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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited by Moderator)
Hi and thanks for the add. I’m 30 and have been happily married for almost 6 years and have been together for 10, and have lived together all except about 8 months of that. We have a 4 year old son. For the last 3 years, she has really wanted to have another child, but me not so much.

A couple months ago we had a long talk and I pretty much said that I didn’t want any more kids. She took it hard. She drank a good bit for a few weeks, and was emotional but that ended up stopping. A month ago I had to go out of town for business for a few days, which I do every once in a while. She called so I could talk to my son before bed, pretty early, and then texted me when she laid him down and said she would call back later if she didn’t fall asleep. That was 8:15. She never called back.

Well since the “talk” she had been a bit standoffish and we weren’t getting along the best. When I got home two days later, she acted so strange and I knew something was wrong. At some point an argument started and she basically said that she didn’t know what to do. The D word was thrown by me in anger, and that made it worse. I thought we would really get a divorce. Well over the next week and a half things very slowly got better and she eventually apologized at how she acted and we discussed how we would better our marriage moving forward. I’d been going through her phone at night looking at texts during that week and half and never found anything.

Then one night she was asleep and I went through her phone again and noticed I’d missed something. Calls to a contact with a single letter for a period of 3 days, for a total of 6 hours, with two conversations lasting 2 hours each. One of those was immediately after she had texted me when I was out of town and they stayed on the phone until almost midnight. I called the number on my phone. A man answered and I stayed silent until he hung up. He then texted me saying “who’s this”, and I responded with the same question and he said his name. I asked his last and he said f*** if I know, you called me. I woke my wife and confronted her immediately. She assured me it was a friend from high school and she just was depressed and just wanted to talk, and she hadn’t seen him in 10 years. I texted him from my phone asking how he knew my wife and no answer. I then texted from her phone and said “tell him the truth”. (Stupid of me, I know) He responded with “dude were just fu***** friends! We haven’t seen each other in over 10 years! Just Effing friends!”

That was it. She swore that she was just in a dark place because of knowing we wouldn’t have more kids, and actually stopped talking to him because she knew it was wrong. The conversations were 3 days back to back but hadn’t happened again since. She admitted she had deleted texts conversations between them, and let my try to dig the messages up, but they weren’t backed up to iCloud. I even wiped her phone out in the process.

We have been doing much better since that happened and I Know they haven’t seen each other at all. But that thought is still in the back of my mind that there were bad intentions. I know there are lots of guys on here that will yell CHEATER because it happened to them and they feel gratification when it happens to someone else. But I would like to know some real thoughts on what I should do from here to move forward.
Thanks in advance.
 

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You need to iron out the whys to your wife wanting another child and you don't. There appears to no mutual agreement in this matter. Further, your wife is wanting another child with you. Repeat that sentence. Now go talk to your W and come to an understanding of another child.
 

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She understands why it’s not a great idea for us to have more children. We have absolutely no family to help, and both work more than full time jobs. Daycare and babysitters are really expensive. I’m really wasn’t against having one more later on down the road. And she knew that but absolutely would not stop hammering me about another one all the time. So it really just felt like she was pushing me into a corner. Maybe I was wrong for saying I didn’t want any more kids.
 

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Do you feel strongly enough about not having another child that you're willing to accept your wife resenting and possibly leaving you?

Your answer might well be yes and if so stand your ground, but even then get into marriage counseling to deal with the resentment that's going to come. She's already getting there.

Think carefully about this. Day care is temporary.
 

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Maybe I was wrong for saying I didn’t want any more kids.
Absolutely not. Say what you mean and mean what you say. I have read countless threads here where people go all passive-aggressive on the partners and don't clearly state their desires. Don't be one of those people. Peace at any price comes with a very high price tag.

So do you think your wife can accept having only one child? This could be a deal-breaker, but having another child to pacify your spouse could ultimately make you resentful.
 

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The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?
She did say that she had spoken to him a couple years ago. He got in touch to let her know he was gonna be in town if she wanted to hang out. But she declined. She’s had the same number for a loooong time. Granted, I found this out while confronting her and had never heard his name mentioned before. I don’t think she cheated at all, but was she intending to? Even if it was only for a split second it bothers me. I work out of town several times a year and never ever has it even crossed my mind to cheat. Even when I knew it could happen and she would never find out. It’s just not right. But yes I think it’s very odd that he was the person she turned to. She has several female friends, but I’m friends with most of their husbands, so I can see where she wouldn’t want to talk to them about something like that. She does has work friends that I’ve never met and is around them more than she is me during awake hours.
 

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I'm if a different way of thinking, why should it only be as she wants it (the next kid). If she was thinking of your relationship it should be mutual, and as far as her phone calls, yup big red flag so if you don't want to hear what it could be, just keep sticking your head in the sand. But that's easy to solve about the phone change her phone number, and shouldn't be a problem as much as she would not. This way when she gets bacj in touch with the old friend you'll know she called him first. Then you will have to do the dance or rugsweep this. It's the direct way you must resolve this issue now or you'll deal with it later.
 

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But a man that wants to hang with a married woman and then reconnect acouple yrs later, yeah l guess it's all innocent. And it was your wife who reconnected you will have to decide who is most in danger you or her?
 

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Something is amiss. No doubt. Stay alert and keep your eyes and ears open and your mouth shut. Extremely strange as to why she would reach out to a man.......danger Will Robinson.....
 

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you're having disagreements .... and she's going to another man

that's the facts as i see them and there is probably more issues like communication barriers

fix this now - or your marriage is likely done and that means you knowing what your'e doing wrong and her knowing what she's doing wrong

this is YOUR marriage - you can do your best to fix it and its her marriage and if she does her best, ya'll be ok with a lot of work

anything less - and your marriage will be in jeopardy
 

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I'm wondering if finances are really the main reason you don't want more children? We see here all the time how dynamics of your relationship change with children. Three years is a long time to debate this.

I'm glad things are better, but IMO y'all should do some counseling. This issue isn't solved and will lead to others, so your whole lives can be derailed by this decision. (Drinking causes more problems and solves none.)

There are symptoms of underlying 'stuff' in your 'happily married life' that are going to lead to chronic illness if not treated.
 

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So, your wife wanted another child and you didn't. Her response is to get emotional and drink for a few weeks. You leave on business for a few days and, instead of calling her mom, or sister, BFF or talking to the cat, she connects with a fertile male shoulder to cry on. Her actions say, when **** gets real, she'll turn to a bottle and then later she'll turn to another man. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk another kid with her.
 

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Methinks that not only does this cell phone number belong to this dear old high school friend, but also to a good potential "seed donor," who may have prior experience in making "seed donations" to your W, years ago, long before you were even a glimmer in her eye!

Do be wary!

And if she does, perchance, come up pregnant, then a paternity test could well be in order!

I'd say that it's time to start entertaining the thought about the procurement of a good family law attorney to at least start a planning strategy in helping to protect your rights!

Just saying!
 

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She did say that she had spoken to him a couple years ago. He got in touch to let her know he was gonna be in town if she wanted to hang out. But she declined. She’s had the same number for a loooong time. Granted, I found this out while confronting her and had never heard his name mentioned before. I don’t think she cheated at all, but was she intending to? Even if it was only for a split second it bothers me. I work out of town several times a year and never ever has it even crossed my mind to cheat. Even when I knew it could happen and she would never find out. It’s just not right. But yes I think it’s very odd that he was the person she turned to. She has several female friends, but I’m friends with most of their husbands, so I can see where she wouldn’t want to talk to them about something like that. She does has work friends that I’ve never met and is around them more than she is me during awake hours.
Yes, she may leave you.
Yes, she may resent you.
Yes, you should discuss the child aspect.

All of this, to me, is now secondary.

You found out about a man, who made a sarcastic comment to you, hidden in her phone under a single letter that has spent hours on the phone with your wife after a life changing decision.

That’s bold.

You need to figure this out before you talk about bringing another child into this world for her and the welfare of your marriage.

Her going to her parents to cool off.
Her going to friends and talking for hours.
Her giving you the silent treatment.
Her yelling at you.
Her denying sex.

These are things where I’d agree with you worrying about her feelings first and doing what some others have stated.

I am on the complete other side when a potential affair partner is involved. It doesn’t absolve you of any problems you created, but it changes the priority.
A spouse can’t work on things, when there is an outside voice inside the marriage working against it.


Sorry, I am completely on the other side of the fence. She is sooooooooo hurt and resentful she shares her pain with an old high school male friend. The same guy who asked her out a few years ago?
Yes, this is bold as well.

If I want to see and old female friend my wife, her boyfriend or husband and I go as a group. There will not be hours long calls unless my wife is there or on the phone.

Time to verify.

Also, if she leaves it will suck. I’d rather you guys break up than have a Possible resentful father raising a kid.
 

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So, your wife wanted another child and you didn't. Her response is to get emotional and drink for a few weeks. You leave on business for a few days and, instead of calling her mom, or sister, BFF or talking to the cat, she connects with a fertile male shoulder to cry on. Her actions say, when **** gets real, she'll turn to a bottle and then later she'll turn to another man. Personally, I wouldn't want to risk another kid with her.
 

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The one thing I don't buy -- she hasn't spoken to him in 10 YEARS? And yet HE is the person she thought to call and talk to? She doesn't have any female friends she can talk with?
This was my thought. It makes zero sense that in a moment of despair you decide to call someone you haven't talked to in 10 years. Also, does she make a habit of using one letter as a contact name? If this is the only one where that's true, don't you think that's being purposefully deceptive?

If true, this tells me that the friendship back then was far more deep or significant than she is letting on. Perhaps he was a sounding board for her in the past, and she needed that again.

Not saying she's cheating or has cheated, but you might want to ask her why she picked this guy to call.
 
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