Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hello everyone

I have been married for a 9 months with my wife whit whom we have been in relationship 7 years before we got married. We are both 27year old now which mean we start at our 20.

We both love each other and we are honest with each other, but ist hardly been a night without aggressive fight for the last 6 months.

During our relationship I have done some stupid things, I was 20 and I didn’t think seriously. I didn’t treat her with a lot of respect even though she deserve it. We have been separated physically during the years but never end our relationship. Since 3 years I move to live to another county, and one year ago she come to live with me. Since she come to live with me our problems start.
She start to remember every little or big thing that I have done 6 or 7 years ago. She start to question everything about me. She has a list of things of my mistakes that she repeat every night, she question me about some nights that I went out with friend 6 years ago. It driving me crazy. I am great with her for the last 4 years or more, she admits that herself, but she said it’s too late now, she said that I ruin her youth and her best years of her live ( while we were students). I only made one mistake cheating on her but that was at the very start of our relationship. She knows that and she “forgive” me and didn’t speak about that anymore, but 7 years Later
(today) hasn’t been a night that she don’t mention this. Rather than this I haven’t done anything serious, only some stupid egoistic things because of my social issues that I had as a 20 or 21year old guy.
I Keep asking her why now, why all of the sudden everything is a problem for you, I am prepare to give up everything for this marriage, I spent all my free time with her and only her. She keep saying is too late, that she wanted to end up with a guy that she has great love story with, guy that she can completely trust and not remember having a bad things with him. I try to understand her, I believe that she feel alone in a foreign country, I feel the same...I try to help but I don’t know how. She keep saying that she would like to bring back time and leave me than. But she also said that she still love me today and before. We speak about divorce more and more often, but after every fight there is a couple moment of love and great feelings that still keep us together, until some time later the same day when she stars everything like a repeat record.

What should I do? Should I keep waning for a better times and give a chance to us. Or should we end this now? She keep saying that she want to be with me now, but if she could bring back time she would have left me and that she regret that she had ever meet me. A LOT OF MIX MESSAGE.

thanks to all ( sorry for my grammar)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #2
Can someone tell me their opinion. I know during life marriage can get hard but isnt it supposed to be good at the begging? Does this mean it will be more and more hard during time. Should We end it while is still early or give it a chance ??
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,411 Posts
I don't have a lot of time to write right now but what I would tell you is you need to sit down and learn to talk to your wife unemotionally and try to work on your issues. Then you both need to learn to compromise. If she keeps bringing up things she says she has forgiven you for then she hasn't forgiven you for them. You did cheat even if it was early on, 99% of the time that doesn't go away and will always be something you have to work around in your relationship unfortunately. Maybe you both are not mature enough to be married.

You have to be prepared to end the relationship. Right now she knows you are desperate so she has all the power. Once you are truly comfortable with ending it and she knows this, it may cause her back down a little if she still cares, if she doesn't then I guess it's best you know that now.
 
  • Like
Reactions: TJW and MTO

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,608 Posts
this sounds completely toxic for the both of you to me.

I think the actual dysfunction and malfunction here is in you two trying to remain together. IMHO two healthy people having this much discord would sit down and cooperatively divide up the marital assets ammicably, wish each other well, share a tear or two and then go their separate ways.

At 27 you are approaching your peak in market value and will be able to have options in the mating market.

At 27 as long as she hasn't gotten fat or had any children, she still has strong market value left and will be able to quickly find suitable mates but her peak market value time is going to be running out soon so she is probably starting to feel the pressure to find someone suitable quickly.

My advise here is neither of you should fear pulling the ejection handle as you will each do fine on the open dating market. There isn't any reason that both of you should be going through all this turmoil at this point in your lives.

Your mistake is in steadfastly trying to remain together even though you are both making each other and yourselves miserable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
772 Posts
Can I clarify: Is this new behavior on her part? And did it start after you guys moved to another country? If it is, I would have to wonder if she is dealing with some depression.

Also how long have you lived together ?
It sounded like it’s been about a year that you have lived together. The most fighting my ex and I ever did was in our first year of living together. We didn’t even fight that much in our last year together.

So far, from what I am reading, you guys don’t seem like you are at the point of no return.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Can I clarify: Is this new behavior on her part? And did it start after you guys moved to another country? If it is, I would have to wonder if she is dealing with some depression.

Also how long have you lived together ?
It sounded like it’s been about a year that you have lived together. The most fighting my ex and I ever did was in our first year of living together. We didn’t even fight that much in our last year together.

So far, from what I am reading, you guys don’t seem like you are at the point of no return.
She has always been fixated and overeating to things but not like now. We were okay before we did have some issues but nothing out of normal. We did a lot of travelling together and now when life come to a state when we must both settle down and start with the serious sh’it in life suddenly she remember that I am the bad choice for her.

I also think is the depression thing. We are almost alone at this country we don’t have a lot of friends and she has no family here. My family is here and they are perfect to her and she also to them. They don’t have a clue we are fighting. She don’t have a job yet and most of the time she is at home. I would like to think that when she find a job and when we meet some friends, life will be better. But I don’t know, I don’t want to lose time and then realise it didn’t get any better. It will be bad for both of us!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
It’s not about the worry that we will end up alone. She looks better than ever, I like to think I’m also okay. The problem is I don’t want to end things with her, I believe she don’t want also. My family accepted her, she accepted them as well. I don’t want to do the dating think again. As a character she is perfect, no person ever would say something bad about her. But with me she is aggressive and impulsive. She don’t find understanding with anything related to me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,206 Posts
Awww, I'm sorry. Young people too young to be very mature do need a little forgiveness for dumb things they do or careless things, as long as that has stopped with maturity. But just like a lot of guys who never can forget that they weren't the only man their wives ever slept with and dwell on it, she is dwelling on this in a similar way. She had an ideal in her head of what perfect love story was like, and she is disappointed that real life is not that way. She will soon find it is rarely ever that way. It's a hard thing to face, the loss of your belief in ideal love. But she is damaging your marriage by staying focused on it. See if you can get her (and maybe both of you) to go see a psychologist for some therapy sessions and see why she is so obsessed with this still. She lost her trust of you and it is hard to love once you lose trust.

Best of luck.
 
  • Like
Reactions: So Married

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,608 Posts
As a character she is perfect, no person ever would say something bad about her. But with me she is aggressive and impulsive. She don’t find understanding with anything related to me.
But you aren't other people now are you.

You are the one stuck with her and stuck with her mistreatment of you.

What they think doesn't count.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,239 Posts
You did cheat even if it was early on, 99% of the time that doesn't go away and will always be something you have to work around in your relationship unfortunately.
I don't have any statistical data, but I don't think it EVER goes away. Cheating makes a statement. It states, unequivocally, and undeniably, that your partner prefers someone else over you, enough to actually go against her God, her conscience, her devotion to her children, her responsible conduct, in order to feel good with this person for a few hours.

That statement places you on the very "bottom of the barrel". When this is fully realized and woven-in to the neural network of the BS, there is not going to ever be any "reconciliation", and no amount of "work around" is ever going to be enough to deliver a whole marriage.

My advice is to let her have the divorce, be as fair to her as possible, and move on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
830 Posts
You guys are still young. All I can say is this: stop letting fear rule your world. Be upfront, and don't take any **** from her if you want to remain in a relationship with her. This is very important; if you let her walk all over you, before you know it, she'll be dictating the relationship; which it seems she's already starting to do. If she continues with the blame shifting, just tell her: if you are not happy let's divorce, but do not say it and don't mean it. You must follow thru; otherwise, she won't believe anything you say, and start to see you as a guy that have no balls. Time to make decisions, no stupid drama, like if you're teenagers.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
14,446 Posts
My partner's take on this:

- She's not in love with you, but she simply can't let go. She hasn't forgiven you either, nor has she accepted it (read - final stage of grief)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,557 Posts
Can you go to marriage counseling? Would she do that? You both need to learn how to communicate and have disagreements that DON'T Devolve into name calling and bringing up every slight in the past.
That being said, she SAID she forgave you for cheating, but it sure sounds like she didn't and now has a boat-load of resentment that has built up against you.
Try MC.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top