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What do you mean boundaries? Sorry. Lol.
Boundaries are open and honest communications that set limits to what we will and will not accept in a relationship as individuals... these are easy for the emotional intimacies you closely agree to but when it becomes abusive in a combative exchange they are critical to ensuring that our values are not just heard, but seen.

For example, you are with someone who begins fights in public places and instead of engaging in a combative environment you clearly state that you do not wish to have such a discussion in public and you will readily continue any discussion concerning such in private, you have now set a boundary. If the other party insists on continuing the altercating conversation you then state that you will no longer be in their company if they cannot respect your wishes and leave... now you have enforced that boundary.

Boundaries must be something that you can stand a test of moderate time with... they cannot be short-term and must be value applicable to the situation.

If you crumble it at your feet with the first challenge, you will be teaching others the wrong thing... it must be fair, and it must be consistently applied.
 

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I'm not sure. It started before our big fights. Her attitude pushed me away. Maybe that's it. She thought I just didn't love her. Which wasn't the case at all. I just couldn't deal with her attitude.
She doubts... and fears.

You mentioned you believe she fears you leaving, not wanting the things she fears losing the most.

Doesn't quite explain the searching out others unless she has already given you up... suffering is hard to let go, dangerous to self when it becomes more familiar than not suffering.

I don't believe you mentioned how she interacts with your children?
 

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Discussion Starter #23
She doubts... and fears.

You mentioned you believe she fears you leaving, not wanting the things she fears losing the most.

Doesn't quite explain the searching out others unless she has already given you up... suffering is hard to let go, dangerous to self when it becomes more familiar than not suffering.

I don't believe you mentioned how she interacts with your children?
Snippy with them at times too just like she is with me. Especially my oldest son. It was odd when I started putting this together. Would argue with him like a child. A few times I had to tell her to chill. She said yesterday she doesn't do it when I'm. Not around. Is that even possible?
 

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Discussion Starter #24
To elaborate more on her fear of me leaving.. We had a big fight because she was disconnected. I said what do you want me to do? Go get an apartment? Get a divorce?

She told me she can't trust me to be there when things get stressful. Which is funny because this is the most stressful ever and she isn't seeing me try to stay over her resentment.
 

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Snippy with them at times too just like she is with me. Especially my oldest son. It was odd when I started putting this together. Would argue with him like a child. A few times I had to tell her to chill. She said yesterday she doesn't do it when I'm. Not around. Is that even possible?
Possible, but doubtful... we are creatures of habits, both good and bad.

That is why being happy is so important, in both action and word.

Is she spiritual? What does she do for calm in her life when she can find it?
 

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Discussion Starter #26
Possibly, but doubtful... we are creatures of habits, both good and bad.

Is she spiritual? What does she do for calm in her life when she can find it?
No she isn't. She used to love to read. Then stopped doing that for school,work and life. She loves to relax in the bath.

Id say if she would pick one thing it would be TV. Honestly. She watches it a lot. Scrolls social media no less than an hour or two a day.

She used to paint. That's what she did at work before her career change. Phenomenal painter let me tell you. I've tried many times to get her back into it. She cites lack of time.

Our son is another huge one. Devotes a lot of her time to. Him. She's a great mother.
 

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Discussion Starter #27
I should add that as of recently maybe the last few months she instead of I was reaching out to me during our work days. Seeing how my day was going and how I was doing. It meant a lot to me. Before that she never seemed to care. Not sure if that's something her therapist told her to do or not.
 

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Don't mention divorce anymore... cast that word aside.

It doesn't mean it isn't an option, it just doesn't make it a weapon.

Knowing you have ZERO control over her actions, understand that happiness is a choice, not the result of things we do or don't do. Depression is always past-oriented, not present...her anxieties are fearing the future, unknown and to her, scary.

How would you help her understand she doesn't have to figure everything out at once?
 

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Discussion Starter #29
Don't mention divorce anymore... cast that word aside.

It doesn't mean it isn't an option, it just doesn't make it a weapon.

Knowing you have ZERO control over her actions, understand that happiness is a choice, not the result of things we do or don't do. Depression is always past-oriented, not present...her anxieties are fearing the future, unknown and to her, scary.

How would you help her understand she doesn't have to figure everything out at once?
Not knowing what she needs to figure out that is hard to answer. I guess I have to set my emotions aside. I can't let her statements get me down in the now. I think her emotions yesterday were from our disagreements this weekend. Not whatever happened. She felt remorseful I was trying and she wasn't responding. That I know.

I just want her to know everything is okay and I'm with her.

She hates her boss. She has an interview this week for a less stressful shift. I've been hyping her up trying to get her motivated. That she can do it and will get the job.

Also.. Thanks so much. Depression being dwelling on the past makes so much sense.
 

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Discussion Starter #30
Should I sent her an e-mail stating "I will not be in a marriage with infidelity. Delete him from everything and we'll work on this through counseling. Failure to act will result in separation."

I don't believe she talks to him. I don't see her texting that much. I just want to make sure it is clear. and no I don't think it was ever physical. She's always home.
 

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Not knowing what she needs to figure out that is hard to answer. I guess I have to set my emotions aside. I can't let her statements get me down in the now. I think her emotions yesterday were from our disagreements this weekend. Not whatever happened. She felt remorseful I was trying and she wasn't responding. That I know.

I just want her to know everything is okay and I'm with her.

She hates her boss. She has an interview this week for a less stressful shift. I've been hyping her up trying to get her motivated. That she can do it and will get the job.

Also.. Thanks so much. Depression being dwelling on the past makes so much sense.
You can't ignore your feelings, so don't... keep them up front and mindful. What you can do is buffer all your responses with kindness while going through this very temporary state.

I'm sorry you feel that way.
I see things differently.
I'm not ok with X (whatever x might be).

This last one will help with the messaging this guy that is bouncing on one of your boundaries.

When you engage in conversation that begins heading downhill, don't react... respond and do it after a moment of reflection of what message you want out there. Choose your words, this isn't beat the clock... be sure it is true, kind, and necessary.

This is compassion, which she needs and shows that you can love her in a patient way as well.
 

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I've been reading this forum for a few weeks and am eager to learn how to cope with my dissolving marriage. I'm trying to hold on but my wife has been diagnosed with depression,anxiety and PTSD. she's also a breast cancer survivor. I've made so many efforts to repair it on my end and with her depression it's hard to know how she really feels.

I feel like I'm laying it all on the line and she isn't responding. She started therapy a month or so ago and admitted she sees me giving it 110% and knows I'm trying but she isn't responding. She hasn't gone to the doctor to see about. Antidepressants although I've suggested it and she said she wants to do therapy first. She hasn't said she wants a divorce but her actions and statements say otherwise. Looking for help.
Hi Betterdaysarecoming... I am sorry you are here.

My ex wife also went through breast cancer diagnosis, but did not do the mastectomy route - she had just as good chances without.

Even though she didn't get the mastectomy, she went through severe depression and feelings of near death. This changed our relationship incredibly. I couldn't keep up with her feelings although I "understood" what she was feeling.

The only thing I can say is that I wish that I had been more definite in our end goals. We ended up making life change decisions that affected us negatively... following her "dream" rather than doing what was good for the long term. I'm not even sure that this was the wrong decision, but I know I reacted in fear of losing her rather than what was best for us in the long run.

I hope you can find your way through this experience. My thoughts are with you.
 

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Should I sent her an e-mail stating "I will not be in a marriage with infidelity. Delete him from everything and we'll work on this through counseling. Failure to act will result in separation."

I don't believe she talks to him. I don't see her texting that much. I just want to make sure it is clear. and no I don't think it was ever physical. She's always home.
Listen, I get that you are a nice guy. Which you need to stop yesterday, read that book today.

You have no idea if he affair is physical, none at all.

It could happen in a broom closet for all you know, at lunch in a car or a hundred other places.

She is not having sex with you, more than likely, because she is having sex with him. She does not want to cheat on her BF with you.

HIRE A PI...

You are being a complete fool about all of this...
 
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