seemed to just forget about me. I don’t think it was intentional, and I didn’t push the issue for at least a year. But eventually I expressed how I felt. She seemed to understand and felt really bad about it, especially not noticing it was happening. And she attempted and still attempts to work on it. But now that he’s out of that baby stage, things are/were starting to get back to where I’m actually getting some of that attention and feeling of importance in her life like I used to. Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.
 

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Discussion Starter #24
Do you have any idea what the conversations was about with her male friend?
Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.
 

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Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.
He wouldn't tell you anything? He playing, and it's his game.
 

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Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.
You wouldn't get anything out of him.

It is not okay that she called a man to talk about the problems in your marriage. Does she realize that? It doesn't matter what she was talking about to him; whatever they talked about was inappropriate.

Does she have close family or friends that she talks to about things that are bothering her?

This is a serious situation and she did not handle it well.

So, your wife wanted another child and you didn't. Her response is to get emotional and drink for a few weeks. You leave on business for a few days and, instead of calling her mom, or sister, BFF or talking to the cat, she connects with a fertile male shoulder to cry on. Her actions say, when **** gets real, she'll turn to a bottle and then later she'll turn to another man. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk another kid with her.
Right now, I agree. She is not coping well. You also said that she turned all of her attention and affection on your son and didn't recognize it. There are some serious disconnects with her that need to be resolved.

It sounds like you are open to having another child in the future. You likely have many years ahead of you to make that happen, but in the meantime, these issues with your wife should be resolved, because make no mistake, there are some serious issues here that need to be addressed and resolved before you can really trust her whether you have another child or not.
 

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Hi and thanks for the add. I’m 30 and have been happily married for almost 6 years and have been together for 10, and have lived together all except about 8 months of that. We have a 4 year old son. For the last 3 years, she has really wanted to have another child, but me not so much.

A couple months ago we had a long talk and I pretty much said that I didn’t want any more kids. She took it hard. She drank a good bit for a few weeks, and was emotional but that ended up stopping. A month ago I had to go out of town for business for a few days, which I do every once in a while. She called so I could talk to my son before bed, pretty early, and then texted me when she laid him down and said she would call back later if she didn’t fall asleep. That was 8:15. She never called back.

Well since the “talk” she had been a bit standoffish and we weren’t getting along the best. When I got home two days later, she acted so strange and I knew something was wrong. At some point an argument started and she basically said that she didn’t know what to do. The D word was thrown by me in anger, and that made it worse. I thought we would really get a divorce. Well over the next week and a half things very slowly got better and she eventually apologized at how she acted and we discussed how we would better our marriage moving forward. I’d been going through her phone at night looking at texts during that week and half and never found anything.

Then one night she was asleep and I went through her phone again and noticed I’d missed something. Calls to a contact with a single letter for a period of 3 days, for a total of 6 hours, with two conversations lasting 2 hours each. One of those was immediately after she had texted me when I was out of town and they stayed on the phone until almost midnight. I called the number on my phone. A man answered and I stayed silent until he hung up. He then texted me saying “who’s this”, and I responded with the same question and he said his name. I asked his last and he said f*** if I know, you called me. I woke my wife and confronted her immediately. She assured me it was a friend from high school and she just was depressed and just wanted to talk, and she hadn’t seen him in 10 years. I texted him from my phone asking how he knew my wife and no answer. I then texted from her phone and said “tell him the truth”. (Stupid of me, I know) He responded with “dude were just fu***** friends! We haven’t seen each other in over 10 years! Just Effing friends!”

That was it. She swore that she was just in a dark place because of knowing we wouldn’t have more kids, and actually stopped talking to him because she knew it was wrong. The conversations were 3 days back to back but hadn’t happened again since. She admitted she had deleted texts conversations between them, and let my try to dig the messages up, but they weren’t backed up to iCloud. I even wiped her phone out in the process.

We have been doing much better since that happened and I Know they haven’t seen each other at all. But that thought is still in the back of my mind that there were bad intentions. I know there are lots of guys on here that will yell CHEATER because it happened to them and they feel gratification when it happens to someone else. But I would like to know some real thoughts on what I should do from here to move forward.
Thanks in advance.
First, some questions:
1. When you got married, did you agree to a certain number of kids? Is your wife feeling betrayed because you broke this commitment to her, or is this something you were clear about from the start?
2. Does your wife have a pattern of running to other guys when your relationship is in conflict?
3. When she stopped talking to him "because it was wrong," what does that mean? Why does she think it was wrong?
4. If you asked her to tell you exactly what they talked about, what would she say?

Second, some advice - from a guy that's been in almost exactly this same situation.
1. Be calm. You flipped out, destroyed evidence, engaged the guy before you're ready, and just adding to the fire here. Don't do that.
2. This is not over. The longer you let this go on, the worse it will be when it happens again, or the better she will get at hiding it. She got something out of this man, and she now knows that she can reach out to this guy or others, and now she knows exactly how to get away with it.
3. I'd get into marriage counselling to get this sorted out. Tell your wife that you need to get to the bottom of it, including her past with this guy, what they talked about, why she thought it was OK to talk about her marriage to a guy she hadn't spoken to in 10 years, and why she reached out to him instead of you. She will blame it all on you, so be ready for that.
4. Start a journal. Write everything down that you remember before, during, and after this time. Ask her about events, write them all down. See what fits, and what doesn't.
5. I called the guy. We had a nice long conversation where he swore up and down that his intentions were good and they were just old friends. I suggested that since we're all friends, maybe we all sit down together - me, him, my wife... and his wife. "Her name is X, right? And she works at Y, right? How about we all sit down, go through all these phone calls and texts you've been sending each other and have a good laugh about two old friends catching up. She knows about all that, right?" Poof! He never reached out to her again. Guys are funny that way.
 

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Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.
Well, this conversation about you, a child and possibly leaving you should not have become part of a catching up conversation. It was none of his business. This kind of talk is best left to a mom, sister or very close girlfriend. No need to call the guy. He is not your problem. Your W is. You need to revisit the child issue and set boundaries with old male friends.
 

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No it’s not the only reason. When we had our son, he was her everything and all of sudden seemed to just forget about me. I don’t think it was intentional, and I didn’t push the issue for at least a year. But eventually I expressed how I felt. She seemed to understand and felt really bad about it, especially not noticing it was happening. And she attempted and still attempts to work on it. But now that he’s out of that baby stage, things are/were starting to get back to where I’m actually getting some of that attention and feeling of importance in her life like I used to. Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.


First off, yes this is a mistake that lots of people make, sorry but esp women as new mothers. But sometimes it is both parents.

What some people don't seem to understand is that... If the marriage is good, that child is going to be fine, maybe better than fine.

However, saying "but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce." is strange to me.

Look at it like this, if the marriage is going to break up, why not sooner rather than later? You both could learn to co-parent and move on with your lives.

This latest thing is really fishy, like really fishy. You have to figure this out and soon...
 

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First, some questions:

Second, some advice - from a guy that's been in almost exactly this same situation.
1. Be calm. You flipped out, destroyed evidence, engaged the guy before you're ready, and just adding to the fire here. Don't do that.
2. This is not over. The longer you let this go on, the worse it will be when it happens again, or the better she will get at hiding it. She got something out of this man, and she now knows that she can reach out to this guy or others, and now she knows exactly how to get away with it.
3. I'd get into marriage counselling to get this sorted out. Tell your wife that you need to get to the bottom of it, including her past with this guy, what they talked about, why she thought it was OK to talk about her marriage to a guy she hadn't spoken to in 10 years, and why she reached out to him instead of you. She will blame it all on you, so be ready for that.
4. Start a journal. Write everything down that you remember before, during, and after this time. Ask her about events, write them all down. See what fits, and what doesn't.
5. I called the guy. We had a nice long conversation where he swore up and down that his intentions were good and they were just old friends. I suggested that since we're all friends, maybe we all sit down together - me, him, my wife... and his wife. "Her name is X, right? And she works at Y, right? How about we all sit down, go through all these phone calls and texts you've been sending each other and have a good laugh about two old friends catching up. She knows about all that, right?" Poof! He never reached out to her again. Guys are funny that way.
This would work great, if the guy is married. Brilliant.
 

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I think you need to cut her a break and some slack. Does she treat / check up on you with the same smothering micromonitoring to an extreme that I seem to be reading and interpreting you do ? Yuk - think I feel bad for her.
 

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The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?
This and let’s not forget he was gone, she was drinking, at least three conversations for a total of six hours and deleted texts.

You have to settle this in your mind before you do anything else. This will eat at you until you have a real possibly marriage ending fight. You either have to trust her, both of you get counseling and let it go.

Otherwise, dig until you do or do not find something.

It is an ugly road, but your resentment will be equal to hers for not having a second child.
 

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No it’s not the only reason. When we had our son, he was her everything and all of sudden seemed to just forget about me. I don’t think it was intentional, and I didn’t push the issue for at least a year. But eventually I expressed how I felt. She seemed to understand and felt really bad about it, especially not noticing it was happening. And she attempted and still attempts to work on it. But now that he’s out of that baby stage, things are/were starting to get back to where I’m actually getting some of that attention and feeling of importance in her life like I used to. Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.
How about YOU fix things. Quit talking to her and start action.
Women react to your action. She has no interest in what you say....period.
You have much more power than you know to do so.
And she wants you to fix it....Read this.
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Positive-Masculinity-ebook/dp/B0748N6NW7
 

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The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?
And for HOURS AND HOURS at a time?

"Friends" my ass.
 

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Don't have another child - you can't handle it. You probably shouldn't have had the first one. You see children as taking away your right to your wife's full attention and affections. Some men are cut out to be great fathers and others not so much.

Since you realize your limitations, it would be a kindness to set your wife free so that she can be with a man who does want to father children with her.
 

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Call me selfish if you want. But that’s how it felt. I’ve expressed how I don’t want to go through those years of hell again, and that’s where we can’t agree. She assured me that it wouldn’t be that way with a second child, but I have no reason to believe her. And after all this, I’m that much further away from wanting to have another. We’ve talked about counseling, but I’m worried that it will put that much closer to a divorce.
It's not selfish to want your spouse to prioritize you. There should be a balance of child time, family time, and couple time.

A 2nd child requires all the energy and effort of a 1st child with the addition of an older child needing care, as well.

Only what she told me. That they were catching up on all the past years and how she was feeling about the children situation and that she didn’t know if she wanted to stay with me. But honestly no, I don’t know what they talked about. I’ve been tempted to call him, but that’s probably not a good idea.
She was literally telling another man that she's thinking of leaving her husband because she wants to have procreative sex. This is definitely not appropriate behavior.

Simple. He was her escape plan if she decided to leave her husband.
Perhaps. She might also have been putting out feelers to see how well men would respond to her using this particular one as a test case. She even have been contemplating using him for insemination. Whatever her intentions or reasons her thing with "friend" was shady as all hell.
 
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