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Discussion Starter · #61 ·
This is quite strange. Yet before you married he had an active life with Aussie? Maybe he pines for her?
He was away for 6 months or so. She was there too as an au pair. I think it wasn't just her. It was a group of them all messing around. Sure he may pine for her. Who knows? There are so many other women he knows since then and before who I would think would be more appealing to him. She seemed a bit rough and vulgar for him. Certainly aggressive. He tends to go for / flirt with gentler more intellectual and creative types (see...should he really have a type after being married to me all this time??)
 

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Discussion Starter · #62 ·
In my experience (and this might just be me) most guys won't admit to using porn. But that's just the relationships I've had, your mileage may vary.

His reaction to you watching it is interesting, though. Maybe because viewing porn is often thought of as a man's activity? I wonder. Or he might have this idea that you're not "that" type of woman, so he is uncomfortable with the idea of you watching it.
As you stated, some men see their wives as more of a "good girl/mom" type (even if that isn't always true). It's weird, but that is how some people think. And then they see other women in a different way.

How you describe your ex-boyfriends...I was like that with one former boyfriend many years ago (he died). Have you told your husband that you want to feel more intimate, more connected to him sexually? It could also be a compatibility issue.
Maybe your drive is much higher than his.
Gosh thank you for your thoughtful responses.
Yes I've always assumed our drives were different. I was happy to reign mine in to focus on growing up and raising nice children and all. But stopping altogether? so yes we've talked about this quite a lot. He insists that he thinks we have a pleasurable life together, if not much time for sex.
So I told him we'd have a wonderful life with our kids, and then as empty nesters, we could get back to business.
With these latest alarm bells I'm seeing that may not be possible.
It feels like he is simply not interested in me. He'll pretend to be and talk like he is...but is not.
This is when I think he could be gay. But then why flirt with all these women?

The conversations about our current and future sex life only make me feel like he's gaslighting me. How can no sex be good sex...

And if he has a low sex drive then why the intensity with all these other people. Just because he has a magnetic personality? @Melinda82 you said your husbands attracts people. Do you experience him attracting people with intensity and urgency, or just admiration?

and I wonder where does their urgency come from? Maybe he attracts women who want sex now and his flirting somehow conveys it's possible (maybe he seems malleable).
Still lately he seems to have more agency in all of this than simply "being chased by floozies" as one funny poster wrote.
 

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Abuse victim or some other kind of trauma yes very possible - not sexual abuse though. I know the whole family and life although people can bury things away its true.
He surely knows you are sexually frustrated. Most men would be worried sick that you would seek satisfaction elsewhere. They would be moving heaven and earth to fix their problem. He knows not performing his role is not at all normal. If you come on to him, what exactly does he do? Run away? Or make excuses?

Have the two of you ever considered counseling by a therapist licensed to treat sexual dysfunction in marriage? What would your husbands response to your asking for that be?
 

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He was away for 6 months or so. She was there too as an au pair. I think it wasn't just her. It was a group of them all messing around. Sure he may pine for her. Who knows? There are so many other women he knows since then and before who I would think would be more appealing to him. She seemed a bit rough and vulgar for him. Certainly aggressive. He tends to go for / flirt with gentler more intellectual and creative types (see...should he really have a type after being married to me all this time??)
But see he can flirt with a non/aggressive female without risk of her jumping on him and ripping his clothes off. He wont be expected to perform.
 

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Discussion Starter · #65 ·
But see he can flirt with a non/aggressive female without risk of her jumping on him and ripping his clothes off. He wont be expected to perform.
Hm. yes it's possible. And what I've hoped all these years..that that's all that is going on.
I do have so many more stories/examples. So many. Such a large collection is curious though. And the overt flirting is still really disrespectful.
One thing is he's done this in front of family and people he would want to make a good impression with.
An acquaintance told me she thinks this is abuse and meant to isolate me from these folks.
another layer.....

anyway I thank you for taking this time to weigh in I really appreciate it.:) Ya'll are very helpful.
 

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Gosh thank you for your thoughtful responses.
Yes I've always assumed our drives were different. I was happy to reign mine in to focus on growing up and raising nice children and all. But stopping altogether? so yes we've talked about this quite a lot. He insists that he thinks we have a pleasurable life together, if not much time for sex.
So I told him we'd have a wonderful life with our kids, and then as empty nesters, we could get back to business.
With these latest alarm bells I'm seeing that may not be possible.
It feels like he is simply not interested in me. He'll pretend to be and talk like he is...but is not.
This is when I think he could be gay. But then why flirt with all these women?

The conversations about our current and future sex life only make me feel like he's gaslighting me. How can no sex be good sex...

And if he has a low sex drive then why the intensity with all these other people. Just because he has a magnetic personality? @Melinda82 you said your husbands attracts people. Do you experience him attracting people with intensity and urgency, or just admiration?

and I wonder where does their urgency come from? Maybe he attracts women who want sex now and his flirting somehow conveys it's possible (maybe he seems malleable).
Still lately he seems to have more agency in all of this than simply "being chased by floozies" as one funny poster wrote.
Sorry Status, did you mean Melinda82 or myself when you asked about the type of attention our husbands get from people?
If you were asking me...it depends. I think that in a more innocent way, people seem to like him as a person. He is smart, good at his job, has some cool hobbies, helpful, can be funny when he wants to, and is handsome in a conventional way.
So when it's the more innocent type of admiration, that's not a problem. I'm proud of him, he is a pretty neat guy in many ways.

I think the downside of charm, however, is that sometimes it can be misused...both by the individual and those they attract.
Intent seems to be the main thing here (and boundaries). A person can be friendly and the life of the party but still draw a line.
But if a person consistently acts in ways that signal "availability" to others, that's not good. Maybe your husband's flirting could also be a self-esteem issue.
He might feel confident when women notice him, flirt back with him, the attention makes him feel better about himself.

Some people almost get like a dopamine hit when the opposite sex pays attention to them. That could be the case with him.
The thing is, too, even if you give him attention, it might still not be enough to satisfy him. He might have learned to compensate for certain flaws by becoming this charming person. All of this is just my opinion of what might be happening, so take it for what it's worth.
 

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Discussion Starter · #67 ·
He surely knows you are sexually frustrated. Most men would be worried sick that you would seek satisfaction elsewhere. They would be moving heaven and earth to fix their problem. He knows not performing his role is not at all normal. If you come on to him, what exactly does he do? Run away? Or make excuses?

Have the two of you ever considered counseling by a therapist licensed to treat sexual dysfunction in marriage? What would your husbands response to your asking for that be?
We're looking for counselors/therapists to talk to. You're right - it might be good to approach the therapy as a marital sex problem and actually see a sex therapist. I wish we could find one like Barbara Streisand in "Meet the Fockers" (with Ben Stiller and Robert Deniro).

Like your wife he has a code phrase for sex, so he'll say that sometimes. I'm not so good at initiating with him bc I feel I'll get rejected. And yes if I initiate that can be the case - too many times for me to not feel vulnerable in asking. In these instances he may try but he's not into it.
But I do ask and it seems like he'd prefer to be somehow completely ready or whatever that means to him so prefers to ask when he's ready. Often seems a bit surprised when I ask. Sometimes we both see we have an opportunity so it's mutual. But I never feel he's fully present with me. I always feel he's holding something back. That's the saddest part for me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #68 ·
Sorry Status, did you mean Melinda82 or myself when you asked about the type of attention our husbands get from people?
If you were asking me...it depends. I think that in a more innocent way, people seem to like him as a person. He is smart, good at his job, has some cool hobbies, helpful, can be funny when he wants to, and is handsome in a conventional way.
So when it's the more innocent type of admiration, that's not a problem. I'm proud of him, he is a pretty neat guy in many ways.

I think the downside of charm, however, is that sometimes it can be misused...both by the individual and those they attract.
Intent seems to be the main thing here (and boundaries). A person can be friendly and the life of the party but still draw a line.
But if a person consistently acts in ways that signal "availability" to others, that's not good. Maybe your husband's flirting could also be a self-esteem issue.
He might feel confident when women notice him, flirt back with him, the attention makes him feel better about himself.

Some people almost get like a dopamine hit when the opposite sex pays attention to them. That could be the case with him.
The thing is, too, even if you give him attention, it might still not be enough to satisfy him. He might have learned to compensate for certain flaws by becoming this charming person. All of this is just my opinion of what might be happening, so take it for what it's worth.
sorry yes @MichelleMyBelle I meant you
 

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maybe in the very beginning only. Then we moved abroad for a short time and should have had an incredibly romantic time. Instead we argued and he got in the weird sort of entanglements I've described with women he was interviewing for his work projects. In one case I was supposed to begin volunteering with one of them (they had great need for people to work with kids and I was excited to help) and she kept calling him and leaving messages for him -- not for me! And she somehow lost interest in me helping her.
Fast forward to right now. My cousin's wife became smitten with him 10 or so years ago. When we were all together she behaved like an absolute idiot. Crushing so hard. My cousin was rightly very irritated - not with her but with my husband. Maybe he saw something I didn't? So we stopped seeing them. But she will sometimes come to where I work and be very superficial asking about our kids. Then she always adds in a very saucy voice - usually on her way out the door - "Tell my husband's name here I said hi"
She and my cousin drove down our street two days ago and she practically jumped out of the car while it was moving waving so excitedly. This was not for me because she an easily see me any time where I work and does not visit. Ever.

So she's crushing on him then and still just because he's cute and nice? Their flirting when we would see them back in the day was extremely uncomfortable and full of sparks. It infuriated me.
Ugh...what is with these female coworkers sometimes? Funny how she wanted to talk to him about the project, but wanted nothing to do with you. 🙄

And your cousin's wife sounds like a weirdo. It's so rude to act that way.
 

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Discussion Starter · #70 ·
He surely knows you are sexually frustrated. Most men would be worried sick that you would seek satisfaction elsewhere. They would be moving heaven and earth to fix their problem. He knows not performing his role is not at all normal. If you come on to him, what exactly does he do? Run away? Or make excuses?

Have the two of you ever considered counseling by a therapist licensed to treat sexual dysfunction in marriage? What would your husbands response to your asking for that be?
ha
he's definitely not worried about me seeking satisfaction elsewhere. He feels he has me fully. Mostly because he's known me most of my life he knows I'm monogamous and loyal, and not even a flirt. I have developed painfully intense crushes on people during our marriage though. I didn't seek these out, they just happened suddenly and nothing came of them. Just painfully awkward to see the people and think of them. It always feels intrusive. It's awful because they just happen with the right person saying the right thing at the right time, when I must be feeling very lonely. Nothing comes of it but it's nice to know these men are attracted when it happens and they really want me to know. They don't take it further either other than maybe suggestive looks and comments. They too must see I'm a loyal, monogamous type.
These have all happened when the man shows interest in a very sweet and disarming way and I do not have my defenses up. So I've confessed a few of these to my husband, hoping to get a constructive conversation going about why I could feel these ways. He thanks me for telling him but leaves it at that! He's not really worried! That's some confidence don't you think?
 

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ha
he's definitely not worried about me seeking satisfaction elsewhere. He feels he has me fully. Mostly because he's known me most of my life he knows I'm monogamous and loyal, and not even a flirt. I have developed painfully intense crushes on people during our marriage though. I didn't seek these out, they just happened suddenly and nothing came of them. Just painfully awkward to see the people and think of them. It always feels intrusive. It's awful because they just happen with the right person saying the right thing at the right time, when I must be feeling very lonely. Nothing comes of it but it's nice to know these men are attracted when it happens and they really want me to know. They don't take it further either other than maybe suggestive looks and comments. They too must see I'm a loyal, monogamous type.
These have all happened when the man shows interest in a very sweet and disarming way and I do not have my defenses up. So I've confessed a few of these to my husband, hoping to get a constructive conversation going about why I could feel these ways. He thanks me for telling him but leaves it at that! He's not really worried! That's some confidence don't you think?
Kudos to you for doing the right thing even when you had other people interested in you! I'm just like you in that way (although no crushes on anyone).
It's nice to have people find us attractive as long as we don't cross the line.
 

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Discussion Starter · #72 ·
Ugh...what is with these female coworkers sometimes? Funny how she wanted to talk to him about the project, but wanted nothing to do with you. 🙄

And your cousin's wife sounds like a weirdo. It's so rude to act that way.
right because they desperately needed volunteers and I was a perfect fit and she not only didn't want me she acted like she resented me..and kept calling my husband! Btw he was done with that portion of his project. He'd only needed some information from her so why they stayed in contact was completely unclear. He swore it was her seeking him out only. :unsure:
 

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right because they desperately needed volunteers and I was a perfect fit and she not only didn't want me she acted like she resented me..and kept calling my husband! Btw he was done with that portion of his project. He'd only needed some information from her so why they stayed in contact was completely unclear. He swore it was her seeking him out only. :unsure:
yep, fairly obvious that she only wanted to deal with him and not you. Like I said, I've met that type several times. They see you as the "competition" although you are the wife.
And it's not like you are being mean to them or anything...they choose to give off this bad energy, like YOU are the other woman or something.

Also, I call BS on what he told you because he chose to stay in contact with her. He could have stopped that any time he wanted to.
This guy must really be something special...wow, to have this many women after him. My husband does too, but wow.
 

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Discussion Starter · #74 ·
yep, fairly obvious that she only wanted to deal with him and not you. Like I said, I've met that type several times. They see you as the "competition" although you are the wife.
And it's not like you are being mean to them or anything...they choose to give off this bad energy, like YOU are the other woman or something.

Also, I call BS on what he told you because he chose to stay in contact with her. He could have stopped that any time he wanted to.
This guy must really be something special...wow, to have this many women after him. My husband does too, but wow.
isn't it odd?
I know in my heart of hearts it's because he's encouraging it.
And I've seen how he does it. He's hidden it well but I've gotten enough glimpses. The key questions are how far has he taken these? How often? And do I want to go on like this for the rest of my life. If we stay together then someday I'll be so lonely in the nursing home, because I'll be the one with a husband still alive and he'll be flirting with everyone and they will all hate me because I'll be in their way. 😌

I know there are aggressive women. I don't understand it fully because I'm not one, but I never really had to be. If some women learned to make super bold moves because that was the only way to attract the object of their affection - and it worked - they'll keep at it and refining it.

and there are sadly the women (a minority but they're out there) who hit on attached men just because. The Australian was like that. She was very proud to have gotten him to cheat on me. He'd been bragging about being in love and having a girlfriend at home (hmmm...is this a way he figured out to attract girls?) The challenge seemed all too tempting for her and her crew.
She said as much when I tracked her down and called her.

Where we live I'm seeing a trend of young women - 20s - seeking out stable married men to actually marry. They seem to be looking around and seeing their male peers as gay, or indecisive, or not grown up, still questioning sexual orientation, video game addicted, porn addicted....etc etc. and deciding a married man in his 40s or even 50s with kids, a good career, home, stable life, etc. is very very appealing. And they're going for it. It's gross. They will be leaving that man in about 20 years!
 

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isn't it odd?
I know in my heart of hearts it's because he's encouraging it.
And I've seen how he does it. He's hidden it well but I've gotten enough glimpses. The key questions are how far has he taken these? How often? And do I want to go on like this for the rest of my life. If we stay together then someday I'll be so lonely in the nursing home, because I'll be the one with a husband still alive and he'll be flirting with everyone and they will all hate me because I'll be in their way. 😌

I know there are aggressive women. I don't understand it fully because I'm not one, but I never really had to be. If some women learned to make super bold moves because that was the only way to attract the object of their affection - and it worked - they'll keep at it and refining it.

and there are sadly the women (a minority but they're out there) who hit on attached men just because. The Australian was like that. She was very proud to have gotten him to cheat on me. He'd been bragging about being in love and having a girlfriend at home (hmmm...is this a way he figured out to attract girls?) The challenge seemed all too tempting for her and her crew.
She said as much when I tracked her down and called her.

Where we live I'm seeing a trend of young women - 20s - seeking out stable married men to actually marry. They seem to be looking around and seeing their male peers as gay, or indecisive, or not grown up, still questioning sexual orientation, video game addicted, porn addicted....etc etc. and deciding a married man in his 40s or even 50s with kids, a good career, home, stable life, etc. is very very appealing. And they're going for it. It's gross. They will be leaving that man in about 20 years!
Absolutely, Status...you speak the truth. I think the real problem was not so much the Aussie girlfriend, but your husband's cheating ways.
He was the one who disrespected you when you really look at it. She is at fault too, and she doesn't sound like a nice person, but it is more his fault than anything.

About women who hit on married men, I agree. When I was in my teens and early 20's, I was considered a pretty girl with a nice little figure.
Married men would hit on me all the time. Coming from a broken home with an abusive stepfather, one would think that I could be an "Other Woman" type.
I was not, because I chose to have morals and stay away from married men. I knew it just wasn't right to hurt people that way.
I didn't want to ruin families or hurt somebody's wife the way another woman hurt my mom.

I think for the young girls you talk about, they are often damaged in some way and they use sex to feel more loved, more secure in some way.
The whole concept of them hooking up with older married men is nothing new. They feel that the married men can provide them with a better life, things they wouldn't have otherwise.
This is also why some young women become escorts. Not to pay bills or have food to eat or go to school, but so they can afford an expensive purse.
Some girls don't come from homes/families that love them, so they seek it out in the wrong places. It's sad.
 

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Sometimes, yes...it can be denial and blame-shifting. We can't say if your husband is a narcissist or not. But what you're describing is denial, it sounds like. Maybe trying to convince you that he doesn't flirt or act inappropriately when in fact he does.
One other quick comment for the both of you -- giving someone the silent treatment shows that they are VERY emotionally immature and also very manipulative, so just see that when your H's pull this sort of stuff.
 

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He insists that he thinks we have a pleasurable life together, if not much time for sex.
Nope, not good.
Look (and I've said this before here on the site) -- your PRIMARY relationship is your spouse, NOT your kids. Yes, you need to take care of them, provide for them, teach/guide them, but that is so that they grow up to be productive members of society. They will eventually gone on to have their OWN lives. Your spouse will/should ALWAYS be your primary focus. You need to feed and nurture that relationship, even if it means you tell your kids NO every now and again. YOU need to go out to dinner by yourselves sometimes, YOU need to go to the movies by yourselves sometimes, etc..
Giving the excuse that you are TOO BUSY because of the kids is lazy and shows that you are not making your spouse your priority. If you don't -- when that empty nest comes, you two will have NOTHING in common and no real relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter · #79 ·
Nope, not good.
Look (and I've said this before here on the site) -- your PRIMARY relationship is your spouse, NOT your kids. Yes, you need to take care of them, provide for them, teach/guide them, but that is so that they grow up to be productive members of society. They will eventually gone on to have their OWN lives. Your spouse will/should ALWAYS be your primary focus. You need to feed and nurture that relationship, even if it means you tell your kids NO every now and again. YOU need to go out to dinner by yourselves sometimes, YOU need to go to the movies by yourselves sometimes, etc..
Giving the excuse that you are TOO BUSY because of the kids is lazy and shows that you are not making your spouse your priority. If you don't -- when that empty nest comes, you two will have NOTHING in common and no real relationship.
totally agreed
we've always gone one dates. Hired babysitters when they were little. lunch dates while they're at school. Go to events together. Yes though them being home or around or about to come home has been an excuse not to have sex. The sex issue for my situation goes back pre-kids...married 8 years before having kids! But I hear you and you're right
 

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Discussion Starter · #80 ·
totally agreed
we've always gone one dates. Hired babysitters when they were little. lunch dates while they're at school. Go to events together. Yes though them being home or around or about to come home has been an excuse not to have sex. The sex issue for my situation goes back pre-kids...married 8 years before having kids! But I hear you and you're right
like I've said we are friends and do hang out like a married couple. That's why I'm still married to him even with all his flirting and boundary blurring that I'm trying to figure out
 
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